599-575

Well...we've gotten in to the 500's. For those of you still reading, the movies are getting steadily better, although so far its probably more accurate to say "steadily less worse". Right.

599. Blast from the Past (1999) D: Hugh Wilson

This is my first blurb of the day, so I'm having writer's block.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

598. Notting Hill (1999) D: Roger Mitchell

Watching bumbling idiot Hugh Grant (I don't know why Grace would do him. Its a complete mystery to me. Girls are so wierd!) foppishly mishandle Julia "I look like the Alien from "Alien" when I smile" Roberts just depresses me. There are romantic comedies that I like, but this is not it.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

597. Blue Streak (1999) D: Les Mayfield

Simmz loved this movie so much that he stole it from the video store where I worked. For those of you who know Simmz, his approval of a movie pretty much means nothing. He once said "I liked Schindler's List, but I could've made it better."

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

596. Somewhere in Time (1980) D: Leannot Szwarc

I hope Grace/Claire doesn't see this ranking, because they'll probably de-ball me. Time travel is a sticky issue, though I'd prefer it handled less haphazardly. Willing yourself into the past? Thats just lazy.

Performance to Savor: Jane Seymour
Memorable Moment: None

595. Nothing to Lose (1997) D: Steve Odekerk

Do you think if Martin Luther King Jr. and Martin Lawrence collided, they would annhilate each other in a flash of light and energy?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

594. The Nutty Professor (1996) D: Tom Shadyac

The saddest thing about Eddie Murphy's career is that he has turned into the guy that he used to ridicule. Large portions of his stand-up were predicated on being a sort of anti-Cosby. Now look at him...mindlessly churning out kiddie fare. And bad kiddie fare.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

593. Alien: Resurrection (1997) D: Jean-Pierre Jeunet

When one watches "Amelie" one easily senses the subtle camera work and framing that Jeunet learned while making Alien: Resurrection.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

592. An American Tail (1986) D: Don Bluth

I should probably watch this one again, because I think my emotions are betraying my memory. I remember being petrified during many scenes. Then again, I was four. So'll I'll leave it here, but I'm willing to move it upon further moving. That brings me to an important point about T-Biggs. I am more than willing to shift movies as time moves on. Some movie may prove able to withstand multiple viewings well, which is a positive characteristic. So, the list as I present it today will not be the same list in a year.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

591. How to Make an American Quilt (1995) D: Jocelyn Moorhouse

Grace loves this movie. I'm just gonna move on before I end up sleeping on the couch.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

590. Outside Providence (1999) D: Michael Corrente

Can you believe that this is a movie based on a book by Peter Farrelly? I appreciate his attempt to branch out from standard gross out warfare, but that doesn't mean I have to like this. Shawn Hatosy, who plays the lead, was billed as the "next Tom Cruise". Maybe just because he's short.

Performance to Savor: Alec Baldwin
Memorable Moment: None

589. Go (1999) D: Doug Liman

After Pulp Fiction I really have little patience for movies that attempt to weave multiple story lines together. It seems like every other movie of the mid to late 90s flirted with this tactic, and very few of them got it right. Doug Liman went on to direct "The Bourne Identity".

Performance to Savor: William Fichtner
Memorable Moment: None

588. The Shadow (1994) D: Russell Mulchay

"Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows!" Shit, I guess that means he knows what I'm thinking about doing to Lindsay Lohan with a potato and a tire iron.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

587. Maximum Overdrive (1986) D: Stephen King

King's stories are notoriously bad on the silver screen (except for "Carrie", I know). This could be the worst of 'em. Whaddya expect, he directed, it stars Emilio E., and the original bleak ending is replaced with one of hope. Mystery is important for suspense, and explaining the carnage by "the earth passes through the tail of a comet" is completely lame.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

586. Rumble in the Bronx (1995) D: Stanley Tong

The movie that introduced Jackie Chan to western audiences. Seeing what JC has done with his popularity, I can't say that that's a good thing. Also, the dubbing makes this almost completely unwatchable. And LA subs for the Bronx. Stupid.

