Cheap and Fat

Tentative

2007-09-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

I'm tentatively considering beginning to blog regularly again.

But first I want to set the record for longest period between posts. I don't think I'm even close but this is rediculous nonetheless.

I had a pretty "OK" day, and I came to two realizations:

1. When the apocolypse happens, I will be happy. Not for religious reasons, but because I will finally be able to rest.

2. I still don't really know how a FUPA even happens.

Let me know if you get this post, otherwise I will probably set up shop elsewhere.

Goodbye!

The Top Ten

2005-08-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

So, this is what everyone has been waiting for. My Top Ten. My Top Ten Movies Of All Time. Everyone has a top ten list, and though naturally it changes there certainly is a small and flexible list of movies which are always thought of as "the best". Oddly, there's something more powerful about seeing those movie at the top of a list which makes 'em seem even better. Like if Rolling Stone had the top 3 love songs of all time, that'd be interesting. But, those songs would seem even cooler if they were at the top of the top 2000 love songs of all time. Why is this? Probably has something to do with comprehensiveness. The larger the list, the more sure you can be that nothing has been left out, and the rankings are, therefore, all the more accurate.

I have been delaying for awhile.

Before I get started on my Top Ten, let us have a little recap:

795 (last). All Dogs Go To Heaven
700. Drive Me Crazy
600. Rush Hour 2
500. Money Train
400. Twister
300. Closer
200. Superman
100. Pirates of the Caribbean
75. South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut
50. Spider-Man 2
25. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Now, perhaps you are kinda back in "Alex's Movies" mode. Obviously, since its taken me so long to release my list, I've seen and added movies to the list that came in behind where I currently was on the unveiling so....recent additions:

794. Caligula
Would be worst of all time if not for a gimmick.
779. The Forgotten
Oh, my, god.
605. Lost Highway
David Lynch gets on my nerves.
599. Spanglish
Too many interesting characters which didn't go anywhere.
593. The Phantom of the Opera
Lost my remote during this movie...it was in the chair.
519. Space Cowboys
Really, Clint, really?
442. Spy Game
Average.
391. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Grace thought that cast was terrible. I thought they were great. Everything else "blah". Read the book (a trilogy in 5 parts).
380. The Contender
Jeff Bridges plays the best fictional american president ever.
338. Blade Runner
Excellent imagry.
300. Closer
No one got pregnant? STDs?
299. Dazed and Confused
Too much Ben Ass-Lick.
298. Dead Ringers
Jeremy Irons plays twin creepy gynecologists.
286. Wedding Crashers
Love Vince Vaughn. Hate Owen Wilson's nose. Weak second half. Otherwise very funny.
248. School of Rock
Alright, alright. Jack Black is funny.
205. Team America
Watched this with my parents. Guess which scene my dad thought was funniest?
186. War of the Worlds
If you didn't hear from Jake's or Grace's blog...I watched this by myself while Grace caught the bouquet at her friend's wedding.
163. Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events
I love kid's movies.
134. Following
Solid Chris Nolan pic.
119. Star Wars: Episode III
Just 'cuz of The Duel.
106. Batman Begins
I can't even imagine how actual readers of the comic must finally feel.
91. The Motorcycle Diaries
They still had leper colonies that late in to the 60s?
86. Taxi Driver
Would've been higher without tacked on ending.
80. Million Dollar Baby
Didn't expect to really like this one. Wow.
24. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Somehow I forgot this the first time around.

This whole project has taught me alot about my taste in movies. I used to think that I was different and unique, that I liked weirdo movies and independent cinema and that the lemmings around me couldn't do anything but chortle at the crap thrown at them by huge corporate movie houses.

I am a lemming. I tried to be as honest with myself as possible when making these rankings. It was very hard sometimes. As we all know, sometimes, you just can't compare two movies. But, I did the best I could. Guess what I found out? I'm not as independent or special as I thought I would be. Guess what else? I'm ok with that. I like the movies I like, and I dislike the movies I dislike. I don't always have to be different. Sometimes I am, but often my tastes are in line with the mainstream. (Whatever that is.) This whole process has taken awhile. Think: I started making this list last December. That's 9 months from inception to conclusion. Of course its not really done, I will continue adding to this list as long as Xcel is not obsolete. Anyway, thanks for tagging along, thanks for caring, and thanks for sticking with me as the delays started to mount. I hope you like the finale.

I thought I would have a lot to say about these movies: After all, they are my TOP TEN. But, I've put it off, feeling that I wouldn't have anything unique or original to say, and that, frankly, most of the top ten's would be so rated for similar reasons. That being the case, I've devised a little checklist of attributes with which to analyze each movie:

1. Life-Changing: Did the movie alter my thinking? Did I obsess over it? Did I reexamine my movie-preferences based on it?

2. Firsts: Did it do something which I'd never seen before? Was it the "first" of a particular genre that I saw and loved? Was it so steeped in originality that sequels and/or remakes could never compete?

3. Classic: Is it a movie that I've loved for as long as I can remember? Do I not even remember seeing it for the first time, its just always been something I've known?

4. Standout Aspect: Is there one piece of the experience which is so overwhelmingly great that it thrusts the film into revered status?

5. Watchability: Is this movie endlessly watchable despite the absence of any obvious visceral stimulation?

6. Wildcard: You name it.

*Deep Breath* Ok....

10. Star Wars (1977) D: George Lucas

Life-Changing: Actually...not really. I never got into dressing up as characters or anything like that.
Firsts: Nothing to report here either. Sorry.
Classic: Absolutely. Almost the archetypal classic movie. I've never seen this movie for the first time. Its almost as if the story was always in my head. Higher praise for a film, I can not give. This undoubtedly has a lot to do with the quintessential characters Lucas parades on film: The Dark Villain, The Wise Mentor, The Innocent Hero, The Best Friend, The Princess. We can find similar roles fleshed out in various ways in movies since the dawn of ... um, the 19th century, but where Lucas succeeded was taking these common roles and placing them in extremely uncommon situations. Deep Space with aliens, cool weapons, warp speed, etc...Its Shakespeare meets Flash Gordon. Its Dante meets Verne. Its History meets Recess...and that's why it was so popular. It tapped in to our common consciousness of "good stories", but made them really goddamn cool.
Standout Aspect: No, at least not in the same sense as you'll see with others.
Watchability: Star Wars is certainly watchable. I have a Star Wars jones about every other month. Just an uncontrollable urge to watch every single one back-to-back-to-back (and I guess now...to-back-to-back-to-back). BUT....fuck it. No buts. This movie is VERY Watchable.
Wild Card: Darth Vader. Even before the sequels, and the prequels, Darth Vader represented one of the most compelling and mysterious villains of recent cinema (E-town will surely point me to Apocolypse Now). We didn't learn anything about him. Just that he is more machine than man, and that he killed Luke's father. How captivating is that? After that one meeting in Obi-Wan's hut, millions have waited for Episode III. And knowing what you know now about Vader, remember what it was like when all you knew was that he betrayed and killed the Jedi Order. You thirsted for more information. You felt it in your gut, and when a movie invokes that sort of passion...well, you're certain to find it on a Top Ten list somewhere.

Performance to Savor: Alec Guiness
Memorable Moment: Double Sunrise

9. Pi (1998) D: Darren Aronofsky

Life-Changing: Umm...no
Firsts: Schindler's List was the first modern movie I saw in Black and White
Classic: Nope
Standout Aspect: Editing. I know a lot of people are/were (I just can't decide which tense to be in. Deal with it.) put off by his rapid-fire quick-cuts. Endlessly reshowing the similar shots of popped pills and dilating veins are certainly a result of the MTV-era, but also a perfection of it. Aronofsky knows when to let scenes breath, and when to use the medium of quick-cut to invoke a real reaction in the viewer about the psychological disturbances present in our main character
Watchability: Well, its never on TNT, and few people own it, so you'll be hard-pressed to stumble across it. Anyway, no...not that watchable.
Wildcard: Pi. As in the number pi. Y'know, 3.1415927... Circles, circumferences, and all that jazz. This movie is unique to my "revered" movies in that its status is almost all Wildcard. For those of you math-types, you'll understand my amazement at Pi. Its irrational (can't be expressed as a ratio of two integers), transcendental (can't be the root of any polynomial with rational coefficients), and yet it is so simple. I did a project on Pi in college, and encountered a bit of it in my Capstone, and the more you know....the more you want to know. It is a carrot on the end of strings, just out of reach. We are always finding new and exciting uses for Pi, and yet we can never quite capture its essence, its meaning....anything. That's what this movie did so well. It protrayed the power of Pi, as well as the futility of trying to contain it, to control it. Certainly a flawed movie, but it has a special place in my heart.

Performance to Savor: Mark Margolis
Memorable Moment: Powerdrill

8. The Shawshank Redemption (1994) D: Frank Darabont

Life-Changing: Nah, I didn't even see this in the theater. Probably the highest movie on the list which I saw on TV first, then rented the cassette.
Firsts: None here either, though you could argue that this is the first successful adaptation of a Stephen King story into film format.
Classic: No
Standout Aspect: No
Watchability: This is where Shawshank really shines. How could you not watch this movie all day? And yet, the very fact that you can is a testament to the power of not only the story, but the acting and pacing as well. Y'see...not much happens. Everything develops slowly over the course of 25 years. We are given brief glimpses of action and violence, but it is mostly voice-over and Tim Robbins speaking slowly. In many movies, all of this would repel me as considerable pretense, but here...the slowness adds weight to the endlessness of prison. The bulk of time adds considerable depth to the bond between Red and Andy, and while I have no experience, I imagine that prison life is much like the movie: Dull, monotonous days, staccato-punched by violence. Andy's various triumphs are mini-victories throughout the movie, but really, nothing holds a candle to the look on the Warden's face when the rock he throws at Andy's poster hits nothing but air.
Wildcard: Morgan Freeman's voiceover. Truly the one voice in hollywood which will always work as a voiceover. Look at War of the Worlds. Shouldn'tve worked. Did. His voice is so soft, yet tinged with wear and tear. Its like he is unimaginably sad, but he's holding his head high, and getting about his business.

Performance to Savor: Clancy Brown
Memorable Moment: Andy gets "suds" for the guys

7. The Silence of The Lambs (1991) D: Jonathan Demme

Life-Changing: Nuh-uh.
Firsts: Nope
Classic: Not really in the same sense as the boy-movies on this list. Star Wars, etc...
Standout Aspect: Hoo-boy. Can you guess? Suprisingly, Anthony Hopkins only appears in about twenty minutes of this movie (an oft-quoted fact), but didn't it just shock you when you first heard that? You thought to yourself, "that doesn't seem right." And yet...it is such a bravado performance, so delightfully over the top, so juicy. Hopkins performance is completely magnetic, drawing all peripheral interest too him. To illustrate the power of this role, consider: how many cannibal fucked-up murderers do you root for.?We want Lecter to escape. We want to watch him work, because deep down, we harbor the same emotions. He doesn't kill at random. He is methodical and plotting, and in the end, a gentleman. He'll prey on scum, using their weaknesses against them, playing out every sick fantasy we've all had.
Watchability: You wouldn't really think it...but it is. Especially if you flip to it on AMC right about the part where Lecter is escaping from the high-security Memphis prison. The way he completely befuddles an entire frickin' army of law enforcement is amazing to watch.
Wildcard: Jame Gum. He's the sicko-freak that you are used to seeing in movies. Perverted, dispicable...you hate him. What's interesting here is the duality between Lecter and Gum. Essentially, both are the same criminal. They've murdered (relatively) innocent people for reasons that they consider fully justified. They are exceedingly clever and ruthless. Why is it that we like Lecter and abhor Gum. Part may have something to do with the abscence of Lecter's crimes on screen, but also because we can identify more directly with Lecter's motives than Gum's.

Performance to Savor: Anthony Hopkins
Memorable Moment: Hannibal's escape

6. Pulp Fiction (1994) D: Quentin Tarantino

Life Changing: Not in that special kind of way, but it did represent one of the...whoops, next section.
Firsts: Perhaps not quite as cool as "First Comedy" or "First R-rated" or something like that, but this is the first movie that I just loved that wasn't a comedy or action. I saw this a few years after it was released ('96 or so) and for the first time, I was really able to appreciate the cinematic wonder of sharp dialogue. Perhaps Clerks would've been ranked higher had I seen it before Pulp Fiction, because we've seen how my movie lists are based on order. Is that fair? Probably not. But, really, its not all that unusual. First kiss, first car, first whatever...always more memorable. So, is the only reason I like Pulp Fiction more than Resevoir Dogs because I saw it first? Yup. Which isn't, of course to take anything away from Fiction, it is a superbly acted and written movie.
Classic: Some would say it is. I say no. In my setup, classic really only refers to movies which I saw very early on in life, and were imprinted on my brain. I didn't think about them as being my favorite movies, because I assumed they were everyone's favorite movie. So, no, not Pulp Fiction.
Standout Aspect: See the "firsts" section. The writing (and subsequently, delivery) is second-to-none. Oft-imitated, never-duplicated. I think the level of work presented here is one reason why I don't like movies whose chronology is non-linear, and which feature a bevy of actors (see: 13 Conversations About the Same Thing). It is so well done here that it quite frankly ruins it for all others. Thankfully this is a very specific genre, so ALL dramas are not ruined.
Watchability: Excellent. It is quite difficult to edit this movie for TV-appropriateness, which is why you'll rarely come across it on the boob-tube. But I did once, and for the first time ever, I realized that I liked the movie, and wanted to see it, so I turned off the TV and put in the DVD. Due to the linked (but not crucially so) assortment of scenes, it is possible to enter the movie at any time and still enjoy the remainder. This feature makes the film highly rewatchable.
Wildcard: Many movie directors feature common threads through some or all of their movies. Few are more obvious than Kevin Smith's View Askewniverse. QT has a similar thread between Pulp and Dogs. Mr. Blonde and Vince Vega are brothers, and some have speculated that the glowing suitcase is full of the diamonds stolen in Dogs. Granted, this isn't a huge link, but I really like picking up on things like that.

Performance to Savor: Samuel L. Jackson
Memorable Moment: Butch goes back for this watch

5. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) D: Steven Spielberg

Life Changing: Not especially so. I saw this when I was uber-young, so I didn't have much to change!
Firsts: Other than (presumably) being one of the first movies I ever saw...not really.
Classic: With Star Wars this is THE reason why Raiders is in my top ten. Being born in the 80s means that my formative years were spent in the shadow of iconic characters such as the Predator, John Matrix, Luke, Darth Vader, and...Indiana Jones. I've touched on him a bit before, with the other movies, so I won't go into incredible detail. Jones is such a classic movie hero that all of his movies are bound to be ranked highly. That last sentence could also be interpreted as saying that Jones is a movie hero in the classic sense. The movies are set in the 30s and 40s which is the classic Golden Age of American Cinema. Spielberg taps into that sense of old-time americana with this movie. Regarded (and rightfully so) as the best of the Indiana Jones trilogy, and perhaps because it presented a hero who's cinematic heirs are Cary Grant and Humphrey Bogart. A hero who is more dash than dumb, more brains than brawn, and still able to kick ass when necessary.
Standout Aspect: Not really.
Watchability: You try hearing the opening bars of the Main Theme and not stay for the rest of the movie.
Wildcard: The scenes of travel, how they play soft interlude music and show a red line extending from city to city is just timeless.

Performance to Savor: Harrison Ford
Memorable Moment: The opening of the Ark

4. The Matrix (1999) D: The Wachowski Brothers

Life Changing: Hmm...in a way, I suppose. How influential was this movie? It didn't exactly change "my" life, but it did alter the direction of cinema. Not severely, but enough. Sure the presentation is completely lifted from other sources (but everything is), but how many "bullet time" action sequences were audience subjected to following the release of this movie? Tons, and while not all were bad, none were that great. Certainly not as memorable as those in The Matrix. I remember when my friend Eli saw this movie. After the opening sequence he says, calmly, "That was the coolest opening sequence I have ever seen." And he's right. It was pretty f-ing cool.
Firsts: Lots of new stuff here, but nothing that I would classify as a "first".
Classic: Wait 30 years.
Standout Aspect: Special Effects. Undeniably so. I feel kinda dumb for having a movie ranked this high based solely on special effects. But, how could I deny it? Thankfully, the quality of the film doesn't rest solely on the unbelievable visual wizardry, but also the relatively deep philosophical ideas on screen (I'm waiting for Brian and Aaron to begin lecturing on how the philosphy of The Matrix is sophomoric and pedantic (like I even know what those words mean.)). The Matrix represents the perfect blend of style and substance to which all future movies will be held. Certainly many will be more intellectual and thought-provoking, but will they also revolutionize the visual effects industry. Many many movies will come with more jaw-dropping effects, but will they turn an entire nation on to Eastern Thought? Another amazing thing about The Matrix is that it came out of nowhere. Absolute left-field. It was directed by two weirdo brothers whose previous effort Bound was a noir-ish lesbian gangster movie. And the advertising campaign was brilliant. I was completely begging for this movie when it came out, and I didn't even really know why.
Watchability: As with many an action movie this is a fairly easy to watch film. Although it is on TBS a little too much. So far there is only one movie in my life that I could watch every day. Just One.
Wildcard: Normally special effects would be more of a wildcard aspect, but I've already devoted enough time to them.

Performance to Savor: Hugo Weaving
Memorable Moment: "My name...is Neo!"

3. The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (1989) D: Terry Gilliam

Life Changing: My love affair with kids movies is well documented. Perhaps that it is because I am creepy. Perhaps I wasn't given enough love as a child...or the wrong kind of love. But I think that I love kids movies because of the deep and lasting imprint that this movie made on me. In fact, I would say that much of my movie preferences are based on this film. Weird, eccentric, unique (though still fairly corporate). If there was one movie which I feel best describes my taste in movies, this would have to be it.
Firsts: Not much really. The first movie I played (and in constant rotation) at the video store I worked at in high school. Which makes sense, its the highest ranked movie which would be appropriate for playing in a video store. Interestingly enough, when I began working at Hollywood Stars this movie had been rented 1 time in the previous year. Over the course of the summer it rented at least ten times. When I played it on the big screen, I was never able to finish it. Somebody would always get stucking watching it and end up renting it. And we only had one copy.
Classic: I've wrestled with whether or not to make this a classic movie. On the one hand its not one of those "favorite movies of mine which I assume are everyone else's favorites as well" a la Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark, but on the other hand, I've always liked it, I can't ever remember not having seen it. So...yes, it is a classic in my book.
Standout Aspect: Nothing like Anthony Hopkins or Bullet-Time
Watchability: Like I said, I had this on constant rotation at H. Stars. The story, the songs, the fairy-tale cinematography, everything about this movie is instantly absorbable (not sure what that means). What's especially important is that despite the fact that its a "family" film, there are certainly adult themes present. Death, love, loss...innuendo also abounds. We are also given mini-critiques of: war, governmental involvement, history and art. There is plenty to chew on, but not enough to overpower the film.
Wildcard: Sarah Polley in, I think, her first major starring role. She is an adorable little girl who manages to hold her own against John Neville, Oliver Reed, Robin Williams, Uma Thurman, Eric Idle, and Johnathan Pryce. Also, love the representation of the Fastest Man in the World, the Strongest Man in the World, the Man with the Best Vision and Hearing, and a Midget Who Can Wipe Out Armies With His Lungs.

Performance to Savor: John Neville
Memorable Moment: Descent from the moon

2. Jurassic Park (1993) D: Steven Spielberg

Life Changing: What I am about to write could appear either here, or in the "Firsts" section, as this was the first movie to completely change my life. I mean, it reordered my existence. The way I felt about movies was fundamentally altered by this movie. The ranking of Jurassic Park is the prime example of how movies which I saw and loved at a young age will often get higher rankings than movies I saw and loved more recently. Perhaps that is because they made an impression on me when I was most impressionable, or they are movies which have stood the test of time. In either case it doesn't really matter.
Firsts: Jurassic Park was the first movie I was ever obsessed with. Complete obsession. I bought the soundtrack and listened to the movie music every night before sleep. I couldn't stop talking about it with my friends. My peechees and other assorted school supplies all had JP motifs. I read the book immediately after watching the movie. I was convinced that a local video store was selling it on VHS 6 months before I expected it to be out, so I made my parents take me over there. I found out that they were simply selling pre-orders of the movie, and of course I bought one. First movie that I saw in the theater twice. First time feeling genuinely scared in a movie. First time trying to dress like a character from a movie (Alan Grant). First time asking a middle-school math teacher about math ideas presented in a book and having her not know what I was talking about. I watched it for the second time with my dad, and he liked it. Unfortunately I didn't have a similar experience with my mom. While we were watching it (on my worn out VHS copy) we recieved news that my Gramma Weezie (her mother) had died. Now my mom can't encounter anything Jurassic Park related without getting sad.
Classic: Hm....I'm somwhat torn. I clearly remember the first time I saw it (with Ben and his Mom at Eastgate Plaza in Portland), which somewhat eliminates it from classic-status as I've defined it. On the other hand...I LOVED this movie. Thinking, thinking....gotta say, doesn't feel like a classic. Sorry.
Standout Aspect: Normally I reserve this place for a standout aspect which is the reason for the high ranking. Well, the high ranking here is based on my early obsessions, but otherwise the movie still would've been ranked high because of the: Dinosaurs! Computer Effects were still young in '93, but Dennis Muran, Stan Winston, etc...managed to digitize the prehistoric creatures with amazing precision. The quality of their work is comparable to current movies. It helps that they took the time to also interject full-size puppets, and that the actual dino-shots take up very little of the actual movie (Hannibal Lecter Syndrome). But, the staging of the dinosaurs with the human actors is very well done. The raptor scene in the kitchen with the kids is one of the most genuinely tense scenes in movie cinema.
Watchability: Actually, not as watchable as some other movies. First, it is somewhat tainted by my complete obsession with it. With anything, overuse can make things stale, and that may have happened here. I can watch the movie just fine, and like it, but it brings back such powerful feelings of nostalgia that almost get in the way. Second, it didn't get me as bad as my mom, but I remember clearly learning of my Gramma Weezie's death during this movie.
Wildcard: Two scenes to overjoy a hyper 11-year-old: Show a lawyer getting eaten while sitting on a toiliet and have a character say: "That is one big pile of shit."

Performance to Savor: Bob Peck
Memorable Moment: T-Rex Attack

1. The Lord of the Rings (2001-2003) D: Peter Jackson

Life Changing: Well, I went from hating fantasy to having my favorite movie (and book) of all time be held by the fantasy genre. After Jurassic Park the only other movie which plunged me into a deep, deep obsession. This was relatively recent, so y'all may have seen this. Signing up to LOTR websites, tracking the progress of the next few movies daily, reading the books (more than once!), talking about it all the time, watching FOTR on saturday morning (and saturday night). I am still obsessed with this movie. Yesterday morning Grace and I watched ROTK for the heck of it. Probably the only movie that I own that I should own. The rest I could get away with watching when they come on TV, or if I'm at someone's house and they own it, but this...oh, this I have to watch all the time. See Watchability.
Firsts: First fantasy movie I liked (much less loved). And by fantasy I don't mean movies like Baron Munchausen, I mean swords and wizards and knights fantasy.
Classic: Well, if I can't say that Jurassic Park is a classic, then neither is this. But, LOTR transcends classic status. I mean, ultimately, saying something is a classic movie is just a compliment, and therefore ultimately subjective. This could be a classic movie, but saying so wouldn't do it the justice it deserves. What's more powerful? "Man, Lord of the Rings, that's a classic movie." or, "Man, Lord of the Rings, that's my favorite movie of all=time!" There are a lot of classic movies, but only One number One. One Movie to rule them all, One Movie to find them...
Standout Aspect: Two things stick in my mind: Music and Book Fidelity. The music is gorgeous. Absolutely able to invoke the appropriate emotion. Howard Shore's work here is timeless, and was duly rewarded by the Academy. The music is so good that there are companies who travel the world playing 10 hour Lord of the Rings Symphonies...and they are thriving. This isn't just good for movie music, its just good music. As for Book Fidelity, there are many "fan-boys" who criticize every minor change from the book. The Elves at Helm's Deep, No Scouring of the Shire, The Ring in Osgiliath, Faramir's Brown Hair, No Barrow-wights, Gandalf Physically Fighting Saruman, etc...and I'm like, "Um, shut up." The book is ENORMOUS. There is more history/backstory/sidestory to middle-earth than any other make-believe land of all time. The fact that Phillipa, Fran, and Peter were able to wade through all that, pick the major points, and throw in plenty of detail is to be commended, not distracted. I thought they did an OUTSTANDING job of adapting the book to screen, and to say otherwise is, in my opinion, selfish and ignorant.
Watchability: I've somewhat covered this already, but let me just say: I could watch this movie every day and not get bored of it. The day after the Jaeger-Thon I wanted to watch this again. And again. SOOO GOOOOOD!
Wild Card: Let me just close this by saying that my expectations for this movie were completely negative. I went into the movie expecting to not like it. Think about that. More often than not your appreciation for a movie is somewhat biased towards how you are expecting to like it. I expected to not like this movie, and not only did I like it, not only did I love it, it became my favorite movie ever. My favorite book ever. *Shakes Head* Peter Jackson truly is a God. And yes, I consider the "Trilogy" a single movie.

Performance to Savor: Andy Serkis
Memorable Moment: "You can not pass!"

I honestly can't think of anything to say which appropriately sums up the magnitude of the project which I've just completed.

19-11

2005-06-26T18:58:00.000-07:00

I am truly sorry about how this blog has fallen off. I know how it feels to be engaged in a slowly unfolding list, and then be left hanging. So here you go! (Oh yeah, you may notice the numbering is off...that's because I was moving some movies around in my list, and I got kind of fucked up. But, everything is cool now.)

19. Se7en (1995) D: David Fincher

Seven begins my top um, nineteen, and for good reason. It was the shocking movie (and most talked about?) of the mid-nineties. The MTV generation loved it for its imaginitave death and torture scenes. That decade produced several pseudo-psychological "Deep Thought" books which asked such questions as "Would you rather be alone on a desert island with all the books you can read, or blah blah blah blah....". The popularity of these books is the light-side manifestation of the same disturbed social psyche which eagerly awaits a model's debate between death or a disfigured life. Always a sucker for a good ending, this one's got one of the best: It wraps the story up nice and tidy-perfect, makes you think about who died for what sin, but mostly, because you just can't forget the look on Morgan Freeman's face when he looks in the box and realizes that "John Doe" has the upper hand. Shudder.

Performance to Savor: Kevin Spacey
Memorable Moment: The box

18. City of God (2003) D: Fernando Meirelles

The next three movies hit me like a ton of (well...anything, since a ton is a ton, regardless of what its composed of. A ton of bricks is the same as a ton of feathers. Of course, it would require a lot of space to hold a ton of feathers, so maybe its more convenient to say bricks. Anything heavier which could easily be collected into a ton, and then just as easily find its way to hitting me?) bricks. As I plan on updating the list as the years go on, it remains to be seen how well these stand the pop-quiz of time. As a matter of fact, my new policy is not to insert a movie immediately after I've seen it, but to enter it into a "To be Rated" queue, and rate it some time later, usually about 2 months. This should help avoid gut-reaction ratings. For now these movies stand, as I love them. City of God paints a devestating and rich portrait of a so-named slum region in Rio De Jeniero. Our protaganist is a young man with dreams of becoming a photographer, but can never quite find himself free of the trouble in which his home-ghetto constantly bathes itself. Other than him (who is obviously good) and Little Ze (who is obviously bad) all of the other characters act both heroically and tragically. Much like in Unforgiven, there really is no right or wrong...just what must be done to survive the situation. Excellent film. Though I hear that it is entirely inaccurate (from someone who is from there...perhaps unwilling to admit something?)

Performance to Savor: Leandro Firmino
Memorable Moment: None

17. Shaun of the Dead (2004) D: Edgar Wright

2nd in the run of recent movies to be suspiciously high on my list is this freshman effort from brit Wright. I'd heard great things about it from the various movie websites that I frequent (when I am not desperately trying to figure out how many calories are in a mouthful of plum), though I had few expectations for it myself. Zombie-horror-comedy. It sounded off-beat and quirky, and I figured I'd probably like it (and if I didn't, I would say I did around people who didn't like it, and say I didn't around people who did like it...because that's just how I am). What I found was a collection of characters whose relationships didn't require a zombiepocalypse to be interesting. The friendship of our two leads should be familiar to countless post-college, pre-career pseudo-intellectuals who would rather debate the relative hotness of the Princess and Lara Croft (hmm). Simon Pegg's ex-girlfriend and step-father are raw sources of pain more deep than any caused by the Dead. A rich tapestry of feeling, friendships, and love which is beautifully woven amid the mindless, shuffling, brain-eating hordes.

