449-425

Ok, I've got my strength back. Time for more movies.

449. The Siege (1998) D: Edward Zwick

A servicable flick, billed as action, combining the considerable talents of Bruce Willis and Denzel. More of a thriller than a straight action movie, the plot would be far more pointed in a post 9/11 era.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

448. A Perfect Murder (1998) D: Andrew Davis

Well lit and photographed, though the acting is quite wooden. Especially Viggo. Gwyneth is just not a good actress in general, and Michael Douglas plays Michael Douglas. Predictable plot twists resulting in an unsatisfying ending.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

447. The River Wild (1994) D: Curtis Hanson

Hanson would go on to make "LA Confidential", so I can forgive him this. When I first saw the premise, I was somewhat confused as to how they would make an effective 'thriller' set in a river raft. Seeing the movie did not ease my confusion.

Performance to Savor: Meryl Streep
Memorable Moment: None

446. American Pie 2 (2001) D: James B. Rogers

I'd like to think I'm not a movie snob. The original American Pie was a good movie. The second time around, however, the characters seem stale, and I get the impression that their heart isn't quite in it. Duplicating the magic of an original is a gamble, and it doesn't pay off here.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

445. American Psycho (2000) D: Mary Harron

I haven't read the book by Bret Easton Ellis (sp?), so I allow that I am missing crucial elements. I have a feeling I will get a comment about the low ranking here (brian?). BUT...I've already discussed the primality I place on a good ending, and the lame one in place doomed this Psycho. Everyone seems to be on Christian Bale's bandwagon, but I'm still hesitant to get on. I'm such a weirdo. I like Colin Farrel but no Christian Bale. What the hell is the matter with me? Am I 12?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

444. Hellboy (2004) D: Guillermo Del Toro

Ooh...Several websites which I frequent had this as in their Top Whatever of 2004. I just don't see it. Again, lacking the expansion provided by the source material, I admit that my enjoyment is flawed. However, it is the filmmaker's responsibility to appeal to those who haven't read the comic/book/whatever as well.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

443. Apt Pupil (1998) D: Bryan Singer

I saw this when I was 16. Not yet ready to fully appreciate movies whose full emphasis is on character growth (or lack thereof). I fancied myself a movie conosuer (fuck it), but mostly this was for show...for my friends. I was attempting to distance myself from the broad strokes painted on high school students, especially rural ones, by allowing myself a fine taste which my pallete was not quite ready to experience. So...my judgement on this stands, but with reservations. (Not Indian ones.)

Performance to Savor: Ian McKellan
Memorable Moment: None

442. Blade (1998) D: Stephen Norrington

Wow, this must be the section where Alex stuffs movies based on graphic novels that he hasn't read. Great.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

441. Charlie's Angels (2000) D: McG

Anybody else willing to admit they'd rather watch this than, say, "Seabiscuit" or "Apt Pupil"?

Performance to Savor: Bill Murray
Memorable Moment: None

440. Clueless (1995) D: Amy Heckerling

Suprisingly rewatchable, given my penchant for distancing myself from deeply superficial, spiritually materialistic, pleasantly annoying people. But, there's heart here, and an element of sweetness.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

439. The Land Before Time (1988) D: Don Bluth

I saw this when I was 6 and I loved it. Don't remember a damn thing other than the main dude was a baby brontosaurus named "Littlefoot".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

438. Gattaca (1997) D: Andrew Niccol

Interesting vision of a future dystopia. Uma and Ethan are (gulp) well-cast, given their stoic demeanors are suited for the stark, sanitized, ordered world in which they live.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

437. The Naked Gun 33 1/3 (1994) D: Peter Segal

Liutenant Drebin finally outstays his welcome, and Leslie Nielson is forever cursed to appear in "Spoofs". Only remotely funny because of its ties to the original, much more classic "Naked Gun".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

436. The Dead Zone (1983) D: David Cronenberg

All of my earlier discussion about source material should be taken with a grain of salt. More often than not, reading the book only causes disappointment with the cinematic version of the tale. As is the case here, often filmmakers steralize the source for marketing strategies, only to find their celluloid mutation is almost completely without merit. Read the book. Oh yeah, Stephen King novels don't work on the big screen. (Rule #276).

Performance to Savor: Christopher Walken
Memorable Moment: None

435. Rules of Engagement (2000) D: William Friedkin

I watched this in Jake(s)' pimp sophomore apartment, after my pilot never showed up to the airport and my flight was cancelled. I doubt that I gave it my full attention.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

434. Men Of Honor (2000) D: George Tillman Jr.

This is a 'cheap' movie. I mean that in the sense that it doesn't have to work hard for your emotion, and thus, does not leave a significant impression. I could make a scary movie where all of the scares come from quick, sudden, loud noises, but true fear comes from a sense of suspense, terror, waiting...Here, your emotions are solocited through the tale of a black man overcoming racism in the navy, but it never truly takes its gloves off and forces you to notice.

Performance to Savor: Robert De Niro
Memorable Moment: None

433. The Terminal (2004) D: Steven Spielberg

More of a product of failed expectations that actual mediocrity. With such a pedigree, I expected nothing short of perfection. When confronted with the reality of the picture, I reacted negatively...perhaps unjustly.

Performance to Savor: Stanley Tucci
Memorable Moment: None

432. Half-Baked (1998) D: Tamra Davis

A classic, I know. I'm ready for the criticism. Let me just say: Dave Chapelle should not be allowed to make fun of white people. He was in "You've Got Mail". Think about that.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

431. Northfork (2003) D: Michael Polish

One of the most beautifully imagined and shot movies I've seen. Excellent capturing of the bleak eastern Montana landscape. Clever story, though more appropriately told in a short film. Feature length just does not suit the narrative here.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

430. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) D: Marcus Nispel

Grimy, dirty, sleazy, sick, wet, bloody, tattered, broke, ugly.

Performance to Savor: R. Lee Ermey
Memorable Moment: None

429. Death Becomes Her (1992) D: Robert Zemeckis

This movie won an Academy Award for Special Effects, and appropriately so, though the themes were entirely lost on my 10 year old brain.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

428. The Butterfly Effect (2004) D: Eric Bress

Alright. It starts Ashton Kutcher, and its not in the 700s. One of the more major suprises I've had. Actually, it handles the problem of time travel quite well, though the method in which it is carried out is a bit suspect. I really liked the ending, which is a definite plus. Amy Smart was not suited for this role, and I don't know why.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

427. Dawn of the Dead (2004) D: Zach Snyder

A one-trick pony, with plenty of fantasy elements to keep you happy. Unlimited access to a mall. Murder without guilt, etc...

Performance to Savor: Ving Rhames
Memorable Moment: None

426. Remember the Titans (2000) D: Boaz Yakin

Whoa, the Sports Guy would not be happy. Then again, well...there is no then again. He's pretty much better than me in every way. Maybe I should move this.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

425. Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)

The accent, clothes, jokes, villain....eveything, is wearing thin. How lame was it to have Austin's dad be exactly like Austin? Wouldn't it have been funnier if they were completely unalike? Then agin...I'm a math tutor in Brooklyn Park. What do I know?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

Hopes and Dreams

No, my blog will not be that ethereal. Mostly just wishing that every McDonald's could be more like this.

Actually had to work today. I'll get back to T-Biggs later. Please, no one kill themselves with anticipation.

Interlude: Genre

This is a somewhat difficult classification. I limited myself to giving each movie at most two genres. Naturally, there are cases where a movie has more, so I tried to give the two which I felt represent the movie the best. Obviously this is completely subjective, and perhaps open to as much debate as the list itself. Since a movie can have more than one genre, the number of total entries will be greater than the number of movies I've seen. Duh. As always, I'll list the totals first, then averages. I have to have seen at least ten movies from a genre for it to be considered for averages.

Most Viewed Genres: Genre (# seen)

18. Biopic (1) Yeah, this number suprised me too. But I don't consider "Ed Wood" and "Rudy" straight biopics, and I can't really say why. Just a gut feeling.

17. (tie) Documentary (2)
Religious (2)
16. Western (9)
15. Music/Musical (10)
14. Comic Book (13)
13. War (17)
12. Animation (26)
11. Mystery (30)
10. Fantasy (49)
9. (Tie) Romance (56)
Crime (56)
8. Adventure (57)
7. Horror (65)
6. Sci-Fi (72)
5. Family (76)
4. Thriller (109)
3. Action (170)
2. Drama (270)
1. Comedy (295)

Any of those numbers suprise you? I would say the #1 suprises me the most. I don't consider my self a "Comedy Movie" kind of guy, but it looks like I keep going back to those for whatever reason. Another possibility is that comedies tend to be shorter in length and easier to swallow, which facillitates watching them. From this point I decided to calculate which movie in my life is representative of the movies I've seen. Since I've seen the most comedies out of 770 movies (I missed a couple on my original list), then #385 would be in the middle. So I just looked for the comedy nearest to here and voila: "Airplane II". As a matter of fact, it is a comedy, so there ya go. What an interesting guy I am!

