734-715

734. Cold Creek Manor (2003) D: Mike Figgis

The working title of this abortion was "The Devil's Throat". Little did I know that it would treat me like "The Devil's Rectum." There is absolutely nothing frightening about this movie, and its billed as a thriller. Stephen Dorff is in full white-trash mode, which is less a compliment to his acting and more a testament to his loathsome personality.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

733. Honey, I Blew Up the Kid (1992) D: Randal Kleiser

Rick More-anus returns to form as bumbling scientist with the parenting skills of a discarded labia. This movie could've been fun if I cared at all for anyone involved.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

732. Hollow Man (2000) D: Paul Verhoeven

Kevin "Footloose" Bacon and Elizabeth "Karate Kid" Shue stab me in the back with this one. Funny story, one of the nights while my parents were in St. Paul to drop me off for college, we went to the Mall of America, and then decided to catch a flick. Since I was the celebrity of the moment, it was my call. I thought this one looked good, so we checked it out. We all threw up in our mouths. Not the right flick to kick off a life of independence.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

731. Godzilla (1998) D: Roland Emmerich

Again, an actioneer with failed expectations. I didn't really get a vibe on this one before the movie, so I was fairly fresh going in. Awesome opening sequence. Intriguing Ending. Too bad everything in the middle smelled like torn toenails.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

730. The Flintstones (1994) D: Brian Levant

Urethra spaghetti. Think about it.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

729. Surf Ninjas (1993) D: Neal Israel

I think to get a good idea of how much I hated every movie up until this point, go rent surf ninjas. If you summon the strength to remove the sledgehammer from your face, you are a better person than me.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

728. First Kid (1996) D: David M. Evans

Ok, wussup with Sinbad? I mean, watch his standup, its hilarious. Great presence, delivery, spontanaiety. Its quality. This on the other hand is another unfortunate example of how far a great comic can fall when comedy transfers to big screen (Cosby, Pryor, Rock, Seinfeld...)

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

727. Street Fighter (1994) D: Steven E. de Souza

Show-Yuukin! Yoga fire! Shet-ket-beret-yet! Viper! Viper! Viper Uppercut!

Sorry, just trying to remember why anyone thought this movie would be a good idea.

A tragic end to Raul Julia's career.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

726. Eddie (1996) D: Steve Rash

Rash. Indeed. An appropriate name, considering what Whoopi's dreadlocked abrasions did to my delicated epidermis. New Yorkers as sensitive and caring? Nope, only when the Knicks are threatened. So so so dumb.

Performance to Savor: Malik Sealy
Memorable Moment: None

725. Loser (2000) D: Amy Heckerling

The lowest movie on The List that exceeded expectations. The fact that its still this low should indicated how heinous I thought this was gonna be. Oh yeah, appropriately enough, I watched this one by myself, in my underwear, on a sunny saturday afternoon.

Performance to Savor: Greg Kinnear
Memorable Moment: None

724. Jaws 3 (1983) D: Joe Alves

This movie is only better than "The Revenge" because its got a cool shark-eats-guy-sequence. Pretentious annoying asshole gets swallowed whole by the shark, then we see him trying to escape. Of course he doesn't make it. At least he didn't have to watch this vomit.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

723. Down Periscope (1996) D: David S. Ward

Kelsey Grammar in a feature film? Really? Frasier Crane? Heck, throw in Lauren Holly and you got yourself an Oscar winner.

I should be in Hollywood.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

722. Encino Man (1992) D: Les Mayfield

This ones got George of the Jungle, Rudy, and the Black Malice of Whom We Do Not Speak, and is saved (well, not saved...buoyed) by the fact that I'm partial to nerdy high schoolers takin on the cool guys.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

721. Crossroads (2002) D: Tamra Davis

Examples of life imitating art are rarely better seen than in Crossroads. Think about it, Britney Spears has meltdown, disappears for awhile, reappears after devoting herself to sleazy semi-artist. Was I talking about the movie or her life? You decide.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

720. The Mothman Prophecies (2002) D: Mark Pellington

This is probably the first movie that Grace'll be mad at me for having so low. I saw it with her, and I never really voiced how dumb I thought it was. I don't believe in ghosts, ESP, and other shit like that, but I accept it in the movie, if the movie does too!

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

719. Spy Hard (1996) D: Rick Friedberg

You know you're in a bad way when the opening title song far exceedes anything the feature can produce. Even worse when the song is done by Wierd Al. Leslie Nielson phones this one in.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

718. Kate and Leopold (2001) D: James Mangold

I like Meg Ryan, and I really like Hugh Jackman, but in a time-travelling romantic comedy? What a hideous idea. Jackman does his best, but Meg plays an annoying account executive. Cinematic barf.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

717. The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996) D: John Frankenheimer

I hate nothing more (and you'll discover this as we go on) than failed potential/expectations. I hate it. Think about this movie: Marlon Brando, Val Kilmer, and David Thewlis, based on a book by H.G. Wells, directed by Frankenheimer. How could that miss? Unfortunately Frankie masturbates all over Wells' social commentary, leaving cold, pretentious schlock.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

716. Down to You (2000) D: Kris Isacsson

I think that this stars Freddie P. Jr. I know that I saw it and hated it. Why can't I remember it? Must be something about repressed memories. Like when your Uncle molests you.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

715. Little Giants (1994) D: Duwayne Dunham

Rick More-anus plays the coach of a terrible football team who turn it around and win. Excellent formula. Emmitt Smith appears.

Performance to Savor: Ed O'Neill
Memorable Moment: None