Performance to Savor: Nick Frost
Memorable Moment: Looking over the fence with backyard play ladder

16. The Incredibles (2004) D: Brad Bird

Side note: Brad Bird and Martin Brandt have to be the same person. Its unbelievable.

Every kids movie is gonna contain some sort of "moral to the story". The subtlety of which is often a good barometer for quality. And, its always something like "True love is great, friends are great, curiousity is great, compassion is great, slipping hidden messages into animations with the hopes of straightening a few pre-pubescent noodles is great". With The Incredibles we are given a "message" which I haven't really seen before, and one which I personally like. Families are great. Now, for the sake of avoiding controversy (but also to equip the move with a bit of a timeless feel), Bird presents his family as the traditional nuclear archetype. And, I'd imagine, most viewers will take away that that is the pinnacle of famliness. But, I sense of deeper understanding of Bird's family, one which goes beyond blood-lines and birth certificates. The Supers were a Family. Frozone wasn't Jack's friend...he was his brother (and not just because he was black). When Jack discovered the fate of the supers, his heart sank not just for the obvious tragedy, but for the loss of his ka-tet (sorry, I'm reading the Dark Tower). Now, is it this great overriding lesson which gives The Incredibles its charm? Of course not. Its just a fun movie. The settings consistantly made my jaw drop with wonder and the pure imagination on screen is the cinematic equivalent of *insert clever metaphor*. About 1/3 of the way through, I realized that I had an enormous smile on my face, and my eyeballs were popping out of my skull and I knew that I loved this film.

Performance to Savor: Craig T. Nelson
Memorable Moment: Dash on the water

15. Return of the Jedi (1983) D: Richard Marquand

I am somewhat retiscent to publish my own feelings about the entire Star Wars trilogy. The geeks online (self-professed these days) tend to divide everything into black and white (much like a Sith is wont to do!). Apologists and Purists. I'll save my rant for another day (well, probably not), but both sides, as they are described, are equally lame. To the Apologists: GEORGE LUCAS IS CAPABLE OF MAKING A BAD MOVIE! To the Pursits: GEORGE LUCAS DOESN'T OWE YOU SHIT (other than your life back for turning you into a mouth-breathing dork who argues about this shit from your parents house while sucking down milk and chatting with hot-babes online all day). Anyway, I loved the original trilogy and Ep. III, and I liked the prequels, even though they were bad movies, Star Wars is always cool. So, of the first three, well, second three, this is my least favorite. Interesting, because its got my favorite scenes of any of the movies (Luke, Vader, and Palps). But, the ewoks completely turned me off, as well as Han Solo's relative reduction from handsome, sly, witty and full of derring-do, to simple heartthrob sex-symbol joke-boy. But...can't complain to much, its definitely awesome to see Luke turn in to the Jedi his father could've been. For those of you who read Harry Knowles (matt): His take is that Luke became as powerful as he did, not just through the Force, but because he was unwilling to accept the traditional Jedi teachings of abandoning love and your loved ones. Interesting.

Performance to Savor: Ian McDiarmid
Memorable Moment: Vader's helmet removed

14. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) D: Steven Spielberg

Before the sure-to-be-not-that-good Indiana Jones IV comes out, lets remember the greatness of this trilogy. Well, lets focus on this third one for now. Indy has a familiar foe: The Nazis. Excellent choice. Reviled world-wide. Capable of religious zealotry and political fanatacism. No shortage of resources. Ideal Indy foible. Shit, I can't really think of anything to say. Clearly I like the movie. But why? Mostly because I like the character of Indiana Jones, and by extension Harrison Ford. I would say that Indiana is the Perfect Man, would you not? Think about it:

A) He's A Professor (indicates brains)
B) He's A Professor of Archeology (Travels all over the world)
C) He Cleans Up Well (girls love this)
D) He's Devestatingly Handsome (girls also love this)

I would trade my life for Indiana Jones' in a second. Harrison Ford? Nah, he's got that little scar on his chin which he's probably been teased about his whole life, making life not worth living. Ah, who am I kidding, I'd trade with Harrison Ford as well. Oh yeah, the Knight of the Grail owns.

Performance to Savor: Sean Connery
Memorable Moment: "He chose...poorly."

13. Time Bandits (1981) D: Terry Gilliam

Yeah, we know that it turned out ok, but really, who approved a movie-pitch about a group of time travelling midgets? Imagine how that went:

Stuffy Exec (SE): Hmm...
Insane Terry Gilliam Undoubtedly Wearing Cowboy Hat And Hawaiian Shirt (ITGUWCHAHS): Ok, so I got this great idea.
SE: Hmm...
ITGUWCHAHS: People like time-travel, right?
SE: Hmm...
ITGUWCHAHS: And people like midgets, right?
SE: Hmm...
ITGUWCHAHS: I think you see were I'm going with this.
SE: Hmm...
ITGUWCHAHS: Umm...what if I include a Dark Castle made of Legos?
SE: Here's $20 million.

Clearly I have no idea how movies get made. Gilliam's movies can sometimes get lost in a quagmire of quirkiness (Fisher King), but here he sufficiently uses the device of Time Travel to navigate and explain away all of the quirkiness. By going all the way (or "whole hog", as my grandpa would say, although now all he'd say is "..." because he's dead.) Gilliam ensnares us into the film's internal logic, and the prospect of an ogre dwelling on a boat which isn't a boat at all because its the hat on an enormous giant who somehow is managing to stay under water for a really long time, just doesn't suprise us. This movie is clever, historically accurate (well, at least enough to get by me, which isn't saying all that much), and there's even a bit of mean streak, which supplements the fun-oddities.

Performance to Savor: David Warner
Memorable Moment: Escape from the cage

12. The Empire Strikes Back (1980) D: Irvin Kershner

Whenever a trilogy is complete (in film, books, whatever) the second installment is always, always, compared to The Empire Strikes Back. Always. And for good reason too. Other than the Godfather movies sequels to tentpole movies tended to fall flat. Either from unwarranted expectation, hype, or David Arquette, Round 2 was never quite as scintilating. Then came TESB, and now we find ourselves in a dark Star Wars universe, where the heros lose, make bad choices, stumble. The Empire has bounced back from its defeat at Yevin, and with some critical information about the lineage of "young Sky-walk-ah" refocus their efforts. They do, in fact, strike back. And hard. And, unlike say, the Matrix, or even Lord of the Rings, things, critical things actually happen in this movie. It is crucial and pertinent, and, more importantly, the sexual chemistry between Leia and Han finally blooms. Now, I'd probably rather watch this over Ep. IV, but I just can't ignore the pure ground-breaking ground breakiness that A New Hope offered contemporary audiences as well as posterity.

Performance to Savor: Harrison Ford
Memorable Moment: Luke's parentage revealed

11. Resevoir Dogs (1992) D: Quentin Tarantino

While simultaneously admonishing a group of people I will also count myself among them. Don't think I can do it? Watch:

Everyone loves Pulp Fiction. Everyone thinks its QT's best movie (except those assholes who say Jackie Brown is their favorite, just to be different). It may be. Its just that I feel that their needs to be a little more debate. How come no one ever sticks up for Resevoir Dogs? This movie introduced us to the Vega family! That's right, Mr. Blonde (James Madsen) is Vincent Vega's brother. As far as sadistic villainy is concerned, I give the edge to Dogs. Pulp is more developed, with actual supporting characters, but Dogs is more raw. More upfront. Pulp is Apollo Creed (showy, no.1, beloved), Dogs is Rocky (scrappy, brutal, heart-of-iron). QT needed this move in order to make Pulp Fiction, but it is here where he cut his teeth.

Performance to Savor: Michael Madsen
Memorable Moment: "Let's go get a taco"

How's that, eh? Top 10 coming...

23-21

2005-06-03T07:15:00.000-07:00

Up bright and early.

23. Schindler's List (1993) D: Stephen Spielberg

This movie was probably the hardest one to place on the list. It was the standard example movie I used when discussing the intricies and difficulties of making an All-Time Movie list. How do I deal with this subject matter? Do I rank movies strictly on how enjoyable they are to watch? Or do I also factor in sophistication and elegant movie-making? Of course, there are no right answers, and as with Pornography: "I can't define it, but I know it when I see it". That maxim certainly applies. Schindler's List feels like its in the right spot. It is certainly better made than movies that follow, but, its certainly a hard movie to watch.

All that said, this was the first R-rated movie I saw in the theater. Classic "learning experience" my father felt that I had to witness. As an 11-year-old who was too cool to cry, I was on the verge of tears. Devestating film.

Memorable Moment: Purging of the ghetto
Performance to Savor: Ralph Fiennes

22. The Princess Bride (1987) D: Rob Reiner

A modern classic? A modern cult classic? You never really see this movie mentioned in any sort of AFI lists, or any other list for that matter, and yet, everyone seems to like it. Not just like it, love it. Across gender lines. There is a little something for everyone. I had this movie on tape as a young lad, and it was my standard "Movie To Watch When Stuck At Home Due to Illness". I wasn't sick that much, but enough to have the entire movie memorized. I was bordering on being able to recite the movie without it even playing. I recently read the book as well. Wooeee! As amazing and memorable as the movie is, they still didn't even truly capture the fantastical spirit of the book. The movie played it a bit straighter, focusing more on the dramatic features of Wesley and Buttercup's love, rather than the mystical and curious aspects of the world they inhabit. The background stories of Fezzik and Indigo are of particular note.

Memorable Moment: "Drop...your...sword."
Performance to Savor: Robin Wright Penn

21. The Lion King (1994) D: Roger Allers

The first Disney movie not to be based on a pre-existing story. Remarkable, eh? As already noted with Gladiator and The Prince of Egypt the music in a movie can make an ok-movie good, a good-movie great, and a great-movie transcendent. That's what we have here. Elton John, Tim Rice, and everyone involved in the score deserve all the praise that is lauded upon them. Sweeping, majestic, kingly, cruel...they captured the tonal elements of the film perfectly. I could probably do without Hakuna Matata, but hey, necessary evils, right? Can you feel the love tonight? helped create a more romantic atmosphere among lions than is felt in most live-action movies. Circle of Life? Gets my heart pounding. The story is suprisingly adult at times, but is nicely balanced my levity and humor. Wonderful movie.

Memorable Moment: Mustafa dies
Performance to Savor: Jeremy Irons

Alright, got stuff to do, I'll try to knock a few more of these out on the weekend.

24

2005-05-29T06:27:00.000-07:00

24. Memento (2001) D: Chris Nolan

Yeah, I know I've been fairly Brian-esque in my lack of blogging. I'm a big lame loser. Now, Memento, is without a doubt, the best "gimmick-movie" of all-time. Normally, I hate gimmicky type productions, for it is often used to distract the viewer from bad writing and acting. Here, however, we find a film in which the gimmick is derived from the situation, rather than a situation derived from a gimmick. (Just used the word gimmick in noun and adjective form way to many times.) It is fairly natural that the movie play itself out backwards, because our man Leonard is living his life that way. He knows where he is, but he doesn't know where he's been. He has a better sense of the future than of the past, and the viewer is constantly reminded of that as the film chugs along its backwards track. What elevates this movie from one-note thriller, and ultimate triumph, is the way in which the supporting characters manipulate Lenny's condition to satisfy their own ends. Carrie-Anne Moss's role is the best example of this. For not only does she use Leonard's amnesia, but she prey's upon his feelings toward her as a woman. Leonard is an infant. A sharp and deadly infant, but he is completely in the hands of the fast-moving world around him. And without fail, that world lets him down.

Performance to Savor: Guy Pearce
Memorable Moment : Sammy Jankis kills wife

49-25

2005-05-11T06:39:00.000-07:00

I promised Jake that I would have this done by the end of the week. In order for that to happen...gotta get movin'!

49. The Hudsucker Proxy (1994) D: Joel Coen

Today's entry opens with (ahh! passive voice!) two straight Coen Brothers movies. Can't help it. The Hudsucker Proxy is probably the Coen Brothers movie that the most people think is not a Coen Brothers movie. I can't explain this. All the elements are there: Dry humor, slow pacing, eccentric characters. Whenever I tell someone this is Coen, they're like, "Yeah! That's right!". Anyway, this movie follows the oxymoronic character favored by the Coens (Murdering barber, Murderous Midwest, Child-rearing thieves, Gang-banging stoners...). Here its a doofus-CEO, protrayed by Tim Robbins. Throughout the course of the movie we are given the true history of the hoola-hoop and the frisbee, with a great performance by Paul Newman.

Performance to Savor: Paul Newman
Memorable Moment: None

48. Raising Arizona (1987) D: Joel Coen

The first Coen movie I saw. Thankfully the Coens captured a Nic Cage performance with charisma. As Hi, the kidnapping thief, Cage forces us to root for his plight, despite his many flaws. A fun movie, with an appropriate amount of weirdness, a great soundtrack, and fun performances.

Performance to Savor: John Goodman
Memorable Moment: Stealing diapers

47. Shrek (2001) D: Andrew Adamson

In my opinion, the Shrek series is headed in the wrong direction. I believe I've discussed this already with Shrek 2, so check that out if you must. The plot discription for Shrek 3, while encouraging doesn't leave me convinced that the filmmakers are intent on creating a timeless classic (they've cast Justin Timberlake as King Arthur). That said, Shrek, is an unbelievable movie fusing fantasy, lore, CG, action, and comedy...all into a kids movie! There are more than one adult references, which keeps the story sharp, while never losing its sense of purpose. Great film.

46. Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004) D: Michael Moore

I refer you to my little write up of The Passion of the Christ (to lazy to make a link) for my opinion of the appropriateness of political propoganda. Moore's arguments tend to be blind, biased, and misinformed...but its easy to look past such things when you agree with his points. I wish that the Democratic Party had a charismatic, inspirational, and yes, religious leader around which we might rally. I felt that Kerry said all the right things (for example, he personally didn't believe in abortion, but he did believe in a woman's right to choose, and firmly supported Roe v. Wade). That's about as good as it gets for me. He sets aside what he recognizes to be a personal belief, and acknowledges the autonomy of others to make their own decisions. Unfortunately...not enough people agreed with me. Well, they did, they weren't concrentrated in the correct states. Anyway, apparently religion is necessary these days to get elected, so if we can find someone who is religious, but only personally so...lets go for it.

Performance to Savor: George W. Bush
Memorable Moment: Britney Spears

45. Hoosiers (1986) D: David Anspaugh

The greatest sports movie ever filmed? Quite a lofty title for such a non-assuming flick. I've never really discussed the flick with people who didn't have some element of love for sports, so I can't really attest to its viability in that market. Anyone want to share? Otherwise...a predictable story with a predictable ending, but Gene Hackman gives a fiery performance as (yes, an asshole) the basketball coach that plot really is second to the personal drama.

Performance to Savor: Gene Hackman
Memorable Moment: Arriving at the State Tournament

44. Forrest Gump (1994) D: Robert Zemeckis

This is one of those "good" blockbuster movies. I'm wary of making that classification because "Titanic" and "ET" also fall in that category. Its also easily dismissable. How many of you are gonna say they just didn't like this movie? Well, I understand...I do think Hanks' performance is somewhat overrated (he showed more depth in Castaway), but I really loved the concept of an every day guy being present at definitive historical event. Gumps Renaissance may be a bit on the whimsical side, but it nevertheless lauds the all too sparse qualities of loyalty and pride.

Performance to Savor: Gary Sinise
Memorable Moment: Shit happens

43. The Usual Suspects (1995) D: Bryan Singer

The mother of all twist endings. Though when you think about it, it pretty much negates the entire movie. Right? Doesn't matter, here is a fine example of a movie completely propped up by the unforgettability of its conclusion. Had the denoument been anything but, this movie would've been just another dreary crime drama. Forgotten in the middle of the decade. Kevin Spacey and Benicio Del Toro rose to Hollywood studs because of this flick. Excellent.

Performance to Savor: Kevin Spacey
Memorable Moment: His limp straightens

42. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) D: Stanley Kubrick

I would say that this movie could be just as effective as a silent film, but that would ignore the fantastic use of music that Kubrick employs. From Also Sprach Zarathustra to Schuman, Kubrick recognizes the emotional punch packed by the old classics. Like Mulholland Drive people will be confused by the movie if they attempt to order it sequentially and logically. The point is lost if viewed as a traditional protaganist/antagonist/conflict/resolution film. The Monoliths appear when our species are ready for giant leap forward. From Apes to Humans. From Foraging to Tools. From Earth to the Moon. From the Solar System to Beyond. Its all there. Also there is a critique/observation of the price paid by advancement. In order to use tools for food, we introduce muder weapons. In order to use computers for science, we introduce HAL. There's a lot going on here.

Performance to Savor: Douglas Rain
Memorable Moment: Docking

41. American Beauty (1999) D: Sam Mendes

And thus, screenplays became coveted in Hollywood. If only this were completely true, but we must acknowledge the path re-blazed by Mendes in re-introducing mass culture to a smart, dark, and insanely well-written movie. Mendes perfectly captures the restrained frustration felt by suburbanites, and their relative inability to do anything about it. Mendes interestingly gives away the ending at the beginning, indicating that the movie isn't designed to lead towards some sort of "shocker". We are forced to deal with that reality up front and can therefore consider the end while we observe the means. Its kind of like watching the movie for the second time, to see how everything fits together...only you can do that the first time. Well done, Sam.

Performance to Savor: Chris Cooper
Memorable Moment: None

40. A Clockwork Orange (1971) D: Stanley Kubrick

Never one to shy from a challenge, here Kubrick tackles the nature of free-will, through the lens of politics. Our protaganist/antagonist, is Alex, and...you know what? I'm sure everyone of you wrote a film critique of this movie in high school, so y'all probably have more insights than me, so I'll just share a few things.

If we combine Greek and Latin, Alex (a-lex) can be translated as "Without Law". Though I doubt that was a conscious decision.

That's all I got.

Performance to Savor: Malcolm McDowell
Memorable Moment: Apologies/Alliances

39. Spider-Man (2002) D: Sam Raimi

The best comic-book movie ever? That remains to be seen, but its thus far the best on T-Biggs. Why? Its probably more of a personal thing, but as a young man seeing the movie, I identified more with Peter Parker than Bruce Banner/Bruce Wayne/etc...the first Spider-Man is definitely a film about the painful interaction between the freewheeling days of youth and the responsibility of adulthood. Here that is exemplified by the remarkable powers thrust upon Parker and the sacrifices he knows he must now make. This struggle parallels the struggle experienced by all young adults as they realize that their lives will never be the same. They can no longer rely on their parents for everything, and that soon, people will be relying on them.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Discovering powers

38. Das Boot (1981) D: Wolfgang Peterson

As with every rule, there is an exception. Normally I avoid movies that Simmz' likes, and vice-versa, but we saw this together, and we both loved it. Will that ever happen again? No. I don't really know what about this movie appealed to both of our sensabilities, but I won't question it. The most striking thing to me about this movie is the humanization it provides of the "other" side of WWII. They were men following orders as well. Orders that they didn't understand, and often didn't agree with. They were asked to kill, and they did. But, they were human and such an experience deeply affected them. To often we are asked to accept that the people we are fighting are mindless, dispicable drones, and this movie forces us to reconsider that notion.

Performance to Savor: Jurgen Prochnow
Memorable Moment: Boat sinks

37. Toy Story (1995) D: John Lasseter

If it seems that every movie is "the first..." something or other, you shouldn't be too suprised. The movies that are going to be towards the top of my list will probably be those movies for which I saw something I'd never seen before. Initial impressions are most lasting, and this is reflected in my favorite movies. What "first" is Toy Story? Well...before Toy Story, Pixar had released A Bug's Life, which, while visually stunning, frankly wasn't all that great of a movie. People had questioned the ability of CG movies to leave room for smart and fun story telling. Toy Story blew all of those critics completely away. Without a doubt, this movie will be remember for the influential pioneer that it is: A movie whose remarkable visual style partners synergistically with a terrific story, accessible to both kids and adults.

Performance to Savor: Tim Allen
Memorable Moment: "So play nice."

36. The Karate Kid (1984) D: John G. Avildsen

Who doesn't like this movie? I'll tell you, people who saw it for the first time after the age of 15. And, I'd probably understand. But, to those people, imagine seeing this for the first time at a young age (6-14). Imagine seeing Daniel-san being forced to move across the country, living in his dumpy apartment, being picked on, beat up, humiliated. Imagine watching him fumble his way around girls. Then, he meets Mr. Miyagi, and through him gathers a strength to overcome these familiar obstactles. Imagine wanting to join Karate because of this movie. Imagine dreaming of taking down your own personal tormentors, just like Daniel-san did. How can you not love this movie?

Performance to Savor: Pat Morita
Memorable Moment: The Crane

35. Fight Club (1999) D: David Fincher

So many of my peers love this movie, that I'm not really defending this pick to anyone. So many have read the book (and I haven't) that I dont' really have anything to add. So...I won't bother.

Performance to Savor: Brad Pitt
Memorable moment: Discovering Tyler Durden

34. The Sixth Sense (1999) D: M. Night Shyamalan

Grace often asks me why I even bother watching network television. Not to turn my own crank, but I've gotten quite good at making predictions about the out comes of the shows. These extraordinary powers translate to movies as well. Its those movies that manage to sneak one past my goalie that resonate most with me. Now, what is unusual about The Sixth Sense is that I knew a twist was coming! I had heard my friends talking about it, but I told 'em to shut up before I heard what the twist was. The entire movie I tried in vain to figure out what it was...but I couldn't. And the best thing about the ending is that it doesn't seem forced. It flowed natural with the story. The endings that are unpredictable yet logical, fantastical yet implied...those are the best. And The Sixth Sense nailed it.

Performance to Savor: Haley Joel Osment
Memorable Moment: Revelation

33. The Exorcist (1973) D: William Friedkin

How scary was this movie when you first saw it? Of course, that probably depended on the situation, but for most, I'd imagine it was horrifying. Friedkin dared to show us things we hadn't seen before. Dared to shock us, to make us sick. Why is this movie considered the scariest of all time? Well, first, its just a well made movie. It has legitimate actors, not bouncy blondes. Mostly the true scares are found at the juxtoposition of the innocent (Regan) and the corrupt (Demon). Friedkin mutilates pure images into ones of hate and filth. Head spinning, walking down stairs upside down and backwards, vomiting, crucifixing. All of these images are meant to spoil our minds eye vision of the pure child. That a beast could be so evil as to devour our children? That's the horror.

Performance to Savor: Max Von Sydow
Memorable Moment: Crab walk down stairs

32. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (1999) D: Guy Ritchie

I would say that this is the movie that introduced me to British gangster movies...except I never really got in to them. With Snatch and...yeah, sure, Trainspotting, I found a collection of characters and actors that I really liked, performing for directors who really knew their craft. As with South Park, however, I didn't really take the iniative to seek such out this movie-style. Can I explain why? Um. No.

Performance to Savor: Jason Statham
Memorable Moment: None

31. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) D: Michel Gondry

The most realistic depiction of romance that I have seen in a movie. Ever. Fantastical. Impossible. Realistic. Joel and Clementine are both terrified of each other. They want to avoid the pain that comes with heartbreak, but even more, they want to avoid the pain that comes with lonelines. Timidly, they allow themselves to care, only to find that heartbreak is in the cards. Charlie Kaufman, Hollywood wunderkind, uses an (typical.) out-there device to illustrate points which are far to real. Essentially, its a cinematic interpretation of "'Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." And it works like a charm.

Performance to Savor: Jim Carrey
Memorable Moment: Memories under the table

30. Dr. Strangelove (1964) D: Stanley Kubrick

As a kid I had a brief and unattached image of a man riding a nuclear bomb, waving his hat and cheering like a cowboy. For the longest time I couldn't associate this image with any particular movie. Well...we all see where this is going. I watched this for the first time as a cognizant adult, and there it was! The image from my youth! Alas, it certainly is a memorable part of the film, but by no means is it the best. Kubrick fills this movie with excellent performances and anti-war jabs, all the while making his, in my opinion, most accessible film. It works as a comedy. It works as a drama. Shit, it even works as a war movie. It just works. Oh yeah...James Earl Jones' first movie.

Performance to Savor: Peter Sellers
Memorable Moment: King Kong rides the bomb

29. Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991) D: James Cameron

Huge time-travel fallacies all over the place. Enormous holes in the script. Who cares!? This dark and semi-apocolyptic vision of the near-future is James Cameron at his (second) best. The transition of Arnold from evil cyborg to good cyborg is handled adequetly enough, and following a brief exposition of characters, we get to watch Industrial Light & Magic jerk off all of the screen. The story provides a perfect medium for ILM to flex its muscle, and the movie is better off for it. Imagine watching this had they used the stop-motion from the first?

Performance to Savor: Linda Hamilton
Memorable Moment: Vision of the apocalypse

28. The Abyss (1989) D: James Cameron

Another James Cameron movie, I know. The reason that I like this more than T2 is primarily the acting, followed closely by the plot. T2, while awesomely cool, handles its Time Paradox somewhat ham-handedly, while The Abyss isn't encumbered by such problems. What we are given, however, is a sophisticated action-thriller, peppered with suspense and extraterrestrial. Cameron wisely holds off on many of his money-shots until the end (a technique learned from Spielberg), and simply lets his actors breathe. Here we are given actors with better chops than in T2 and so Cameron uses FX for enhancement, rather than overshadowing.

Performance to Savor: Ed Harris
Memorable Moment: Water snake

27. The Last Temptation of Christ (1988) D: Martin Scorcese

An interesting way to analyze history is to play the "What if?" game. What if Hitler choked on a braunschweiger in his youth? What if JFK was wearing a kevlar helmet? What if Henry Ford was named Henry Chevrolet? Anyway, this could go on forever, but the question asked by this movie is "What if Jesus had decided to save himself from the Cross?" This question has been asked by theologians and clergy for centuries, though it took 2000 centuries before it appeared on film. What gives? Given the nature of Jesus (y'know half-man, half-god...kinda like how an electron is a wave and a particle at the same time), he certainly was well within his power to come down from the Cross. While dying several Pharisees and Roman Soldiers taunted him with such temptations. If you are who you say you are, why not save yourself? Well... this movie doesn't really explore the full nature and power of Jesus, rather, it hypothesizes about the life JC would've led had he shed his role of Savior.

Performance to Savor: Willem Dafoe
Memorable Moment: None

26. Gladiator (2000) D: Ridley Scott

I couldn't decide which movie to place rank higher between this and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I'm not even sure if this ranking is accurage. I feel very similar towards both. The common thread of affinity is unique to both movies. Both movies are propped up by music. That is somewhat misleading. Both would still be very good movies in their own right, but they just wouldn't be ranked this high. The music in both films is so completely perfect to the mood that it transcends the celluloid and becomes a symphony in its own right. Many soundtracks are very movie-specific, yet here we find themes and motifs that can be enjoyed independent of any movie. Just ask Linda.

Performance to Savor: Joaquin Phoenix
Memorable Moment: I will have my vengeance

25. Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (2000) D: Ang Lee

See above. I Like the part in the cave when they do it.

Performance to Savor: Zhang Ziyi
Memorable Moment: In the cave

74-50

2005-04-22T13:05:00.000-07:00

Just so y'all know: Sin City came in at 77, and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is at 376.

74. 12 Monkeys (1995) D: Terry Gilliam

This is awfully high for someone who previously complained about Bruce Willis' hungover acting style. Well, can't do much about that. Its not like he acts "bad", in fact he's quite good. Its just that I'd prefer if he also pepper in a few stylistically different roles as well. That said, I have (with E-town) an affinity for dystopic visions of the future. Here we find humans forced underground by a deadly virus. The issues with Time Travel are handled adequetly, covered mostly by the statement "you can't change the past...its already happened." The ending is a bit of a twist, though somewhat more predictable for mature film goers. Fortunately I had a bit of naievete in me when I first saw 12 Monkeys, so I fell for the ruse.

Performance to Savor: Brad Pitt
Memorable Moment: None

73. Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003) D: Quentin Tarantino

I had been anticipating this movie for several years before it came out, and Q's decision to split it in two at first seemed an example of studio greediness, but now I see that it was also the correct artistic decision. Unfortunately, my first viewing of the film was less than ideal. I saw it in Hungary, and so the film had Hungarian subtitles. Not a problem. Until everyone started speaking Japanese. Of course, the Hungarian subtitles continue. So my choice is to try to listen in Japanese or read in Hungarian. This continued for a frustratingly long time. As we'll see, I connected a bit better with Vol. II. I also appreciated the subtle to not-so-subtle references, however, this movie simply made me yearn for a more wholly original Tarantino flick. Also, I don't know why everyone raves about Uma Thurman. I thought she was average at best.

Peformance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: "It was a Hanzoi sword!"