Anyway, just cuz I've seen a bunch of comedies, doesn't mean that that's my favorite genre, so on to the "Averages". Now, I've listed the #1 movie out of each genre, and the worst movie from each, but take that with a grain of salt. For example: "Shaun of the Dead" is the best movie I've seen from the Comedy genre. Does that make it the funniest? Of course not. Far from it. Its just the best overall movie. So...interpret this however you want. Mostly, though, we've learned that I'm a huge nerdy-nerd.

Remember: 10 movie minimum to qualify for Averages.

16. Romance (490.34)

Best: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Worst: Straight Talk

15. Horror (466.35)

Best: The Silence of the Lambs
Worst: Prom Night

14. Mystery (453.27)

Best: Memento
Worst: Darkness

13. Thriller (441.03)

Best: Silence of the Lambs
Worst: Turbulence

12. Comedy (438.30)

Best: Shaun of the Dead
Worst: Baby's Day Out

11. Family (425.30)

Best: The Incredibles
Worst: All Dog's Go to Heaven

10. Comic Book (414.77)

Best: Spider-Man
Worst: Daredevil

9. Action (402.14)

Best: Jurassic Park
Worst: Turbulence

8. Music /Musical (357.1)

Best: The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Worst: Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit

7. Adventure (346.75)

Best: The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
Worst: Mortal Kombat

6. Sci-Fi (341.15)

Best: Jurassic Park
Worst: Johnny Mnemonic

5. Fantasy (330.82)

Best: The Lord of the Rings
Worst: The Kid

4. Drama (326.73)

Best: Pulp Fiction
Worst: 200 Cigarettes

3. Crime (317.20)

Best: Pulp Fiction
Worst: 8 Heads in A Duffle Bag

2. Animation (269.92)

Best: The Incredibles
Worst: All Dogs Go to Heaven

1. War (163.77)

Best: Schindler's List
Worst: The Patriot

Wow. That was a little more than suprising. I never would've guessed that War would be #1 for me. I also didn't think that Music/Musicals would be so high. This got me thinking that we only really remember the best of a genre, or director, or so on....sometimes a genre will be better than another pretty much only if it has less "bad" movies. Alright, I hope this was exciting for everyone. Have a great weekend.

474-450

Happy Humpday everyone! I'm pumped because Jake(s) found an apartment, and its quite close to mine...so I'll have someone to dick around with when E-town is completely panicking about school. On to the list:

474. The Shipping News (2001) D: Lasse Hallstrom

Two titans of modern cinema (Kevin Spacy and Julianne Moore) are well cast in this arresting drama set in Nova Scotia. Basically a character study of a man forced to deal with sadness in the past and present, this flick is beautifully shot and acted.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

473. Desperado (1995) D: Robert Rodriguez

And then he made Spy Kids.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

472. The Cowboy Way (1994) D: Gregg Champion

I've already discussed somewhat the transparent chemistry of Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes. Well, Woody and Kiefer Sutherland come in a close second. Shortness of script and vision are made up for by the good time the two obviously had while making this film.

Performance to Savor: Woody Harrelson
Memorable Moment: None

471. IQ (1994) D: Fred Schepisi

What is there to say? A romantic comedy which features Albert Einstein as match-maker. Shit, I figure if I spent all day analyzing the Riemannian curvature tensor, I'd be tempted to live vicarioulsy through my granddaughter as well.

Performance to Savor: Walter Matthau
Memorable Moment: None

470. Wild Things (1998) D: John McNaughton

Stylishly filmed film noir for the 90s, with more twists than Chubby Checker. The plot turns are a bit over done by the end, but I give the filmmakers credit for not leaning only on Denise Richards ample cleavage.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

469. Far and Away (1992) D: Ron Howard

An epic movie before Cruise, Kidman, and Howard were really ready to make epic movies. The passion between the leads is palpable, which hooks you in.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

468. What Dreams May Come (1998) D: Vincent Ward

E-town and I sat around all Saturday, and we ended up catching the last 3/4 of this movie. Compelling story and special effects, though the overall atmosphere lacks a little something. Maybe an element of depth needed to completely immerse the viewer in the gravity of the situation. And Robin Williams needs to stop the whole "laughing while crying" bit. It gets old.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

467. The Green Mile (1999) D: Frank Darabont

Frank Darabont: The Lord of Movies Based On Stephen King Prison Stories. Everyone loved this film. Except me. It was ok, I guess....but the entire first half of the movie just felt like a giant cinematic throat clearing. Such set up would be necessary if it paid off at the end, which it didn't.

Performance to Savor: Percy Whitmore
Memorable Moment: None

466. Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000) D: Joel Coen

The Coens let me down for the first time. After a string of success (Raising Arizona, Fargo, The Big Lebowski), they try a little too hard and come up a little short. I appreciate the cinematography and the supporting actors, but the main three rubbed me the wrong way.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

465. Play Misty for Me (1971) D: Clint Eastwood

Eastwood attempts to break type by casting himself as a Radio DJ who's in a bit of a spot with a psychotic listener. One of my mom's friend claimed that this was the scariest movie she'd ever seen, but Eastwoods acting (though not bad, just not appropriate for the role) completely breaks any suspense that might've been gained.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

464. The Patriot (2000) D: Roland Emmerich

Big budget hullabaloo with Aussie Gibson as an American revolutionary. Like Terminator 2 it condemns violence as it revels in it. I would've appreciated less black/white good/evil paintings of the two sides of the war. Surely not all of the British were sadistic sociopaths.

Performance to Savor: Jason Isaacs
Memorable Moment: None

463. Mystery Men (1999) D: Kinka Usher

A light comedy which spoofs (without the zaniness of, say, "Airplane!") the super hero drama. Not gonna win any awards for anything, but definitely worth watching.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

462. Pete's Dragon (1977) D: Don Chaffey

I started watching this at such a young age that its hard for me to now seperate my memories of the actual movie, and memories which I created about the movie. In either case, classic Disney tale of misfit kid and outcast animal. Though in this case the animal is a giant animated dragon.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

461. A Day Without a Mexican (2004) D: Sergio Arau

One of the more clever films I've seen in recent years. One day all of the hispanics in California completely disappear. Of course, this leads to such questions as what defines race, culture, heritage, etc... Worthwhile questions which seem just out of reach for the filmmakers to effectively handle. The end is predictable, and not that effective. Also, the impenetrable fog is completely forced. I would like to see this done with better production value, and about a month of extra thought put into the script.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: At the drive-thru

460. Scrooged (1988) D: Richard Donner

Another retelling of Dickens' "A Christmas Carol", though set in the world of blood thirsty TV executives. Suprisingly heartless, and though Bill Murray is quite good, he's better when the ass that he's playing is also lovable.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

459. Bicentennial Man (1999) D: Chris Columbus

An interesting case. I saw this, didn't like it at all, and completely dismissed it. Then, I read the original short story by Isaac Asimov, reflected on the film with added information, and it began to grow on me. More than I'd expect from Columbus, there are crucial as well as subtle elements from Asimov's tale thrown in to the movie.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

458. Liar, Liar (1997) D: Tom Shadyac

Oh, just admit it, you liked this too.

Performance to Savor: Jim Carrey
Memorable Moment: None

457. Batman Forever (1995) D: Joel Schumacher

Batman is desperately trying to hold on to a shred of dignity and distinguished darkness (wow, alliteration!), while Shumacher wrests it from his leather-clad fist. Bridging the gap between moody and campy, dark and giddy, this movie has a skewed vision, and far too much of it. Carrey and Jones overact, Kilmer underacts, and Kidman collects a paycheck. Fuck Chris O'Donnel.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

456. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (1999) D: George Lucas

Volumes upon volumes of internet space has been dedicated to the fanboy trashing of this movie. I'll try to be concise: George Lucas is a bad director. George Lucas is a bad scriptwriter. George Lucas made a great trilogy in the past, but those days are gone. George Lucas favors FX over emotion.

But, it is Star Wars...so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Bring on Ep. III!

