714-700

714. The Crush (1993) D: Alan Shapiro

Hey, back from lunch. Tutee didn't show, so I'm back to The List. Anyway, I realize now that Cary Elwes can't act, and he was only good in "The Princess Bride" because he had a mask to cover facial expressions, and his character wasn't required to speak that much. This movie is just a giant geyser of feces.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

713. Earnest Scared Stupid (1991) D: John R. Cherry III

I like Earnest, he's a funny character. That said, this fetid amalgam of horror and kiddie comedy reveals Earnests shortcomings. He can't carry a film. He'd best be used as a bit player within a larger structure.

Performance to Savor: Jim Varney
Memorable Moment: None

712. While You Were Sleeping (1995) D: Jon Turtletaub

Well, that's the third movie below 700 for Mr. Turtletaub. He's making a strong case for the director-that-I-hate-but-continue-to-keep-watching-his-disgusting-movies. Look at the leads in this movie: Sandra Bullock, Peter Gallagher, and Bill Pullman. Has there ever been a blander trio put on screen? These 3 make oatmeal look like huevos rancheros. They make grey look like tye-dye. They make Brian Adams look like Paul Froeschl.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

711. Stewart Saves His Family (1995) D: Harold Ramis

The lowest of the SNL sketch turned movie. Granted, it has sharper writing and more coherency than any Chris Farley vehicle. But, Al Franken learned to late that his humor is more appropriatly applied to political satire and radio commentary. There is something intrinsically aloof about this movie, despite its "self-help" ethos. Just doesn't work on the silver screen.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

710. Trial and Error (1997) D: Jonathan Lynn

Notice the ramifications of North. The Seinfeld curse was born, and this disaster is a product of that curse. Michael Richards stars opposite Jeff Daniels in this low-brow legal comedy. Theres a remarkable duo bursting with comedic subtlety and wit.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

709. National Lampoon's Senior Trip (1995) D: Kelly Makin

I have no definable reason for disliking this movie. I identify with the characters, they are likable, it doesn't pretend to be greater than it is...Probably this movie suffers from my only having seen it once when 13. I was on the cusp of high school, and not quite ready to understand the issues dealt with by high school students. If I saw this again, I'd bet it'd move up into the mid 600s.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

708. The Stepford Wives (2004) D: Frank Oz

After The Mothman Prophecies, this'll be the second movie that Grace will be shocked to find so low on my list. I'm definitely not the most PC person on the block, but I appreciate a move more if it tries to paint its characters in less than broad strokes. This movie is almost crippled by stereotypes. The Dainty Effiminate Gay, The Loud Obnoxious New Yorker, The Horney Dumb Male...Yeah, I know that the point of the movie is to debunk the stereotypical male/female relationship. But, it shouldn't have to throw everyone else under the bus to do so. Oh yeah, and the twist and the end came out of a leopard's testicle.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

707. Not Another Teen Movie (2001) D: Joel Gallen

Spoofs these days are getting lazy. They essentially put they're goofball characters into the exact same situations as the real movie, and have them behave in a goofball way. Its entirely predictable and derivative. For quality spoofs, look toward the first Naked Gun and Airplane!

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

706. Halloween: H20 (1998) D: Stever Miner

You've got to be kidding me.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

705. Brother Bear (2003) D: Aaron Blaise

This one definately isn't up to the standards set by Classic Disney (Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King, etc...) but it still is solid. The songs, though sung by Phil Collins, are original, as is the story. Unfortunatly this film suffers from release time. We are spoiled in this age of CG animation, and this traditional animation looks antiquated in comparison. I hate to be this superficial, but the material does not rise above it.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

704. The Cell (2000) D: Tarsem Singh

To be honest, I'm suprised this movie made it this high. When I first started making T-Biggs, I expected this one to be more towards the bottom. I didn't realize how many worse movies I've seen. Why, then, did this one stick out so much in my mind? Production value. With lots of money, you will get a memorable movie. A terrible movie, but memorable none the less. I'm all for cinematography, movies can be saved by it, but this putrid chunk-belcher is beyond redemption. Jennifer Lopez plays dress up and Vincent D'Onofrio goes slumming. An incoherent piece of poop alround.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

703. Barb Wire (1996) D: David Hogan

At the age of 14 I wasn't fully released to watch R-rated movies alone yet. Barb Wire, therefore, was included. My friends wanted me to sneak in, but my moral compass said no, and we went to "Pinocchio" instead. I resented my parents for these pangs of conscience, and was determined to some day see this movie.

Boy, did I regret THAT move.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

702. Spawn (1997) D: Mark A.Z. Dippe

When I went to this I tried to smuggle in Jo-Jos by stuffing them down my pants. Unfortunately, while this resulted in a far superior movie snack, I ended up with burnt balls. Which, as it turned out was the best thing about this movie.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

701. Palmetto (1998) D: Volker Schlondorff

Sleazy, sweaty, smelly.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

700. Vampire in Brooklyn D: Wes Craven

After making this list, I realize that the horror comedy can really only be done well when it is self-aware (Scream, Scary Movie). Festering pile of furry uterus.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None