72. Hero (2004) D: Yimou Zhang

A movie in the vein of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (I have a feeling whichever I saw first would be rated higher...though I can't prove it.), without being saddled by the need to show a more feminist martial arts movie. I feel here that Zhang, much more than Ang Lee, lets his characters behave naturally, despite their incredible physical powers. Gorgeous cinematography.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Swordfight on water

71. Amelie (2001) D: Jean-Pierre Jeunet

Sometimes I begrudgingly see a movie which I had no intention of seeing, based soley on Grace's recommendation. Examples include: Gone With the Wind, Thelma & Louise, and Amelie. Maybe I shouldn't be so hesitant...these are some great movies. Especially Amelie which completely blew me away with its wit and charm. We are presented with a nervous and shy protagonist, but dammit if she isn't so darn cute! Her heart is made of pure gold, and Jeunet's visual style is perfectly suited to tell the story of a whimsical matchmaker with an active imagination.

Performance to Savor: Audrey Tautou
Memorable Moment: The photo booth repair man

70. Snatch (2001) D: Guy Ritchie

In a lot of ways, this is mostly just a remake of "Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels", which means that under normal circumstances I would dock heavily for loss of originality. More important to my list though, is gut instinct. Sure the stories were similar, but I found them both to be very intriguing, and populated by fascinating characters. My experience with English gangster movies is thus far quite limited, and so any feelings of triteness I might have had towards Snatch are still buried.

Performance to Savor: Vinnie Jones
Memorable Moment: Imposter

69. Monty Python and the Life of Brian (1979) D: Terry Jones

Satire and spoof are most effective when the audience is keenly aware of the source material. Would Animal Farm be as memorable if you knew nothing of Russian history? As a PK (preacher's kid), I know the story of Jesus backwards and forwards, which makes this spoof all the more hilarious. I get a lot of the high-brow jokes which pass over some heads, but also love the low-brow elements as well. It essence this really is the only thing which seperates this movie from Holy Grail and Meaning of Life. Also, I've seen more often as once a year my dad and all of his pastor buddies will get together to drink scotch and watch this movie.

Performance to Savor: Graham Chapman
Memorable Moment: The bright side of life

68. The Mission (1986) D: Roland Joffe

Whoa! Two straight religious-themed movies! I was made to watch The Mission as part of my confirmation training, and the viewing of which was the first time my dad was able to quiet a group of rowdy middle-schoolers. The story is so somber and compelling, enhanced by amazing visuals and dynamic acting, that none of us could avoid being affected in some way. Remarkably, this movie is in no way pro-Church or anti-Church; it smartly leaves any moral lessons left to the reader. Certainly both stances could be held. My personal take is that it is clearly a condemnation of war (obviously), and an encouragement to eschew the rigid formalities of worship en masse and to pursue a personal relationship with whatever it is that you call God.

Performance to Savor: Jeremy Irons
Memorable Moment: Shot with the cross

67. Clerks (1994) D: Kevin Smith

I should probably mention that Smith is currently in the process of making Clerks 2: The Passion of the Clerks, which hopefully won't ruin my affinity for the original. Little more than a play on screen, Clerks stands uniquely in my mind as a movie which has a lot to eloquently say, about very little, about nothing. In many ways Clerks is an R-rated version of Seinfeld. From discussions of contractors on the Death Star to necro-nasty encounters in the bathroom, our characters routinely talk about, act towards, and respond to mundane everyday-ness. Certainly they are more well-spoken and persuasive (Randall) than most, but I think what makes this movie so appealing is the way in which it mirrors our own lives. And there's a lot of dick-and-fart jokes.

Performance to Savor: Jeff Anderson
Memorable Moment: Bad service at the video store

66. Animal House (1978) D: John Landis

This is the highest ranking comedy (that isn't a kids movie) on my list. Take that for what its worth. The thing I like most about this film (displayed best by Otter) is that throughout their adventures, our lovable losers consistantly act confident and classy. Well, maybe only Otter acts like that. Really no plot to speak of, but...who cares? This movie is a classic. John Belushi is gold, Neidermeyer is villainous villainy, Flounder, Donald Sutherland, Peter Reigert, Kevin Bacon, arg. I'm not smart enough to analyze the movie very well. Here's my best: It's funny!

Performance to Savor: John Belushi
Memorable Moment: Breaking the guitar

65. Top Gun (1986) D: Tony Scott

I actually considered docking this a few points because this was the movie that gave Jerry Bruckheimer the confidence to invade Hollywood. But, that wouldn't be fair to Tony Scott and what he accomplished. (Trivia: Tony Scott is Ridley Scott's brother, and they both started out making commercials in England). Perfect 80s movie. Stuffed with machismo, babes, melodrama, and bad music. The sheer wattage given off by Tom Cruise is palpable, though is chemistry with Kelly McGillis is questionable. I'm sitting here trying to think of something more to say, but everytime I think "Top Gun" to myself, I smile, shake my head a little, and chuckle.

Performance to Savor: Tom Cruise
Memorable Moment: Goose dies

64. Rocky (1976) D: John G. Avildsen

This was one of those movies that I'd always put off seeing, mostly because I had no interest in it. I'm not a huge fan of Sly, and I'm certainly no boxing afficianado. But, if you read ESPN.com long enough, you'll hear this movie mentioned again and again. Eventually enough was enough, and I finally sat down and watched the thing. Boy, had I been wrong. This is a great movie. Not only is the screenplay (by Sly) smart and unpatronizing, his performance as The Italian Stallion is captivating. Any scene that he isn't in is boring by comparison. That's how good he is. This isn't just a great sports movie...its a great movie, period.

Performance to Savor: Sylvester Stallone
Memorable Moment: Running up the steps

63. Commando (1985) D: Mark L. Lester

My dirtiest pleasure. Probably the highest ranking movie on my list which isn't considered a good movie by anyone's standards. More than the Terminators, this is, to me, the definitive Arnold Movie. He single handedly battles an entire compound of soldiers! That's like 300-to-1. How does he do it? And there are countless moments which E-town and I constantly recount. Jumping out of a plane, ripping the seat out of a car, crashing in to a pole with no seatbelt, breaking in to an ammo store, the list goes on...I just can't deny how much I love this movie.

Performance to Savor: Vernon Wells
Memorable Moment: Jumping from the airplane

62. Total Recall (1990) D: Paul Verhoeven

This was my first glimpse into the difference between an R-rated movie and a PG-13 movie. We don't really notice it now, but think about the first time you saw an R-rated movie. All the violence and sex is actually quite amazing. This wasn't the first R movie I watched start to finish, but I saw a few scenes at my Grandma's house before my mom came running in and demanded that I change the channel. I had a hard time deciding between this and Commando. They have similar rewatchabilities and Arnold Factors, but ultimately, the story of Total Recall is significantly better. A suprising amount of thinking goes on for this Arnold Movie.

Performance to Savor: Michael Ironside
Memorable Moment: Body as a shield

61. The Last of the Mohicans (1992) D: Michael Mann

At this point, I defer to E-town.

Performance to Savor: Daniel Day-Lewis
Memorable Moment: Scalping

60. Saving Private Ryan (1998) D: Steven Spielberg

Thankfully I have never been to war and I can't imagine the horrors therein. As far as cinema goes, this appears to be as close to battle-time conditions as we've seen. From the soldiers puking on the boats to the begging for life to the paralyzing fear, this is a realistic (insert Brian comment about how this wasn't realistic) war... full of hero's and cowards. I can't attest to its historical accuracy, but as far as movies go, this is near the top of a long list of great war movies.

Performance to Savor: Tom Hanks
Memorable Moment: Afraid to help mate

59. The Passion of the Christ (2004) D: Mel Gibson

Another religious movie! Zealot! Zealot! As far as politics go, I'm tired of hearing people complain that this movie is propaganda and simple proseltyzing by Mel Gibson, that he had no right to shove this down our throats. Well, you didn't have to see it, and second, as far as that logic goes, the same could be said about Michael Moore. I certainly wouldn't classify myself as a conservative, however one wants to define that word, but I do *gulp* admire those who have the conviction to stand up and speak loudly for their beliefs. My only hope is that those whose convictions fall more in line with my own would find their own loud voice. Anyway....regardless of ones religious or political views, I doubt if you can deny the incredible filmmaking on display here. The Passion of the Christ (and for those of you who are wondering passion is derived from a greek word for suffering), is a very powerful story which is in this movie, finally captured on screen.

Performance to Savor: Jim Caviezel
Memorable Moment: Beaten by Romans

58. Unforgiven (1992) D: Clint Eastwood

Eastwood near the top of his game. Like Mystic River our main characters are deeply flawed and are mired in moral ambiguity. Munny's motivations are certainly understandable, but his actions boder on disturbing. Eastwood excels at directing scripts wherein there is no true good guy, and no true bad guy, for each is capable of things which seem contrary to their nature. What's on screen, though sensationalized, is identifiable with the grey areas of our world.

Performance to Savor: Clint Eastwood
Memorable Moment: None

57. Toy Story 2 (1999) D: John Lasseter

Like a breath of fresh air, Toy Story 2 enters the list after a string of violent and dark movies. A relatively high ranked sequel, I can't hide my unabashed joy at all that Pixar turns out. Toy Story was the first CG movie that really got it, and Toy Story 2 simply builds on that confidence. We don't need any lengthy exposition, we can jump right in to the story. And its not just fluff. Our characters are given real existential dilemnas which they must deal with in order to understand themselves. Great stuff, as usual, from the folks at Pixar.

Performance to Savor: Tim Allen
Memorable Moment: None

56. Home Alone (1990) D: Chris Columbus

A relic from my childhood movie experiences, this movie continues to entertain. I'll watch maybe once a year, and each time I'm amazed at how well it holds up. It has no extravagent special effects or extreme displays of technology, so it won't be dated any time soon. And what kid didn't dream of this scenario? Though I doubt any would be as organized and resourceful as young Kevin McAllister.

Performance to Savor: Macauley Culkin
Memorable Moment: None

55. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001) D: Wes Anderson

I would like to think that I am a Wes Anderson fan though I've only seen The Royal Tenenbaums, despite all of the good things I've heard about Bottle Rocket, Rushmore, and The Life Aquatic. Any directors (or actors, or whoever) do that to anybody? I feel like he's a great director, but its all heresay. I've only seen one of his movies. But, oh boy, was it a good one.

Performance to Savor: Gene Hackman
Memorable Moment: None

54. Jaws (1975) D: Steven Spielberg

The granddaddy of all blockbuster movies. For what its worth, to still be ranked this high after 30 years speaks highly of quality. I admit that T-Biggs is a bit skewed toward newer movies, which is why I plan to revise and edit as the years go on. None the less, Jaws showed movie studios that summer was the time to release movies, it showed directors the proper way to deal with a monster effectively, it showed producers how to maximize budget, it showed writers that action and horror don't have to equal dumb, and it showed audiences how powerful filmmaking can truly be.

Performance to Savor: Robert Shaw
Memorable Moment: Swimming at night

53. Requiem for a Dream (2000) D: Darren Aranofsky

THE movie of my freshman year in college. I will forever assosciate this film with the living experience of first being away from home, living on Doty 3, negotiating collegiate life, finding a girlfriend, making new friends...everything. I had the soundtrack on my computer, which probably added to the doom and gloom of Doty. Aranofsky's flair accentuates the highs and inevitable lows of prolonged drug use, and its multitude of forms. From heroin to diet pills, all ages are susceptible. Dark, painful, disturbing, and not necessarily for the faint of heart, Requiem is the cinematic experience of an overdose...though without the side effects.

Performance to Savor: Marlon Wayons
Memorable Moment: On the pier

52. Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2004) D: Quentin Tarantio

If the Kill Bill movies were released as a single film, as originally planned, I would hope that the end result was mostly elements from KB2. In my opinion QT shows more depth, and requires much more of his actors. Sure the House of Blue Leaves was an unforgettable cinematic experience, but in a lot of ways it clogged the movie; prevented our characters from interacting and dispensing information as to their motivations and backgrounds. In KB2 all of our questions are answered, and stylistically as well. Bill doesn't get quite enough screen time, and his back story is kind of lame, but David Carradine nails what he's given. They coulda picked a less annoying kid for the daughter. Excellent forshadowing as to how Bill is Killed.

Performance to Savor: Gordon Liu
Memorable Moment: Training with Pei Mei

51. 28 Days Later (2003) D: Danny Boyle

My goal for this movie is to see it on a TV. Thus far I've only seen it on E-town's computer monitor. In a van. But, what I saw was undeniably brilliant filmmaking. There has been/will be a glut of zombie movie in recent/coming years, but this is yet the best. Some minor social commentary regarding the nature of humanity, but its wisely kept at bay. As with any zombie movie, there are only so many options to consider as far as plot goes, and we're given the standard package. Where this movie excels, however, is the inclusion of small details. Cillian Murphy's visit to his parents, the army guys capturing a zombie, etc...

Performance To Savor: Brenden Gleeson
Memorable Moment: Zombie on a chain

50. Spider-Man 2 (2004) D: Sam Raimi

Allow me to preface this by stating that I loved this movie. Clearly. Therefore, I am simply going to list the things I didn't like about the movie. Should be a short list.

MJ discovers that Peter Parker is Spider-Man way too soon.
Our villains are so far results of botched medical procedures. Have some different motivations, like Magneto.

That's pretty much it. I loved the music...operatic and grandiose. The special effects were top-notch. Less intusive than the original. Comic book adaptations naturally lend themselves to sequels, so the "rehashed" factor is kept to a minimum. Looking forward to Spidey 3!

Performance to Savor: Alfred Molina
Memorable Moment: Battle on Subway

Depressing Blog

2005-04-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

Don't read this if you don't like depressing blogs. Seriously. Just letting you know. No T-Biggs today.

Alright you asked for it.

You have no one to blame but yourself.

Anyway. I'm feeling pretty bad right now. There really isn't one exact thing that is the cause of it. I'm just in a slump. As you may or may not know from Grace's blog, I'm supposed to house-sit/baby-sit for these super rich people that I normally just tutor for. So last night I had to stay up until midnight waiting for Michael (that's the kid I tutor, but now I'm baby sitting) to get home from God knows where. Oh yeah, I know where. At Murphey's. Playing poker. On the corner of Goodrich and Prior. So, I'm tired, because I didn't get much sleep, and I had a fairly busy day yesterday setting up and attending the "Tropical Meltdown", which is my dept.'s annual party celebrating student success. It was fun. I'm tired right now. So tired, I didn't even go to the gym. And I'm fairly religious about going during my lunch break during the week, so that should tell you how tired I am. But I'm not even that tired. I've been this tired before and worked out. I'm just mentally strapped. I can't really see myself lifting weights or running or anything in any meaningful way. I can't visualize it happening. And, as we all know, mental strength is a huge chunk of the pie. And I don't have any. I also let Grace down with her camera (lost the batteries), which isn't a big deal...just have to pick up more batteries. But, it was her camera and her batteries, and I needed to be more careful. My bad. So, I'm thinking about that. And, I have to go back to the Mansion tonight...and tomorrow night, and I'm just totally out of my groove. Fuck man. I get out of my groove way to easily. That's not cool. Too many "ands".

99-75

2005-04-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

So, I finally saw Napoleon Dynamite. I wasn't disappointed, and I found the movie to be refreshing and hilarious. Didn't crack the top 100 though. Comes in at 112. Right behind True Lies and ahead of Big Fish. We'll see how well the movie ages. Could move up the list if it starts attains "classic" status. Anyway. Had courtside seats to the T-Wolves game. They lost. It was fun though, as I talked to Dan Barreiro, shook Mad Dog's hand, and got a head nod from Ndudi Ebi.

99. Aladdin (1992) D: Ron Clements

I know Robin Williams is played out and annoying, but remember when he was at the top of the comedy game? Well, maybe not the top, but his performance as the Genie is legendary. Spectacular animation on display, coupled with a story everyone thinks about (3 wishes), and we have a Disney classic.

Performance to Savor: Robin Williams
Memorable Moment: Chase on the carpet

98. Speed (1994) D: Jan De Bont

A great action thriller with a clever set up. Docked several spots because of the unsure and repetitive ending. Nothing here is top notch (effects, acting, directing) except the music, which fits the mood perfectly. I always end up watching this on TNT.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Subway beheading

97. The Natural (1984) D: Barry Levinson

A loving look at a bygone baseball era, when men wore suits and hats to baseball games, and reporters said things like, "Hey, see! Whaddya know? Whaddya say? See?!" Hobbs numbers are mythical, but as Bonds is proving, not impossible.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Homerun in to the light fixture

96. The Pirates of the Caribbean (2003) D: Gore Verbinski

Can't believe that the guy who made "Mousehunt" also made a movie ranked this high...but here it is. Pirates is a near perfect combination of humor, FX, and um...derring-do? For the longest time, pirate movies have been a curse in Hollywood, so success is met with much acclaim. Everyone is cast perfectly, except Orlando Bloom who's got to start showing me something else.

Performance to Savor: Johnny Depp
Memorable Moment: None

95. Rounders (1998) D: John Dahl

The Sports Guy would probably not agree with this pick. Too low for him. I'm not a fan of poker, and I don't gamble, but this movie isn't just about poker. Its about friendship, loyalty, and following your dreams. Mike McD has a great girlfriend who doesn't share his dreams. What to do? An excellent look at a man torn between a world of legitmacy and security, and a world of his passions.

Performance to Savor: Edward Norton
Memorable Moment: Teddy's Tell

94. Monty Python and the Meaning of Life (1983) D: Terry Gilliam

Nothing more than a series of gags, Python's take on life usuallys boils down to oxymoronic combinations of attitude and setting. For example, a straight laced professor teaching sex ed...by having sex with his wife. Or a troupe of soldiers questioning the literal meaning of their commander's orders. Quirky and smart...never short on laughs.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: The Machine that goes "ping"

93. Psycho (1960) D: Alfred Hitchcock

To label this as the most shocking/scary/frightening/disturbing movie of all time (as many critics/magazines do) is to divorce oneself from the social context in which one first sees it. Surely when it was first released it terrified audiences, but the gore and infamy of the shower scene fall away when later generations encounter the material. What remains is an excellently plotted mystery, inhabited by memorable characters, but no real protagonist.

Performance to Savor: Anthony Perkins
Memorable Moment: Shower

92. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) D: Steven Spielberg

The Bearded One takes a lesson out of his own book, and utilizes it to perfection. As with Jaws, Spielberg decides to withold the supernatual/extraordinary until the end of the movie, effectively building fantastic tension. The questionable mental stability of our lead, as well as the sense of global threat, government cover up, and a link with the galaxy, all contribute to a well crafted motion picture.

Performance to Savor: Richard Dreyfuss
Memorable Moment: Mashed potatoes

91. The Wizard of Oz (1939) D: Victor Fleming

Do y'all remember how scary this movie was? Flying monkeys, melting witches, tornados, houses...how did anyone get through it? What else can I say that hasn't already been said about one of American Cinema's masterpieces?

Performance to Savor: Margaret Hamilton
Memorable Moment: "I'm melting!"

90. The Ten Commandments (1956) D: Cecille B. DeMille

The only person who knew who voiced the Burning Bush was DeMille...and he's dead! So that's a mystery that will never be solved. Say what you want about the Bible, but it certainly doesn't lack in the epic department. DeMille did an admirable job of transferring the sweeping nature of the story on to the big screen without making it seem hoky or cheap.

Performance to Savor: Yul Brynner
Memorable Moment: Parting of the Red Sea

89. Good Will Hunting (1997) D: Gus Van Sant

Hey, its about a tough mathematician. Whaddya want from me?

Performance to Savor: Matt Damon
Memorable Moment: Proof on the blackboard

88. There's Something About Mary (1998) D: Farrelly Brothers

Dumb and Dumber was the first, and Something was the last. That is, movies made by the Farrelly's where the "gross-out" elements fit into the story without feeling forced, or inserted for shock value alone. Definitely a modern classic, with only a few dated elements, and should turn out to be a movie classic, in the comedy genre or otherwise. That last sentence was terrible.
Performance to Savor: Matt Dillon
Memorable Moment: Zipped up

87. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) D: Alfonso Cuaron

The only of the three Potters to be a good stand alone movie. That is, the first two had some serious flaws, but were largely forgiven because of the general affinity for the source material. The feeling with this movie is that Cuaron committed himself to making a good movie rather than just a good Harry Potter Movie. The result is fantastic. Hogwarts and environs are well realized, and I feel that Michael Gambon gets Dumbldore much more than Richard Harris.

Performance to Savor: Emma Watson
Memorable Moment: Hippogriff flight

86. Spellbound (1945) D: Alfred Hitchcock

I'm probably one of the few people in the world who has this ranked higher than Psycho. Certainly Psycho is fairly innovative in that its main character is a misanthropic murder, yet Spellbound offers a unique and imaginative dream sequence by Salvador Dali. Whatever...both movies are classics, and I like Spellbound more.

Performance to Savor: Ingrid Bergman
Memorable Moment: None

85. Fargo (1996) D: Joel Coen

The Coens took potentially dangerous material (alienating the entire midwest by mocking their accent, attitudes, and lifestyles) and churned out an amusing, loving, and disturbing tale. The characters (other than Peter Stormare's) are every day people that you and I both know. By placing these people in remarkable situations, the Coens afford us the oppurtunity to examine how we might respond in similar circumstances.

Performance to Savor: Peter Stormare
Memorable Moment: Wood chipper

84. Apocalypse Now (1979) D: Francis Ford Coppola

Take it away E.

Performance to Savor: Marlon Brando
Memorable Moment: Napalm

83. The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) D: Jim Sharman

This is one of those love-it-or-hate-it movies. Senior year in high school a group of the "smart" kids took a trip to the Ashland Shakespeare Festival. We had a couple of hotel rooms, and incidentally we rented this. I think I was the only one who liked it. Imagine how $immz responded. Then, there were the cowboys, and the farmer...and the Bible Boy. In all, not exactly a crowd to watch a mind-bending musical about Transvestites from Transexual Transylvania.

Performance to Savor: Tim Curry
Memorable Moment: Meat Loaf

82. Shrek 2 (2004) D: Andrew Adamson

A true marvel of computer animation. Stuffed with cameos (literary and otherwise), dazzling sets, and pop-culture references, this movie is about as "for the whole family" as it gets. My only concern is tied to its appeal. Like its predecessor, it relies heavily on current events for its gags. This reduces its rewatchability and thus, its timelessness. I expect both Shrek movies to slowly move down the list as the years pass.

Performance to Savor: Antonio Banderas
Memorable Moment: None

81. Gone With The Wind (1939) D: Victor Fleming

Until recently, this was one of those movies that I'd always planned on seeing, but never planned to see. I'd always say "I'll see it sometime". Of course, its a 3 1/2 hour epic, so I can't really just stumble upon it. Fortunately its Grace's favorite movie and she has a copy. One weekend I decided to just do it. I didn't really know what to expect. Obviously it has as much acclaim as any movie ever...but its old, and about high society during the Civil War. So how much is it gonna resonate with me? Well, I loved it. It is truly an epic movie in every sense of the word. Costumes, sets, acting...and the music. Shit, I'm still whistling the damn music. What suprised me the most was the context of the "Frankly Scarlet..." line. It came when I least expected it, and signified something I did not see coming. Another suprise: Scarlett O'Hara is one of modern cinemas lasting heroins, but not for the reasons I expected. I found her to be entirely unlikable. Sure, she's a survivor, but she's mostly a bitch. Anyway, this movie offered a lot to me which I was wholly unprepared for, which is really the best thing that could've happened.

Performance to Savor: Vivien Leigh
Memorable Moment: "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn."

80. Boogie Nights (1997) D: Paul W.S. Anderson

A far far better film than "Magnolia" where P.A felt the need to bang us over the head with his subtle messages. Here, the characters steal the show, and they are allowed to breathe. We are unsuprised that the porn industry corrupts young Dirk, but we are made to feel bad about it anyway. We are given a world inhabited by loathsome, greedy, shady, druggy, and alltogether amoral shucksters, but are allowed to see their human side. That they, along with everyone, have dreams, and they, like everyone, often see those dreams crushed.

Performance to Savor: Julianne Moore
Memorable Moment: Unzipped

79. Thelma and Louise (1991) D: Ridley Scott

So, I watched another of Grace's all time classics, and clearly, I loved it. Classic buddy road trip gone wrong trip with a little twist: They're women. That shouldn't be a twist, but...it is. Things begin to spiral out of control, and eventually, they are wanted murderers. What's unfortunate is that had these main characters been male, this would've been a run of the mill flick. However, Scott takes this oppurtunity to point out several ills of our society, the most obvious of which is our treatment of women. Beyond all that, this is a fantastically fun pic, featuring the virile young body of Brad Pitt.

Performance to Savor: Geena Davis
Memorable Moment: Cliff

78. Being John Malcovich (1999) D: Spike Jonze

Probably the most unique movie I will ever see. Sure there are weirder movies. Sure that are more pyschadelic movies. But, Charlie Kaufman plays it straight, and matter of factly presents us with a situation that is beyond bizarre. There are no explanations, just examanations of how resourcefulness can be applied to manipulate any situation for one's own personal gain. However, there may be serious consequences.

Performance to Savor: Cameron Diaz
Memorable Moment: Malcovich Malcovich Malcovich Malcovich

77. Harold and Maude (1972) D: Hal Ashby

Dark humor at its finest. Meet Harold, a rich young man completely unhappy with life, and hell bent on thinking of exotic new ways to fake his own death. Meet Maude, a free spirited geriatric with more to offer than women 1/4 her age. Naturally, these two make a perfect pair.

Performance to Savor: Ruth Gordon
Memorable Moment: Ring in lake

76. The Big Lebowski (1998) D: Joel Coen

I imagine that every single one of the people who read this blog have seen this movie. I also imagine that they all hold it in some regard. Therefore, no explanation of why I like it is necessary. You already know, man. That was a lazy-ass comment on my part.

Performance to Savor: John Turturro
Memorable Moment: Ashes in face

75. South Park: Bigger, Longer , and Uncut (1999) D: Trey Parker

South Park the TV Show completely boggles my mind. On the one hand, of the episodes I've seen, its one of the best written shows ever. They are clever, hilarious, and smart, with the appropriate levels of vulgarity and scatology. On the other hand, I never seek them out. I never try to watch the show. Even when I know a new show is on, and it just started, I still flip around. I don't know why this is. I would claim that I'm a fan of the show. But I don't really watch it. Who knows.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

124-100

2005-04-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

Getting towards the long awaited end. After today, all that will be left is the Top 100. Enjoy!

124. Sling Blade (1996) D: Billy Bob Thornton

Billy Bob portrays a retarded redneck. Not much of a stretch. Just kidding. I had never heard of him before this movie, and he entered my consciousness with a bang. A spectacular performance. Even here, as a dim-witted yokel, he just exudes charisma.

Performance to Savor: Billy Bob Thornton
Memorable Moment: None

123. 12 Angry Men (1957) D: Sidney Lumet

I'm not even sure if it was originally released as a play or a movie, but either contexts work. I know that I saw it as a play, and was fascinated. Hollywood should look to this film when struggling with the over-abundance of visceral stimulation on screen. All you need is good acting and writing. The character's in this movie don't even have names. The story is a compelling one, with thinly veiled condemnations of racism, classism, and group-think.

Performance to Savor: Lee J. Cobb
Memorable Moment: None

122. Adaptation (2002) D: Spike Jonze

I had pretty much given up hope for Nic Cage. I was convinced he had resigned himself to making terrible action movies and mindless romantic comedies. Then out comes Adaptation, where he reminds us of the excellent actor he could be. As close to an indescribable story/genre as there is, but a good one.

Performance to Savor: Chris Cooper
Memorable Moment: Door is open

121. Mystic River (2003) D: Clint Eastwood

I was flat-out determined not to like this movie. Its release coincided with The Return of the King, and I didn't want there to be any challengers for my affection at this time. I wanted to soley devote my cinematic energy into the One Ring. Even after seeing Mystic, I resisted its appeal. Denied its strength. Once ROTK had been out for awhile, and won all of its awards, I revisted Mystic, and much to my (non) suprise, it has an undeniable magnetism. All of Clint's tough-guy stuff is thrown in, with excellent performances particularly from Sean Penn and Tim Robbins.

Performance to Savor: Tim Robbins
Memorable Moment: None

120. The Fugitive (1993) D: Andrew Davis

Harrison Ford plays a hero...but a scared, frightened, and weakened one. A nice twist on the cock-sure rogues he had personified. He says maybe 20 words in the entire movie, but we are able to read him like a book. An example of subtlty the likes of which is rare in many action movies.

Performance to Savor: Harrison Fork
Memorable Moment: Jumping off dam

119. American History X (1998) D: Tony Kaye

I can't really think of anything to say because I keep thinking of that guy and the curb.

Performance to Savor: Edward Norton
Memorable Moment: Curb

118. Men in Black (1997) D: Barry Sonnenfeld

A sense of fun permeates the film, propagated by Agents Smith and Jones. A worth summer blockbuster in a field of mindless drivel.