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

455. One Hour Photo (2002) D: Mark Romanek

After "Insomnia" Robin Williams decided that he was capable of playing a villain, and though "Insomnia" was a much better film than this, Williams is far more believable here. He's a lovable loser at the local market, working as a photo developer. The movie has issues with editing, however, which hampered its ability to remain suspenseful. Also, the family that Williams becomes obsessed with seems too "Lets get the prettiest people possible" for me to take seriously. Romanek has worked for Nine Inch Nails, Fiona Apple, and others as a music director.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

454. The Recruit (2003) D: Roger Donaldson

A silly and hampered bit of filmmaking, concentrating on the CIA and their training techniques. Why, then, so high? Well, I don't know if #454 should be considered high, but I really like Colin Farrel. I don't know why. He hasn't been in anything that I particularly like, and he's definitely been in shit that I don't (Daredevil). But, I think he's got a lot of charisma, and this movie shows that if he can find the proper script to do with Mr. Pacino, the result could be magical.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

453. Zoolander (2001) D: Ben Stiller

Like "Anchorman" this movie is funnier once you've left the theater. Saying the lines yourself in your own personal situations results in deeper belly laughs than those produced by the actual flick. Sorry Sirens.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

452. Mr. Holland's Opus (1995) D: Stephen Herek

After "What About Bob?" I haven't been able to envision Richard Dreyfuss as anything other than an egotistical ass, and that definitely impaired my ability to enjoy this sappiness.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

451. The Beach (2000) D: Danny Boyle

Danny Boyle basically made a crap sandwhich. His last three movies: Trainspotting, The Beach, 28 Days Later. I just couldn't give this higher marks, despite the scenery and acting, because of the lack of a sense of conflict. Why am I supposed to care about these kids who have the ability to travel around Thailand and seek remote beaches....then feel sorry for them when shit goes down. By shit, I mean, "Oh no, god forbid someone else find our heaven on earth." Too self-absorbed for my tastes.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

450. The Witches (1990) D: Nicolas Roeg

A good adaptation of Roald Dahl's book. Has there been a more underappreciated author than Roald Dahl? Everything he churned out was perfect. Everything. From "The Twits" to "The BFG". Their definitely kids books, but they have adult elements, and they're not condescending. The stories are imagintive and unique. Damn, I should dust off a copy.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

Peace out, homies.

499-475

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone! For those of you who think that Valentine's Day is strictly for the ladies and that men often get the short end of the stick, I refer you here. Also, E-town has finally started a blog, and I've promised to plug it, so here's E's blog. Anyway, I had a lovely dinner at Christo's with my remarkable girlfriend (Grace), though I didn't finish my food because I had done too much pre-eating.

The alumni match was fun, especially because they gave us free food, and I got to hang out with Herr Falk.

Werth had an enormous meltdown at Costello's, which mostly involved straight JD, and random guys laughing at him.

St. Bangers won, even though we have 400 people on our team.

I can't really write effective blogs, because I spend too much energy on the movies. Get over it.

499. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (1978) D: Ralph Bakshi

Only this high because of how much I love the books and the new movies. As a stand alone movie, it wouldn't even crack into the 600s. Awful, awful, awful. If I didn't previously know the story, I would've been completely lost. Basically, they run rough-shod over FOTR and TTT in a bizarre muscial medley, (which is actually about 25 min), then plunge into creepy songs sung by orcs. Just a bad piece of filmmaking. Imagine being a huge fan of the books from the 50s, then being stung by this abortion. Disgusting taste in your mouth. Then, 25 years later, PJ releases the best movie (not just LOTR) ever. How pumped would you be? Would you drink a bottle of Jaeger? *note the self-promotion*

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

498. Shining Through (1992) D: David Seltzer

This movie attempts to reconciliate women and the WWII/Spy genre. Suprisingly, it does it quite well. I can't give it higher marks because I can't stand Melanie Griffith, but there are some genuinely suspenseful moments, espicially in the hands of Liam Neeson

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

497. Teen Wolf (1985) D: Rod Daniel

Responsible for the proliferation of the "friend who is in love with the other friend, but the other friend doesn't notice, so they spend their time with attractive but insipid populars, only to realize the truth at the end" teen-movies. Done through the medium of the werewolf? Classic. But...I love basketball, and those scenes are handled so poorly, it pretty much just took me out of it. Kinda like getting nut-tapped. I mean...who jumps for a free-throw?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

496. Bruce Almighty (2003) D: Tom Shadyac

Granted, this was comedy, though not Jim Carrey's best...and granted this isn't exactly the forum for doing so...but I tend to prefer movies that actually say something, rather than blandly regurgitating the numbing political correctness of the day. On second thought...I'll introduce this topic later. This movie's just fine. Forget what I said.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Divine humping

495. Bandits (2001) D: Barry Levinson

A solid little caper flick, which unfortunately in the end has to resort to trite love-triangleness. But, Billy Bob is amazing, as is Cate. Set right in my backyard as well, and it was fun to see places on screen that I've been to.

Performance to Savor: Billy Bob Thornton
Memorable Moment: None

494. Pure Luck (1991) D: Nadia Tass

Its got Martin Short, and its still this high. Imagine how good everything else is.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

493. Mr. Deeds (2002) D: Steven Brill

While I appreciated Adam Sandler's attempt to break new ground and play a different type of character, this movie couldn't quite decide if it was a comedy or a romantic comedy or a drama (well, not that) or what. Better direction and a different star would've helped immensely.

Performance to Savor: Jon Turturro
Memorable Moment: None

492. Keeping the Faith (2000) D: Edward Norton

This movie wasn't very well recieved, because there wasn't a definable audience for it. Most of the younger public couldn't relate to the problems of a Catholic priest and a Jew, those of either faith were perhaps alienated by some of the methodological stances, and everyone else just didn't think it was funny. I, for one, found it amusing, and I applaud Norton's efforts to capture modern interfaith discourse in a comedic, modern, and timely way.

Performance to Savor: Jenna Elfman
Memorable Moment: None

491. The Fisher King (1991) D: Terry Gilliam

I really wanted to like this. Really bad. I love everything else that Gilliam has done, and given my blanket approval of this one, he would easily top my list as favorite director. (I know you can feel the "but" coming) But...I just couldn't get in to it. Gilliam is at his best when his direction is committed and focused. Be it fantasy ("Time Bandits" "Baron Munchausen") or Sci-Fi ("12 Monkeys"), he must have a clear goal. "The Fisher King" tried to bridge a gap between fantasy, drama, and comedy, and while a appreciate eclectic flicks, it doesn't work for me. Now, many critics will disagree with me...this is admittedly one of Gilliam's more mature works, but this is my list. So fuck off.

Performance to Savor: Robin Williams

Memorable Moment: None

490. Any Given Sunday (1999) D: Oliver Stone

The best thing to come from this exaggerated pickle is the realization that Jamie Foxx can have a career as a legitmate dramatic actor.

Performance to Savor: Jamie Foxx

Memorable Moment: None

489. Mystery, Alaska (1999) D: Jay Roach

Another movie seen only because of my esteemed status as a video store clerk. Not entirely without merit, in that its got Russel Crowe in a comedic performance (whose capabilities are vastly underused and underrated). Roach knows what he's doing more or less, and comedies set in Alaska are few and far between.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

488. Analyze This (1999) D: Harold Ramis

The movie upon which Robert De Niro trained his comedic acting chops for "Meet the Parents". This is just practice, though, and RDN had yet to acquire the comedic timing which made MTP memorable. Also, we've seen De Niro as italian mobster for so long, it was too hackneyed for his first foray into comedy to be as italian mobster. MTP did it better...keep the tough guy, let RDN play straight man.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

487. Time Cop (1994) D: Peter Hyams

A loose collection of cool ideas, barely strung together, and definitely not united by Jean-Claude Van Damme. The opening sequence encapsulates many of the "what if " conversations I've had over the years, though slightly more violent. Loads of potential, and actually handles the stickiness of time travel quite well.

Performance to Savor: Ron Silver

Memorable Moment: Same place, same time

486. Iron Will (1994) D: Charles Haid

Mindless Disney feelgoodness. Kevin Spacey adds some much needed weight in a not-more-than-a-cameo role.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

485. Ghost (1990) D: Jerry Zucker

Look at the director. This is the guy responsible for the "Airplane!" and "Naked Gun" movies, as well as "Police Squad", and other spoof-heavy comedies. How did he make this movie? How did any studio green light the money for this pitch? Very influential movie, with a great love story and sleazy villain. Much of that was lost on my 8-year-old brain, though unfortunately Whoopi's appearance wasn't.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: Pottery

484. The Life of David Gale (2003) D: Alan Parker

Widely-panned flick, mostly because of Kate Winslet's and Kevin Spacey's ham-handed overacting. Laura Linney is devestating and fragile, and her role holds this movie together. More twists and turns than one would expect for a movie like this, and to be honest, the ending sequence is unforgettable.

Performance to Savor: Laura Linney

Memorable Moment: Final Video tape

483. Pecker (1998) D: John Waters

Edward Furlong attempts to break his post-Terminator malaise, and performs superbly. The character isn't much of a stretch for him, but the dialogue and supporting roles are sharp.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

482. The Missing (2003) D: Ron Howard

This movie was better when it was called "The Searchers".

Performance to Savor: Cate Blanchett

Memorable Moment: None

481. The Mummy (1999) D: Stephen Sommers

Sommers pays homage to the Universal monsters of early film. Exceptionally campy, overacted, effects heavy...a lot of fun.

