574-550

How was everyone's weekend? I didn't really do much...oh wait, yes I did! I totally had an awesome productive weekend, full of bank trips and pool. Well, off we go again, beginning another week of work, and another week of blurbing mediocre to bad movies.

574. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1993) D: Stephen Sommers

I love it when I discover old movies directed by people who are currently popular for other projects. Mr. Sommers for example, is (relatively) famous for The Mummy movies as well as "Van Helsing". I guess we can't expect much more from a graduate of St. John's (that's right, the one in Collegeville).

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

573. subUrbia (1996) D: Richard Linklater

I have a couple people in mind who might disown me for this ranking. I just never really got into the whole "slacker, indie, entire-story-in-one-night" movie.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

572. Scream 2 (1997) D: Wes Craven

I'm sick of racking my brain for some clever comment about 90s horror flicks. So, I'll just tell a joke instead.


Q: What do you get when you cross a tsetse fly and a mountain climber?

A: Nothing, you can't cross a vector and a scalar.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

571. 2 Days in the Valley (1996) D: John Herzfeld

When the only thing that you can remember about a movie is Eric Stoltz's boner, you ask yourself..."Um, why are you ruminating about boners?"

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

570. Planet of the Apes (2001) D: Tim Burton

Tim Burton has crafted some marvelous works of art, so I forgive him for this celluloid sewage. Everyone talks about the end as if it is so intriguing, that the entire movie is justified by it. My position is that Burton couldn't think of a suitable end, so he just tacked one on that he knew people would talk about. Regrettably, he didn't bother proofing it for soundness or any level of feasability. If you think about it (even factor in levels of time travel if you want)...the ending just doesn't make any sense at all. That's the worst part about this flick, the sheer laziness.

Performance to Savor: Paul Giamatti

Memorable Moment: None

569. Small Time Crooks (2000) D: Woody Allen

Neurotic, ridiculous, crappy. Basically, a decently clever for a movie, but completely bogged down by expectations for an Allen movie. Can't fault him for being good in the past, but I can for this piece of solid belch.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

568. Entrapment (1999) D: Jon Amiel

I stumbled upon Entrapment this weekend as I was mindlessly flipping channels. I moved on and ended up watching an eye surgery on Discovery. Much less painful.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

567. The Vanishing (1993) D: George Sluizer

Watching this is like going on a road trip with some friends, and staying at a horrible hotel. Its like, you're pumped at the overall situation, but the details just completely drive you insane.

Performance to Savor: Jeff Bridges
Memorable Moment: None

566. Absolute Power (1997) D: Clint Eastwood

The hallmark movie of Eastwood's post-"Unforgiven" slump.

Performance to Savor: Gene Hackman

Memorable Moment: None

565. Sleepless in Seattle (1993) D: Nora Ephron

I probably should like this movie more, but the circumstances around its viewing taint its memory. My mom offered to take me shopping for clothes at the mall, and we could also get some lunch and see a movie. I was pumped because of course, I love movies. This was the only thing playing. What the hell is an 11-year-old male with his mom to do? Get scarred for life, that's what.

Performance to Savor: Meg Ryan

Memorable Moment: None

564. The Devil's Advocate (1997) D: Taylor Hackford

The ending of a movie is my favorite part. I feel that a bad movie can be saved by a good ending ("Saw") or a good movie can be ruined by a bad one (this). Excellent premise, exciting execution, sinister villain, and actually, a decent performance by Keanu Reeves (all you have to do to get a good performance out of him is set up a character that must be confused and awe-struck throughout the flick, with a dose of physicality thrown in. Which is why "The Matrix" was perfect for him). Of course *SPOILERS COMING* they have to ruin it with the "It was all a dream" bullshit. Bullshit. Ever wonder how that became a curse word? Why bulls? Why not scorpions? Do scorpions shit?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

563. Deep Blue Sea (1999) D: Renny Harlin

Jurassic Park in the ocean. Seriously, exactly the same movie. A storm comes and knocks out security, and the scientists and assorted experts are left to face death at the hands (fins) of their own creations. Bleh.

Performance to Savor: Thomas Jane
Memorable Moment: Samuel L. Jackson is eaten

562. Seabiscuit (2003) D: Gary Ross

Everyone loved this movie, and I can see why. Its inspiring. Its beautifully shot. Its well acted. Why then is it the lowest oscar-nominee on my list? There was no conflict. Yeah, you might tell me that the guy's kid dying is conflict, or that the horse being too small is conflict, or that the other guys way of life being eradicated is conflict, or that Red's entire life was full of conflict, or that his broken leg was conflict, or that....hell, there was conflict. Just none that I cared about.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

561. Head of State (2003) D: Chris Rock

As far as Chris Rock vehicles go, this one has some of the better excuses for his standup. He playes a presidential hopeful, so he has cause to continuously be speaking to a giant group of people. Unfortunately, a loosely strung together collection of sketches and monologues does not a good movie make.

Performance to Savor: Bernie Mac
Memorable Moment: None

560. Something's Gotta Give (2003) D: Nancy Myers

The fact that no man has married Diane Keaton proves the inferiority of the male-persuasion. She's the only thing about this movie which doesn't make me shit concrete.

Performance to Savor: Diane Keaton
Memorable Moment: None

559. Boiler Room (2000) D: Ben Younger

Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

558. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989) D: Stephen Herek

I don't hate Keanu Reeves as much as everyone else does. But, this movie is low because it basically burned an image of him as doofus surfer into the collective mind of movie-goers everywhere. For that, I resent it, because I feel that he has a natural charisma, tainted by Stephen Herek.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

557. 13 Conversations About 1 Thing (2001) D: Jill Sprecher

Maybe one of my next lists will be "Sure signs that Alex is probably not going to like a movie". Naturally, "Attempts to tell a tale of multiple intersecting story lines, with sharp dialogue and pretentious relationships, and is not Pulp Fiction" will be towards the top. I feel like I'm repeating myself. Fuck it, Hollywood is one massive repitition.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

556. Mr. Destiny (1990) D: James Orr

This is kinda fun to watch because Linda Hamilton plays feminine non-bad ass. Although by fun, I mean "entirely boring, and it'll make you just with you were watching Sarah Connor do pullups in an insane asylum."

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

555. Volcano (1997) D: Mick Jackson

So, is Anne Heche a lesbian or not? Obviously it doesn't matter, but I just want some closure on her sexuality. She's like the Jason Kidd of actresses. I think maybe only E and Jake(s) will understand that one.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Jumping off the subway into the lava

554. Dick Tracy (1990) D: Warren Beatty

I got nothing.

Performance to Savor: Al Pacino
Memorable Moment: None

553. The General's Daughter (1999) D: Simon West

John Travolta completely overacts. Wow, that's kinda like saying "Fish like to swim" or "Alex is currently hungry" or "E-town is not wearing pajamas" or "(insert arbitrary Blazer) is suspended for conduct detrimental to the team".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

552. S.W.A.T. (2003) D: Clark Johnson

Saw this in Hungary. By myself. Yeah, great idea Alex. I think I was avoiding some homework at the time. Sam Jackson's character is actually named "Hondo". You can't make this stuff up. And the rogue SWAT guy looks like Frodo Baggins on steroids.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

551. Flatliners (1990) D: Joel Schumacher

An unbelievable idea for a movie. So much promise...wasted. Great cast....wasted. The reviewer on imdb.com has no idea what they're talking about. They call it a "gem" and "original". Um, no. Idea = original. Everything else = hackneyed.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

550. Panic Room (2002) D: David Fincher

The bad guy is white, and he has corn rows. Yeah, I know.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None