Performance to Savor: Tommy Lee Jones
Memorable Moment: None

117. Kinsey (2004) D: Bill Condon

If you haven't seen this movie yet: DO SO! Condon paints a fairly loving portrait of Dr. Kinsey, whose research in to the sexual habits of Americans revolunized they way we talk about sex. Fortunately, there are elements of weakness, though they mostly weave among Kinsey's assosciates and family. John Lithgow reminds us he used to be a good actor before he was an alien.

Performance to Savor : Peter Sarsgaard
Memorable Moment: Meeting with the sexaholic

116. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004) D: Kerry Conran

I understand why audiences didn't flock to this...though I don't agree with it. The public isn't quite ready to accept a live action movie filmed entirely against blue-screen. In fact, I'd wager that if that wasn't known about this flick, it would've made more money. Silly, I know, but we've all agreed that the American public is quite silly.

Performance to Savor: Jude Law
Memorable Moment: Robots in NYC

115. Collateral (2004) D: Michael Mann

I didn't have much of a desire to see this, as I felt the premise didn't lead itself to a quality feature-length motion picture. Boy, was I wrong. Mann uses digital photography brilliantly, and he makes LA glow. Tom Cruise overacts a bit, but he's solid as the hit man. But, this is the Jamie Foxx show. His understated confidence throughout the flick makes all the difference in the world.

Performance to Savor: Jamie Foxx
Memorable Moment: None

114. Beauty and the Beast (1991) D: Gary Trousdale

I think this was the first time animators used computers to enhance their project...though there really was no need. Truly a classic.

Performance to Savor: Robby Benson
Memorable Moment: Beast saves Belle in the snow

113. L.A. Confidential (1997) D: Curtis Hanson

A great modern noir, augmented by nice performances by all involved. The cast really gets into the time period and setting, which adds to the versimilitude. Russell Crowe sets out on his path to stardom

Performance to Savor: Russell Crowe
Memorable Moment: None

112. Big Fish (2003) D: Tim Burton

In the end, Tim Burton's best movie wasn't the one that was the darkest, the creepiest, the atmospheriest, the spookiest, the weirdest, the star-studdiest, the adapted comic bookiest...it was just simply, the best.

Performance to Savor: Albert Finney
Memorable Moment: The Giant's cave

111. True Lies (1994) D: James Cameron

When Jamie Lee Curties drops the machine gun down the stairs, and it proceeds to accurately shoot every bad guy in the area, this is James Cameron winking at the audience and telling us to lighten up a little bit. The movie is proposterous and rediculous, and completely entertaining. I loved the middle chapter where Arnold uses his espionage talents to follow his wife.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Gun falling down stairs

110. Happiness (1998) D: Todd Solondz

How clever is Todd Solondz? He makes us sympathize with a child molester. You figure it out.

Performance to Savor: Dylan Baker
Memorable Moment: Masturbation on balcony

109. Run Lola Run (1998) D: Tom Tykwer

About as high a concept as a high concept film gets. Woman needs $100,000 and has 20 minutes to do so. Tykwer directs with reckless abandon, but I can't see any other way to tell this story.

Performance to Savor: Franka Potente
Memorable Moment: None

108. Whale Rider (2003) D: Niki Caro

Absorbing tale of a young maori girl, born to a loving but always-travelling father and an "old ways" grandfather. Excellent look at the role of modern womanism/feminism in the face of traditional tribal values.

Performance to Savor: Keisha Castle-Hughes
Memorable Moment: Beached whale

107. Do the Right Thing (1989) D: Spike Lee

Lee's best movie, easily...though I'm not exactly an expert. I got nothin' else.

Performance to Savor: Spike Lee
Memorable Moment: None

106. The Birds (1963) D: Alfred Hitchcock

Terrifying because the birds lack motivation. There is no reason for them to be behaving the way they are. We have no way to fight them, and the best we can do is just run. Excellent ending which doesn't resolve the necessary ambiguities.

Performance to Savor: Tippi Hedren
Memorable Moment: Driving through the stilled birds

105. The Swiss Family Robinson (1960) D: Ken Annakin

Every child's dream. Stranded on a mysterious jungle island. Build enormous elaborate tree houses. Fight pirates. Ride Ostriches on the beach. Befriend tigers. Except, oh yeah, the parent's are here too. Shit.

Performance to Savor: Janet Munro
Memorable Moment: Pirate attack

104. Trainspotting (1996) D: Danny Boyle

The movie which launched two careers...though Ewan's star is a bit brighter right now than Boyle's. Doesn't matter, hilarious movie, with easily the most disgusting toilet in the world.

Performance to Savor: Ewan McGregor
Memorable Moment: Dirty sheets

103. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) D: Terry Gilliam

Classic Python. The swallows. Your favorite color. The rabbit. Sir Robin. The coconuts. The trojon horse.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: The Knight who refuses to lose

102. Cast Away (2000) D: Robert Zemeckis

I had a hard time putting this movie so high. But, every time a kept trying to drop it, something didn't sit well with me. Sure the beginning and end are standard and boring. But think about what these filmmakers did: No lighting, no music, no sound effects, no extras, no supporting characters...nothing. For more than an hour its just us and Hanks. Remarkable.

Performance to Savor: Tom Hanks
Memorable Moment: Wilson floats away

101. The Rock (1996) D: Michael Bay

Whoa. I dunno about this. Fuck it.

Performance to Savor: Ed Harris
Memorable Moment: None

100. City of Lost Children (1995) D: Jean-Pierre Jeunet

Take it away Matty.

Performance to Savor: Judith Vittet
Memorable Moment: None

149-125

2005-04-12T07:49:00.000-07:00

Bangers fall. Life over. Psyche.

149. Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003) D: Robert Rodriguez

This movie was fairly panned by "critics" who "know" what they "are" talking "about". I really couldn't disagree more. Rodriguez was the artistic force behind every filmmaking element (editing, directing, music, etc...) and his enthusiasm comes through the celluloid. Completely over the top in every way, but a whole hell of a lot of fun.

Performance to Savor: Johnny Depp
Memorable Moment: Knee blow-out

148. Chasing Amy (1997) D: Kevin Smith

Smith's most grown up movie. Well, it deals with grown-up themes at least. He still relies on dick and fart jokes, but they are well integrated in to the story. An interesting denoument refreshens a tale that was about to go stale.

Performance to Savor: Joey Lauren Adams
Memorable Moment: On the swings

147. Full Metal Jacket (1987) D: Stanley Kubrick

Without this movie, 2 Live Crew would be without one of its biggest hits. Essentially two seperate flicks thrown in to one narrative, the first half is one of the most memorable experiences I've had at a movie. Former real life army-man R. Lee Ermey chews apart every scene and spits it out on Private Pyle.

Performance to Savor: R. Lee Ermey
Memorable Moment: Private Pyle in the bathroom

146. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) D: Henry Selick

I saw this when I was eleven or twelve, and I remember thinking that "This is gonna be stupid. Its a kids movie. I'm grown up now". Y'know how young men are. Anyway, I found that kids movies aren't stupid because they lack explosions and boobs, and that story and a unique artistic vision are enough to carry a movie.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

145. White Men Can't Jump (1992) D: Ron Shelton

Vastly entertaining tale of street-ballers struggling to make money. The chemistry between Woody and Wesley is second to none. The writing and delivery is crisp, with realistic basketball scenes and rediculous painter's hats.

Performance to Savor: Wesley Snipes
Memorable Moment: None

144. Big (1988) D: Penny Marshall

Tom Hanks fulfills the fantasy of every young male in the country. What would it be like if I could do anything I wanted? Of course, we are fed lessons about responsibility vs. priviledge, but its a fun ride.

Performance to Savor: Tom Hanks
Memorable Moment: Nervous boob

143. Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1989) D: Robert Zemeckis

Revolutionary special effects and a workable combination of noir and cartoon make this a classic worth revisiting. Jessica Rabbit remains one of the sexiest characters of all time, despite her so called "non-existence". Jake(s), she's WAY hotter than Peach.

Performance to Savor: Jessica Rabbit
Memorable Moment: None

142. Paths of Glory (1957) D: Stanley Kubrick

I saw this movie in Hungary in a converted elementary school. The building was delapidated, and a perfect setting for this (as usual) exploration of the futility of war. Here, we find the ranking officer sacrificing his men for the sake of his reputation, with only Kirk Douglas to stand in the way. I particulary liked it because the end is probably not what Hollywood wanted it to be.

Performance to Savor: Kirk Douglas
Memorable Moment: Firing squad

141. Three Kings (1999) D: David O. Russell

I heart Three Kings. Beautifully shot in the scorching Iraqi desert, Russell provides an interesting take on the nature of capitalism in the context of war and oppression. Neither side is painted as particulary good or evil, but each with their own self-serving (though flexible) agenda.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

140. Philadelphia (1993) D: Jonathan Demme

Is that the guy from "Bachelor Party"? Is this movie automatically good because it tackles a "serious" issue? Of course not. Hanks and Denzel are at the top of their game (though D could lose the crappy mustache). Sure he won an Oscar, but Demme maybe could have lost some of the black and white characterizations.

Performance to Savor: Tom Hanks
Memorable Moment: None

139. The Professional (1994) D: Luc Besson

The best movie that Natalie Portman has been in. At least until Revenge of the Sith, but that at least has the benefit of a back story. This movie is so incredible in its pairing of a skinny little girl with a seasoned, grumpy hit man. Truly, its a love story without feeling dirty. We're given sexual chemistry without feeling cheap. All of the death and violence stuff is second only to the exploration of a man searching for some sort of connection with a world he left long ago.

Performance to Savor: Natalie Portman
Memorable Moment: Girl in the eyehole

138. Footloose (1984) D: Herbert Ross

Matty, I don't know how they learned to dance. How melodramatic is this movie? Kevin Bacon dancing in the warehouse is one of the most unintentionally comical scenes in the history of film.

Performance to Savor: Kevin Bacon
Memorable Moment: There is a time for dance

137. Minority Report (2002) D: Steven Spielberg

After seperate megastar careers, Cruise and Speilberg finally come together, and the result is outstanding. Supported by a fantastic story by Phillip K. Dick, we are treated to a summer blockbuster which dares to question the nature of fate v. free will. Ballsy, sure, but handled well.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: fate or choice?

136. The Bourne Identity (2002) D: Doug Liman

Matt Damon proves that he is the star, and Ben Ass-lick can go monkeyfuck himself. Sorry, some residual resentment built up there. As I mentioned with The Bourne Supremacy, this spy movie got back to the basics of the genre: stealth, secret bank accounts, and vicious assassins. Not a great adaptation of the book...which is good, because the novel had a lot to improve upon.

Performance to Savor: Matt Damon
Memorable Moment: In the water

135. Heat (1995) D: Michael Mann

Al Pacino and Robert De Niro in the same movie. 'Nuff said.

Performance to Savor: Robert De Niro
Memorable Moment: Meeting in the diner

134. Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (2002) D: George Clooney

The Charlie Kaufman movie that everyone seems to over look. Though its based on a true story, its still has Kaufman's unique sense of mind-fuck-itude. An impressibe directorial debut from Clooney.

Performance to Savor: Sam Rockwell
Memorable Moment: None

133. Dead Poet's Society (1989) D: Peter Weir

Sappy. Sentimental. Whatever. Robin Williams gives a bravado performance, and I am made to like a bunch of preppy private school east-coasters. There is some movie magic at work here.

Performance to Savor: Robin Williams
Memorable Moment: None

132. Ocean's Eleven (2001) D: Steven Soderbergh

When its obvious that the cast and crew had a blast making a movie, entertainment will spill out of the screen. I'm somewhat partial to intricate heist tales as well...though told with an element of humor.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

131. Catch Me If You Can (2002) D: Steven Spielberg

Much like Ocean's Eleven, we are on the side of the criminals here. Even more amazing is that this is based on a true story. Truly fascinating to see the level of genius required to succeed at impersonation and forgery.

Performance to Savor: Christopher Walken
Memorable Moment: None

130. Matchstick Men (2003) D: Ridley Scott

Would've been much higher if not for the awful, awful end. And I'm not talking about the end y'all didn't see coming. I'm talking about the terrible piece that is so obviously tacked on. Y'know, "one year later..." blach.

Performance to Savor: Sam Rockwell
Memorable Moment: On the rooftop

129. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998) D: Terry Gilliam

No plot. Cheaply shot. A bevy of unnecessary cameos. Made me feel stoned afterwards.

Great.

Performance to Savor: Benicio Del Toro
Memorable Moment: None

128. Apollo 13 (1995) D: Ron Howard

I was hoping Tom Hanks would win an academy award for his performance...not because I thought it was good, but because that would've made it an unprecedented 3-in-a-row (Forrest Gump, Philadelphia). A great and inspirational story of the "Most Succesful Failure in NASA's History".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Earth in the window

127. The Little Mermaid (1989) D: Ron Clements

Part of an unbelievable run for Disney animation (Aladdin, Beauty and Beast). No significant breakthroughs in animation, but they weren't necessary. The songs are memorable, as is the simple story.

Performance to Savor: Samuel E. Wright
Memorable Moment: Kiss the girl

126. A Little Princess (1995) D: Alfonso Cuaron

Magical. This story of a little girl, who is told WWII has orphaned her, yet still holds hope of seeing her father, is simply magical. The sets, costumes, imagination. Cuaron also made the best of the Harry Potter movies...coming up.

Performance to Savor: Liesel Matthews
Memorable Moment: None

125. I'm Gonna Git You Sucka (1988) D: Keenan Ivory Wayans

One of the first memories I have of Macalester (other than vomiting my brains out) is Brian recommending this movie. We rented it and watched in the Doty 3 lounge, on the no-sex furniture. Not ideal viewing conditions, but a hilarious movie nonetheless.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Cheap Pete

174-150

2005-04-05T07:30:00.000-07:00

Hello.

174. Jabberwocky (1977) D: Terry Gilliam

Perhaps forgotten and overlooked by history due to its apparent similarity with "The Holy Grail". Still classic Monty Python gags, replete with crude animation and historical accuracy.

Performance to Savor: Eric Idle
Memorable Moment: None

173. Donnie Brasco (1997) D: Mike Newell

Typically I'm not really in to gangster movies (no, I've never seen and of the Godfathers.) But, I thoroughly enjoyed this flick, buoyed significantly by the charisma of the two leads.

Performance to Savor: Al Pacino
Memorable Moment: None

172. Airplane! (1980) D: Jim Abrahams

Classis movie which, after Blazing Saddles, sets the standard for spoof movies.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Jive-talkin'

171. Titanic (1997) D: James Cameron

I could probably like this movie more if I didn't hold ill will toward it for winning the Best Picture Oscar, and James Cameron for his vain-glorious acceptance speech ("I'm the King of the world!"...whatever, dude.) But, a remarkable bout of filmmaking, cliches and all.

Performance to Savor: Billy Zane
Memorable Moment: None

170. Amadeus (1984) D: Milos Forman

Solid biography of a Mozart, characterized by Tom Hulce's goofball clown impersonation of the composing genius.

Performance to Savor: F. Murray Abraham
Memorable Moment: Composing in bed

169. To Kill a Mockingbird (1962) D: Robert Mulligan

Along with "Of Mice and Men", in ninth grade I was "forced" to read the book and watch the movie. Incidentally, both turned out to be great stories, some of my favorites.

Performance to Savor: Atticus Finch
Memorable Moment: None

168. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) D: Mel Stuart

Creepy and unforgettable, a less than ideal adaptation of Roald Dahl's vision (see: James and the Giant Peach), but a more engaging flick all-around. Good cast, great sets. Here's hoping Tim Burton and Mr. Depp only improve on this classic.

Performance to Savor: Gene Wilder
Memorable Moment: Boat ride

167. Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) D: John Hughes

This movie is the reason that Grace wants to do Matthew Broderick.

Performance to Savor: Matthew Broderick
Memorable Moment: Car crash

166. The Bourne Supremacy (2004) D: Paul Greengrass

Similar in title only to Robert Ludlow's novel. Which is a good thing. The book was boring, with wooden dialogue and tired pacing. The movie on the other hand, was frenetic, but controlled, with believable action and good acting.

Performance to Savor: Matt Damon
Memorable Moment: With the orphan

165. High Fidelity (2000) D: Stephen Frears

Matt-- you comment for me.

Performance to Savor: John Cusack
Memorable Moment: None

164. Brazil (1985) D: Terry Gilliam

Classic Gilliam. A bleak look at a "Big Brother-y" society, where automation and over-population rule. Dark. One viewing is not enough.

Performance to Savor: Robert DeNiro
Memorable Moment: None

163. Backdraft (1991) D: Ron Howard

The first R-rated movie that I saw. I stayed the night at a friends house, and we stayed up late and watched this without either of our parent's knowing. Very illicit. I wasn't exactly shocked by what was on screen, but I was very intrigued. When I first started thinking about my favorite movies...this was up there.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: On top of the fire engine

162. North by Northwest (1959) D: Alfred Hitchcock

Hitchcock at the top of his game in this classic tale of espionage.

Performance to Savor: Cary Grant
Memorable Moment: Bi-plane

161. The Terminator (1984) D: James Cameron

The role that Arnie was born to play. The less human the character, the better. Remarkably surpassed by its sequel, but this is still the movie that spawned a legend.

Performance to Savor: Arnold Scwarzenegger
Memorable Moment: None

160. Happy Gilmore (1996) D: Dennis Dugan

I didn't even really care for this when it came out. Just another dumb comedy. But then, I met Simmz, and we watched it again. And again. And again, and again, and again....I must've seen this more than any other movie. Eventually, it started to wear on me, and now....its hilarious.

Performance to Savor: Carl Weathers
Memorable Moment: Bob Barker

159. Dumb and Dumber (1994) D: Peter Farrelly

Probably the hardest that I've ever laughed at a theater. I was with a friend who had a great laugh, which made the whole thing funnier. Yeah, its dumb...but dammit, its supposed to be. Love it.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Snowball fight

158. A Simple Plan (1998) D: Sam Raimi

Enormous suprise. Grace was in Oregon, and me her and Kit wanted to watch a movie...we couldn't really decide, so I suggested this because I'd heard good things. Wow. Bill Paxton actually didn't act like an enormous cock. Raimi masterfully builds tension only using the prospect of riches as a devisive tool among friends. Taut, well-writted, well-acted.

Performance to Savor: Billy Bob Thornton
Memorable Moment: Fratricide

157. Edward Scissorhands (1990) D: Tim Burton

The first PG-13 movie that I was officially allowed to watch. My mom was out of town, so my dad and I rented this. We both knew that mom wouldn't be too happy, so we silently agreed not to tell her. One of the first instances when I knew that my parents weren't perfect, and I could use this to my advantage.

Performance to Savor: Johnny Depp

Memorable Moment: None

156. Hannibal (2001) D: Ridley Scott

As much as I wished that Jodie Foster would've reprised her role as Clarice, Julianne Moore filled her shoes nicely, and Clarice isn't what drew me to this franchise. More on Hannibal Lecter later. The end scene is probably the first time at a movie that I couldn't believe what I was seeing on the screen.

Performance to Savor: Anthony Hopkins

Memorable Moment: Dinner

155. Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events (2004) D: Brad Silberling

I saw this recently with Grace at the dollar theater. I had been meaning to see it sooner, but, not everyone shares my love of kid's movies. Even if you don't, you should definitely check this out. The production design and cinematography create the appropriate ambiguity for the tale. We could be in Victorian England, or modern New England...there are car phones, but the sheriff is referred to as the constable. Anyway, Jim Carrey is given a juicy role, which he of course sinks his teeth into. My only complaint, actually, are the kids. Perfect looking. Not great acting. Wasn't a big deal, the story was interesting, though the end was somewhat obvious.

Performance to Savor: Jim Carrey

Memorable Moment: None

154. Die Hard (1988) D: John McTeirnen

And thus, Bruce Willis was typecast for the rest of his life. Sure, he always acts hungover and tired...but here, it was at least new. Great action flick of the 80s, highlighted by explosions, big hair, bearded suits, business men, and crazy germans. Subsequent movies were compared to this, and often referred to as "Die Hard in a (fill in the blank)"

Performance to Savor: Bruce Willis

Memorable Moment: Walking on broken glass

153. The Matrix Reloaded (2003) D: The Wachowski Brothers

After "LOTR: ROTK" this was my most anticipated movie of 2003. I loved The Matrix, and I was positively ecstatic to see where the series was to go. You know what? Fuck it. I loved this movie...I was about to talk about the importance placed on SFX over acting and plot...but who cares. I thought it was bloody cool, and I want to see it again.

Performance to Savor: Hugo Weaving

Memorable Moment: Semi-crash

152. Finding Nemo (2003) D: Andrew Stanton

Suprisingly, I didn't love this as much as I thought I was going to. Or as much as everyone else did. Possibly one of the only times when a "kids" movie is liked more by my peers, than me. I don't know what it is...but I just wasn't feeling it. Of course, it was an unbelievable movie that I will watch over and over and over....so its really all relative.

Performance to Savor: Ellen Degeneres

Memorable Moment: None

151. Holes (2003) D: Andrew Davis

Based on the book by Louis Sachar, which is such an easy read I finished it in 4 hours. The movie doesn't quite have the same sense of allegory and overall completeness, but its close. An excellent movie for the whole family, with a feel-good story, and an appropriate amount of tragedy to go with the comedy.

Performance to Savor: Shea LeBouf

Memorable Moment: None

150. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988) D: Frank Oz

A fun little con-(wo)man flick, with an enormous twist at the end. Steve Martin and Michael Caine have excellent chemistry as two grifters who make a wager over a target. Its fun watching the crime unfold.

Performance to Savor: Michael Caine

Memorable Moment: Peeing at the table

Good bye.

199-175

2005-03-29T08:13:00.000-08:00

Today we have one insert, which means there will actually be 26 movies. Yay!

199. Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) D: Chris Columbus

Briefly: A sequel is planned...MD2. Terrible idea. An excellence confluence of script and acting talent. Give Robin Williams a decent excuse to run wild (Aladdin) and magic can happen. Of course, disaster can happen as well...but Columbus avoids that.

Peformance to Savor: Robin Williams
Memorable Moment: None

198. Jerry Maguire (1996) D: Cameron Crowe

One of Tom Cruise's most mature performances, which was rightfully recognized by the academy. No need to rely on elaborate productions and costumes...simple charisma and charm, as well as frailty and weakness, go a long way here. I know Cuba was given an Oscar...but I wasn't too impressed.

Performance to Savor: Tom Cruise
Memorable Moment: Show me the money!

197. Mulholland Drive (2001) D: David Lynch

Predictably enough, Lynch plays around with chronology and atmosphere in an attempt to generate a picture lacking in coherence, but stuffed with mood. An attempt to understand the events logically is to completely miss the point of Lynch's motives. He's not trying to tell us a linear story, but to rather share a feeling. A disturbing, upsetting feeling...but a feeling nonetheless.

Performance to Savor: Naomi Watts
Memorable Moment: None

196. The Man Who Wasn't There (2001) D: Joel Coen

I am convinced that this movie is based on "The Stranger" by Albert Camus, but I haven't met anyone who has seen this and read that. So...if anyone has done both, please verify my claim! For those of you who care, the girl who tries to blow Billy Bob in the car is played by none other than Scarlett Johansson

Performance to Savor: Billy Bob Thornton
Memorable Moment: None

195. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) D: Kevin Smith

Yeah, this movie was fun, and pretty funny at times...but I didn't feel that it had any artistic necessity. Smith pretty much gave in to the fans. Jay and Silent Bob were the best parts of his other movies, and people wanted more. So KS caved, filled it with stars, secured a decent budget...and this is the result. So, while its good, it doesn't seem to have much intrinsic value.

Peformance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

194. Rookie of the Year (1993) D: David Stern

Funky butt-lovin'!

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

**INSERT** Goodbye Lenin (2003) D: Wolfgang Becker

E-town and I tried to rent Napoleon Dynamite, but our little video store didn't have it in stock. So, we got this instead. I had seen advertisements for it in Hungary, but it never really piqued my interest. Don't know why...this movie was great. Basically, its the story of a family whose matriarch has a heart and attack and whose subsequent coma spans the fall of communism in Deutschland. When she wakes up, to spare her of the shock (and probable second heart attack) her son schemes to hide the truth of capitalism from her. This means transferring "western" groceries into "communist" packaging, to say the least. Is it better to know the shocking truth, or to live a lie and be happy?

Performance to Savor: Daniel Bruhl
Memorable Moment: Half Lenin

193. The Sound of Music (1965) D: Robert Wise

The gold standard of Hollywood musicals.

Performance to Savor: Julie Andrews
Memorable Moment: None

192. Amores Perros (2001) D: Alejandro Inarritu

Four lives intersect around a car wreck. Dirty, gritty, and unforgettable.

Performance to Savor: Gael Garcia Bernal
Memorable Moment: None

191. Superman (1978) D: Richard Donner

As usual, the original is the best. Enough back story to help us understand the Man of Steel, but not so much that the movie feels divided. Clever set up for villains in later films. Suprisingly good special FX. I thought Lex Luthor was supposed to be bald. (Kevin Spacey is gonna play Lex in the Superman remake.)

Performance to Savor: Gene Hackman
Memorable Moment: Back in time

190. Rosemary's Baby (1968) D: John Cassevetes

A true horror. No need to rely on a crazed masked murderer slashing horny co-eds here. Back to the basics. What has every society been scared of since the dawn of time? The Devil, or some manifestation of such. Cassevetes relies on creeping and mounting terror, rather than visceral schlock-fests. To what lengths will you go for success?

Performance to Savor: Mia Farrow
Memorable Moment: Conception

189. Darkstar (1974) D: John Carpenter

I saw this in 1997 at S.E.P -- Summer Enrichment Program, and I haven't been able to find a copy since. One of Carpenter's first movies, and in my opinion, one of his most enjoyable. He doesn't try to hid his small-budget, he exalts it. Irreverant and rediculous.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Space surfing

188. Jackie Brown (1997) D: Quentin Tarantino

That this is the lowest ranking QT movie on my list is an enormous compliment to his talent.

Performance to Savor: Pam Grier
Memorable Moment: None

187. A Boy and His Dog (1975) D: L.Q. Jones

In a bleak and nuclear-wasted future, a young man and his dog roam the landscape in search of...anything. Such is the set up for this striking flick. One of Don Johnson's first movies, and probably his best, A Boy constantly questions the of technology, social custom, and relationships in one's personal life. The conclusion is a bit out of left-field, but suprisingly effective.

Perfomance to Sovor: Don Johnson
Memorable Moment: Underground

186. Sneakers (1992) D: Phil Alden Robinson

A tight, taut caper movie...with a bit of revenge thrown in.

Performance to Savor: Dan Aykroyd
Memorable Moment :none

185. Blazing Saddles (1974) D: Gene Wilder

Laugh out loud hilarious. Offensive and racist, but in a Doty 3 kind of way. I watched this with Firuz and he didn't like it because the said n*g**r too much. Firuz! The filthiest guy I know! Anyway, I think Mel Brooks had an aneurysm or something at the end, because its insane, but the movie is just funny.

Performance to Savor: Marlene Dietrich
Memorable Moment: In quicksand

184. Fistful of Dollars (1964) D: Sergio Leone

I don't claim to like Westerns, and I didn't even really like this when I first saw it. But, I can't seem to get it out of my mind. I keep retelling the story over and over in my mind, and imagining the further adventures of the Man With No Name. Fortunately, they exist, as this is the first part of a trilogy!

Performance to Savor: Clint Eastwood
Memorable Moment: Final showdown

183. Jacob's Ladder (1990) D: Adrian Lyne

A disturbing and chaotic interpretation of the trials of a vietnam vet.

Performance to Savor: Tim Robbins
Memorable Moment: None

182. The Name of the Rose (1986) D: Jean-Jacques Annaud

A murder mystery set in a monastary, with Sean Connery as a sort of Catholic Sherlock Holmes. An interesting sideplot involves his side kick, Christian Slater. The fact that I even cared about whodunnit is a testament to the script and story-telling.

Performance to Savor: Ron Perlman
Memorable Moment: Monastic sex

181. X2: X-Men United (2003) D: Bryan Singer

Even as someone who didn't read the comics, I can still appreciate the relatively "unclutteredness" of this sequel to its predecessor. The characters are fairly established, and there's even some time leftover to introduce some new ones. Singer doesn't answer all the questions, and he evens raises some new ones. Hopefully Matthew Vaughn can keep up the momentum with X3. Oh yeah, who wouldn't want to date Mystique...she can look like anyone you want! How sweet would that be? Its like..hmm, well, see that cover of Maxim? Look like her!