Performance to Savor: Arnold Vosloo

Memorable Moment: None

480. Money Train (1995) D: Joseph Ruben

Hollywood must be the most transparant institution ever. A movie is released, it makes money, studio attempts to bottle that magic by regurgitating it all over the paying-public. Woody and Wesley had unbelievable chemistry in "White Men Can't Jump", and they still do here...though they essentially are playing the same guys. This movie isn't great, but like I said, the leads are charasmatic, and I think its funny that my mom and I saw this in the theatre.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

479. The Waterboy (1998) D: Frank Coraci

More Sandler voices and bad humor, but the presence of Henry Winkler adds an element of heart and well-meaning missing from other Sandler duds.

Performance to Savor: Kathy Bates

Memorable Moment: None

478. Antz (1998) D: Eric Darnell

Before "Shark Tale", "Antz" was my least favorite of the CGI-animated movies. Mostly, this owes to the fact that it aimed a bit too high in their target audience, but not high enough, if that makes sense. They wanted to be unique by crafting a kiddie movie with adult appeal, but rather than infusing the script with clever jokes and wit, they cast Woody Allen to ramble on and on. This movie reduces to lots o' talking, and not enough fun.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

477. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) D: Steve Barron

The cartoon was great, but the whole concept is just too gimmicky to really work as a live-action movie. Perhaps a big budget cartoon with famous voices and expensive animation would help, but as it is...its just kinda wierd.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

476. Cool Runnings (1993) D: Jon Turteltaub

A unique idea, and a decent cast, but Turteltaub does little more than just connect the dots. I didn't expect more, but I coulda rated it hire if I felt an element of depth from anything other than John Candy's waistline.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

475. Blue Sky (1994) D: Tony Richardson

This isn't your typical "Alex" movie: dramatic, romantic elements, plotline focusing on character growth. But, the performances of Tommy Lee Jones and Jessica Lange are so captivating and touching, that I can't ignore them. Lange in particular is oscar-worthy.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

524-500

Hey hey hey...I'm writing this while I watch CSI (an excellent show by the way), so well, I guess quality had to be previously good for it to drop...um, nevermind.

524. Corrina, Corrina (1994) D: Jessie Nelson

An unlikely romantic dramedy pairing Ray Liotta and Whoopi Goldberg. Who woulda thought? Somehow it works, though the adorable Tina Marjorino definately helps. Never thought that I'd write a blub about a Whoopi Goldberg that didn't include the words "open wound".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

523. Toys (1992) D: Barry Levinson

This movie, much like Robin Williams ' "What Dreams May Come", has the ability to wow the audience both with its dream-like sets and atmosphere, and yet seem all too earthly and mundane. Not the best of qualities for a comedic fantasy.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

522. It Could Happen To You (1994) D: Andrew Bergman

I should hate this movie. Its got Rosie Perez and her accented worse. But...there's something about a "poor man gets rich" story done without excess and scum that I am partial to.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

521. Mary Shelly's Frankenstein (19940 D: Kenneth Branagh

Not the best "Frankenstein" story, but it gets an "A" for effort. Earnestly acted, it eventually suffers from Branagh's Shakespearan vision. This tale requires an element of dark humor, which is noticably absent here.

Performance to Savor: Robert De Niro
Memorable Moment: None

520. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989) D: Joe Johnston

An excellent kids movie, but there's not much else here. Rick Moranis plays Rick Moranis, but its all in good fun.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Gigantic cookie

519. Tommy Boy (1995) D: Peter Segal

What is there to say? This movie is nothing but Farley's mugging, but unlike other SNL alums his comedic timing is charismatic and unpretentious.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

518. Bride of Chucky (1998) D: Ronny Yu

I've never seen the originals, though I doubt they incorporated this level of camp. Sufficiently humerous to keep the viewer's mind away from the lagging horror, with enough blood to sate those who require it. Brad "Wormtongue" Dourif, is the voice of Chucky.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: "I'm made of rubber!"

517. Road Trip (2000) D: Todd Phillips

Tom Green's only appearance on the silver screen which is not equivalent to a dry-heave. Thankfully the Mr. Phillips kept Green at bay, allowing seasoned thespian Seann William Scott to wow us with technique and form.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

516. Black Sheep (1996) D: Penelope Spheeris

See "Tommy Boy".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

515. Nurse Betty (2000) D: Neil LaBute

I hate Renee Zellweger. If her and French Stewart had babies, the kids would be legally blind. The presence of Morgan Freeman adds some credibility, and Greg Kinnear is at his smarmy best, but the performances just can't rise above the strained script.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

514. The 13th Floor (1999) D: Josef Rusnak

With "eXistenZ", billed as "Better than the Matrix!", which does it a grave disservice. You can't beat "The Matrix" at its own game, and this movie would be better enjoyed as a pleasant suprise, rather than as a letdown. A nice ending, though somewhat predictable.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

513. Selena (1997) D: Gregory Nava

I hate to say this about a movie which features Jennifer Lopez prominantly, but its a great biopic of the hispanic singer. J-Lo is bearable because she still has her natural hair, smile, body, and behind. Edward James Olmos is also remarkable.

Performance to Savor: Jennifer Lopez
Memorable Moment: None

512. Dave (1993) D: Ivan Reitman

Kevin Kline might be one of the most underappreciated actor of our time. He is good in everything, bringing wit and charm, without every becoming stale. He's pitch perfect in this amusing tale of an average man who becomes president.

Performance to Savor: Kevin Kline
Memorable Moment: None

511. Harry and the Hendersons (1987) D: William Dear

A solid little movie, though it can't quite decide between family drama, and all out comedy. The first encounter with Harry occupied my nightmares for years...so beware.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

510. Kindergarden Cop (1990) D: Ivan Reitman

Truly an excellent Arnie vehicle. The kind of movies he needs to do to put people in the theater who are outside of the young male demographic. But, the villain involved is to lame to really care about the plot behind comedy.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: "Boys have a penis, girls have vagina!"

509. Ransom (1996) D: Ron Howard

A one-note movie which falls flat of its ambition by failing to establish the bond between parent and child. We learn it throughout the course of the flick, but by then its too late.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

508. The Mask of Zorro (1998) D: Martin Campbell

Fun, though you have to wonder what prompted Anthony Hopkins to appear as the original Zorro. Antonio Banderas has perfected the form of the rebellious mexican/spaniard.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

507. Grease (1978) D: Randal Kleiser

A modern classic...or so they say. I suspect that this is only because of the admittedly memorable songs. I just never responded to this the way others have.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

506. Clue (1985) D: Jonathan Lynn

Definitely a clever movie, and an enjoyable watch. I just can't rank it much higher, because I don't feel that its rewatchable. Once you've seen it once...that's pretty much enough.

Performance to Savor: Tim Curry
Memorable Moment: None

505. Deep Impact (1998) D: Mimi Leder

The similarities to Armageddon are obvious. This one is more sophisticated without the cheese, without the excess, without the Bruckheimerishness...and without the fun.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

504. Con Air (1997) D: Simon West

Bruckheimer officially decides that plot, pacing, and dialogue are obsolete.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

503. Bad Boys II (2003) D: Michael Bay

I watched this with Simmz under the pretense that this was the best movie he'd ever seen. I should've known better. I can't completely condemn it though...Will Smith and Martin Lawrence do have remarkable chemistry, and are very entertaining to watch. Its all superficial though.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

502. The Hours (2002) D: Stephen Daldry

It seems that most critics praised this because they felt like they had to. Its got the pedigree...but shit, just because Nicole puts on a prosthetic nose, doesn't make her the oscar-worthy. I found her to be aloof and boring.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

501. Runaway Bride (1999) D: Garry Marshall

Marshall, Roberts, and Gere reteam in an obvious attempt to bottle the "Pretty Women" magic. Just doesn't work. I've pretty much run out of stuff to say for the day. I'll be better tomorrow, I promise.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

500. Mars Attacks (1996) D: Tim Burton

I only just now found out that this was directed by Burton. That can't be a good thing. I should've been able to tell from the opening frame that Burton was all over this one. A collection of talent...all of which are wasted. Another element on the list of "Signs that Alex Won't Like This Movie": An amazing assembled cast. No movie with a giant cast (all stars) has ever been good. And no..."Jay and Silent Bob" did not have "stars".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

549-525

I'm somewhat running out of things to say about bad movies. Thankfully, we're approaching the end of the one and a half star movies, and we'll get to the two star movies today. That should bring a bit of a change. But, on a four-star scale, two-star movies are still just average. Oh well...

549. The Fast and the Furious (2001) D: Rob Cohen

Basically a terrestrial version of "Point Break", though production value and special effects make this (unoriginal) remake a bit more enjoyable. Of course, this is one of Simmz' favorites, and we all know what that means.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

548. Romeo Must Die (2000) D: Andrzej Barkowiak

How soon after the death of a lead is it acceptable to completely rip them? For example, Cary Grant died twenty years ago, and no one would be offended if I tore him a second sphincter. Woah. Anyway, Aaliyah died only 3 years ago, so would it be ok if I discussed how awful she is in this? I dunno, I think its alright, and I don't think we should tip toe around anyone's performance if they've recently died. But that's just me... and not many people like me.

