549-525

I'm somewhat running out of things to say about bad movies. Thankfully, we're approaching the end of the one and a half star movies, and we'll get to the two star movies today. That should bring a bit of a change. But, on a four-star scale, two-star movies are still just average. Oh well...

549. The Fast and the Furious (2001) D: Rob Cohen

Basically a terrestrial version of "Point Break", though production value and special effects make this (unoriginal) remake a bit more enjoyable. Of course, this is one of Simmz' favorites, and we all know what that means.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

548. Romeo Must Die (2000) D: Andrzej Barkowiak

How soon after the death of a lead is it acceptable to completely rip them? For example, Cary Grant died twenty years ago, and no one would be offended if I tore him a second sphincter. Woah. Anyway, Aaliyah died only 3 years ago, so would it be ok if I discussed how awful she is in this? I dunno, I think its alright, and I don't think we should tip toe around anyone's performance if they've recently died. But that's just me... and not many people like me.

Performance to Savor: Delroy Lindo
Memorable Moment: None

547. The Sum of All Fears (2002) D: Phil Alden Robinson

People who haven't read the book would likely have it ranked much higher. The changes made, however, are agregious and unforgivable, and it completely detracted from my enjoyment of the movie. Jack Ryan is now young? Played by Ben Ass-lick? Wait...the terrorists are now Germans? I can't remember any more right now.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

546. You've Got Mail (1998) D: Nora Ephron

These are the type of Tom Hanks performances that exist only for their mainstream appeal. Sure, he's a great actor, but hell, anyone could play these roles. Fuck, alot of actors could've played Forrest Gump as well. He shows much more depth in "Castaway" and "Philadelphia". Anyway, the adorable Meg Ryan prevented me commiting self-fallicide.

Performance to Savor: Meg Ryan
Memorable Moment: None

545. The Haunting (1999) D: Jan De Bont

The house is haunted by the ghost of a former owner. Hope I didn't spoil anything for anyone.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

544. Bowfinger (1999) D: Frank Oz

I will say this: I like it when Steve Martin plays these characters. Sleazy, underhanded, uber-flawed...lesson never learned. He did it to perfection in "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" and he's in fine-form here. But, I just don't buy Eddie Murphy as a dork. Would anyone mind if Eddie Murphy was killed in 1996?

Performance to Savor: Steve Martin
Memorable Moment: None

543. The Mummy Returns (2001) D: Stephen Sommers

At ILM (Industrial Light and Magic) they have a scale which describes the amount of CG work required for a particular scene. The ranking for "Computers Completely Explode" comes directly before "What Stephen Sommers Wants". Nice reputation, guy.

Performance to Savor: Arnold Vosloo
Memorable Moment: None

542. Event Horizon (1997) D: Paul W.S. Anderson

I was determined to like this movie because it starred Sam Neill (and I love Jurassic Park), and its about space/physics/science/etc. So, I saw it with a friend and his dad, and afterward, my friend kept asking me to explain what the fuck just happened. I hemmed, I hawed, but ultimately, I had no idea. There was no goddam reason given for anything to happen like it did. Why? Oh why?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

541. Vertical Limit (2000) D: Martin Campbell

I really liked the opening sequence. I didn't see the closing sequence because we ran out of the theater before the movie ended to catch a bus.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Mesa death

540. The Addams Family (1991) D: Barry Sonnenfeld

Barry Sonnenfeld's first major motion picture, and....this is going nowhere.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

539. Play It To the Bone (1991) D: Ron Shelton

Ranked this high because it features Lucy Liu as a badass sexpot with a 'tude. Ranked this low because of everything else.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

538. Dangerous Minds (1995) D: John N. Smith

One of the best of the "Teacher Transforms Heretofore Unreachable Students Who, For A Variety Of Reasons, Including Racism, Poverty, Drugs, Teen Pregnancy, and Violence, Are Unable To Get A Fair Shake At Life" genre. Although, Michelle Phieffer is a bit too waifish for me to believe she is an ex-marine. Classic song.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

537. Father of the Bride (1991) D: Charles Shyer

The characters I don't like seeing Steve Martin play. Family men. Goofy. Although, a solid script and supporting cast keep this on life support.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

536. Stakeout (1987) D: John Badham

The only thing I remember about this movie is that at some point, Emilio Estevez sported a mustache. And that's gotta count for something.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

535. 10 Things I Hate About You (1999) D: Gil Junger

Now this is a teen dramedy I can get on bored with. Like its kin, however, it falls prey to certain stereotypes which ultimately hinder its creativity. But, this one manages to work within those generalizations rather than be neutered by them.

Performance to Savor: Heath Ledger
Memorable Moment: None

534. Dirty Work (1998) D: Bob Saget

The very best of the one and a half star movies. Norm McDonald was pretty much lobbed this one, and instead of hitting it out of the park, he didn't even swing. His comedy just can't support a feature length film, though I give props to Saget for the whole "sucking cock" line. That was awesome.

Performance to Savor: Bob Saget
Memorable Moment: None

533. Bean (1997) D: Mel Smith

Ahh...the mediocre movies. The two stars. This it where it begins. What can I say? I love Rowan Atkinson. I think he's a very gifted physical humorist, though this movie feels a bit stretched.

Performance to Savor: Rowan Atkinson
Memorable Moment: None

532. Brining Out the Dead (1999) D: Martin Scorsese

From a cinematic point of view, this movie is quite an achievement. The use of lighting, editing, and framing go much further in the narration than any dialogue or voice-over could. This film suffers from a combination of excellent direction and acting, but meaningless script.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

531. Stir of Echoes (1999) D: David Koepp

Remember when I said I saw this on my only date? Well, Lacey, the chick I was with, was absolutely horrified with this movie. That put the onus on me to act with extra bravado and machismo. I couldn't fully enjoy the movie, because I (stupidly, I know) spent too much time witholding any emotional information I might subconsciously emit. Dammit Lacey. Lacey Gates. I think she has a kid now, though I'm not sure. (Not mine, duh.)

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

530. Big Daddy (1999) D: Dennis Dugan

The problem is in the plot. Like "John Q." an intriguing premise is mostly ruined by the realization that no satisfying ending can result. The kid is not Sonny's, and they didn't set up Jon Stewart's character to be enough of an ass for me to hope that Sonny fights the system. Contrived Adam Sandler vehicle. Though they all are.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

529. Addams Family Values (1993) D: Barry Sonnenfeld

What is it about the Addams Family movies that makes me draw a blank? With other movies, I can usually think of something to say. But for these? Nothing. Maybe I haven't actually seen them?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

528. Die Another Day (2002) D: Lee Tamahori

The same problem afflicts the Bond franchise as the Cruise-produced "Mission: Impossible" series: they've completely disregarded their roots. They've both become loud, noisy, and MTV-y, at the expense of their witty espionage parentage. I hope the next Bond movie features a thinking Bond, rather than a brute one. (the movie, not just the actor)

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

527. Hearts in Atlantis (2001) D: Scott Hicks

Grace and I saw this for the sole reason of watching Anthony Hopkins act. He let us down. And check it out, this was based on a Stephen King story, increasing the number of failed King-to-Screen projects.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

526. 8MM (1999) D: Joel Schumacher

This is what happens when Mr. Hollywood gets Ms. Not-Your-Average-Movie pregnant and then abandons the baby.

Performance to Savor: Joaquin Phoenix
Memorable Moment: None

525. Sphere (1998) D: Barry Levinson

Why am I so big? I am very active, I lift and run. I eat balanced meals. I know my parents are big, but so are Bam Margera's (very big) and he's quite thin. Its very frustrating, and I'm tired of it.

Sorry.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None