Performance to Savor: Brian Cox
Memorable Moment: None

180. The Rocketeer (1991) D: Joe Johnston

You know how after a movie you se with friends you always end up talking about it? Not even necessarily immediately afterwards, but there's time spent recalling your favorite scenes, etc...Well, when we were younger Kit and I, would set time aside for this. One of us would be like "Hey, what're you doin?" "Nothin" "wanna come over and talk about the Rocketeer?" "Sure!".

Performance to Savor: Jennifer Connelly
Memorable Moment: On the blimp

179. Of Mice and Men (1992) D: Gary Sinise

There's a reason you are made to read this as a high school freshman. Its good.

Performance to Savor: John Malcovich
Memorable Moment: None

178. Tremors (1990) D: Ron Underwood

I love this movie. Everytime its on USA or TNT or something, I watch it. I think I've only seen the unedited version once, but it doesn't really matter. The sense of isolation is so complete, you know these characters can only rely on themselves and each other. Amazing.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Gun wall

177. Beavis and Butthead Do America (1996) D: Mike Judge

My Dad and I drove to Bend (the nearest town with a theater to Madras) to see this because we both loved B&B. When we saw someone from our church, we had to lie and say we were going to see The Cable Guy. My Dad is a pastor.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Hallucination sequence

176. Forever Young (1992) D: Steve Miner

Speaking of going to movies with your parents, the only time my mother condoned me playing hookey was win she pulled me out of school to go see this movie and then out to lunch. I was only 10, and this was a romantic comedy...but there was enough adventure involved for me to like it. Only not all the kissy stuff at the end.

Peformance to Savor: Mel Gibson
Memorable Moment: Reunion

175. The Cooler (2003) D: Wayne Kramer

A high-concept movie held in place by excellent performances. Alec Baldwin is terrific as an old-lion holding on to the old ways. W.H. Macy is lovable as a loser whose luck changes when he finds a woman who likes him. Amusing, sad, but ultimately uplifting...a must-see.

Performance to Savor: Alec Baldwin
Memorable Moment: None

224-200

2005-03-25T11:56:00.000-08:00

I'm getting kinda excited. We're approaching the end of T-Biggs. Well, the end is in sight at least.

224. Ken Park (2003) D: Larry Clark

Better than Kids though not by much. I saw this in Hungary, where the advertising campaign made the movie out to be a bit of a romantic comedy. Knowing Clark, I knew better, but the hungarians didn't. Imagine their suprise when we got to watch a kid strangle himself and masturbate (from start to finish!), a father fellate his son, and a young man get naked crawl on his grandparents, and butcher them with a kitchen knife. Very touching.

Performance to Savor: Tiffany Limos
Memorable Moment: Strangulation

223. Groundhog Day (1993) D: Harold Ramis

I wanted to rank this one higher, but among comedies, it doesn't quite have that transcendent feel. Still, a great movie.

Performance to Savor: Bill Murray
Memorable Moment: None

222. CB4 (1993) D: Tamra Davis

After Rock left Saturday Night Live, he was on a bit of a cold streak. This movie brought him back and gave him the confidence he needed.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

221. Pitch Black (2000) D: David Twohy

Like Neo for Keanu Reeves, the character of Riddick is custom built for Vin Diesel. Be big and menacing, show little emotion, say very little. He got lobbed a sitter here, and unsuprisingly, he knocked it out of the park. Otherwise, a refreshingly taut script that doesn't rely on action or FX to prove a point.

Performance to Savor: Vin Diesel
Memorable Moment: None

220. From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) D: Robert Rodriguez

This movie completely took me by suprise. The line between Tarantino's half of the movie and Rodriguez's half is so completely defined...its unbelievable. Pointless...but in a good way.

Performance to Savor: Harvey Keitel
Memorable Moment: Salma=Vampire

219. Back to the Future (1985) D: Robert Zemeckis

Haven't we already discussed this?

Performance to Savor: Crispin Glover
Memorable Moment: None

218. Ghostbusters (1984) D: Ivan Reitman

Only better than Back to the Future because of Bill Murray.

Performance to Savor: Bill Murray
Memorable Moment: Stay-Puft attacks

217. Independence Day (1996) D: Roland Emmerich

The first of my true "Guily Pleasures". I'll identify the top "GP" when it comes, but you probably won't need my assistance. These movies have no business being this high, but I just can't say that I don't like them. Sure they're bad, but, they're fun. And Will Smith's character's name is Hiller.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: White House blows up

216. Air Force One (1997) D: Wolfgang Peterson

More of a temporary joy than a lasting one. Won't be ahead of Back to the Future or Ghostbusters when I get older.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Sacrifice

215. Gangs of New York (2002) D: Martin Scorsese

Martin bit off a little more than he could chew. A tighter vision and screenplay could've bumped this up and least 50 spots. When I saw this in the theatre, some thugs came in, and left after the first 10 minutes. I think they thought it was actually about current Gangs in New York.

Performance to Savor: Daniel Day-Lewis
Memorable Moment: None

214. Sideways (2004) D: Alexander Payne

I wish I knew more about wine, but otherwise this is a solid little flick. Rock solid pic which will age (like its subjects) quite well. I see this moving up the list. Who knew Lowell could be so funny? Now he's the next Spider-Man villain.

Performance to Savor: Thomas Haden Church
Memorable Moment: Naked man running

213. A League of Their Own (1992) D: Penny Marshall

Does Bill Raimbeer coaching the WNBA remind any one else of Jimmy Dugan?

Performance to Savor: Tom Hanks
Memorable Moment: Splits catch

212. James and the Giant Peach (1996) D: Henry Selick

Claymation. Really the only appropriate way to adapt Roald Dahl's childish sense of surrealism.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

211. Heathers (1989) D: Michael Lehmann

Grace accused me of not liking movies she likes. Of course that's not true, and this is just the first of several to come.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

210. A Fish Called Wanda (1988) D: Charles Chrichton

The Monty Python group forays into comedy which is a bit more mainstream, but every bit as funny. Quirky and intelligent, the dialogue is sharp, and the pace brisk...that poor woman and her dog!

Performance to Savor: Kevin Kline
Memorable Moment: None

209. Manhunter (1986) D: Michael Mann

I watched a bit of Red Dragon last night with Grace. This is the original flick. Our first glimpse of Hannibal Lecter is provided by Brian Cox (Troy, The Bourne Identity, X-Men 2, L.I.E, etc...). He does a super job, though I wish I hadn't been tainted by Hopkins' bravado performance. I can't divorce my image of Lecter from Hopkins' delivery. Besides that, this movie wisely leaves a bit more of Lecter a mystery, which adds to his horror. Overall, a smarter film.

Performance to Savor: Brian Cox
Memorable Moment: None

208. All Quiet on the Western Front (1930) D: Lewis Milestone

Much like "Gallipoli", a scathing indictment of war time attitudes. We open with a group of young men, filled with a passionate urge to fight, only to find that the realities of war are far removed from romantic heroism. The final image is memorable.

Performance to Savor: John Wray
Memorable Moment: None

207. Crimson Tide (1995) D: Tony Scott

One of the things I remember about seeing this was that I had to pee basically for the whole thing, but at no point could I turn away. Excellent, muscular direction by Scott, and top notch performances by the leads yield a stirring film.

Performance to Savor: Gene Hackman
Memorable Moment: None

206. The Thin Red Line (1998) D: Terence Malick

Malick wisely uses ambiguity and a semi-dreamlike state to convey his attitudes about WWII.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

205. Ed Wood (1994) D: Tim Burton

A rare assembly of acting, directing, and photographic talent. Burton paints Wood with a familiar brush, without resorting to pot-shots and jabs.

Performance to Savor: Johnny Depp
Memorable Moment: None

204. Bound (1996) D: The Wachowski Brothers

Lust and sweat practically drip out of this movie. Full of atmosphere and mood, Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly are perfectly cast as pseudo-lesbian mobster scheming women.

Performance to Savor: Gena Gershon
Memorable Moment: None

203. The Limey (1999) D: Steven Soderbergh

Writer's block.

Performance to Savor: Luis Guzman
Memorable Moment: None

202. The Last Samurai (2003) D: Edward Zwick

I feel that this movie would have been better recieved (what am I talking about, the critics loved it...lets say by our generation), had it not starred Tom Cruise. And that's a shame, because what we have here is a finely crafted, well acted movie. I would call out the ending a little bit for ultimately being a "happy" one, though there is the requisite amount of loss.

Performance to Savor: Ken Watanabe
Memorable Moment: Swordfight in the rain

201. Face/Off (1997) D: John Woo

John Woo makes a big splash across the pond with this rediculous, ludicrous, silly, overblown, loud, unbelievable...masterpiece. Maybe that was a bit strong, but this is a great movie and a great time.

Performance to Savor: Nicholas Cage/John Travolta
Memorable Moment: None

200. The Prince of Egypt (1998) D: Brenda Chapman

Let's just say the songs are still stuck in my head.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: The burning bush

Jake says we're going to Costello's tonight.

249-225

2005-03-23T06:30:00.000-08:00

I'm on a roll, why stop now.

My tutors for this morning have both cancelled, which means I have nothing to do until 10am. If you're just returning to my blog, realize that I have two blogs already this week, so check them out.

249. Gallipoli (1981) D: Peter Weir

Great more for its comments regarding our attitudes about war than for its actual war-scenes themselves. Great use of the stark Australian interior.

Performance to Savor: Mel Gibson
Memorable Moment: Diving for bullets

248. Ace Ventura (1994) D: Tom Shadyac

When I was younger, my friend Kit, some of you know him, decided that it would be a good idea to watch The Exorcist alone, in the dark, late at night. He was scared to death, and even had to see a therapist. As a form of therapy, the doctor advised him not to focus on the horrors he had just seen, but to concrentrate on something which made him happy. At the time, it was Ace Ventura. So, he memorized the movie, and took to typing the screenplay from memory. What a guy.

Performance to Savor: Jim Carrey
Memorable Moment: Finkle is Einhorn

247. Die Hard: With a Vengeance (1995) D: John McTiernen

Bruce Willis returns as John McLane in this suprisingly effective third movie in the series. Not quite as iconic as the original, but some interesting sequences keep the character fresh. And hungover, of course.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: In Harlem

246. Coming To America (1988) D: John Landis

Back when Eddie Murphey cared.

Performance to Savor: Eddie Murphey
Memorable Moment: None

245. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991) D: Kevin Reynolds

Granted, Kevin Costner's accent is borderline unforgivable, but this telling of the classic tale is the best in recent memory. Maybe not quite up to the swashbuckling pirate of yesteryear, Errol Flynn, but definitely more suitable for a modern audience.

Performance to Savor: Alan Rickman
Memorable Moment: None

244. Star Wars: Attack of the Clones (2002) D: George Lucas

I think I like this one more in anticipation of what's to come than for its actual merits. We're finally starting to see some links to Episode IV (Jango and Boba, Clone/Storm Troopers, Anakin's hand, etc...), and that's what this new trilogy should be about. Only 2 months until Revenge of the Sith!

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

**Alright, this is it...we've gotten to the three star movies. Movies that I definitely like. Enjoy.***

243. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001) D: Chris Columbus

What's up with all the Alan Rickman love? Anyway, this is probably the worst of the three released movies, but its the one that got me hooked. I saw this before I had read any books, and now I'm addicted.

Performance to Savor: Alan Rickman
Memorable Moment: None

242. Life is Beautiful (1997) D: Roberto Benigni

Well, he wsan't annoying in the movie.

Performance to Savor: Roberto Benigni
Memorable Moment: None

241. Odishon (1999) D: Takashi Miike

From Japan, this is one of the truly horrifying movies I have scene. Miike wisely follows the golden rule of true horror: Make us care about the characters. Once care has been established, even a tiny needle can be terrifying. There is also a sense of ambiguity and chronological mystery, which enables the viewer to fill in the blanks about what might be happening. The torture sequence towards the end is almost unwatchable. Rent this movie. Its known as "Audition" in the US.

Performance to Savor: Eihi Shiina
Memorable Moment: Torture

240. Chicken Run (2000) D: Peter Lord

The makers of Wallace and Grommit give us this delightful little tale of chickens trying to flee the coop. Great voicework by all involved. Some suprisingly tense times.

Performance to Savor: Mel Gibson
Memorable Moment: None

239. Unbreakable (2000) D: M. Night Shyamalan

It was really hard to place this one. At first I had it in the 400s, mostly because I though Night was trying to out-Night himself with the "twist" ending. Then, I considered his excellent use of lighting and mood...but the script is ultimately so-so. I dunno. But, I can't say that I don't like it, and its definitely better than average...so here it is. This was one of the hardest.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Bench Press

238. Rudy (1993) D: David Anspaugh

I always end up watching this whenever its on TV. Yeah, its cheesy. Yeah, its melodramatic. But you just can't beat watching little Rudy get carried off the field.

Performance to Savor: Sean Astin
Memorable Moment: Carried off the field

237. Swingers (1996) D: Doug Liman

So money!

Performance to Savor: Vince Vaughn
Memorable Moment: Leaving too many mesages

236. Saving Grace (2000) D: Nigel Cole

A sweet gem of a flick. A recently widowed woman uses her green thumb to make money by growing tons of marijuana! Light yet touching, a must-see.

Performance to Savor: Brenda Blethlyn
Memorable Moment: Town gets high

235. Enemy of the State (1998) D: Tony Scott

For once it was nice to see Will Smith play someone who wasn't cocksure and arrogant. Yeah, he was a lawyer, but a scared one. Silly "happy" ending dropped this at least 50 spots.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

234. A Time to Kill (1996) D: Joel Schumacher

You can just feel the sweat. Set in the humid south, and featuring a murder's row of acting talent, A Time to Kill feels more like a play than a film, which is a testament to the script and dialogue delivery. The best of John Grisham's book adaptations.

Performance to Savor: Samuel L. Jackson
Memorable Moment: None

233. Ronin (1998) D: John Frankenhiemer

With the Bourne series, this movie is a spy/thief movie for those of you sick of extravagent hollywood-ish spectacles. Excellent car chases.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

232. Alive (1993) D: Frank Marshall

Due to its grisly nature, my mom said that I could only see this if I read the book first. She feared that the movie would be to sensational, and not capture the human drama which is the heart of this astonishing tale. She was right. But, the story is so compelling and unforgettable, that even at its mediocre-ist, Alive still outshines many a film.

Performance to Savor: Vincent Spano
Memorable Moment: First taste

231. Cube (1998) D: Vincenzo Natali

Like Mulholland Drive and Odishon there is an overriding sense of ambiguity and meaninglessness which permeates the film. Wisely so, as any attempt to explain these events would be unsatisfactory.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

230. Mary Poppins (1964) D: Robert Stevens

I never realized this when I was growing up, but Julie Andrews is hot as a nanny!

Performance to Savor: Julie Andrews
Memorable Moment: Chim chimeree

229. Red Dragon (2002) D: Bret Ratner

I feel this would have been better recieved had it not been a remake of Michael Mann's classic Manhunter. It's not as good as that movie, but consider the acting talent involved: Anthony Hopkins, Ralph Fiennes, Ed Norton, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Emily Watson, Harvey Keitel....that's unbelievable.

Performance to Savor: Anthony Hopkins
Memorable Moment: None

228. Get Shorty (1995) D: Barry Sonnenfeld

Travolta cashes in on his post-Pulp Fiction appeal, and is relatively charming in this amusing story of a gangster turned movie-mogul.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

227. Cool Hand Luke (1967) D: Stuart Rosenberg

Grace is right: Paul Newman is a stud. Many signature pieces here: eating the eggs, "failure to communicate", the mysterious man...well done.

Performance to Savor: George Kennedy
Memorable Moment: eating the eggs

226. Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) D: Francis Ford Coppola

A fine adaption of Stoker's book. Not an easy task either, given that it was written in the form of various character's diaries. But, Coppola nails the overall level of eeriness, without resorting to camp or unneeded gore.

Performance to Savor: Gary Oldman
Memorable Moment: Stabbing the cross

225. The Matrix Revolutions (2003) D: The Wachowski Brothers

Probably the weakest of the three, though that's mostly because of the poor set-up given by the third movie. I did like the trilogy, and a lot of shit that's been piled on to the last two is mostly a result of failed expectations. Sure, the Wachowskis had a chance to become forever entrenched in cinematic history, and while they fell short of that goal, they did successfully craft a unique exciting trilogy.

Performance to Savor: Hugo Weaving
Memorable Moment: The sky is blue

Have a nice day everyone.

274-250

2005-03-22T11:00:00.000-08:00

Two blogs in two days? Can it be?

274. Stargate (1994) D: Roland Emmerich

Trashy action pic which raises some interesting points about the origins of the pyramids. I won't lie and say that Egypt has always fascinated me, but I will say that I am intrigued by extra-terrestrial theories regarding the sophistication of ancient cultures.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

273. Garden State (2004) D: Zach Braff

The movie for "our" generation. "Our" meaning disaffected, drugged out, psychologically damaged, and emotionally unengaged youths. A fine first effort for young director Mr. Braff, and some genuinely touching scenes. I look forward to his maturation as an auteur with the hope that he will embue his future characters with some distinguishing qualities.

Performance to Savor: Peter Sarsgaard
Memorable Moment: None

272. He Got Game (1998) D: Spike Lee

Nowadays Jesus would just go pro.

Performance to Savor: Ray Allen
Memorable Moment: None

271. Erin Brockovich (2000) D: Steven Soderbergh

I feel that if I applaud Julia Roberts' performance, it will be percieved that I am only doing so because she displayed her *ahem* assets. Whatever, she did win an Acadamy Award (nomination deserved, award not...should've gone to Ellen Burstyn), and Albert Finney is his usual solid self.

Performance to Savor: Julia Roberts
Memorable Moment: None

270. Point Break (1991) D: Kathryn Bigelow

This movie is so underrated. Its got Patrick Swayze in his prime, Keanu Reeves just starting to get popular, and a super-grizzled Gary Busey. Set in the world of surfing bank-robbers, why don't more people talk about it? Pure adreneline and fun. Johnny Utah.

Performance to Savor: Patrick Swayze
Memorable Moment: Skydiving

269. Election (1999) D: Alexander Payne

Payne's best quality as a director is his ability to direct dialogue. He's able to make conversations seem as real as possible, without approaching documentary hyper-realism. That's pretty much all I wanted to say. Too bad he decided to cast Oz.

Performance to Savor: Reese Witherspoon
Memorable Moment: None

268. Kids (1995) D: Larry Clark

Not quite shock-for-shock's-sake...but close. Brian tells me this isn't how kids for jersey act. Thank God.

Performance to Savor: Leo Fitzpatrick
Memorable Moment: None

267. Office Space (1999) D: Mike Judge

A hated this movie when I first saw it. Mostly because I was an enormouse fan of Beavis and Butthead, and that's what I was expecting from Judge. When I didn't get it, I rebelled. But, this movie has a strong re-watchability factor, and once I stepped out from under B&B's large shadow, I enjoyed this comedy for what it is: A searing look at dreams, happiness, relationships, and work. That was vague and general.

Performance to Savor: David Herman
Memorable Moment: Beating up the printer

266. eXistenZ (1999) D: David Cronenberg

This was billed as "the next Matrix!", which obviously its not. I don't recall it having much of a theatrical run, and I myself only saw it on video. Nonetheless, it is quite the clever tale with a bit of a good twist. Check it out if you're in the mood for some a good sci-fi.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

265. Rob Roy (1995) D: Michael Caton-Jones

Worthy of the drink! (wait, is that good or bad?)

Performance to Savor: Tim Roth
Memorable Moment: The final duel

264. The Naked Gun (1991) D: David Zucker

Far and away the best of the Naked Gun series, long before Leslie Nielson wore out his spoofical welcome.

Performance to Savor: Leslie Nielson
Memorable Moment: None

263. Carrie (1976) D: Brian De Palma

The way that a Stephen King book adaption should be done. Most of the time, movies get too obsessed with including too much of King's books (which is easy to do), that they ultimately lose King's sense of impending horror. Here, De Palma rightly decides to strip the book to its bare bones, and sets the viewer on a collision course with its shocking finale. Truly disturbing...especially for anyone in high school who ever felt picked on.

Performance to Savor: Sissy Spacek
Memorable Moment: Covered in blood

262. Batman (1989) D: Tim Burton

Before Burton decided to out-Burton himself by making the hyper Burton-y "Batman Returns", there was this flick, where Burton amplified the atmosphere, rather than suffocating it. It remains to be seen what Christian Bale does with "Batman Begins", but so far, Keaton has done the best job with balancing Batman/Bruce Wayne, and keeping them seperate characters.

Performance to Savor: Jack Nicholson
Memorable Moment: None

261. Pleasantville (1998) D: Gary Ross

A truly unique idea, beatifully shot by Ross and gorgeously brought to the silver screen. Excellent use of visuals to communicate some social commentary about censorship and values.

Performance to Savor: Joan Allen
Memorable Moment: With the Ice Cream Man

260. Basic Instinct (1992) D: Paul Verhoeven

Before I start: they're making a sequel. So dumb. This movie is infamous for its interrogation scene, and for Verhoeven's filmography. But, it actually is quite the thriller, with enough pacing and suspense to keep you interested in the story, not just looking at Sharon Stone. Which is saying something. Kind of pusses out at the end.

Performance to Savor: Sharon Stone
Memorable Moment: The interrogation

259. The Goonies (1985) D: Richard Donner

They're making a sequel to this as well. So dumb. Filmed in Oregon. One of my friends in high school had a band named "The Fertellies".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

258. Nell (1994) D: Michael Apted

Shah-nay. Nay-sh-sh-sh-hay-a-nay-hay. Nay-a-shnay-sh-nay.

Performance to Savor: Jodie Foster
Memorable Moment: None

257. Say Anything (1989) D: Cameron Crowe

Ione Skye. Damn.

Performance to Savor: John Cusack

256. Shine (1996) D: Scott Hicks

You may not know it from looking at me, but I was once a serious piano student. And pretty good too. But, as with most males that age, I didn't think it was important, and gave it up in favor of more fleeting interests ( student government, parties, etc...) I wish I hadn't, and would like to some day continue my studies. That said, I have studied some Rachmaninoff, and his musical genius is surpassed only by his necessity to make everything he writes as hard to play as possible. The Rach 4 truly is the hardest piano piece ever written. Only 4 or 5 pianists have ever played it in concert. Others can play it, of course, but not consistantly well enough to do so on stage. Remarkable story about a man driven crazy by his obsession with this piece, and his ultimate redemption by it.

Performance to Savor: Geoffrey Rush
Memorable Moment: Conquering the Rach 4

255. The People v. Larry Flynt (1996) D: Milos Forman

Nothin' really to say. Its a good movie.

Performance to Savor: Woody Harrelson
Memorable Moment: None

254. Shadow of the Vampire (2000) D. E. Elias Merhige

When Grace came to Madras the summer after freshman year, we were, one night, looking to rent a movie. Usually this is a long and drawn out process ending only when one of us concedes. Remarkably, we stumbled upon this, which we both wanted to see, and were both happy to see right then. It was like the planets aligning.

Performance to Savor: Willem Dafoe
Memorable Moment: None

253. The Arrival (1996) D: David Twohy

Another diamond in the rough. Inexplicably starring an inexplicably good Charlie Sheen wearing an inexplicable goatee.

Performance to Savor: Charlie Sheen
Memorable Moment: None

252. Billy Budd (1962) D: Peter Ustinov

Terrence Stamp's first movie as the young angelic Billy Budd. I once wrote an entire paper analyzing this movie, but I won't bore you with that now. Mostly its about the loss of innocence and role of corporeal punishment.

Performance to Savor: Robert Ryan
Memorable Moment: None

251. The Secret of Roan Inish (1994) D: John Sayles

Magical.

Performance to Savor: Jeni Courteny
Memorable Moment: None

250. Waterworld (1995) D: Kevin Reynolds

Not all that great, mostly relative to budget and Costner's inability to succesfully execute an epic not called "Dances With Wolves". But, everytime its on TV I find myself watching it, and can't, in good faith deny that I enjoy it.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Bungee jump

299-275

2005-03-21T09:02:00.000-08:00

I'm an idiot. Just so you know.

We've finally gotten to movies that are 2.5 stars, which means they are better than average, which means I "like" them. This'll make them a bit easier to discuss, though I'm putting a bit more on the line by labeling movies that I like...I'm more open to criticism. That's ok, I totally understand how people react to different movies in different ways. Thanks, Captain Obvious. What do y'all think? Is it ballsier to say you don't like a movie that everyone likes, or to say you like a movie that everyone dislikes. I'm gonna go with like a movie that everyone dislikes.

299. The Negotiator (1998) D: F. Gary Gray

Gray coaxes virtuoso performances out of Kevin Spacey and Sam Jackson, though S-Jax could have used a bit more subtlety. A solid little pic, which uses its action sparingly, and mostly only to advance the complex, yet followable, plotline.

Performance to Savor: Kevin Spacey
Memorable Moment: None

298. Pretty Woman (1990) D: Garry Marshall

I didn't realized how much I liked this movie until I watched it post-pubescence. At a young age, this seems so mind-bendingly girly that even mentioning it as a good movie would result in a noogie or a wedgie. Fortunately, I've grown past that phase (barely), and I'm now able to recognize "Pretty Woman" for what it is. A well-written character study of how love and personality can overcome place and position in society.

Performance to Savor: Julia Roberts
Memorable Moment: Trying on new clothes

297. Traffic (2000) D: Steven Soderbergh

Well, here we go. I've ventured in to the arena of someone else's favorites (Jake(s)). I knew this would happen. I could put this higher, but I just can't accept the different places, different characters, different plot style. I've mentioned this before, and I'll say it again. Pick something and go with it. I appreciate the style and tone of each individual piece, but I just wish Soderbergh had focused his scope a bit tighter.

Performance to Savor: Benicio Del Toro
Memorable Moment: None

296. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) D: Chris Columbus

Jake'll probably tackle me for ranking this above his beloved Traffic. And I would totally understand. But...I've read all the books so far, and it is quite a compelling story. The movie adaptions have been decent, with only the third being a great stand-alone. Emma Watson is a little gem. I like kids movie, remember?

Performance to Savor: Jason Isaacs
Memorable Moment: None

295. The Doctor (1991) D: Randa Haines

Like "Pretty Woman" this is another one of those movies that requires a certain level of maturity and life experience to appreciate. Not that I have either of those, but enough to glean some small level of enjoyment.

Performance to Savor: William Hurt
Memorable Moment: None

294. Spaceballs (1987) D: Mel Brooks

May the "Schwarz" be with you! A suprisingly effective use of Rick Moranis in comedy, without resorting to his cliched nerditude. Utilizing it, not amplifying it.

Performance to Savor: John Candy
Memorable Moment: With Yogurt

293. Scream (1996) D: Wes Craven

Before the franchise becamse self-referential about itself being self-referential, there was the original, which spawned numerous cheap imitations. Witty and clever (it was, you know it), the horror movies we see today are a direct result of the success of this movie.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

292. The Italian Job (2003) D: F. Gary Gray

Wow, FGG gettin' it done. No one really expected this remake to be any good, but Gray wisely kept it light and fun, while infusing a bit of humanity into the potentially cardboard cutout leads. Marky-Mark continues to play essentially the same guy, but he does it well here.

Performance to Savor: Jason Statham
Memorable Moment: None

291. Lord of the Flies (1990) D: Harry Hook

Poorly shot. Poorly acted. Poorly written. Why so high then? As a young man, and other formerly young men would agree with, I often fantasized about the prospect of being trapped on an island with no adults, and no responsiblities. My fantasies always ended in success. "Lord of the Flies" changed all of that.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

290. Almost Famous (2000) D: Cameron Crowe

I got more out of the "Young-man-in-life-changing-experience" then I did out of the musical setting.

Performance to Savor: Billy Crudup
Memorable Moment: None

289. Mission: Impossible (1996) D: Brian DePalma

What can I say? I love Tom Cruise.

Performance to Savor: Tom Cruise
Memorable Moment: In the Chunnel

288. Eraser (1996) D: Chuck Russell

A middle of the road Schwarzenegger flick. Definitely not in the Pantheon (T2, Commando, Total Recall), but better than shit like Junior and the 6th Day.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

287. Joe Versus the Volcano (1990)

Whenever people say Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, they jump Sleepless in Seattle, or You've Got Mail. Really, they should come here, because this is by far the best pairing of the two. Meg Ryan is truly outstanding in this flick.

Performance to Savor: Meg Ryan
Memorable Moment: None

286. Ghostbusters II (1989)

Thankfully the gang stopped at two movies, because the with a third they definitely would have worn themselves thin. There are some rehashed gags here, and the social commentary is a bit ham-handed. But, its all in good fun, and Bill Murray is a comedic god.