Performance to Savor: Delroy Lindo
Memorable Moment: None

547. The Sum of All Fears (2002) D: Phil Alden Robinson

People who haven't read the book would likely have it ranked much higher. The changes made, however, are agregious and unforgivable, and it completely detracted from my enjoyment of the movie. Jack Ryan is now young? Played by Ben Ass-lick? Wait...the terrorists are now Germans? I can't remember any more right now.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

546. You've Got Mail (1998) D: Nora Ephron

These are the type of Tom Hanks performances that exist only for their mainstream appeal. Sure, he's a great actor, but hell, anyone could play these roles. Fuck, alot of actors could've played Forrest Gump as well. He shows much more depth in "Castaway" and "Philadelphia". Anyway, the adorable Meg Ryan prevented me commiting self-fallicide.

Performance to Savor: Meg Ryan
Memorable Moment: None

545. The Haunting (1999) D: Jan De Bont

The house is haunted by the ghost of a former owner. Hope I didn't spoil anything for anyone.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

544. Bowfinger (1999) D: Frank Oz

I will say this: I like it when Steve Martin plays these characters. Sleazy, underhanded, uber-flawed...lesson never learned. He did it to perfection in "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" and he's in fine-form here. But, I just don't buy Eddie Murphy as a dork. Would anyone mind if Eddie Murphy was killed in 1996?

Performance to Savor: Steve Martin
Memorable Moment: None

543. The Mummy Returns (2001) D: Stephen Sommers

At ILM (Industrial Light and Magic) they have a scale which describes the amount of CG work required for a particular scene. The ranking for "Computers Completely Explode" comes directly before "What Stephen Sommers Wants". Nice reputation, guy.

Performance to Savor: Arnold Vosloo
Memorable Moment: None

542. Event Horizon (1997) D: Paul W.S. Anderson

I was determined to like this movie because it starred Sam Neill (and I love Jurassic Park), and its about space/physics/science/etc. So, I saw it with a friend and his dad, and afterward, my friend kept asking me to explain what the fuck just happened. I hemmed, I hawed, but ultimately, I had no idea. There was no goddam reason given for anything to happen like it did. Why? Oh why?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

541. Vertical Limit (2000) D: Martin Campbell

I really liked the opening sequence. I didn't see the closing sequence because we ran out of the theater before the movie ended to catch a bus.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Mesa death

540. The Addams Family (1991) D: Barry Sonnenfeld

Barry Sonnenfeld's first major motion picture, and....this is going nowhere.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

539. Play It To the Bone (1991) D: Ron Shelton

Ranked this high because it features Lucy Liu as a badass sexpot with a 'tude. Ranked this low because of everything else.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

538. Dangerous Minds (1995) D: John N. Smith

One of the best of the "Teacher Transforms Heretofore Unreachable Students Who, For A Variety Of Reasons, Including Racism, Poverty, Drugs, Teen Pregnancy, and Violence, Are Unable To Get A Fair Shake At Life" genre. Although, Michelle Phieffer is a bit too waifish for me to believe she is an ex-marine. Classic song.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

537. Father of the Bride (1991) D: Charles Shyer

The characters I don't like seeing Steve Martin play. Family men. Goofy. Although, a solid script and supporting cast keep this on life support.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

536. Stakeout (1987) D: John Badham

The only thing I remember about this movie is that at some point, Emilio Estevez sported a mustache. And that's gotta count for something.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

535. 10 Things I Hate About You (1999) D: Gil Junger

Now this is a teen dramedy I can get on bored with. Like its kin, however, it falls prey to certain stereotypes which ultimately hinder its creativity. But, this one manages to work within those generalizations rather than be neutered by them.

Performance to Savor: Heath Ledger
Memorable Moment: None

534. Dirty Work (1998) D: Bob Saget

The very best of the one and a half star movies. Norm McDonald was pretty much lobbed this one, and instead of hitting it out of the park, he didn't even swing. His comedy just can't support a feature length film, though I give props to Saget for the whole "sucking cock" line. That was awesome.

Performance to Savor: Bob Saget
Memorable Moment: None

533. Bean (1997) D: Mel Smith

Ahh...the mediocre movies. The two stars. This it where it begins. What can I say? I love Rowan Atkinson. I think he's a very gifted physical humorist, though this movie feels a bit stretched.

Performance to Savor: Rowan Atkinson
Memorable Moment: None

532. Brining Out the Dead (1999) D: Martin Scorsese

From a cinematic point of view, this movie is quite an achievement. The use of lighting, editing, and framing go much further in the narration than any dialogue or voice-over could. This film suffers from a combination of excellent direction and acting, but meaningless script.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

531. Stir of Echoes (1999) D: David Koepp

Remember when I said I saw this on my only date? Well, Lacey, the chick I was with, was absolutely horrified with this movie. That put the onus on me to act with extra bravado and machismo. I couldn't fully enjoy the movie, because I (stupidly, I know) spent too much time witholding any emotional information I might subconsciously emit. Dammit Lacey. Lacey Gates. I think she has a kid now, though I'm not sure. (Not mine, duh.)

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

530. Big Daddy (1999) D: Dennis Dugan

The problem is in the plot. Like "John Q." an intriguing premise is mostly ruined by the realization that no satisfying ending can result. The kid is not Sonny's, and they didn't set up Jon Stewart's character to be enough of an ass for me to hope that Sonny fights the system. Contrived Adam Sandler vehicle. Though they all are.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

529. Addams Family Values (1993) D: Barry Sonnenfeld

What is it about the Addams Family movies that makes me draw a blank? With other movies, I can usually think of something to say. But for these? Nothing. Maybe I haven't actually seen them?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

528. Die Another Day (2002) D: Lee Tamahori

The same problem afflicts the Bond franchise as the Cruise-produced "Mission: Impossible" series: they've completely disregarded their roots. They've both become loud, noisy, and MTV-y, at the expense of their witty espionage parentage. I hope the next Bond movie features a thinking Bond, rather than a brute one. (the movie, not just the actor)

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

527. Hearts in Atlantis (2001) D: Scott Hicks

Grace and I saw this for the sole reason of watching Anthony Hopkins act. He let us down. And check it out, this was based on a Stephen King story, increasing the number of failed King-to-Screen projects.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

526. 8MM (1999) D: Joel Schumacher

This is what happens when Mr. Hollywood gets Ms. Not-Your-Average-Movie pregnant and then abandons the baby.

Performance to Savor: Joaquin Phoenix
Memorable Moment: None

525. Sphere (1998) D: Barry Levinson

Why am I so big? I am very active, I lift and run. I eat balanced meals. I know my parents are big, but so are Bam Margera's (very big) and he's quite thin. Its very frustrating, and I'm tired of it.

Sorry.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

574-550

How was everyone's weekend? I didn't really do much...oh wait, yes I did! I totally had an awesome productive weekend, full of bank trips and pool. Well, off we go again, beginning another week of work, and another week of blurbing mediocre to bad movies.

574. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1993) D: Stephen Sommers

I love it when I discover old movies directed by people who are currently popular for other projects. Mr. Sommers for example, is (relatively) famous for The Mummy movies as well as "Van Helsing". I guess we can't expect much more from a graduate of St. John's (that's right, the one in Collegeville).

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

573. subUrbia (1996) D: Richard Linklater

I have a couple people in mind who might disown me for this ranking. I just never really got into the whole "slacker, indie, entire-story-in-one-night" movie.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

572. Scream 2 (1997) D: Wes Craven

I'm sick of racking my brain for some clever comment about 90s horror flicks. So, I'll just tell a joke instead.


Q: What do you get when you cross a tsetse fly and a mountain climber?

A: Nothing, you can't cross a vector and a scalar.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

571. 2 Days in the Valley (1996) D: John Herzfeld

When the only thing that you can remember about a movie is Eric Stoltz's boner, you ask yourself..."Um, why are you ruminating about boners?"

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

570. Planet of the Apes (2001) D: Tim Burton

Tim Burton has crafted some marvelous works of art, so I forgive him for this celluloid sewage. Everyone talks about the end as if it is so intriguing, that the entire movie is justified by it. My position is that Burton couldn't think of a suitable end, so he just tacked one on that he knew people would talk about. Regrettably, he didn't bother proofing it for soundness or any level of feasability. If you think about it (even factor in levels of time travel if you want)...the ending just doesn't make any sense at all. That's the worst part about this flick, the sheer laziness.

Performance to Savor: Paul Giamatti

Memorable Moment: None

569. Small Time Crooks (2000) D: Woody Allen

Neurotic, ridiculous, crappy. Basically, a decently clever for a movie, but completely bogged down by expectations for an Allen movie. Can't fault him for being good in the past, but I can for this piece of solid belch.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

568. Entrapment (1999) D: Jon Amiel

I stumbled upon Entrapment this weekend as I was mindlessly flipping channels. I moved on and ended up watching an eye surgery on Discovery. Much less painful.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

567. The Vanishing (1993) D: George Sluizer

Watching this is like going on a road trip with some friends, and staying at a horrible hotel. Its like, you're pumped at the overall situation, but the details just completely drive you insane.

