624-600

Thanks for the shoutout Matty! 'Preciate it! Here we go! Exclamation Point! ! ! ! !

624. Shark Tale (2004) D: Bibo Bergeron

A perfect example of why Pixar has been wildly successful in the animation business. You see, Pixar makes a concerted effort to revolve their spectacular animations around compelling and funny stories. This philosophy works. Look at the voice talent of Shark Tale: Jack Black, Will Smith, Martin Scorsese, Robert De Niro, Renee Zellweger...no recent movie has had that quality of a cast, much less an animated. Combined with the unbelievable computer graphics, this movie had "hit" written all over it. Of course, this is non-Pixar and is thus not subject to strict "good story-telling" guidlines. Despite the money it made, it came up short of its cousins for one simple reason: IT WASN'T WELL WRITTEN!

A direct comparison to "Finding Nemo": FN was successful because it presented fish who could speak, but they were still fish. It was funny to see fish behave within their limitations, and in spite of them. Shark Tale was just awkward because it anthropomorphized the little fishies too much. TV's, Horse races, condos...c'mon.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

623. Beethoven (1992) D: Brian Levant

I have a feeling those with bouts of nostalgia will decry this ranking, but shit...go back and watch it now. Charles Grodin is boner of a comedic actor...and I don't respond well to animal v. human humor.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

622. Sister Act (1992) D: Emile Ardolino

What can I say? I hate Whoopi Goldberg.

Harvey Keitel is in this movie. Harvey Keitel. That's Mr. White to you QT-philes.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

INSERT: French Kiss (1995) D: Lawrence Kasdan

What the fuck? Lawrence Kasdan wrote "The Empire Strikes Back" and "The Raiders of the Lost Ark"...what the fuck?

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None


621. Nick of Time (1995) D: John Badham

Johnny Depp's least nuanced performance. Strictly one note thriller drags and drags and drags. Resorts to "it was a dream" cop-out (don't worry, that wasn't a spoiler. Watching the damn movie will do more harm to your psyche), and Christopher Walken plays a caricature of himself.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

620. Coneheads (1993) D: Steve Barron

Another example in SNL's long history of miscarriages.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

619. Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993) D: Jim Abrahams

Charlie Sheen's charm fades fast with this mindless regurgitation. Harley can't stop mugging, winnking at the audience, and speaking softly. Understand the reason for the sequel...money. Hmph, that didn't even work as this was a bomb.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

618. How to Be a Player (1997) D: Lionel C. Martin

I'm no idiot. I understand the wide spread appeal of the movie. Young men enjoy watching others do what they never could: successfully maintain a bevy of purely sexual relationships with hordes of beautiful women. Yeah, that's fun to watch...but what else do you remember about this movie? Its pure teflon, you can't stick anything to it, and it doesn't stick to you. I personally don't appreciate forgetability.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

617. Van Wilder (2002) D: Walt Becker

Again, this movie is marketed towards the wish-fulfillment of young men. And frankly, there are some decent gags here. Unfortunately, the rest fall mostly flat. Also, there's Tara Reid...who's definitely an evil step-sister. Can't stand that bitch.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: Kal Penn

616. Cruel Intentions (1999) D: Roger Kumble

Looks like I've got a string of movies that could easily fall under the general heading "wish fulfillment". Obviously deflowering a virginal Reese Witherspoon has caused more than one pre-pubescent male to fire a nut-rocket into their drawers, but that's all this movie ultimately amount to: cinematic jerk-off.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

615. Scream 3 (2000) D: Wes Craven

The first "Scream" worked because of its hip referentialism. By this point, however, the original was part of the lore it was trying to reference. A movie divided against itself cannot stand.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

614. The Whole Nine Yards (2000) D: Jonathan Lynn

Chandadler Bong discovers there's a mobster next door played by John McClaine. Let's move on.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

613. Identity (2003) D: James Mangold

SPOILER COMING: Clearly the whole "it was just a dream" ending is trite beyond comaparison. Fortunately, modern psychology has given us a similar easy-exit...the "it was all a all a schizophrenic episode". Even better.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

612. Ladybugs (1992) D: Sidney J. Furie

Sorry girls born between 1975 and 1985, but Jonathan Brandis is annoying, tiny, and probably has a vagina.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

611. Anger Management (2003) D: Peter Segal

I went to the bathroom between writing the last blurb and this one.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

610. Orange County (2002) D: Jake Kasdan

Jack Black begins to scratch the surface of his considerable charisma. Colin Hanks cashes in on some nepotistic favors. Catherine O'Hears drinks for 4 months straight. John Lithgow doesn't play an alien. What went wrong?

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

609. She's All That (1999) D: Robert Iscove

There's not much that I can say about this that I haven't said about Freddie already. I would comment on the obvious hotness of the "nerd" girl, but, who hasn't? Lets see...the guy that Freddie makes the bet with went on to star in "When Harry Met Lloyd". I'm reaching here.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

608. Patch Adams (1998) D: Tom Shadyac

This movie was reviled by critics, and there is probably more than one of you that would have this lower, but I guess I'm just a sucker for Robin Williams. I think he is a likable person and actor, whether he's wearing his drama-beard or not. This is probably the worst of his movies, in which case he's doing better than most of Hollywood.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

607. Anaconda (1997) D: Luis Llosa

Brainless and ludicrous, whose horrible plot is out-distanced only by its moldy FX.

Memorable Moment: Inside the snake
Performance to Savor: None

606. Starship Troopers (1997) D: Stephen Hopkins

Watching this is like spanking it when there's someone in the next room. It kinda feels good, but you know that you'd just be mortified if someone walked in. Therefore, you can't quite enjoy it. And, when its over, you've got this mess all over yourself, and you have to go into the bathroom without anyone seeing you, so you regret the fact that you didn't just bring a kleenex in before you started.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

605. Lost in Space (1998) D: Stephen Hopkins

What did I say about Friends in the movies? When will you learn to trust me?

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

604. Brokedown Palace (1999) D: Jonathan Kaplan

This movie suffers mostly from the fact that it asks us to believe that Bill Pullman can speak Thai. Other than that its inflated and flamboyant without any meat to back it up.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

603. Urban Legend (1998) D: Jamie Blanks

This movie provided me with one of the coolest opening sequences of the 90s. Seriously, I thought I was in for a real treat. Little did I know that it also provided me with the insane desire to cover myself in honey and dry hump an ant hill.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

602. I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) D: Jim Gillespie

I know what you didn't do. Make a movie that I could easily distinguish from the glut of other sperm-wads which proport to scare me, but mostly just make me wanna follow Thelma and Louise into a canyon.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

601. Free Willy (1993) D: Simon Wincer

Cheap sentimentalism with a trite message disguised in Marine Biology. Seriously, are ther that many loser dork kids whose only friends are animals? Really? Fuck, by 'em a Playstation.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

600. Surviving the Game (1994) D: Ernest R. Dickerson

I've been trying to come up with an insult involving the word "blister", because I think it has a lot of potential. But, its the end of the day, and I'm kind of brain dead. So, help me out...I need an insult using "blister". Like..."You are a blister." That was bad. See?

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None