Performance to Savor: Bill Murray
Memorable Moment: None

285. A Bug's Life (1998) D: John Lasseter

Pixar get's its legs underneath itself.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

284. What About Bob? (1991) D: Frank Oz

Bill Murray is absolutely perfect in this tale about a phobic loser who "baby steps" his way into his psychiatrists life. Richard Dreyfuss is in fine form as well as the asshole doctor whose life is turned miserable. The doc is tormented, but he mostly deserves it. The end kind of goes of the deep end, but, whatever.

Performance to Savor: Bill Murray
Memorable Moment: None

283. Don't Be A Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in The Hood (1995) D: Paris Barclay

Some genuinely funny moments, though no deep belly laughs which are required for a higher ranking. Satire is best done subtley, which would've gone a long way here.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

282. Billy Madison (1995) D: Tamra Davis

My criteria for liking movies are completely arbitrary. Its hard to mathematically describe what will make a movie good, and what won't. For example, I could laud a movie for its lightness and fun (umm...Billy Madison), then in another instance condescend one for it (Don't Be a Menace). I guess I'm saying that I don't really know what I'm talking about. I just like watching Billy Madison. I think it is funny.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Kid under water hose

281. Wet Hot American Summer (2001) D: David Wain

Huge diamond in the rough. From the guys who made "The State", which I vaguely remember watching in anticipation of Beavis and Butt-head. I excpected next to nothing from this comedy, and was rewarded with two hours of genuine amusement. Check it out.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Trip to town

280. A Christmas Story (1983) D: Bob Clark

The christmas movie that is on every year. Y'know, the one where the kid wants the BB gun. When and how did this become such a cult classic? Probably because pretty much everyone can identify with young Ralphie. What a weird little flick.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

279. It's A Wonderful Life (1946) D: Frank Capra

Ahh, a true classic. I guess. Its not really as good as you remember it. Sure, its been imitated countless time, so I give it props for originality. Solid, but not that rewatchable.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

278. Moulin Rouge! (2001) D: Baz Luhrman

The most suprising thing for me to learn about this movie was that Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman sang all of their own songs. Very impressive. I especially liked the showy show-show versions of modern pop songs, like "Smells Like Teen Spirit".

Performance to Savor: Nicole Kidman
Memorable Moment: None

277. Beetlejuice (1988) D: Tim Burton

Quirky and original, this movie reminds us what kind of actor Michael Keaton could be. Compare that to what he actually is. Great.

Performance to Savor: Michael Keaton
Memorable Moment: None

276. Last Man Standing (1996) D: Walter Hill

A remake of a Kirosawa flick which I haven't seen, this is nonetheless worthy on its own merit. Bruce Willis is at his Bruce Williest (acting hungover), but the direction is top notch. Who the hell is Walter Hill? Christopher Walken also turns in a bravado performance. Of course he does.

Performance to Savor: Christopher Walken
Memorable Moment: None

275. Meet the Parents (2000) D: Jay Roach

This movie came out at the perfect time in Ben Stiller's career. He had built up some cult popularity, his comedic timing was coming around, then blam! he scores Robert DeNiro, and all of a sudden we have a hit. Now, he's everywhere and he sucks.

Performance to Savor: Robert DeNiro
Memorable Moment: Take you down to chinatown

399-300

2005-03-11T11:50:00.000-08:00

Yeah, you read the title right. I'm gonna bust out a hundred of these bad boys today. I've decided to take multiple pieces of advice, and just create an enormous list, without all the comments. I'll comment if something particularly strikes me, but otherwise, it won't be quite as in depth.

399. No Escape (1994) D: Martin Cambell
398. Thinner (1996) D: Tom Holland
Stephen King book. Didn't quite work. Good ending
397. The Birdcage (1996) D: Mike Nichols
Marks for Robin Williams as straight man. Well, gay.
396. Out of Sight (1998) D: Steven Soderbergh
This and Selenda are the only watchable J. Lo movies.
395. The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999) D: Anthony Minghella
Overrated.
394. Witness (1985) D: Peter Weir
393. Hook (1991) D: Steven Spielberg
Not as good as you remember it.
392. U-571 (2000) D: Jonathan Mostow
391. Jaws 2 (1978) D: Jeannot Szwarc
Not as bad as you'd expect.
390. A Beautiful Mind (2001) D: Ron Howard
Only this high because its about a mathematician. Otherwise boring.
389. The Thomas Crown Affair (1999) D: John McTiernen
388. The Blair Witch Project (1999) D: Daniel Myrick
The best advertising campaign ever.
387. Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993) D: Mel Brooks
386. Airplane II (1982) D: Ken Finkleman
385. The Others (2001) D: Alejandro Amenabar
The Sixth Sense wannabe.
384. Scary Movie (2000) D: Keenan Ivory Wayans
383. Back to the Future Part III (1990) D: Robert Zemeckis
382. Armageddon (1998) D: Michael Bay
381. Twister (1996) D: Jan De Bont
380. Turner and Hooch (1989) D: Roger Spottiswoode
379. Jurassic Park: The Lost World (1997) D: Steven Spielberg
Only by association.
378. The Wizard (1989) D: Todd Holland
How pumped were you when they unleashed Mario 3?
377. The Peacemaker (1997) D: Mimi Leder
376. Executive Decision (1996) D: Stuard Baird
375. Primal Fear (1996) D: Gregory Hoblit
374. Contact (1997) D: Robert Zemeckis
373. Cold Mountain (2003) D: Anthony Minghella
Dull.
372. Innerspace (1987) D: Joe Dante
Martin Short.
371. The Prince of Tides (1991) D: Barbara Streisand
370. Tin Cup (1996) D: Ron Shelton
369. Unfaithful (2002) D: Adrian Lyne
Diane Lane is a walking wet dream.
368. The Good Son (1993) D: Joseph Ruben
Compelling. Kinda.
367. Jackass: The Movie (2002) D: Jeff Tremaine
The hardest I've laughed since Dumb and Dumber. But I was stoned.
366. Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999) D: Jay Roach
365. Cliffhanger (1993) D: Renny Harlin
364. The Fifth Element (1997) D: Luc Besson
Higher if not for Chris Tucker.
363. The Searchers (1956) D: John Ford
A Classic.
362. The Game (1997) D: David Fincher
361. The American President (1995) D: Aaron Sorkin
360. The Fully Monty (1997) D: Peter Cattaneo
359. Dead Calm (1989) D: Phillip Noyce
358. The Devil's Own (1997) D: Alan J. Pakula
357. Men Don't Leave (1990) D: Paul Brickman
356. Mean Girls (2004) D: Mark S. Waters

Well, that's the end of the 2 star movies. Now, (TRUMPET) on to the 2 and a half stars!

355. Hit! (1973) D: Sidney J. Furie
Just look at the cover.
354. Hamlet (1990) D: Franco Zeffirelli
Overacted.
353. October Sky (1999) D: Joe Johnston
352. Chicago (2003) D: Rob Marshall
351. National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon (1993) D: Gene Quintano
350. Varsity Blues (1999) D: Brian Robbins
349. Funny Bones (1995) D: Peter Chelsom
348. Austin Powers (1997) D: Jay Roach
347. Preadator (1987) D: John McTiernen
346. Kingpin (1996) D: The Farrelly Brothers
345. X-Files (1998) D: Rob Bowman
344. A.I. (2001) D: Steven Spielberg
Wish Kubrick was still alive to make this.
343. Labyrinth (1986) D: Jim Henson
Sorry, Matty.
342. Mission: Impossible II (2000) D: John Woo
John Woo imitates American Directors imitating American John Woo imitating Hong Kong John Woo.
341. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (1990) D: Tom Stoppard
340. Karate Kid, Part II (1986) D: John G. Avildsen
339. Miracle on 34th Street (1947) D: George Seaton
Maureen O'Hara is so hot.
338. Benny Joon (1993) D: Jeremiah Chechick
337. Above the Rim (1994) D: Jeff Pollack
336. Grosse Point Blank (1997) D: George Armitage
335. Magnolia (1999) P.T. Anderson
Anderson hits us over the head with subtleties.
334. Novocaine (2001) D: David Atkins
A diamond in the rough.
333. Igby Goes Down (2002) D: Burr Steers
Likewise.
332. Bad Boys (1995) D: Michael Bay
331. The Running Man (1987) D: Paul Michael Glaser
330. The Brotherhood of the Wolf (2002) D: Christophe Gans
329. The Perfect Storm (2000) D: Wolfgang Peterson
328. The Naked Gun 2 1/2 (1991) D: David Zucker
327. Mallrats (1995) D: Kevin Smith
326. Saw (2004) D: James Wan
A lot of people didn't like. I liked the end.
325. Saved! (2004) D: Brian Dannelly
A really well made movie. I can't give it much higher, simply because it has Mandy Moore, but an excellent satire, skewering fundamental christians, as well as agnosticism, athiesm, and secularity. A lot for everyone, with an ultimate message I can agree with.
324. The Truman Show (1998) D: Peter Weir
323. Monsters, Inc. (2001) D: Peter Doctor
I only saw this when I was drunk, so this spot is flexible.
322. American Pie (1999) D: Paul Weitz
321. Pumpkin (2002) D: Anthony Abrams
A perky cheerleader falls for a wheelchair-bound retard. Excellent.
320. Troy (2004) D: Wolfgang Peterson
Overblown.
319. Phone Booth (2003) D: Joel Schumacher
318. Finding Forrester (2000) D: Gus Van Sant
317. E.T (1982) D: Steven Spielberg
316. Rush Hour (1998) D: Bruce Ratner
That's not a misprint. I liked Rush Hour more than E.T. In spite of Chris Tucker.
315. The Good Girl (2002) D: Miguel Arteta
314. My Cousin Vinny (1992) D: Jonathan Lynn
313. Wonder Boys (2000) D: Curtis Hanson
312. Eyes Wide Shut (1999) D: Stanley Kubrick
311. Awakenings (1990) D: Penny Marshall
310. Vanilla Sky (2001) D: Cameron Crowe
309. Master and Commander (2003) D: Peter Weir
308. X-Men (2000) D: Bryan Singer
307. Sleepers (1996) D: Bryan Levinson
306. Signs (2002) D: M. Night Shyamalan
305. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003) D: Jonathan Mostow
304. Old School (2003) D: Todd Phillips
I'm with Aaron on this one.
303. Galaxy Quest (1999) D: Dean Parisot
302. Matinee (1993) D: Joe Dante
301. Elf (2004) D: Jon Favreau
300. Bachelor Party (1984) D: Neal Israel

Wow. That was a lot easier.

424-400

2005-03-09T06:20:00.000-08:00

Asking someone to their face, "When are you going to blog?". Also hilarious is Larry Lee Ned stealing a laptop from a fellow airline passenger and then hiding in the bathroom. And being immediately cut from the Cardinals. Way to go. Tice scalping SB tickets.

Its been more than 2 weeks since I've posted from T-Biggs. Its not that I'm running out of steam...I really want to get to the good ones. The movies right now are just so dull, but not awful, that I can't trash 'em, and I can't praise 'em. Oh well, gotta keep chuggin.

424. Twins (1988) D: Ivan Reitman

Danny DeVito and the Governator are twins.

How do Brian and Aaron talk about movies so intelligently? That's awesome.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

423. Private Parts (1997) D: Betty Thomas

A movie with a suprising amount of heart. I don't know if I can give much props to Stern, since he's playing himself, but he definitely didn't take the approach that I though he would (i.e: tons of fart jokes). Some genuinely funny, as well as endearing, moments.

Performance to Savor: Howard Stern
Memorable Moment: None

422. I, Robot (2004) D: Alex Proyas

Has Will Smith ever played anything other than a cocky, somewhat rebellious, young man? This is a wierd book-to-movie adaptation. Not at all like the book, though what they put on screen is probably better than following Asimov's text verbatim. Have to take off marks for making the villainous robots so easy to spot. And they look iPods on iRoids.

Performance to Savor: Alan Tudyk
Memorable Moment: None

421. The Jackal (1997) D: Michael Caton-Jones

Richard Gere sports the worst Irish accent since Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future, Part III.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

420. Anchorman (2004) D: Adam McKay

As previously discussed, the joy of this movie isn't the viewing of it. Its the cannabalizing of the lines for your own life. I laughed much harder and deeper saying the lines and recalling the moments with a group of friends then I did at the theater. Maybe that's because I watched this on a rainy day with Jake "Pay for my ATM charge" Finkler.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Street brawl

419. The Santa Clause (1994) D: John Pasquin

I got nothin.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

418. BASEketball (1998) D: David Zucker

Enormous potential. This one easily could've cracked the 200s. Unfortunately, despite the belly laughs, it kept me emotionally at bay. The two main guys are losers. Sure. But, they aren't assholes enough to make me hate them, and they aren't good-hearted enough to make me love them. Perhaps actual ACTORS would've served the purpose. Trey Parker and Matt Stone need to stay behind the camera.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

417. Me, Myself, and Irene (2000) D: The Farrelly Brothers

Renee Zellweger sucks.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

416. Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003) D: McG

Ok ok. Not the peak of western civilization, duh. But...but, well, its just fun to watch. You get the sense that everyone enjoyed making the film. And dammit, them girls er purdy!

Performance to Savor: Bernie Mac
Memorable Moment: None

415. The Mask (1994) D: Chuck Russell

I like Jim Carrey, and I try to see his movies, but this one just doesn't stick with me. Sure, he's in full Carrey-form, but he didn't really try anything new here, like in "The Truman Show", or "Eternal Sunshine". Of course, experimenation isn't always good..."The Majestic".

414. The Wedding Singer (1998) D: Frank Coraci

Adam Sandler can be a solid and engaging actor when not being directed by Dennis Dugan. Unfortunately, I don't go to see Adam Sandler for a solid and engaging performance. I want him acting retarded.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

413. Clear and Present Danger (1994) D: Phillip Noyce

I saw this in Grass Valley, CA, with my aunt.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

412. Back to the Future Part II (1989) D: Robert Zemeckis

'nuff said

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

411. The Count of Monte Christo (2002) D: Kevin Reynolds

I'm not sure if I actually saw this movie. I watched it on Grace's old TV, and the screen was so busted that the dark cinematography barely showed through. It was basically like listening to a radio broadcast. I think we watched this while there was an enormous party going on at 1604. That's depressing.

Performance to Savor: Guy Pearce
Memorable Moment: Escape

410. The Curse of the Jade Scorpion (2001) D: Woody Allen

what?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

409. XXX (2002) D: Rob Cohen

After my semester abroad, I bummed around europe for a few weeks with E-town. He decided to leave early, so I had to bum around by myself. Somehow I found my way to a hostel in London which only showed this movie in their rec room.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

408. Maverick (1994) D: Richard Donner

Grace loves this movie. I can't believe Jodie Foster would do this, but then turn down Hannibal.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

407. Love Actually (2003) D: Richard Curtis

Shit, Grace loves this movie too. I'll just shut up.

(multiple story lines and not Pulp Fiction...you know what that means.)

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

406. Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995) D: Steve Oedekerk

The first was a classic. The second...well, we know how these things go. Obviously they were going to make a second based on the Box Office reciepts of the first, and obviously I was going to see the second one, and obviously it wasn't going to be as good. Obviously.

Performance to Savor: Tommy Davidson
Memorable Moment: None

405. My Girl (1991) D: Howard Zieff

My first real experience with true tragedy in a movie. And for that I harbor a bit of an (unfair) grudge. Otherwise, a solid little pic.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

404. As Good As It Gets (1997) D: James L. Brooks

Jack Nicholson won an Acadamy Award, though he was just coasting.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

403. Lady and the Tramp (1955) D: Clyde Geronimi

Ok, its a classic. When's the last time you sat down and watched it? That's what I thought.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

402. Under Seige 2: Dark Territory (1995) D: Geoff Murphy

Perfect for a 1pm Saturday afternoon movie on TBS. Awful otherwise.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

401. Mask (1985) D: Peter Bogdanovich

Anyone expecting Jim Carrey will be in for a big suprise. Cher wows us all, though this is Eric Stoltz' show. You'll never see that again.

Performance to Savor: Eric Stoltz
Memorable Moment: None

400. Hot Shots! (1991) D: Jim Abrahams

I should get back to work. Students depend on me.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

Frustrated Oregonians

2005-03-02T11:47:00.000-08:00

Alright, a non-T-Biggs entry. Mostly about sports.

I've just eliminated everyone from my readership except Jake(s).

The Blazers announced today that they will be firing Maurice Cheeks. I don't disagree with this move, as a concept, but the timing is lousy. Portland was featured in almost every trade rumor all season, and they let the trade deadline come and go without making a move. You're telling me that no one wants Shareef's salary coming off the books? Sure, the Blazers are loaded with overpaid undesirables, but the management has to do something. This team is going nowhere, and fast. They should gamble on their young guns (Telfair) and do their best to absolve themselves of elaphantine contracts (Stoudamire, Darius). They had that playoff streak for way too long. There is no way to win an NBA title without going through the lottery. Unless you're the Lakers, in which case you just spend for it. Think about it, other than the post-millenial Lakers, every NBA champion of the last umpteenth years has featured a superstar that they've drafted. Um...oh yeah, except the Pistons, but they're an anomaly. Jordan, Hakeem, TD, Bird, etc...

An enormous playoff run...and I'm talking 15 plus years (not 8,9,10) only inhibits the future growth of your team. The veterans get older, lose their trade value, the team becomes maxed out trying to support their contracts, and there is no one to pick up the torch, because they haven't had any quality draft picks....due to the damn streak. The Blazers and the Jazz of the two longest playoff runs in recent NBA memory...and how many titles did they win? None. None. None.

I know the Blazers are an impossible team to root for. I find it impossible to root for them 90% of the time. But every once in awhile, they put a game together that makes me remember why it is I became a sports fan. The "good ol' days" of Drexler, Porter, Kersey, Duckworth, Williams, Robinson, Young, Ainge, etc...aren't coming back, and I doubt Randolph, Miles, and Pryzbviflaa will fill those shoes, but, they're the only team I have to root for. I'm not into football and baseball as much, not because I don't like those sports, but because I don't have a "team" that I can get behind. E and Jake(s) always complain about the Vikings and the Twins and being a small market and this and that and this and that, but they would never wish that those clubs had never existed. If the Vikings are down, they have hope for the Twins or Wolves, or vice versa...if the Blazers are down, well, I have all summer to think about how they'll probably be down again next year.

I wish the team was different, I wish I had something to cheer for, but I don't with that they never existed.

Anyway, Mo's firing stinks. Let him finish the year. We're clearly not making the playoffs. Dump some contracts. Pick up some likable guys. Build fan support. Create a positive game experience. Draft some horses. Sign a marquee free agent. Start winning again.

449-425

2005-02-24T13:25:00.000-08:00

Ok, I've got my strength back. Time for more movies.

449. The Siege (1998) D: Edward Zwick

A servicable flick, billed as action, combining the considerable talents of Bruce Willis and Denzel. More of a thriller than a straight action movie, the plot would be far more pointed in a post 9/11 era.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

448. A Perfect Murder (1998) D: Andrew Davis

Well lit and photographed, though the acting is quite wooden. Especially Viggo. Gwyneth is just not a good actress in general, and Michael Douglas plays Michael Douglas. Predictable plot twists resulting in an unsatisfying ending.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

447. The River Wild (1994) D: Curtis Hanson

Hanson would go on to make "LA Confidential", so I can forgive him this. When I first saw the premise, I was somewhat confused as to how they would make an effective 'thriller' set in a river raft. Seeing the movie did not ease my confusion.

Performance to Savor: Meryl Streep
Memorable Moment: None

446. American Pie 2 (2001) D: James B. Rogers

I'd like to think I'm not a movie snob. The original American Pie was a good movie. The second time around, however, the characters seem stale, and I get the impression that their heart isn't quite in it. Duplicating the magic of an original is a gamble, and it doesn't pay off here.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

445. American Psycho (2000) D: Mary Harron

I haven't read the book by Bret Easton Ellis (sp?), so I allow that I am missing crucial elements. I have a feeling I will get a comment about the low ranking here (brian?). BUT...I've already discussed the primality I place on a good ending, and the lame one in place doomed this Psycho. Everyone seems to be on Christian Bale's bandwagon, but I'm still hesitant to get on. I'm such a weirdo. I like Colin Farrel but no Christian Bale. What the hell is the matter with me? Am I 12?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

444. Hellboy (2004) D: Guillermo Del Toro

Ooh...Several websites which I frequent had this as in their Top Whatever of 2004. I just don't see it. Again, lacking the expansion provided by the source material, I admit that my enjoyment is flawed. However, it is the filmmaker's responsibility to appeal to those who haven't read the comic/book/whatever as well.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

443. Apt Pupil (1998) D: Bryan Singer

I saw this when I was 16. Not yet ready to fully appreciate movies whose full emphasis is on character growth (or lack thereof). I fancied myself a movie conosuer (fuck it), but mostly this was for show...for my friends. I was attempting to distance myself from the broad strokes painted on high school students, especially rural ones, by allowing myself a fine taste which my pallete was not quite ready to experience. So...my judgement on this stands, but with reservations. (Not Indian ones.)

Performance to Savor: Ian McKellan
Memorable Moment: None

442. Blade (1998) D: Stephen Norrington

Wow, this must be the section where Alex stuffs movies based on graphic novels that he hasn't read. Great.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

441. Charlie's Angels (2000) D: McG

Anybody else willing to admit they'd rather watch this than, say, "Seabiscuit" or "Apt Pupil"?

Performance to Savor: Bill Murray
Memorable Moment: None

440. Clueless (1995) D: Amy Heckerling

Suprisingly rewatchable, given my penchant for distancing myself from deeply superficial, spiritually materialistic, pleasantly annoying people. But, there's heart here, and an element of sweetness.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

439. The Land Before Time (1988) D: Don Bluth

I saw this when I was 6 and I loved it. Don't remember a damn thing other than the main dude was a baby brontosaurus named "Littlefoot".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

438. Gattaca (1997) D: Andrew Niccol

Interesting vision of a future dystopia. Uma and Ethan are (gulp) well-cast, given their stoic demeanors are suited for the stark, sanitized, ordered world in which they live.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

437. The Naked Gun 33 1/3 (1994) D: Peter Segal

Liutenant Drebin finally outstays his welcome, and Leslie Nielson is forever cursed to appear in "Spoofs". Only remotely funny because of its ties to the original, much more classic "Naked Gun".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

436. The Dead Zone (1983) D: David Cronenberg

All of my earlier discussion about source material should be taken with a grain of salt. More often than not, reading the book only causes disappointment with the cinematic version of the tale. As is the case here, often filmmakers steralize the source for marketing strategies, only to find their celluloid mutation is almost completely without merit. Read the book. Oh yeah, Stephen King novels don't work on the big screen. (Rule #276).

Performance to Savor: Christopher Walken
Memorable Moment: None

435. Rules of Engagement (2000) D: William Friedkin

I watched this in Jake(s)' pimp sophomore apartment, after my pilot never showed up to the airport and my flight was cancelled. I doubt that I gave it my full attention.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

434. Men Of Honor (2000) D: George Tillman Jr.

This is a 'cheap' movie. I mean that in the sense that it doesn't have to work hard for your emotion, and thus, does not leave a significant impression. I could make a scary movie where all of the scares come from quick, sudden, loud noises, but true fear comes from a sense of suspense, terror, waiting...Here, your emotions are solocited through the tale of a black man overcoming racism in the navy, but it never truly takes its gloves off and forces you to notice.

Performance to Savor: Robert De Niro
Memorable Moment: None

433. The Terminal (2004) D: Steven Spielberg

More of a product of failed expectations that actual mediocrity. With such a pedigree, I expected nothing short of perfection. When confronted with the reality of the picture, I reacted negatively...perhaps unjustly.

Performance to Savor: Stanley Tucci
Memorable Moment: None

432. Half-Baked (1998) D: Tamra Davis

A classic, I know. I'm ready for the criticism. Let me just say: Dave Chapelle should not be allowed to make fun of white people. He was in "You've Got Mail". Think about that.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

431. Northfork (2003) D: Michael Polish

One of the most beautifully imagined and shot movies I've seen. Excellent capturing of the bleak eastern Montana landscape. Clever story, though more appropriately told in a short film. Feature length just does not suit the narrative here.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

430. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) D: Marcus Nispel

Grimy, dirty, sleazy, sick, wet, bloody, tattered, broke, ugly.

Performance to Savor: R. Lee Ermey
Memorable Moment: None

429. Death Becomes Her (1992) D: Robert Zemeckis

This movie won an Academy Award for Special Effects, and appropriately so, though the themes were entirely lost on my 10 year old brain.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

428. The Butterfly Effect (2004) D: Eric Bress

Alright. It starts Ashton Kutcher, and its not in the 700s. One of the more major suprises I've had. Actually, it handles the problem of time travel quite well, though the method in which it is carried out is a bit suspect. I really liked the ending, which is a definite plus. Amy Smart was not suited for this role, and I don't know why.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

427. Dawn of the Dead (2004) D: Zach Snyder

A one-trick pony, with plenty of fantasy elements to keep you happy. Unlimited access to a mall. Murder without guilt, etc...

Performance to Savor: Ving Rhames
Memorable Moment: None

426. Remember the Titans (2000) D: Boaz Yakin

Whoa, the Sports Guy would not be happy. Then again, well...there is no then again. He's pretty much better than me in every way. Maybe I should move this.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

425. Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)

The accent, clothes, jokes, villain....eveything, is wearing thin. How lame was it to have Austin's dad be exactly like Austin? Wouldn't it have been funnier if they were completely unalike? Then agin...I'm a math tutor in Brooklyn Park. What do I know?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

Hopes and Dreams

2005-02-22T14:10:00.000-08:00

No, my blog will not be that ethereal. Mostly just wishing that every McDonald's could be more like this.

Actually had to work today. I'll get back to T-Biggs later. Please, no one kill themselves with anticipation.

Interlude: Genre

2005-02-18T11:17:00.000-08:00

This is a somewhat difficult classification. I limited myself to giving each movie at most two genres. Naturally, there are cases where a movie has more, so I tried to give the two which I felt represent the movie the best. Obviously this is completely subjective, and perhaps open to as much debate as the list itself. Since a movie can have more than one genre, the number of total entries will be greater than the number of movies I've seen. Duh. As always, I'll list the totals first, then averages. I have to have seen at least ten movies from a genre for it to be considered for averages.

Most Viewed Genres: Genre (# seen)

18. Biopic (1) Yeah, this number suprised me too. But I don't consider "Ed Wood" and "Rudy" straight biopics, and I can't really say why. Just a gut feeling.

17. (tie) Documentary (2)
Religious (2)
16. Western (9)
15. Music/Musical (10)
14. Comic Book (13)
13. War (17)
12. Animation (26)
11. Mystery (30)
10. Fantasy (49)
9. (Tie) Romance (56)
Crime (56)
8. Adventure (57)
7. Horror (65)
6. Sci-Fi (72)
5. Family (76)
4. Thriller (109)
3. Action (170)
2. Drama (270)
1. Comedy (295)

Any of those numbers suprise you? I would say the #1 suprises me the most. I don't consider my self a "Comedy Movie" kind of guy, but it looks like I keep going back to those for whatever reason. Another possibility is that comedies tend to be shorter in length and easier to swallow, which facillitates watching them. From this point I decided to calculate which movie in my life is representative of the movies I've seen. Since I've seen the most comedies out of 770 movies (I missed a couple on my original list), then #385 would be in the middle. So I just looked for the comedy nearest to here and voila: "Airplane II". As a matter of fact, it is a comedy, so there ya go. What an interesting guy I am!

Anyway, just cuz I've seen a bunch of comedies, doesn't mean that that's my favorite genre, so on to the "Averages". Now, I've listed the #1 movie out of each genre, and the worst movie from each, but take that with a grain of salt. For example: "Shaun of the Dead" is the best movie I've seen from the Comedy genre. Does that make it the funniest? Of course not. Far from it. Its just the best overall movie. So...interpret this however you want. Mostly, though, we've learned that I'm a huge nerdy-nerd.

Remember: 10 movie minimum to qualify for Averages.

16. Romance (490.34)

Best: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Worst: Straight Talk

15. Horror (466.35)

Best: The Silence of the Lambs
Worst: Prom Night

14. Mystery (453.27)

Best: Memento
Worst: Darkness

13. Thriller (441.03)

Best: Silence of the Lambs
Worst: Turbulence

12. Comedy (438.30)

Best: Shaun of the Dead
Worst: Baby's Day Out

11. Family (425.30)

Best: The Incredibles
Worst: All Dog's Go to Heaven

10. Comic Book (414.77)

Best: Spider-Man
Worst: Daredevil

9. Action (402.14)

Best: Jurassic Park
Worst: Turbulence

8. Music /Musical (357.1)

Best: The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Worst: Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit

7. Adventure (346.75)

Best: The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
Worst: Mortal Kombat

6. Sci-Fi (341.15)

Best: Jurassic Park
Worst: Johnny Mnemonic

5. Fantasy (330.82)

Best: The Lord of the Rings
Worst: The Kid

4. Drama (326.73)

Best: Pulp Fiction
Worst: 200 Cigarettes

3. Crime (317.20)

Best: Pulp Fiction
Worst: 8 Heads in A Duffle Bag

2. Animation (269.92)

Best: The Incredibles
Worst: All Dogs Go to Heaven

1. War (163.77)

Best: Schindler's List
Worst: The Patriot

Wow. That was a little more than suprising. I never would've guessed that War would be #1 for me. I also didn't think that Music/Musicals would be so high. This got me thinking that we only really remember the best of a genre, or director, or so on....sometimes a genre will be better than another pretty much only if it has less "bad" movies. Alright, I hope this was exciting for everyone. Have a great weekend.