Performance to Savor: Jeff Bridges
Memorable Moment: None

566. Absolute Power (1997) D: Clint Eastwood

The hallmark movie of Eastwood's post-"Unforgiven" slump.

Performance to Savor: Gene Hackman

Memorable Moment: None

565. Sleepless in Seattle (1993) D: Nora Ephron

I probably should like this movie more, but the circumstances around its viewing taint its memory. My mom offered to take me shopping for clothes at the mall, and we could also get some lunch and see a movie. I was pumped because of course, I love movies. This was the only thing playing. What the hell is an 11-year-old male with his mom to do? Get scarred for life, that's what.

Performance to Savor: Meg Ryan

Memorable Moment: None

564. The Devil's Advocate (1997) D: Taylor Hackford

The ending of a movie is my favorite part. I feel that a bad movie can be saved by a good ending ("Saw") or a good movie can be ruined by a bad one (this). Excellent premise, exciting execution, sinister villain, and actually, a decent performance by Keanu Reeves (all you have to do to get a good performance out of him is set up a character that must be confused and awe-struck throughout the flick, with a dose of physicality thrown in. Which is why "The Matrix" was perfect for him). Of course *SPOILERS COMING* they have to ruin it with the "It was all a dream" bullshit. Bullshit. Ever wonder how that became a curse word? Why bulls? Why not scorpions? Do scorpions shit?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

563. Deep Blue Sea (1999) D: Renny Harlin

Jurassic Park in the ocean. Seriously, exactly the same movie. A storm comes and knocks out security, and the scientists and assorted experts are left to face death at the hands (fins) of their own creations. Bleh.

Performance to Savor: Thomas Jane
Memorable Moment: Samuel L. Jackson is eaten

562. Seabiscuit (2003) D: Gary Ross

Everyone loved this movie, and I can see why. Its inspiring. Its beautifully shot. Its well acted. Why then is it the lowest oscar-nominee on my list? There was no conflict. Yeah, you might tell me that the guy's kid dying is conflict, or that the horse being too small is conflict, or that the other guys way of life being eradicated is conflict, or that Red's entire life was full of conflict, or that his broken leg was conflict, or that....hell, there was conflict. Just none that I cared about.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

561. Head of State (2003) D: Chris Rock

As far as Chris Rock vehicles go, this one has some of the better excuses for his standup. He playes a presidential hopeful, so he has cause to continuously be speaking to a giant group of people. Unfortunately, a loosely strung together collection of sketches and monologues does not a good movie make.

Performance to Savor: Bernie Mac
Memorable Moment: None

560. Something's Gotta Give (2003) D: Nancy Myers

The fact that no man has married Diane Keaton proves the inferiority of the male-persuasion. She's the only thing about this movie which doesn't make me shit concrete.

Performance to Savor: Diane Keaton
Memorable Moment: None

559. Boiler Room (2000) D: Ben Younger

Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

558. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989) D: Stephen Herek

I don't hate Keanu Reeves as much as everyone else does. But, this movie is low because it basically burned an image of him as doofus surfer into the collective mind of movie-goers everywhere. For that, I resent it, because I feel that he has a natural charisma, tainted by Stephen Herek.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

557. 13 Conversations About 1 Thing (2001) D: Jill Sprecher

Maybe one of my next lists will be "Sure signs that Alex is probably not going to like a movie". Naturally, "Attempts to tell a tale of multiple intersecting story lines, with sharp dialogue and pretentious relationships, and is not Pulp Fiction" will be towards the top. I feel like I'm repeating myself. Fuck it, Hollywood is one massive repitition.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

556. Mr. Destiny (1990) D: James Orr

This is kinda fun to watch because Linda Hamilton plays feminine non-bad ass. Although by fun, I mean "entirely boring, and it'll make you just with you were watching Sarah Connor do pullups in an insane asylum."

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

555. Volcano (1997) D: Mick Jackson

So, is Anne Heche a lesbian or not? Obviously it doesn't matter, but I just want some closure on her sexuality. She's like the Jason Kidd of actresses. I think maybe only E and Jake(s) will understand that one.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Jumping off the subway into the lava

554. Dick Tracy (1990) D: Warren Beatty

I got nothing.

Performance to Savor: Al Pacino
Memorable Moment: None

553. The General's Daughter (1999) D: Simon West

John Travolta completely overacts. Wow, that's kinda like saying "Fish like to swim" or "Alex is currently hungry" or "E-town is not wearing pajamas" or "(insert arbitrary Blazer) is suspended for conduct detrimental to the team".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

552. S.W.A.T. (2003) D: Clark Johnson

Saw this in Hungary. By myself. Yeah, great idea Alex. I think I was avoiding some homework at the time. Sam Jackson's character is actually named "Hondo". You can't make this stuff up. And the rogue SWAT guy looks like Frodo Baggins on steroids.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

551. Flatliners (1990) D: Joel Schumacher

An unbelievable idea for a movie. So much promise...wasted. Great cast....wasted. The reviewer on imdb.com has no idea what they're talking about. They call it a "gem" and "original". Um, no. Idea = original. Everything else = hackneyed.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

550. Panic Room (2002) D: David Fincher

The bad guy is white, and he has corn rows. Yeah, I know.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

599-575

Well...we've gotten in to the 500's. For those of you still reading, the movies are getting steadily better, although so far its probably more accurate to say "steadily less worse". Right.

599. Blast from the Past (1999) D: Hugh Wilson

This is my first blurb of the day, so I'm having writer's block.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

598. Notting Hill (1999) D: Roger Mitchell

Watching bumbling idiot Hugh Grant (I don't know why Grace would do him. Its a complete mystery to me. Girls are so wierd!) foppishly mishandle Julia "I look like the Alien from "Alien" when I smile" Roberts just depresses me. There are romantic comedies that I like, but this is not it.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

597. Blue Streak (1999) D: Les Mayfield

Simmz loved this movie so much that he stole it from the video store where I worked. For those of you who know Simmz, his approval of a movie pretty much means nothing. He once said "I liked Schindler's List, but I could've made it better."

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

596. Somewhere in Time (1980) D: Leannot Szwarc

I hope Grace/Claire doesn't see this ranking, because they'll probably de-ball me. Time travel is a sticky issue, though I'd prefer it handled less haphazardly. Willing yourself into the past? Thats just lazy.

Performance to Savor: Jane Seymour
Memorable Moment: None

595. Nothing to Lose (1997) D: Steve Odekerk

Do you think if Martin Luther King Jr. and Martin Lawrence collided, they would annhilate each other in a flash of light and energy?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

594. The Nutty Professor (1996) D: Tom Shadyac

The saddest thing about Eddie Murphy's career is that he has turned into the guy that he used to ridicule. Large portions of his stand-up were predicated on being a sort of anti-Cosby. Now look at him...mindlessly churning out kiddie fare. And bad kiddie fare.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

593. Alien: Resurrection (1997) D: Jean-Pierre Jeunet

When one watches "Amelie" one easily senses the subtle camera work and framing that Jeunet learned while making Alien: Resurrection.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

592. An American Tail (1986) D: Don Bluth

I should probably watch this one again, because I think my emotions are betraying my memory. I remember being petrified during many scenes. Then again, I was four. So'll I'll leave it here, but I'm willing to move it upon further moving. That brings me to an important point about T-Biggs. I am more than willing to shift movies as time moves on. Some movie may prove able to withstand multiple viewings well, which is a positive characteristic. So, the list as I present it today will not be the same list in a year.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

591. How to Make an American Quilt (1995) D: Jocelyn Moorhouse

Grace loves this movie. I'm just gonna move on before I end up sleeping on the couch.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

590. Outside Providence (1999) D: Michael Corrente

Can you believe that this is a movie based on a book by Peter Farrelly? I appreciate his attempt to branch out from standard gross out warfare, but that doesn't mean I have to like this. Shawn Hatosy, who plays the lead, was billed as the "next Tom Cruise". Maybe just because he's short.

Performance to Savor: Alec Baldwin
Memorable Moment: None

589. Go (1999) D: Doug Liman

After Pulp Fiction I really have little patience for movies that attempt to weave multiple story lines together. It seems like every other movie of the mid to late 90s flirted with this tactic, and very few of them got it right. Doug Liman went on to direct "The Bourne Identity".

Performance to Savor: William Fichtner
Memorable Moment: None

588. The Shadow (1994) D: Russell Mulchay

"Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows!" Shit, I guess that means he knows what I'm thinking about doing to Lindsay Lohan with a potato and a tire iron.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

587. Maximum Overdrive (1986) D: Stephen King

King's stories are notoriously bad on the silver screen (except for "Carrie", I know). This could be the worst of 'em. Whaddya expect, he directed, it stars Emilio E., and the original bleak ending is replaced with one of hope. Mystery is important for suspense, and explaining the carnage by "the earth passes through the tail of a comet" is completely lame.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

586. Rumble in the Bronx (1995) D: Stanley Tong

The movie that introduced Jackie Chan to western audiences. Seeing what JC has done with his popularity, I can't say that that's a good thing. Also, the dubbing makes this almost completely unwatchable. And LA subs for the Bronx. Stupid.

