Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed

How much of an ass is Doug Mienkewicksgdkich?

He gets traded from the low-market futility of the Twins to the big-market, then-cursed, hopefullity of the Red Sox. He enjoys front seats to a nice beating of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Then, an even fronter seat to the most remarkable sporting even I've seen. The Comeback. Then, he plays in a world series in which america's lovable "idiots" trounce the big-boppin' cards. He is also, of course, a professional athelete who makes millions for working 4 hours a day, 4 maybe 5 days a week.

But that isn't enough, is it?

Dougie M., who caught the last out in the Red Sox's (I hate pluralizing words that end in x or s) historic championship, has refused to return the Final Out Ball (FOB). Red Sox officials are asking for FOB back, saying it belongs in a archive, or museum, or tribute, or something public for all to enjoy. But no, Dig Doug refuses, saying that it is "locked up" in a "safety deposit box" at a "bank" because it is now his "retirement fund". You see, famous balls can fetch large sums of money.

Bonds's (there it is again) 73rd went for almost half a million.

McGuire's 70th went for 3 million (and a tattoo). Although it should be noted that Seth McFarlane is insane.

Anyway, Dog Dougie notes that those were just for "home runs" and "home runs" happen often, but the "Red Sox" "Victory" took "86" "years" (alright, the quotes joke is done).

He was barely part of the team. He lucked on to the roster. He barely hit over .200. They would have won it without him.

What an ass.