474-450

2005-02-16T06:08:00.000-08:00

Happy Humpday everyone! I'm pumped because Jake(s) found an apartment, and its quite close to mine...so I'll have someone to dick around with when E-town is completely panicking about school. On to the list:

474. The Shipping News (2001) D: Lasse Hallstrom

Two titans of modern cinema (Kevin Spacy and Julianne Moore) are well cast in this arresting drama set in Nova Scotia. Basically a character study of a man forced to deal with sadness in the past and present, this flick is beautifully shot and acted.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

473. Desperado (1995) D: Robert Rodriguez

And then he made Spy Kids.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

472. The Cowboy Way (1994) D: Gregg Champion

I've already discussed somewhat the transparent chemistry of Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes. Well, Woody and Kiefer Sutherland come in a close second. Shortness of script and vision are made up for by the good time the two obviously had while making this film.

Performance to Savor: Woody Harrelson
Memorable Moment: None

471. IQ (1994) D: Fred Schepisi

What is there to say? A romantic comedy which features Albert Einstein as match-maker. Shit, I figure if I spent all day analyzing the Riemannian curvature tensor, I'd be tempted to live vicarioulsy through my granddaughter as well.

Performance to Savor: Walter Matthau
Memorable Moment: None

470. Wild Things (1998) D: John McNaughton

Stylishly filmed film noir for the 90s, with more twists than Chubby Checker. The plot turns are a bit over done by the end, but I give the filmmakers credit for not leaning only on Denise Richards ample cleavage.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

469. Far and Away (1992) D: Ron Howard

An epic movie before Cruise, Kidman, and Howard were really ready to make epic movies. The passion between the leads is palpable, which hooks you in.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

468. What Dreams May Come (1998) D: Vincent Ward

E-town and I sat around all Saturday, and we ended up catching the last 3/4 of this movie. Compelling story and special effects, though the overall atmosphere lacks a little something. Maybe an element of depth needed to completely immerse the viewer in the gravity of the situation. And Robin Williams needs to stop the whole "laughing while crying" bit. It gets old.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

467. The Green Mile (1999) D: Frank Darabont

Frank Darabont: The Lord of Movies Based On Stephen King Prison Stories. Everyone loved this film. Except me. It was ok, I guess....but the entire first half of the movie just felt like a giant cinematic throat clearing. Such set up would be necessary if it paid off at the end, which it didn't.

Performance to Savor: Percy Whitmore
Memorable Moment: None

466. Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000) D: Joel Coen

The Coens let me down for the first time. After a string of success (Raising Arizona, Fargo, The Big Lebowski), they try a little too hard and come up a little short. I appreciate the cinematography and the supporting actors, but the main three rubbed me the wrong way.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

465. Play Misty for Me (1971) D: Clint Eastwood

Eastwood attempts to break type by casting himself as a Radio DJ who's in a bit of a spot with a psychotic listener. One of my mom's friend claimed that this was the scariest movie she'd ever seen, but Eastwoods acting (though not bad, just not appropriate for the role) completely breaks any suspense that might've been gained.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

464. The Patriot (2000) D: Roland Emmerich

Big budget hullabaloo with Aussie Gibson as an American revolutionary. Like Terminator 2 it condemns violence as it revels in it. I would've appreciated less black/white good/evil paintings of the two sides of the war. Surely not all of the British were sadistic sociopaths.

Performance to Savor: Jason Isaacs
Memorable Moment: None

463. Mystery Men (1999) D: Kinka Usher

A light comedy which spoofs (without the zaniness of, say, "Airplane!") the super hero drama. Not gonna win any awards for anything, but definitely worth watching.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

462. Pete's Dragon (1977) D: Don Chaffey

I started watching this at such a young age that its hard for me to now seperate my memories of the actual movie, and memories which I created about the movie. In either case, classic Disney tale of misfit kid and outcast animal. Though in this case the animal is a giant animated dragon.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

461. A Day Without a Mexican (2004) D: Sergio Arau

One of the more clever films I've seen in recent years. One day all of the hispanics in California completely disappear. Of course, this leads to such questions as what defines race, culture, heritage, etc... Worthwhile questions which seem just out of reach for the filmmakers to effectively handle. The end is predictable, and not that effective. Also, the impenetrable fog is completely forced. I would like to see this done with better production value, and about a month of extra thought put into the script.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: At the drive-thru

460. Scrooged (1988) D: Richard Donner

Another retelling of Dickens' "A Christmas Carol", though set in the world of blood thirsty TV executives. Suprisingly heartless, and though Bill Murray is quite good, he's better when the ass that he's playing is also lovable.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

459. Bicentennial Man (1999) D: Chris Columbus

An interesting case. I saw this, didn't like it at all, and completely dismissed it. Then, I read the original short story by Isaac Asimov, reflected on the film with added information, and it began to grow on me. More than I'd expect from Columbus, there are crucial as well as subtle elements from Asimov's tale thrown in to the movie.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

458. Liar, Liar (1997) D: Tom Shadyac

Oh, just admit it, you liked this too.

Performance to Savor: Jim Carrey
Memorable Moment: None

457. Batman Forever (1995) D: Joel Schumacher

Batman is desperately trying to hold on to a shred of dignity and distinguished darkness (wow, alliteration!), while Shumacher wrests it from his leather-clad fist. Bridging the gap between moody and campy, dark and giddy, this movie has a skewed vision, and far too much of it. Carrey and Jones overact, Kilmer underacts, and Kidman collects a paycheck. Fuck Chris O'Donnel.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

456. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (1999) D: George Lucas

Volumes upon volumes of internet space has been dedicated to the fanboy trashing of this movie. I'll try to be concise: George Lucas is a bad director. George Lucas is a bad scriptwriter. George Lucas made a great trilogy in the past, but those days are gone. George Lucas favors FX over emotion.

But, it is Star Wars...so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Bring on Ep. III!

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

455. One Hour Photo (2002) D: Mark Romanek

After "Insomnia" Robin Williams decided that he was capable of playing a villain, and though "Insomnia" was a much better film than this, Williams is far more believable here. He's a lovable loser at the local market, working as a photo developer. The movie has issues with editing, however, which hampered its ability to remain suspenseful. Also, the family that Williams becomes obsessed with seems too "Lets get the prettiest people possible" for me to take seriously. Romanek has worked for Nine Inch Nails, Fiona Apple, and others as a music director.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

454. The Recruit (2003) D: Roger Donaldson

A silly and hampered bit of filmmaking, concentrating on the CIA and their training techniques. Why, then, so high? Well, I don't know if #454 should be considered high, but I really like Colin Farrel. I don't know why. He hasn't been in anything that I particularly like, and he's definitely been in shit that I don't (Daredevil). But, I think he's got a lot of charisma, and this movie shows that if he can find the proper script to do with Mr. Pacino, the result could be magical.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

453. Zoolander (2001) D: Ben Stiller

Like "Anchorman" this movie is funnier once you've left the theater. Saying the lines yourself in your own personal situations results in deeper belly laughs than those produced by the actual flick. Sorry Sirens.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

452. Mr. Holland's Opus (1995) D: Stephen Herek

After "What About Bob?" I haven't been able to envision Richard Dreyfuss as anything other than an egotistical ass, and that definitely impaired my ability to enjoy this sappiness.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

451. The Beach (2000) D: Danny Boyle

Danny Boyle basically made a crap sandwhich. His last three movies: Trainspotting, The Beach, 28 Days Later. I just couldn't give this higher marks, despite the scenery and acting, because of the lack of a sense of conflict. Why am I supposed to care about these kids who have the ability to travel around Thailand and seek remote beaches....then feel sorry for them when shit goes down. By shit, I mean, "Oh no, god forbid someone else find our heaven on earth." Too self-absorbed for my tastes.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

450. The Witches (1990) D: Nicolas Roeg

A good adaptation of Roald Dahl's book. Has there been a more underappreciated author than Roald Dahl? Everything he churned out was perfect. Everything. From "The Twits" to "The BFG". Their definitely kids books, but they have adult elements, and they're not condescending. The stories are imagintive and unique. Damn, I should dust off a copy.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

Peace out, homies.

499-475

2005-02-14T09:14:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone! For those of you who think that Valentine's Day is strictly for the ladies and that men often get the short end of the stick, I refer you here. Also, E-town has finally started a blog, and I've promised to plug it, so here's E's blog. Anyway, I had a lovely dinner at Christo's with my remarkable girlfriend (Grace), though I didn't finish my food because I had done too much pre-eating.

The alumni match was fun, especially because they gave us free food, and I got to hang out with Herr Falk.

Werth had an enormous meltdown at Costello's, which mostly involved straight JD, and random guys laughing at him.

St. Bangers won, even though we have 400 people on our team.

I can't really write effective blogs, because I spend too much energy on the movies. Get over it.

499. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (1978) D: Ralph Bakshi

Only this high because of how much I love the books and the new movies. As a stand alone movie, it wouldn't even crack into the 600s. Awful, awful, awful. If I didn't previously know the story, I would've been completely lost. Basically, they run rough-shod over FOTR and TTT in a bizarre muscial medley, (which is actually about 25 min), then plunge into creepy songs sung by orcs. Just a bad piece of filmmaking. Imagine being a huge fan of the books from the 50s, then being stung by this abortion. Disgusting taste in your mouth. Then, 25 years later, PJ releases the best movie (not just LOTR) ever. How pumped would you be? Would you drink a bottle of Jaeger? *note the self-promotion*

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

498. Shining Through (1992) D: David Seltzer

This movie attempts to reconciliate women and the WWII/Spy genre. Suprisingly, it does it quite well. I can't give it higher marks because I can't stand Melanie Griffith, but there are some genuinely suspenseful moments, espicially in the hands of Liam Neeson

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

497. Teen Wolf (1985) D: Rod Daniel

Responsible for the proliferation of the "friend who is in love with the other friend, but the other friend doesn't notice, so they spend their time with attractive but insipid populars, only to realize the truth at the end" teen-movies. Done through the medium of the werewolf? Classic. But...I love basketball, and those scenes are handled so poorly, it pretty much just took me out of it. Kinda like getting nut-tapped. I mean...who jumps for a free-throw?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

496. Bruce Almighty (2003) D: Tom Shadyac

Granted, this was comedy, though not Jim Carrey's best...and granted this isn't exactly the forum for doing so...but I tend to prefer movies that actually say something, rather than blandly regurgitating the numbing political correctness of the day. On second thought...I'll introduce this topic later. This movie's just fine. Forget what I said.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Divine humping

495. Bandits (2001) D: Barry Levinson

A solid little caper flick, which unfortunately in the end has to resort to trite love-triangleness. But, Billy Bob is amazing, as is Cate. Set right in my backyard as well, and it was fun to see places on screen that I've been to.

Performance to Savor: Billy Bob Thornton
Memorable Moment: None

494. Pure Luck (1991) D: Nadia Tass

Its got Martin Short, and its still this high. Imagine how good everything else is.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

493. Mr. Deeds (2002) D: Steven Brill

While I appreciated Adam Sandler's attempt to break new ground and play a different type of character, this movie couldn't quite decide if it was a comedy or a romantic comedy or a drama (well, not that) or what. Better direction and a different star would've helped immensely.

Performance to Savor: Jon Turturro
Memorable Moment: None

492. Keeping the Faith (2000) D: Edward Norton

This movie wasn't very well recieved, because there wasn't a definable audience for it. Most of the younger public couldn't relate to the problems of a Catholic priest and a Jew, those of either faith were perhaps alienated by some of the methodological stances, and everyone else just didn't think it was funny. I, for one, found it amusing, and I applaud Norton's efforts to capture modern interfaith discourse in a comedic, modern, and timely way.

Performance to Savor: Jenna Elfman
Memorable Moment: None

491. The Fisher King (1991) D: Terry Gilliam

I really wanted to like this. Really bad. I love everything else that Gilliam has done, and given my blanket approval of this one, he would easily top my list as favorite director. (I know you can feel the "but" coming) But...I just couldn't get in to it. Gilliam is at his best when his direction is committed and focused. Be it fantasy ("Time Bandits" "Baron Munchausen") or Sci-Fi ("12 Monkeys"), he must have a clear goal. "The Fisher King" tried to bridge a gap between fantasy, drama, and comedy, and while a appreciate eclectic flicks, it doesn't work for me. Now, many critics will disagree with me...this is admittedly one of Gilliam's more mature works, but this is my list. So fuck off.

Performance to Savor: Robin Williams

Memorable Moment: None

490. Any Given Sunday (1999) D: Oliver Stone

The best thing to come from this exaggerated pickle is the realization that Jamie Foxx can have a career as a legitmate dramatic actor.

Performance to Savor: Jamie Foxx

Memorable Moment: None

489. Mystery, Alaska (1999) D: Jay Roach

Another movie seen only because of my esteemed status as a video store clerk. Not entirely without merit, in that its got Russel Crowe in a comedic performance (whose capabilities are vastly underused and underrated). Roach knows what he's doing more or less, and comedies set in Alaska are few and far between.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

488. Analyze This (1999) D: Harold Ramis

The movie upon which Robert De Niro trained his comedic acting chops for "Meet the Parents". This is just practice, though, and RDN had yet to acquire the comedic timing which made MTP memorable. Also, we've seen De Niro as italian mobster for so long, it was too hackneyed for his first foray into comedy to be as italian mobster. MTP did it better...keep the tough guy, let RDN play straight man.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

487. Time Cop (1994) D: Peter Hyams

A loose collection of cool ideas, barely strung together, and definitely not united by Jean-Claude Van Damme. The opening sequence encapsulates many of the "what if " conversations I've had over the years, though slightly more violent. Loads of potential, and actually handles the stickiness of time travel quite well.

Performance to Savor: Ron Silver

Memorable Moment: Same place, same time

486. Iron Will (1994) D: Charles Haid

Mindless Disney feelgoodness. Kevin Spacey adds some much needed weight in a not-more-than-a-cameo role.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

485. Ghost (1990) D: Jerry Zucker

Look at the director. This is the guy responsible for the "Airplane!" and "Naked Gun" movies, as well as "Police Squad", and other spoof-heavy comedies. How did he make this movie? How did any studio green light the money for this pitch? Very influential movie, with a great love story and sleazy villain. Much of that was lost on my 8-year-old brain, though unfortunately Whoopi's appearance wasn't.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: Pottery

484. The Life of David Gale (2003) D: Alan Parker

Widely-panned flick, mostly because of Kate Winslet's and Kevin Spacey's ham-handed overacting. Laura Linney is devestating and fragile, and her role holds this movie together. More twists and turns than one would expect for a movie like this, and to be honest, the ending sequence is unforgettable.

Performance to Savor: Laura Linney

Memorable Moment: Final Video tape

483. Pecker (1998) D: John Waters

Edward Furlong attempts to break his post-Terminator malaise, and performs superbly. The character isn't much of a stretch for him, but the dialogue and supporting roles are sharp.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

482. The Missing (2003) D: Ron Howard

This movie was better when it was called "The Searchers".

Performance to Savor: Cate Blanchett

Memorable Moment: None

481. The Mummy (1999) D: Stephen Sommers

Sommers pays homage to the Universal monsters of early film. Exceptionally campy, overacted, effects heavy...a lot of fun.

Performance to Savor: Arnold Vosloo

Memorable Moment: None

480. Money Train (1995) D: Joseph Ruben

Hollywood must be the most transparant institution ever. A movie is released, it makes money, studio attempts to bottle that magic by regurgitating it all over the paying-public. Woody and Wesley had unbelievable chemistry in "White Men Can't Jump", and they still do here...though they essentially are playing the same guys. This movie isn't great, but like I said, the leads are charasmatic, and I think its funny that my mom and I saw this in the theatre.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

479. The Waterboy (1998) D: Frank Coraci

More Sandler voices and bad humor, but the presence of Henry Winkler adds an element of heart and well-meaning missing from other Sandler duds.

Performance to Savor: Kathy Bates

Memorable Moment: None

478. Antz (1998) D: Eric Darnell

Before "Shark Tale", "Antz" was my least favorite of the CGI-animated movies. Mostly, this owes to the fact that it aimed a bit too high in their target audience, but not high enough, if that makes sense. They wanted to be unique by crafting a kiddie movie with adult appeal, but rather than infusing the script with clever jokes and wit, they cast Woody Allen to ramble on and on. This movie reduces to lots o' talking, and not enough fun.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

477. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) D: Steve Barron

The cartoon was great, but the whole concept is just too gimmicky to really work as a live-action movie. Perhaps a big budget cartoon with famous voices and expensive animation would help, but as it is...its just kinda wierd.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

476. Cool Runnings (1993) D: Jon Turteltaub

A unique idea, and a decent cast, but Turteltaub does little more than just connect the dots. I didn't expect more, but I coulda rated it hire if I felt an element of depth from anything other than John Candy's waistline.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

475. Blue Sky (1994) D: Tony Richardson

This isn't your typical "Alex" movie: dramatic, romantic elements, plotline focusing on character growth. But, the performances of Tommy Lee Jones and Jessica Lange are so captivating and touching, that I can't ignore them. Lange in particular is oscar-worthy.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

524-500

2005-02-10T18:15:00.000-08:00

Hey hey hey...I'm writing this while I watch CSI (an excellent show by the way), so well, I guess quality had to be previously good for it to drop...um, nevermind.

524. Corrina, Corrina (1994) D: Jessie Nelson

An unlikely romantic dramedy pairing Ray Liotta and Whoopi Goldberg. Who woulda thought? Somehow it works, though the adorable Tina Marjorino definately helps. Never thought that I'd write a blub about a Whoopi Goldberg that didn't include the words "open wound".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

523. Toys (1992) D: Barry Levinson

This movie, much like Robin Williams ' "What Dreams May Come", has the ability to wow the audience both with its dream-like sets and atmosphere, and yet seem all too earthly and mundane. Not the best of qualities for a comedic fantasy.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

522. It Could Happen To You (1994) D: Andrew Bergman

I should hate this movie. Its got Rosie Perez and her accented worse. But...there's something about a "poor man gets rich" story done without excess and scum that I am partial to.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

521. Mary Shelly's Frankenstein (19940 D: Kenneth Branagh

Not the best "Frankenstein" story, but it gets an "A" for effort. Earnestly acted, it eventually suffers from Branagh's Shakespearan vision. This tale requires an element of dark humor, which is noticably absent here.

Performance to Savor: Robert De Niro
Memorable Moment: None

520. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989) D: Joe Johnston

An excellent kids movie, but there's not much else here. Rick Moranis plays Rick Moranis, but its all in good fun.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Gigantic cookie

519. Tommy Boy (1995) D: Peter Segal

What is there to say? This movie is nothing but Farley's mugging, but unlike other SNL alums his comedic timing is charismatic and unpretentious.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

518. Bride of Chucky (1998) D: Ronny Yu

I've never seen the originals, though I doubt they incorporated this level of camp. Sufficiently humerous to keep the viewer's mind away from the lagging horror, with enough blood to sate those who require it. Brad "Wormtongue" Dourif, is the voice of Chucky.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: "I'm made of rubber!"

517. Road Trip (2000) D: Todd Phillips

Tom Green's only appearance on the silver screen which is not equivalent to a dry-heave. Thankfully the Mr. Phillips kept Green at bay, allowing seasoned thespian Seann William Scott to wow us with technique and form.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

516. Black Sheep (1996) D: Penelope Spheeris

See "Tommy Boy".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

515. Nurse Betty (2000) D: Neil LaBute

I hate Renee Zellweger. If her and French Stewart had babies, the kids would be legally blind. The presence of Morgan Freeman adds some credibility, and Greg Kinnear is at his smarmy best, but the performances just can't rise above the strained script.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

514. The 13th Floor (1999) D: Josef Rusnak

With "eXistenZ", billed as "Better than the Matrix!", which does it a grave disservice. You can't beat "The Matrix" at its own game, and this movie would be better enjoyed as a pleasant suprise, rather than as a letdown. A nice ending, though somewhat predictable.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

513. Selena (1997) D: Gregory Nava

I hate to say this about a movie which features Jennifer Lopez prominantly, but its a great biopic of the hispanic singer. J-Lo is bearable because she still has her natural hair, smile, body, and behind. Edward James Olmos is also remarkable.

Performance to Savor: Jennifer Lopez
Memorable Moment: None

512. Dave (1993) D: Ivan Reitman

Kevin Kline might be one of the most underappreciated actor of our time. He is good in everything, bringing wit and charm, without every becoming stale. He's pitch perfect in this amusing tale of an average man who becomes president.

Performance to Savor: Kevin Kline
Memorable Moment: None

511. Harry and the Hendersons (1987) D: William Dear

A solid little movie, though it can't quite decide between family drama, and all out comedy. The first encounter with Harry occupied my nightmares for years...so beware.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

510. Kindergarden Cop (1990) D: Ivan Reitman

Truly an excellent Arnie vehicle. The kind of movies he needs to do to put people in the theater who are outside of the young male demographic. But, the villain involved is to lame to really care about the plot behind comedy.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: "Boys have a penis, girls have vagina!"

509. Ransom (1996) D: Ron Howard

A one-note movie which falls flat of its ambition by failing to establish the bond between parent and child. We learn it throughout the course of the flick, but by then its too late.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

508. The Mask of Zorro (1998) D: Martin Campbell

Fun, though you have to wonder what prompted Anthony Hopkins to appear as the original Zorro. Antonio Banderas has perfected the form of the rebellious mexican/spaniard.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

507. Grease (1978) D: Randal Kleiser

A modern classic...or so they say. I suspect that this is only because of the admittedly memorable songs. I just never responded to this the way others have.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

506. Clue (1985) D: Jonathan Lynn

Definitely a clever movie, and an enjoyable watch. I just can't rank it much higher, because I don't feel that its rewatchable. Once you've seen it once...that's pretty much enough.

Performance to Savor: Tim Curry
Memorable Moment: None

505. Deep Impact (1998) D: Mimi Leder

The similarities to Armageddon are obvious. This one is more sophisticated without the cheese, without the excess, without the Bruckheimerishness...and without the fun.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

504. Con Air (1997) D: Simon West

Bruckheimer officially decides that plot, pacing, and dialogue are obsolete.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

503. Bad Boys II (2003) D: Michael Bay

I watched this with Simmz under the pretense that this was the best movie he'd ever seen. I should've known better. I can't completely condemn it though...Will Smith and Martin Lawrence do have remarkable chemistry, and are very entertaining to watch. Its all superficial though.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

502. The Hours (2002) D: Stephen Daldry

It seems that most critics praised this because they felt like they had to. Its got the pedigree...but shit, just because Nicole puts on a prosthetic nose, doesn't make her the oscar-worthy. I found her to be aloof and boring.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

501. Runaway Bride (1999) D: Garry Marshall

Marshall, Roberts, and Gere reteam in an obvious attempt to bottle the "Pretty Women" magic. Just doesn't work. I've pretty much run out of stuff to say for the day. I'll be better tomorrow, I promise.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

500. Mars Attacks (1996) D: Tim Burton

I only just now found out that this was directed by Burton. That can't be a good thing. I should've been able to tell from the opening frame that Burton was all over this one. A collection of talent...all of which are wasted. Another element on the list of "Signs that Alex Won't Like This Movie": An amazing assembled cast. No movie with a giant cast (all stars) has ever been good. And no..."Jay and Silent Bob" did not have "stars".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

549-525

2005-02-08T11:12:00.000-08:00

I'm somewhat running out of things to say about bad movies. Thankfully, we're approaching the end of the one and a half star movies, and we'll get to the two star movies today. That should bring a bit of a change. But, on a four-star scale, two-star movies are still just average. Oh well...

549. The Fast and the Furious (2001) D: Rob Cohen

Basically a terrestrial version of "Point Break", though production value and special effects make this (unoriginal) remake a bit more enjoyable. Of course, this is one of Simmz' favorites, and we all know what that means.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

548. Romeo Must Die (2000) D: Andrzej Barkowiak

How soon after the death of a lead is it acceptable to completely rip them? For example, Cary Grant died twenty years ago, and no one would be offended if I tore him a second sphincter. Woah. Anyway, Aaliyah died only 3 years ago, so would it be ok if I discussed how awful she is in this? I dunno, I think its alright, and I don't think we should tip toe around anyone's performance if they've recently died. But that's just me... and not many people like me.

Performance to Savor: Delroy Lindo
Memorable Moment: None

547. The Sum of All Fears (2002) D: Phil Alden Robinson

People who haven't read the book would likely have it ranked much higher. The changes made, however, are agregious and unforgivable, and it completely detracted from my enjoyment of the movie. Jack Ryan is now young? Played by Ben Ass-lick? Wait...the terrorists are now Germans? I can't remember any more right now.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

546. You've Got Mail (1998) D: Nora Ephron

These are the type of Tom Hanks performances that exist only for their mainstream appeal. Sure, he's a great actor, but hell, anyone could play these roles. Fuck, alot of actors could've played Forrest Gump as well. He shows much more depth in "Castaway" and "Philadelphia". Anyway, the adorable Meg Ryan prevented me commiting self-fallicide.

Performance to Savor: Meg Ryan
Memorable Moment: None

545. The Haunting (1999) D: Jan De Bont

The house is haunted by the ghost of a former owner. Hope I didn't spoil anything for anyone.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

544. Bowfinger (1999) D: Frank Oz

I will say this: I like it when Steve Martin plays these characters. Sleazy, underhanded, uber-flawed...lesson never learned. He did it to perfection in "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" and he's in fine-form here. But, I just don't buy Eddie Murphy as a dork. Would anyone mind if Eddie Murphy was killed in 1996?

Performance to Savor: Steve Martin
Memorable Moment: None

543. The Mummy Returns (2001) D: Stephen Sommers

At ILM (Industrial Light and Magic) they have a scale which describes the amount of CG work required for a particular scene. The ranking for "Computers Completely Explode" comes directly before "What Stephen Sommers Wants". Nice reputation, guy.

Performance to Savor: Arnold Vosloo
Memorable Moment: None

542. Event Horizon (1997) D: Paul W.S. Anderson

I was determined to like this movie because it starred Sam Neill (and I love Jurassic Park), and its about space/physics/science/etc. So, I saw it with a friend and his dad, and afterward, my friend kept asking me to explain what the fuck just happened. I hemmed, I hawed, but ultimately, I had no idea. There was no goddam reason given for anything to happen like it did. Why? Oh why?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

541. Vertical Limit (2000) D: Martin Campbell

I really liked the opening sequence. I didn't see the closing sequence because we ran out of the theater before the movie ended to catch a bus.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Mesa death

540. The Addams Family (1991) D: Barry Sonnenfeld

Barry Sonnenfeld's first major motion picture, and....this is going nowhere.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

539. Play It To the Bone (1991) D: Ron Shelton

Ranked this high because it features Lucy Liu as a badass sexpot with a 'tude. Ranked this low because of everything else.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

538. Dangerous Minds (1995) D: John N. Smith

One of the best of the "Teacher Transforms Heretofore Unreachable Students Who, For A Variety Of Reasons, Including Racism, Poverty, Drugs, Teen Pregnancy, and Violence, Are Unable To Get A Fair Shake At Life" genre. Although, Michelle Phieffer is a bit too waifish for me to believe she is an ex-marine. Classic song.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

537. Father of the Bride (1991) D: Charles Shyer

The characters I don't like seeing Steve Martin play. Family men. Goofy. Although, a solid script and supporting cast keep this on life support.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

536. Stakeout (1987) D: John Badham

The only thing I remember about this movie is that at some point, Emilio Estevez sported a mustache. And that's gotta count for something.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

535. 10 Things I Hate About You (1999) D: Gil Junger

Now this is a teen dramedy I can get on bored with. Like its kin, however, it falls prey to certain stereotypes which ultimately hinder its creativity. But, this one manages to work within those generalizations rather than be neutered by them.

Performance to Savor: Heath Ledger
Memorable Moment: None

534. Dirty Work (1998) D: Bob Saget

The very best of the one and a half star movies. Norm McDonald was pretty much lobbed this one, and instead of hitting it out of the park, he didn't even swing. His comedy just can't support a feature length film, though I give props to Saget for the whole "sucking cock" line. That was awesome.