Performance to Savor: Jackie Chan
Memorable Moment: None

585. Blank Check (1994) D: Rupert Wainwright

Coulda been fun, but the kid who plays Preston is so goddamn annoying. Maybe I'm just jealous cuz he gets it on with a MILF.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

584. Gone in 60 Seconds (2000) D: Dominic Sena

How much do I hate thee? Let me count the ways: Its a remake (bet ya didn't know that!), Simmz loves it, talent wasted, unoriginal, mindless, and on and on and on. Why do movies starring Nicholas Cage continue to get made? (Except Matchstick Men, of course)

Performance to Savor: Scott Caan
Memorable Moment: None

583. End of Days (1999) D: Peter Hyams

With this and "The 6th Day" Arnold stopped being Arnold. Until this point his movies were cultural points of reference. Defining moments of their respective decades: "Commando", "Predator", the "Terminators"...fuck, even "Junior". But this shit...arg, this shit. Has anyone else noticed that he gets super "American" names, like "Adam", despite his blatant accent? That makes me laugh, but then again, so do abandoned babies.

Performance to Savor: Gabriel Byrne
Memorable Moment: None

582. Stigmata (1999) D: Rupert Wainwright

God, how funny is that? I love when directors direct completely different movies...such that there isn't even any way of deciphering their directorial style. Its so obvious in these cases that the financiers picked the project, than the director, rather than a director lobbying to get a movie made. I mean...this guy makes "Blank Check" and "Stigmata"? How is this possible? I just used the word "director" way too much.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

581. Picture Perfect (1997) D: Glenn Gordon Caron

Refer to the "Friends" rule.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

580. Little Monsters (1989) D: Richard Greenberg

A classic example of T-Biggs flexibility. When I first saw this, I loved it. My interest in it, however, began to wane over time. Now, its barely watchable. What does this mean? Just because a movie is rated well now, doesn't garauntee it good ratings in the future. In fact, check the year of a movie...the older it is, the more stable of a ranking it has.

Performance to Savor: Howie Mandel
Memorable Moment: Drinking piss

579. The Cable Guy (1996) D: Ben Stiller

As a pretentious film critic, I feel obligated to like this film. It first showed glimpses of Jim Carrey's range, its dark, its disturbing. Oh wait. I didn't have fun when I watched it. None of that other shit matters. Of course this "fun" theory doesn't apply to every movie. But it should for a movie starrying Jim Carrey, Matthew Broderick, and directed by Ben Stiller. Right?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

578. The Day After Tomorrow (2004) D: Roland Emmerich

When I was in 4th/5th grade, I would routinely challenge girls to like 1 on 12 basketball games. You know, me against them. Of course I would dominate them, but that wasn't the point. I wanted to show off my skills, but even if I lost, I had a huge excuse, and they wouldn't think I was lame. Basically, this movie is me, and the girls are the movie-going public. I don't think this analogy works.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

577. Shallow Hal (2001) D: The Farrelly Brothers

Another movie trapped by its own logic for the sake of itself. The only way the Farrelly's know how to show true inner beauty is by giving outer beauty, the very quality which is to be ignored in favor of inner beauty, which is depicted by outer beauty, which as we all know goes only skin deep, and its whats on the inside that counts, but for this movie the outside counts/doesn't count, because it depends on whether we're looking at inner ugly beauties or outer ugly good personalities.

I just swallowed my adam's apple.

Performance to Savor: Jason Alexander
Memorable Moment: Tail

576. Rush Hour 2 (2001) D: Brett Ratner

I have a feeling Brett Ratner's kinda like that guy in high school who is nice enough to do your homework for you without charging you for it, because he thinks that'll make up like him. But, in reality, you just see him as an escape, and your relationship becomes abusive.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

575. Can't Hardly Wait (1998) D: Harry Elfont

Shout out to Jake(s) here: Excellent uses of the word blister. Now...this movie is like the hot chick "Fun to poke and show you're friends for a couple days, but quickly clings to your skin and won't go away"

Performance to Savor: Charlie Korsmo
Memorable Moment: None

Have a fun and safe weekend everyone.

624-600

Thanks for the shoutout Matty! 'Preciate it! Here we go! Exclamation Point! ! ! ! !

624. Shark Tale (2004) D: Bibo Bergeron

A perfect example of why Pixar has been wildly successful in the animation business. You see, Pixar makes a concerted effort to revolve their spectacular animations around compelling and funny stories. This philosophy works. Look at the voice talent of Shark Tale: Jack Black, Will Smith, Martin Scorsese, Robert De Niro, Renee Zellweger...no recent movie has had that quality of a cast, much less an animated. Combined with the unbelievable computer graphics, this movie had "hit" written all over it. Of course, this is non-Pixar and is thus not subject to strict "good story-telling" guidlines. Despite the money it made, it came up short of its cousins for one simple reason: IT WASN'T WELL WRITTEN!

A direct comparison to "Finding Nemo": FN was successful because it presented fish who could speak, but they were still fish. It was funny to see fish behave within their limitations, and in spite of them. Shark Tale was just awkward because it anthropomorphized the little fishies too much. TV's, Horse races, condos...c'mon.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

623. Beethoven (1992) D: Brian Levant

I have a feeling those with bouts of nostalgia will decry this ranking, but shit...go back and watch it now. Charles Grodin is boner of a comedic actor...and I don't respond well to animal v. human humor.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

622. Sister Act (1992) D: Emile Ardolino

What can I say? I hate Whoopi Goldberg.

Harvey Keitel is in this movie. Harvey Keitel. That's Mr. White to you QT-philes.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

INSERT: French Kiss (1995) D: Lawrence Kasdan

What the fuck? Lawrence Kasdan wrote "The Empire Strikes Back" and "The Raiders of the Lost Ark"...what the fuck?

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None


621. Nick of Time (1995) D: John Badham

Johnny Depp's least nuanced performance. Strictly one note thriller drags and drags and drags. Resorts to "it was a dream" cop-out (don't worry, that wasn't a spoiler. Watching the damn movie will do more harm to your psyche), and Christopher Walken plays a caricature of himself.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

620. Coneheads (1993) D: Steve Barron

Another example in SNL's long history of miscarriages.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

619. Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993) D: Jim Abrahams

Charlie Sheen's charm fades fast with this mindless regurgitation. Harley can't stop mugging, winnking at the audience, and speaking softly. Understand the reason for the sequel...money. Hmph, that didn't even work as this was a bomb.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

618. How to Be a Player (1997) D: Lionel C. Martin

I'm no idiot. I understand the wide spread appeal of the movie. Young men enjoy watching others do what they never could: successfully maintain a bevy of purely sexual relationships with hordes of beautiful women. Yeah, that's fun to watch...but what else do you remember about this movie? Its pure teflon, you can't stick anything to it, and it doesn't stick to you. I personally don't appreciate forgetability.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

617. Van Wilder (2002) D: Walt Becker

Again, this movie is marketed towards the wish-fulfillment of young men. And frankly, there are some decent gags here. Unfortunately, the rest fall mostly flat. Also, there's Tara Reid...who's definitely an evil step-sister. Can't stand that bitch.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: Kal Penn

616. Cruel Intentions (1999) D: Roger Kumble

Looks like I've got a string of movies that could easily fall under the general heading "wish fulfillment". Obviously deflowering a virginal Reese Witherspoon has caused more than one pre-pubescent male to fire a nut-rocket into their drawers, but that's all this movie ultimately amount to: cinematic jerk-off.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

615. Scream 3 (2000) D: Wes Craven

The first "Scream" worked because of its hip referentialism. By this point, however, the original was part of the lore it was trying to reference. A movie divided against itself cannot stand.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

614. The Whole Nine Yards (2000) D: Jonathan Lynn

Chandadler Bong discovers there's a mobster next door played by John McClaine. Let's move on.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

613. Identity (2003) D: James Mangold

SPOILER COMING: Clearly the whole "it was just a dream" ending is trite beyond comaparison. Fortunately, modern psychology has given us a similar easy-exit...the "it was all a all a schizophrenic episode". Even better.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

612. Ladybugs (1992) D: Sidney J. Furie

Sorry girls born between 1975 and 1985, but Jonathan Brandis is annoying, tiny, and probably has a vagina.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

611. Anger Management (2003) D: Peter Segal

I went to the bathroom between writing the last blurb and this one.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

610. Orange County (2002) D: Jake Kasdan

Jack Black begins to scratch the surface of his considerable charisma. Colin Hanks cashes in on some nepotistic favors. Catherine O'Hears drinks for 4 months straight. John Lithgow doesn't play an alien. What went wrong?