Performance to Savor: Jackie Chan
Memorable Moment: None

585. Blank Check (1994) D: Rupert Wainwright

Coulda been fun, but the kid who plays Preston is so goddamn annoying. Maybe I'm just jealous cuz he gets it on with a MILF.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

584. Gone in 60 Seconds (2000) D: Dominic Sena

How much do I hate thee? Let me count the ways: Its a remake (bet ya didn't know that!), Simmz loves it, talent wasted, unoriginal, mindless, and on and on and on. Why do movies starring Nicholas Cage continue to get made? (Except Matchstick Men, of course)

Performance to Savor: Scott Caan
Memorable Moment: None

583. End of Days (1999) D: Peter Hyams

With this and "The 6th Day" Arnold stopped being Arnold. Until this point his movies were cultural points of reference. Defining moments of their respective decades: "Commando", "Predator", the "Terminators"...fuck, even "Junior". But this shit...arg, this shit. Has anyone else noticed that he gets super "American" names, like "Adam", despite his blatant accent? That makes me laugh, but then again, so do abandoned babies.

Performance to Savor: Gabriel Byrne
Memorable Moment: None

582. Stigmata (1999) D: Rupert Wainwright

God, how funny is that? I love when directors direct completely different movies...such that there isn't even any way of deciphering their directorial style. Its so obvious in these cases that the financiers picked the project, than the director, rather than a director lobbying to get a movie made. I mean...this guy makes "Blank Check" and "Stigmata"? How is this possible? I just used the word "director" way too much.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

581. Picture Perfect (1997) D: Glenn Gordon Caron

Refer to the "Friends" rule.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

580. Little Monsters (1989) D: Richard Greenberg

A classic example of T-Biggs flexibility. When I first saw this, I loved it. My interest in it, however, began to wane over time. Now, its barely watchable. What does this mean? Just because a movie is rated well now, doesn't garauntee it good ratings in the future. In fact, check the year of a movie...the older it is, the more stable of a ranking it has.

Performance to Savor: Howie Mandel
Memorable Moment: Drinking piss

579. The Cable Guy (1996) D: Ben Stiller

As a pretentious film critic, I feel obligated to like this film. It first showed glimpses of Jim Carrey's range, its dark, its disturbing. Oh wait. I didn't have fun when I watched it. None of that other shit matters. Of course this "fun" theory doesn't apply to every movie. But it should for a movie starrying Jim Carrey, Matthew Broderick, and directed by Ben Stiller. Right?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

578. The Day After Tomorrow (2004) D: Roland Emmerich

When I was in 4th/5th grade, I would routinely challenge girls to like 1 on 12 basketball games. You know, me against them. Of course I would dominate them, but that wasn't the point. I wanted to show off my skills, but even if I lost, I had a huge excuse, and they wouldn't think I was lame. Basically, this movie is me, and the girls are the movie-going public. I don't think this analogy works.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

577. Shallow Hal (2001) D: The Farrelly Brothers

Another movie trapped by its own logic for the sake of itself. The only way the Farrelly's know how to show true inner beauty is by giving outer beauty, the very quality which is to be ignored in favor of inner beauty, which is depicted by outer beauty, which as we all know goes only skin deep, and its whats on the inside that counts, but for this movie the outside counts/doesn't count, because it depends on whether we're looking at inner ugly beauties or outer ugly good personalities.

I just swallowed my adam's apple.

Performance to Savor: Jason Alexander
Memorable Moment: Tail

576. Rush Hour 2 (2001) D: Brett Ratner

I have a feeling Brett Ratner's kinda like that guy in high school who is nice enough to do your homework for you without charging you for it, because he thinks that'll make up like him. But, in reality, you just see him as an escape, and your relationship becomes abusive.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

575. Can't Hardly Wait (1998) D: Harry Elfont

Shout out to Jake(s) here: Excellent uses of the word blister. Now...this movie is like the hot chick "Fun to poke and show you're friends for a couple days, but quickly clings to your skin and won't go away"

Performance to Savor: Charlie Korsmo
Memorable Moment: None

Have a fun and safe weekend everyone.