649-625

649. The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996) D: Renny Harlin

An important film, simply because it advanced Sam Jackson's career as an action hero/leading man. Other than that, this combination of "Hook" and "The Bourne Identity" (which is strange, because that movie hadn't been released yet) loses much of its focus in Harlin's mindless direction. Which isn't all that suprising.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

648. The Hulk (2003) D: Ang Lee

I can't decide if I would've liked this more or less if I had read the comic. On the one hand, if I would've been super annoyed by the combination of villains into the Father figure, however, I might have been more appreciative of the lore and back-story. I guess we'll never know. Matty? Whatever, Sam Elliot was good, and the scene filmed at Arches National Park was enjoyable for the simple reason that I've been there. Loud and dumb.

Performance to Savor: Sam Elliot
Memorable Moment: Arches

647. Serendipity (2001) D: Peter Chelsom

I don't believe in coincidences. For every time that you "remarkably" meet up with some one, there has to be a hundred times when you "remarkably" don't. Obviously your brain will only record and track the events that do occur, and thus coincidence is seen as remarkable. To an omniscient alien observer, we're just rats in a maze, and that we even interact at all ought be seen as the miracle.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None


646. John Carpenter's Vampires (1998) D: John Carpenter

Jon Bon Jovi can act? Really? Everyone praises him for his acting ability, but really, they're just praising his ability relative to the predictably disasterous result of musicians-turned-screen-starlets.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

645. Miss Congeniality (2000) D: Donald Petrie

Miss Con-genitals.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

644. The Truth About Cats and Dogs (1996) D: Michael Lehmann

Honestly, does the retelling of classic tales in modern settings ever work? Lemme think. No. Especially this medical mishap of "Anna Karenina" transplanted to sunny Southern California. Bleak, oppressive, Russian poverty....lets get Uma Thurman!

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

643. Mission to Mars (2000) D: Brian De Palma

Only saw this because it was a "screener" at the video store. Abysmal, with a poorly executed, but intriguing, ending.


Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

642. 6 Days, 7 Nights (1998) D: Ivan Reitman

Stars David Schwimmer as Anne Heche's boyfriend. I'm going to drain all of the blood from my brain now.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

641. The Fog (1980) D: John Carpenter

Grace and I rented this one night when we were looking for a scary movie. It just wasn't scary at all. I thought at first that I was desensitized by the decade in which I was raised, and that in order to be truly scary, a movie must be shocking as well. Not true. I just don't think this movie works...its pacing is off. Anyway, I know that this flick influenced future horror movies, but that doesn't make it inherently good. Shit, Pol Pot influenced the intellectual class.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

640. The Juror (1996) D: Brian Gibson

Boring.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

639. Home Alone 3 (1997) D: Raja Gosnell

The first was a classic. The second was a festering turd in the toilet after the first at too much Paella. The third, well....

Another thing, why aren't bumbling burglers sent to the front lines of all of our pointless wars? They don't feel pain! You can do anything too 'em, and they'll keep comin'.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

638. Blue Lagoon (1980) D: Randal Kleiser

I guess I'm not tapped into cult movements to know if "Blue Lagoon" qualifies for "cult classic" status. Lets just say I wouldn't be suprised if it did. Brooke Shields walks around an island half naked for 2 hours. Great idea for cinemax. Horrible idea for a movie.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

637. John Q. (2002) D: Nick Cassavetes

Just so you know, Nick Cassavetes is the bald villain from Face/Off. There ya go. Anyway, this movie is destroyed by its own logic. Essentially, it argues that hospitals are evil for charging insane amounts of money for necessary medical procedures, and that insurance companies are equally criminal for their policies and loopholes, etc...Maybe so. We definitely need some health care reform in this country. But how is it ok for John Q.'s son to get a heart over any other kid? It essentially creates a class system based on sentimentalism.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

636. The Bridges of Madison County (1995) D: Clint Eastwood

Lumbering and pretentious. Clint can use his natural magnetism for good or evil, and this is a classic example of...evil.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

635. The Mighty Ducks 2 (1994) D: Sam Weisman

I guess if this movie was released as the first of the trilogy, it would be ranked higher. Its got a creepy and intimidating villain, an unlikely, though uplifting, storyline, and a plot dripping in cheese. Alas...this is mostly just a paper cut on your eyeball.

Performance to Savor: Carsten Norgaard
Memorable Moment: None

*Thus ends the one star movies. Now begins the 1 and a half star films*

634. Coyote Ugly (2000) D: David McNally

Hmm...I wonder where Coyote Ugly picked up a half a star over Mighty Ducks 2...plot? Character development? Art Direction? Cinematography?

I don't get it.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

633. The 6th Day (2000) D: Roger Spottiswoode

Anybody else know that Arnold Schwarzenegger graduated from University of Wisconsin-Superior? Isn't that hilarious? Can you see Arnie stumping around Duluth? Why am I the only one who is laughing?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

632. Dude, Where's My Car (2000) D: Danny Leiner

Frankly, I'm somewhat shocked that this is as high as it us...other than that: pureed bee salad.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

631. Dr. T and the Women (2000) D: Robert Altman

I feel like its kind of the cool thing to do to like this movie. It was so critically panned, yet not comletely without merit, that would-be film critics claim to appreciate it. No! You are so wrong! Its over long and ambitious, and most fluff. I mean, what the fuck is up with that ending? Redemption? Um, no.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

630. Double Jeopardy (1999) D: Bruce Beresford

Ashley Judd makes but one kind of movie: Strong woman, in some sorts of trouble, trials, tribulations, blah, blah, blah, huge salvation. Puke.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

629. The Client (1994) D: Joel Schumacher

Read the book.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

628. Grumpy Old Men (1993) D: Donald Petrie

Recognize the director? He did Miss Congeniality as well. Is this man happy with his life? What did he dream of doing with his life when he was young? Where did he grow up? I'm an idiot.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

627. Bats (1999) D: Louis Morneau

I saw a preview for this movie when I went to see "Stir of Echoes" on the only official "date" I've ever been on. This chick, Lacey, asked me on a date, and I was like...um, ok. So, we go to Bend which is an hour away, to the nearest theatre. An hour drive on a first date feels like forEVER. Shit. Anyway, after the preview, she's like, "That looks good." Well, long story short....I didn't have a girlfriend coming to college.

(Good thing for you Grace!)

626. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II (1991) D: Michael Pressman

I've already used up all my jokes about pointless sequels.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

625. The Craft (1996) D: Andrew Fleming

Cinematic feculance.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None