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

609. She's All That (1999) D: Robert Iscove

There's not much that I can say about this that I haven't said about Freddie already. I would comment on the obvious hotness of the "nerd" girl, but, who hasn't? Lets see...the guy that Freddie makes the bet with went on to star in "When Harry Met Lloyd". I'm reaching here.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

608. Patch Adams (1998) D: Tom Shadyac

This movie was reviled by critics, and there is probably more than one of you that would have this lower, but I guess I'm just a sucker for Robin Williams. I think he is a likable person and actor, whether he's wearing his drama-beard or not. This is probably the worst of his movies, in which case he's doing better than most of Hollywood.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

607. Anaconda (1997) D: Luis Llosa

Brainless and ludicrous, whose horrible plot is out-distanced only by its moldy FX.

Memorable Moment: Inside the snake
Performance to Savor: None

606. Starship Troopers (1997) D: Stephen Hopkins

Watching this is like spanking it when there's someone in the next room. It kinda feels good, but you know that you'd just be mortified if someone walked in. Therefore, you can't quite enjoy it. And, when its over, you've got this mess all over yourself, and you have to go into the bathroom without anyone seeing you, so you regret the fact that you didn't just bring a kleenex in before you started.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

605. Lost in Space (1998) D: Stephen Hopkins

What did I say about Friends in the movies? When will you learn to trust me?

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

604. Brokedown Palace (1999) D: Jonathan Kaplan

This movie suffers mostly from the fact that it asks us to believe that Bill Pullman can speak Thai. Other than that its inflated and flamboyant without any meat to back it up.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

603. Urban Legend (1998) D: Jamie Blanks

This movie provided me with one of the coolest opening sequences of the 90s. Seriously, I thought I was in for a real treat. Little did I know that it also provided me with the insane desire to cover myself in honey and dry hump an ant hill.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

602. I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) D: Jim Gillespie

I know what you didn't do. Make a movie that I could easily distinguish from the glut of other sperm-wads which proport to scare me, but mostly just make me wanna follow Thelma and Louise into a canyon.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

601. Free Willy (1993) D: Simon Wincer

Cheap sentimentalism with a trite message disguised in Marine Biology. Seriously, are ther that many loser dork kids whose only friends are animals? Really? Fuck, by 'em a Playstation.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

600. Surviving the Game (1994) D: Ernest R. Dickerson

I've been trying to come up with an insult involving the word "blister", because I think it has a lot of potential. But, its the end of the day, and I'm kind of brain dead. So, help me out...I need an insult using "blister". Like..."You are a blister." That was bad. See?

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

649-625

649. The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996) D: Renny Harlin

An important film, simply because it advanced Sam Jackson's career as an action hero/leading man. Other than that, this combination of "Hook" and "The Bourne Identity" (which is strange, because that movie hadn't been released yet) loses much of its focus in Harlin's mindless direction. Which isn't all that suprising.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

648. The Hulk (2003) D: Ang Lee

I can't decide if I would've liked this more or less if I had read the comic. On the one hand, if I would've been super annoyed by the combination of villains into the Father figure, however, I might have been more appreciative of the lore and back-story. I guess we'll never know. Matty? Whatever, Sam Elliot was good, and the scene filmed at Arches National Park was enjoyable for the simple reason that I've been there. Loud and dumb.

Performance to Savor: Sam Elliot
Memorable Moment: Arches

647. Serendipity (2001) D: Peter Chelsom

I don't believe in coincidences. For every time that you "remarkably" meet up with some one, there has to be a hundred times when you "remarkably" don't. Obviously your brain will only record and track the events that do occur, and thus coincidence is seen as remarkable. To an omniscient alien observer, we're just rats in a maze, and that we even interact at all ought be seen as the miracle.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None


646. John Carpenter's Vampires (1998) D: John Carpenter

Jon Bon Jovi can act? Really? Everyone praises him for his acting ability, but really, they're just praising his ability relative to the predictably disasterous result of musicians-turned-screen-starlets.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

645. Miss Congeniality (2000) D: Donald Petrie

Miss Con-genitals.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

644. The Truth About Cats and Dogs (1996) D: Michael Lehmann

Honestly, does the retelling of classic tales in modern settings ever work? Lemme think. No. Especially this medical mishap of "Anna Karenina" transplanted to sunny Southern California. Bleak, oppressive, Russian poverty....lets get Uma Thurman!

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

643. Mission to Mars (2000) D: Brian De Palma

Only saw this because it was a "screener" at the video store. Abysmal, with a poorly executed, but intriguing, ending.


Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

642. 6 Days, 7 Nights (1998) D: Ivan Reitman

Stars David Schwimmer as Anne Heche's boyfriend. I'm going to drain all of the blood from my brain now.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

641. The Fog (1980) D: John Carpenter

Grace and I rented this one night when we were looking for a scary movie. It just wasn't scary at all. I thought at first that I was desensitized by the decade in which I was raised, and that in order to be truly scary, a movie must be shocking as well. Not true. I just don't think this movie works...its pacing is off. Anyway, I know that this flick influenced future horror movies, but that doesn't make it inherently good. Shit, Pol Pot influenced the intellectual class.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

640. The Juror (1996) D: Brian Gibson

Boring.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

639. Home Alone 3 (1997) D: Raja Gosnell

The first was a classic. The second was a festering turd in the toilet after the first at too much Paella. The third, well....

Another thing, why aren't bumbling burglers sent to the front lines of all of our pointless wars? They don't feel pain! You can do anything too 'em, and they'll keep comin'.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

638. Blue Lagoon (1980) D: Randal Kleiser

I guess I'm not tapped into cult movements to know if "Blue Lagoon" qualifies for "cult classic" status. Lets just say I wouldn't be suprised if it did. Brooke Shields walks around an island half naked for 2 hours. Great idea for cinemax. Horrible idea for a movie.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

637. John Q. (2002) D: Nick Cassavetes

Just so you know, Nick Cassavetes is the bald villain from Face/Off. There ya go. Anyway, this movie is destroyed by its own logic. Essentially, it argues that hospitals are evil for charging insane amounts of money for necessary medical procedures, and that insurance companies are equally criminal for their policies and loopholes, etc...Maybe so. We definitely need some health care reform in this country. But how is it ok for John Q.'s son to get a heart over any other kid? It essentially creates a class system based on sentimentalism.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

636. The Bridges of Madison County (1995) D: Clint Eastwood

Lumbering and pretentious. Clint can use his natural magnetism for good or evil, and this is a classic example of...evil.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

635. The Mighty Ducks 2 (1994) D: Sam Weisman

I guess if this movie was released as the first of the trilogy, it would be ranked higher. Its got a creepy and intimidating villain, an unlikely, though uplifting, storyline, and a plot dripping in cheese. Alas...this is mostly just a paper cut on your eyeball.

Performance to Savor: Carsten Norgaard
Memorable Moment: None

*Thus ends the one star movies. Now begins the 1 and a half star films*

634. Coyote Ugly (2000) D: David McNally

Hmm...I wonder where Coyote Ugly picked up a half a star over Mighty Ducks 2...plot? Character development? Art Direction? Cinematography?

I don't get it.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

633. The 6th Day (2000) D: Roger Spottiswoode

Anybody else know that Arnold Schwarzenegger graduated from University of Wisconsin-Superior? Isn't that hilarious? Can you see Arnie stumping around Duluth? Why am I the only one who is laughing?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

632. Dude, Where's My Car (2000) D: Danny Leiner

Frankly, I'm somewhat shocked that this is as high as it us...other than that: pureed bee salad.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

631. Dr. T and the Women (2000) D: Robert Altman

I feel like its kind of the cool thing to do to like this movie. It was so critically panned, yet not comletely without merit, that would-be film critics claim to appreciate it. No! You are so wrong! Its over long and ambitious, and most fluff. I mean, what the fuck is up with that ending? Redemption? Um, no.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

630. Double Jeopardy (1999) D: Bruce Beresford

Ashley Judd makes but one kind of movie: Strong woman, in some sorts of trouble, trials, tribulations, blah, blah, blah, huge salvation. Puke.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

629. The Client (1994) D: Joel Schumacher

Read the book.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

628. Grumpy Old Men (1993) D: Donald Petrie

Recognize the director? He did Miss Congeniality as well. Is this man happy with his life? What did he dream of doing with his life when he was young? Where did he grow up? I'm an idiot.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

627. Bats (1999) D: Louis Morneau

I saw a preview for this movie when I went to see "Stir of Echoes" on the only official "date" I've ever been on. This chick, Lacey, asked me on a date, and I was like...um, ok. So, we go to Bend which is an hour away, to the nearest theatre. An hour drive on a first date feels like forEVER. Shit. Anyway, after the preview, she's like, "That looks good." Well, long story short....I didn't have a girlfriend coming to college.

(Good thing for you Grace!)

626. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II (1991) D: Michael Pressman

I've already used up all my jokes about pointless sequels.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

625. The Craft (1996) D: Andrew Fleming

Cinematic feculance.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None