Performance to Savor: Bob Saget
Memorable Moment: None

533. Bean (1997) D: Mel Smith

Ahh...the mediocre movies. The two stars. This it where it begins. What can I say? I love Rowan Atkinson. I think he's a very gifted physical humorist, though this movie feels a bit stretched.

Performance to Savor: Rowan Atkinson
Memorable Moment: None

532. Brining Out the Dead (1999) D: Martin Scorsese

From a cinematic point of view, this movie is quite an achievement. The use of lighting, editing, and framing go much further in the narration than any dialogue or voice-over could. This film suffers from a combination of excellent direction and acting, but meaningless script.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

531. Stir of Echoes (1999) D: David Koepp

Remember when I said I saw this on my only date? Well, Lacey, the chick I was with, was absolutely horrified with this movie. That put the onus on me to act with extra bravado and machismo. I couldn't fully enjoy the movie, because I (stupidly, I know) spent too much time witholding any emotional information I might subconsciously emit. Dammit Lacey. Lacey Gates. I think she has a kid now, though I'm not sure. (Not mine, duh.)

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

530. Big Daddy (1999) D: Dennis Dugan

The problem is in the plot. Like "John Q." an intriguing premise is mostly ruined by the realization that no satisfying ending can result. The kid is not Sonny's, and they didn't set up Jon Stewart's character to be enough of an ass for me to hope that Sonny fights the system. Contrived Adam Sandler vehicle. Though they all are.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

529. Addams Family Values (1993) D: Barry Sonnenfeld

What is it about the Addams Family movies that makes me draw a blank? With other movies, I can usually think of something to say. But for these? Nothing. Maybe I haven't actually seen them?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

528. Die Another Day (2002) D: Lee Tamahori

The same problem afflicts the Bond franchise as the Cruise-produced "Mission: Impossible" series: they've completely disregarded their roots. They've both become loud, noisy, and MTV-y, at the expense of their witty espionage parentage. I hope the next Bond movie features a thinking Bond, rather than a brute one. (the movie, not just the actor)

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

527. Hearts in Atlantis (2001) D: Scott Hicks

Grace and I saw this for the sole reason of watching Anthony Hopkins act. He let us down. And check it out, this was based on a Stephen King story, increasing the number of failed King-to-Screen projects.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

526. 8MM (1999) D: Joel Schumacher

This is what happens when Mr. Hollywood gets Ms. Not-Your-Average-Movie pregnant and then abandons the baby.

Performance to Savor: Joaquin Phoenix
Memorable Moment: None

525. Sphere (1998) D: Barry Levinson

Why am I so big? I am very active, I lift and run. I eat balanced meals. I know my parents are big, but so are Bam Margera's (very big) and he's quite thin. Its very frustrating, and I'm tired of it.

Sorry.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

574-550

2005-02-07T07:06:00.000-08:00

How was everyone's weekend? I didn't really do much...oh wait, yes I did! I totally had an awesome productive weekend, full of bank trips and pool. Well, off we go again, beginning another week of work, and another week of blurbing mediocre to bad movies.

574. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1993) D: Stephen Sommers

I love it when I discover old movies directed by people who are currently popular for other projects. Mr. Sommers for example, is (relatively) famous for The Mummy movies as well as "Van Helsing". I guess we can't expect much more from a graduate of St. John's (that's right, the one in Collegeville).

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

573. subUrbia (1996) D: Richard Linklater

I have a couple people in mind who might disown me for this ranking. I just never really got into the whole "slacker, indie, entire-story-in-one-night" movie.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

572. Scream 2 (1997) D: Wes Craven

I'm sick of racking my brain for some clever comment about 90s horror flicks. So, I'll just tell a joke instead.

Q: What do you get when you cross a tsetse fly and a mountain climber?

A: Nothing, you can't cross a vector and a scalar.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

571. 2 Days in the Valley (1996) D: John Herzfeld

When the only thing that you can remember about a movie is Eric Stoltz's boner, you ask yourself..."Um, why are you ruminating about boners?"

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

570. Planet of the Apes (2001) D: Tim Burton

Tim Burton has crafted some marvelous works of art, so I forgive him for this celluloid sewage. Everyone talks about the end as if it is so intriguing, that the entire movie is justified by it. My position is that Burton couldn't think of a suitable end, so he just tacked one on that he knew people would talk about. Regrettably, he didn't bother proofing it for soundness or any level of feasability. If you think about it (even factor in levels of time travel if you want)...the ending just doesn't make any sense at all. That's the worst part about this flick, the sheer laziness.

Performance to Savor: Paul Giamatti

Memorable Moment: None

569. Small Time Crooks (2000) D: Woody Allen

Neurotic, ridiculous, crappy. Basically, a decently clever for a movie, but completely bogged down by expectations for an Allen movie. Can't fault him for being good in the past, but I can for this piece of solid belch.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

568. Entrapment (1999) D: Jon Amiel

I stumbled upon Entrapment this weekend as I was mindlessly flipping channels. I moved on and ended up watching an eye surgery on Discovery. Much less painful.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

567. The Vanishing (1993) D: George Sluizer

Watching this is like going on a road trip with some friends, and staying at a horrible hotel. Its like, you're pumped at the overall situation, but the details just completely drive you insane.

Performance to Savor: Jeff Bridges
Memorable Moment: None

566. Absolute Power (1997) D: Clint Eastwood

The hallmark movie of Eastwood's post-"Unforgiven" slump.

Performance to Savor: Gene Hackman

Memorable Moment: None

565. Sleepless in Seattle (1993) D: Nora Ephron

I probably should like this movie more, but the circumstances around its viewing taint its memory. My mom offered to take me shopping for clothes at the mall, and we could also get some lunch and see a movie. I was pumped because of course, I love movies. This was the only thing playing. What the hell is an 11-year-old male with his mom to do? Get scarred for life, that's what.

Performance to Savor: Meg Ryan

Memorable Moment: None

564. The Devil's Advocate (1997) D: Taylor Hackford

The ending of a movie is my favorite part. I feel that a bad movie can be saved by a good ending ("Saw") or a good movie can be ruined by a bad one (this). Excellent premise, exciting execution, sinister villain, and actually, a decent performance by Keanu Reeves (all you have to do to get a good performance out of him is set up a character that must be confused and awe-struck throughout the flick, with a dose of physicality thrown in. Which is why "The Matrix" was perfect for him). Of course *SPOILERS COMING* they have to ruin it with the "It was all a dream" bullshit. Bullshit. Ever wonder how that became a curse word? Why bulls? Why not scorpions? Do scorpions shit?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

563. Deep Blue Sea (1999) D: Renny Harlin

Jurassic Park in the ocean. Seriously, exactly the same movie. A storm comes and knocks out security, and the scientists and assorted experts are left to face death at the hands (fins) of their own creations. Bleh.

Performance to Savor: Thomas Jane
Memorable Moment: Samuel L. Jackson is eaten

562. Seabiscuit (2003) D: Gary Ross

Everyone loved this movie, and I can see why. Its inspiring. Its beautifully shot. Its well acted. Why then is it the lowest oscar-nominee on my list? There was no conflict. Yeah, you might tell me that the guy's kid dying is conflict, or that the horse being too small is conflict, or that the other guys way of life being eradicated is conflict, or that Red's entire life was full of conflict, or that his broken leg was conflict, or that....hell, there was conflict. Just none that I cared about.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

561. Head of State (2003) D: Chris Rock

As far as Chris Rock vehicles go, this one has some of the better excuses for his standup. He playes a presidential hopeful, so he has cause to continuously be speaking to a giant group of people. Unfortunately, a loosely strung together collection of sketches and monologues does not a good movie make.

Performance to Savor: Bernie Mac
Memorable Moment: None

560. Something's Gotta Give (2003) D: Nancy Myers

The fact that no man has married Diane Keaton proves the inferiority of the male-persuasion. She's the only thing about this movie which doesn't make me shit concrete.

Performance to Savor: Diane Keaton
Memorable Moment: None

559. Boiler Room (2000) D: Ben Younger

Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi. Brian Maisono is Giovanni Ribisi.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

558. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989) D: Stephen Herek

I don't hate Keanu Reeves as much as everyone else does. But, this movie is low because it basically burned an image of him as doofus surfer into the collective mind of movie-goers everywhere. For that, I resent it, because I feel that he has a natural charisma, tainted by Stephen Herek.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

557. 13 Conversations About 1 Thing (2001) D: Jill Sprecher

Maybe one of my next lists will be "Sure signs that Alex is probably not going to like a movie". Naturally, "Attempts to tell a tale of multiple intersecting story lines, with sharp dialogue and pretentious relationships, and is not Pulp Fiction" will be towards the top. I feel like I'm repeating myself. Fuck it, Hollywood is one massive repitition.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

556. Mr. Destiny (1990) D: James Orr

This is kinda fun to watch because Linda Hamilton plays feminine non-bad ass. Although by fun, I mean "entirely boring, and it'll make you just with you were watching Sarah Connor do pullups in an insane asylum."

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

555. Volcano (1997) D: Mick Jackson

So, is Anne Heche a lesbian or not? Obviously it doesn't matter, but I just want some closure on her sexuality. She's like the Jason Kidd of actresses. I think maybe only E and Jake(s) will understand that one.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Jumping off the subway into the lava

554. Dick Tracy (1990) D: Warren Beatty

I got nothing.

Performance to Savor: Al Pacino
Memorable Moment: None

553. The General's Daughter (1999) D: Simon West

John Travolta completely overacts. Wow, that's kinda like saying "Fish like to swim" or "Alex is currently hungry" or "E-town is not wearing pajamas" or "(insert arbitrary Blazer) is suspended for conduct detrimental to the team".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

552. S.W.A.T. (2003) D: Clark Johnson

Saw this in Hungary. By myself. Yeah, great idea Alex. I think I was avoiding some homework at the time. Sam Jackson's character is actually named "Hondo". You can't make this stuff up. And the rogue SWAT guy looks like Frodo Baggins on steroids.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

551. Flatliners (1990) D: Joel Schumacher

An unbelievable idea for a movie. So much promise...wasted. Great cast....wasted. The reviewer on imdb.com has no idea what they're talking about. They call it a "gem" and "original". Um, no. Idea = original. Everything else = hackneyed.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

550. Panic Room (2002) D: David Fincher

The bad guy is white, and he has corn rows. Yeah, I know.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

599-575

2005-02-04T11:20:00.000-08:00

Well...we've gotten in to the 500's. For those of you still reading, the movies are getting steadily better, although so far its probably more accurate to say "steadily less worse". Right.

599. Blast from the Past (1999) D: Hugh Wilson

This is my first blurb of the day, so I'm having writer's block.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

598. Notting Hill (1999) D: Roger Mitchell

Watching bumbling idiot Hugh Grant (I don't know why Grace would do him. Its a complete mystery to me. Girls are so wierd!) foppishly mishandle Julia "I look like the Alien from "Alien" when I smile" Roberts just depresses me. There are romantic comedies that I like, but this is not it.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

597. Blue Streak (1999) D: Les Mayfield

Simmz loved this movie so much that he stole it from the video store where I worked. For those of you who know Simmz, his approval of a movie pretty much means nothing. He once said "I liked Schindler's List, but I could've made it better."

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

596. Somewhere in Time (1980) D: Leannot Szwarc

I hope Grace/Claire doesn't see this ranking, because they'll probably de-ball me. Time travel is a sticky issue, though I'd prefer it handled less haphazardly. Willing yourself into the past? Thats just lazy.

Performance to Savor: Jane Seymour
Memorable Moment: None

595. Nothing to Lose (1997) D: Steve Odekerk

Do you think if Martin Luther King Jr. and Martin Lawrence collided, they would annhilate each other in a flash of light and energy?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

594. The Nutty Professor (1996) D: Tom Shadyac

The saddest thing about Eddie Murphy's career is that he has turned into the guy that he used to ridicule. Large portions of his stand-up were predicated on being a sort of anti-Cosby. Now look at him...mindlessly churning out kiddie fare. And bad kiddie fare.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

593. Alien: Resurrection (1997) D: Jean-Pierre Jeunet

When one watches "Amelie" one easily senses the subtle camera work and framing that Jeunet learned while making Alien: Resurrection.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

592. An American Tail (1986) D: Don Bluth

I should probably watch this one again, because I think my emotions are betraying my memory. I remember being petrified during many scenes. Then again, I was four. So'll I'll leave it here, but I'm willing to move it upon further moving. That brings me to an important point about T-Biggs. I am more than willing to shift movies as time moves on. Some movie may prove able to withstand multiple viewings well, which is a positive characteristic. So, the list as I present it today will not be the same list in a year.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

591. How to Make an American Quilt (1995) D: Jocelyn Moorhouse

Grace loves this movie. I'm just gonna move on before I end up sleeping on the couch.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

590. Outside Providence (1999) D: Michael Corrente

Can you believe that this is a movie based on a book by Peter Farrelly? I appreciate his attempt to branch out from standard gross out warfare, but that doesn't mean I have to like this. Shawn Hatosy, who plays the lead, was billed as the "next Tom Cruise". Maybe just because he's short.

Performance to Savor: Alec Baldwin
Memorable Moment: None

589. Go (1999) D: Doug Liman

After Pulp Fiction I really have little patience for movies that attempt to weave multiple story lines together. It seems like every other movie of the mid to late 90s flirted with this tactic, and very few of them got it right. Doug Liman went on to direct "The Bourne Identity".

Performance to Savor: William Fichtner
Memorable Moment: None

588. The Shadow (1994) D: Russell Mulchay

"Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows!" Shit, I guess that means he knows what I'm thinking about doing to Lindsay Lohan with a potato and a tire iron.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

587. Maximum Overdrive (1986) D: Stephen King

King's stories are notoriously bad on the silver screen (except for "Carrie", I know). This could be the worst of 'em. Whaddya expect, he directed, it stars Emilio E., and the original bleak ending is replaced with one of hope. Mystery is important for suspense, and explaining the carnage by "the earth passes through the tail of a comet" is completely lame.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

586. Rumble in the Bronx (1995) D: Stanley Tong

The movie that introduced Jackie Chan to western audiences. Seeing what JC has done with his popularity, I can't say that that's a good thing. Also, the dubbing makes this almost completely unwatchable. And LA subs for the Bronx. Stupid.

Performance to Savor: Jackie Chan
Memorable Moment: None

585. Blank Check (1994) D: Rupert Wainwright

Coulda been fun, but the kid who plays Preston is so goddamn annoying. Maybe I'm just jealous cuz he gets it on with a MILF.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

584. Gone in 60 Seconds (2000) D: Dominic Sena

How much do I hate thee? Let me count the ways: Its a remake (bet ya didn't know that!), Simmz loves it, talent wasted, unoriginal, mindless, and on and on and on. Why do movies starring Nicholas Cage continue to get made? (Except Matchstick Men, of course)

Performance to Savor: Scott Caan
Memorable Moment: None

583. End of Days (1999) D: Peter Hyams

With this and "The 6th Day" Arnold stopped being Arnold. Until this point his movies were cultural points of reference. Defining moments of their respective decades: "Commando", "Predator", the "Terminators"...fuck, even "Junior". But this shit...arg, this shit. Has anyone else noticed that he gets super "American" names, like "Adam", despite his blatant accent? That makes me laugh, but then again, so do abandoned babies.

Performance to Savor: Gabriel Byrne
Memorable Moment: None

582. Stigmata (1999) D: Rupert Wainwright

God, how funny is that? I love when directors direct completely different movies...such that there isn't even any way of deciphering their directorial style. Its so obvious in these cases that the financiers picked the project, than the director, rather than a director lobbying to get a movie made. I mean...this guy makes "Blank Check" and "Stigmata"? How is this possible? I just used the word "director" way too much.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

581. Picture Perfect (1997) D: Glenn Gordon Caron

Refer to the "Friends" rule.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

580. Little Monsters (1989) D: Richard Greenberg

A classic example of T-Biggs flexibility. When I first saw this, I loved it. My interest in it, however, began to wane over time. Now, its barely watchable. What does this mean? Just because a movie is rated well now, doesn't garauntee it good ratings in the future. In fact, check the year of a movie...the older it is, the more stable of a ranking it has.

Performance to Savor: Howie Mandel
Memorable Moment: Drinking piss

579. The Cable Guy (1996) D: Ben Stiller

As a pretentious film critic, I feel obligated to like this film. It first showed glimpses of Jim Carrey's range, its dark, its disturbing. Oh wait. I didn't have fun when I watched it. None of that other shit matters. Of course this "fun" theory doesn't apply to every movie. But it should for a movie starrying Jim Carrey, Matthew Broderick, and directed by Ben Stiller. Right?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

578. The Day After Tomorrow (2004) D: Roland Emmerich

When I was in 4th/5th grade, I would routinely challenge girls to like 1 on 12 basketball games. You know, me against them. Of course I would dominate them, but that wasn't the point. I wanted to show off my skills, but even if I lost, I had a huge excuse, and they wouldn't think I was lame. Basically, this movie is me, and the girls are the movie-going public. I don't think this analogy works.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

577. Shallow Hal (2001) D: The Farrelly Brothers

Another movie trapped by its own logic for the sake of itself. The only way the Farrelly's know how to show true inner beauty is by giving outer beauty, the very quality which is to be ignored in favor of inner beauty, which is depicted by outer beauty, which as we all know goes only skin deep, and its whats on the inside that counts, but for this movie the outside counts/doesn't count, because it depends on whether we're looking at inner ugly beauties or outer ugly good personalities.

I just swallowed my adam's apple.

Performance to Savor: Jason Alexander
Memorable Moment: Tail

576. Rush Hour 2 (2001) D: Brett Ratner

I have a feeling Brett Ratner's kinda like that guy in high school who is nice enough to do your homework for you without charging you for it, because he thinks that'll make up like him. But, in reality, you just see him as an escape, and your relationship becomes abusive.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

575. Can't Hardly Wait (1998) D: Harry Elfont

Shout out to Jake(s) here: Excellent uses of the word blister. Now...this movie is like the hot chick "Fun to poke and show you're friends for a couple days, but quickly clings to your skin and won't go away"

Performance to Savor: Charlie Korsmo
Memorable Moment: None

Have a fun and safe weekend everyone.

624-600

2005-02-03T10:23:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the shoutout Matty! 'Preciate it! Here we go! Exclamation Point! ! ! ! !

624. Shark Tale (2004) D: Bibo Bergeron

A perfect example of why Pixar has been wildly successful in the animation business. You see, Pixar makes a concerted effort to revolve their spectacular animations around compelling and funny stories. This philosophy works. Look at the voice talent of Shark Tale: Jack Black, Will Smith, Martin Scorsese, Robert De Niro, Renee Zellweger...no recent movie has had that quality of a cast, much less an animated. Combined with the unbelievable computer graphics, this movie had "hit" written all over it. Of course, this is non-Pixar and is thus not subject to strict "good story-telling" guidlines. Despite the money it made, it came up short of its cousins for one simple reason: IT WASN'T WELL WRITTEN!

A direct comparison to "Finding Nemo": FN was successful because it presented fish who could speak, but they were still fish. It was funny to see fish behave within their limitations, and in spite of them. Shark Tale was just awkward because it anthropomorphized the little fishies too much. TV's, Horse races, condos...c'mon.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

623. Beethoven (1992) D: Brian Levant

I have a feeling those with bouts of nostalgia will decry this ranking, but shit...go back and watch it now. Charles Grodin is boner of a comedic actor...and I don't respond well to animal v. human humor.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

622. Sister Act (1992) D: Emile Ardolino

What can I say? I hate Whoopi Goldberg.

Harvey Keitel is in this movie. Harvey Keitel. That's Mr. White to you QT-philes.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

INSERT: French Kiss (1995) D: Lawrence Kasdan

What the fuck? Lawrence Kasdan wrote "The Empire Strikes Back" and "The Raiders of the Lost Ark"...what the fuck?

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

621. Nick of Time (1995) D: John Badham

Johnny Depp's least nuanced performance. Strictly one note thriller drags and drags and drags. Resorts to "it was a dream" cop-out (don't worry, that wasn't a spoiler. Watching the damn movie will do more harm to your psyche), and Christopher Walken plays a caricature of himself.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

620. Coneheads (1993) D: Steve Barron

Another example in SNL's long history of miscarriages.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

619. Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993) D: Jim Abrahams

Charlie Sheen's charm fades fast with this mindless regurgitation. Harley can't stop mugging, winnking at the audience, and speaking softly. Understand the reason for the sequel...money. Hmph, that didn't even work as this was a bomb.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

618. How to Be a Player (1997) D: Lionel C. Martin

I'm no idiot. I understand the wide spread appeal of the movie. Young men enjoy watching others do what they never could: successfully maintain a bevy of purely sexual relationships with hordes of beautiful women. Yeah, that's fun to watch...but what else do you remember about this movie? Its pure teflon, you can't stick anything to it, and it doesn't stick to you. I personally don't appreciate forgetability.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

617. Van Wilder (2002) D: Walt Becker

Again, this movie is marketed towards the wish-fulfillment of young men. And frankly, there are some decent gags here. Unfortunately, the rest fall mostly flat. Also, there's Tara Reid...who's definitely an evil step-sister. Can't stand that bitch.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: Kal Penn

616. Cruel Intentions (1999) D: Roger Kumble

Looks like I've got a string of movies that could easily fall under the general heading "wish fulfillment". Obviously deflowering a virginal Reese Witherspoon has caused more than one pre-pubescent male to fire a nut-rocket into their drawers, but that's all this movie ultimately amount to: cinematic jerk-off.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

615. Scream 3 (2000) D: Wes Craven

The first "Scream" worked because of its hip referentialism. By this point, however, the original was part of the lore it was trying to reference. A movie divided against itself cannot stand.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

614. The Whole Nine Yards (2000) D: Jonathan Lynn

Chandadler Bong discovers there's a mobster next door played by John McClaine. Let's move on.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

613. Identity (2003) D: James Mangold

SPOILER COMING: Clearly the whole "it was just a dream" ending is trite beyond comaparison. Fortunately, modern psychology has given us a similar easy-exit...the "it was all a all a schizophrenic episode". Even better.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

612. Ladybugs (1992) D: Sidney J. Furie

Sorry girls born between 1975 and 1985, but Jonathan Brandis is annoying, tiny, and probably has a vagina.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

611. Anger Management (2003) D: Peter Segal

I went to the bathroom between writing the last blurb and this one.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

610. Orange County (2002) D: Jake Kasdan

Jack Black begins to scratch the surface of his considerable charisma. Colin Hanks cashes in on some nepotistic favors. Catherine O'Hears drinks for 4 months straight. John Lithgow doesn't play an alien. What went wrong?

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

609. She's All That (1999) D: Robert Iscove

There's not much that I can say about this that I haven't said about Freddie already. I would comment on the obvious hotness of the "nerd" girl, but, who hasn't? Lets see...the guy that Freddie makes the bet with went on to star in "When Harry Met Lloyd". I'm reaching here.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

608. Patch Adams (1998) D: Tom Shadyac

This movie was reviled by critics, and there is probably more than one of you that would have this lower, but I guess I'm just a sucker for Robin Williams. I think he is a likable person and actor, whether he's wearing his drama-beard or not. This is probably the worst of his movies, in which case he's doing better than most of Hollywood.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

607. Anaconda (1997) D: Luis Llosa

Brainless and ludicrous, whose horrible plot is out-distanced only by its moldy FX.

Memorable Moment: Inside the snake
Performance to Savor: None

606. Starship Troopers (1997) D: Stephen Hopkins

Watching this is like spanking it when there's someone in the next room. It kinda feels good, but you know that you'd just be mortified if someone walked in. Therefore, you can't quite enjoy it. And, when its over, you've got this mess all over yourself, and you have to go into the bathroom without anyone seeing you, so you regret the fact that you didn't just bring a kleenex in before you started.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

605. Lost in Space (1998) D: Stephen Hopkins

What did I say about Friends in the movies? When will you learn to trust me?

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

604. Brokedown Palace (1999) D: Jonathan Kaplan

This movie suffers mostly from the fact that it asks us to believe that Bill Pullman can speak Thai. Other than that its inflated and flamboyant without any meat to back it up.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

603. Urban Legend (1998) D: Jamie Blanks

This movie provided me with one of the coolest opening sequences of the 90s. Seriously, I thought I was in for a real treat. Little did I know that it also provided me with the insane desire to cover myself in honey and dry hump an ant hill.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

602. I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) D: Jim Gillespie

I know what you didn't do. Make a movie that I could easily distinguish from the glut of other sperm-wads which proport to scare me, but mostly just make me wanna follow Thelma and Louise into a canyon.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

601. Free Willy (1993) D: Simon Wincer

Cheap sentimentalism with a trite message disguised in Marine Biology. Seriously, are ther that many loser dork kids whose only friends are animals? Really? Fuck, by 'em a Playstation.

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

600. Surviving the Game (1994) D: Ernest R. Dickerson

I've been trying to come up with an insult involving the word "blister", because I think it has a lot of potential. But, its the end of the day, and I'm kind of brain dead. So, help me out...I need an insult using "blister". Like..."You are a blister." That was bad. See?

Memorable Moment: None
Performance to Savor: None

649-625

2005-02-02T07:27:00.001-08:00

649. The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996) D: Renny Harlin

An important film, simply because it advanced Sam Jackson's career as an action hero/leading man. Other than that, this combination of "Hook" and "The Bourne Identity" (which is strange, because that movie hadn't been released yet) loses much of its focus in Harlin's mindless direction. Which isn't all that suprising.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

648. The Hulk (2003) D: Ang Lee

I can't decide if I would've liked this more or less if I had read the comic. On the one hand, if I would've been super annoyed by the combination of villains into the Father figure, however, I might have been more appreciative of the lore and back-story. I guess we'll never know. Matty? Whatever, Sam Elliot was good, and the scene filmed at Arches National Park was enjoyable for the simple reason that I've been there. Loud and dumb.

Performance to Savor: Sam Elliot
Memorable Moment: Arches

647. Serendipity (2001) D: Peter Chelsom

I don't believe in coincidences. For every time that you "remarkably" meet up with some one, there has to be a hundred times when you "remarkably" don't. Obviously your brain will only record and track the events that do occur, and thus coincidence is seen as remarkable. To an omniscient alien observer, we're just rats in a maze, and that we even interact at all ought be seen as the miracle.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

646. John Carpenter's Vampires (1998) D: John Carpenter

Jon Bon Jovi can act? Really? Everyone praises him for his acting ability, but really, they're just praising his ability relative to the predictably disasterous result of musicians-turned-screen-starlets.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

645. Miss Congeniality (2000) D: Donald Petrie

Miss Con-genitals.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

644. The Truth About Cats and Dogs (1996) D: Michael Lehmann

Honestly, does the retelling of classic tales in modern settings ever work? Lemme think. No. Especially this medical mishap of "Anna Karenina" transplanted to sunny Southern California. Bleak, oppressive, Russian poverty....lets get Uma Thurman!

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

643. Mission to Mars (2000) D: Brian De Palma

Only saw this because it was a "screener" at the video store. Abysmal, with a poorly executed, but intriguing, ending.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

642. 6 Days, 7 Nights (1998) D: Ivan Reitman

Stars David Schwimmer as Anne Heche's boyfriend. I'm going to drain all of the blood from my brain now.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

641. The Fog (1980) D: John Carpenter

Grace and I rented this one night when we were looking for a scary movie. It just wasn't scary at all. I thought at first that I was desensitized by the decade in which I was raised, and that in order to be truly scary, a movie must be shocking as well. Not true. I just don't think this movie works...its pacing is off. Anyway, I know that this flick influenced future horror movies, but that doesn't make it inherently good. Shit, Pol Pot influenced the intellectual class.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

640. The Juror (1996) D: Brian Gibson

Boring.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

639. Home Alone 3 (1997) D: Raja Gosnell

The first was a classic. The second was a festering turd in the toilet after the first at too much Paella. The third, well....

Another thing, why aren't bumbling burglers sent to the front lines of all of our pointless wars? They don't feel pain! You can do anything too 'em, and they'll keep comin'.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

638. Blue Lagoon (1980) D: Randal Kleiser

I guess I'm not tapped into cult movements to know if "Blue Lagoon" qualifies for "cult classic" status. Lets just say I wouldn't be suprised if it did. Brooke Shields walks around an island half naked for 2 hours. Great idea for cinemax. Horrible idea for a movie.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

637. John Q. (2002) D: Nick Cassavetes

Just so you know, Nick Cassavetes is the bald villain from Face/Off. There ya go. Anyway, this movie is destroyed by its own logic. Essentially, it argues that hospitals are evil for charging insane amounts of money for necessary medical procedures, and that insurance companies are equally criminal for their policies and loopholes, etc...Maybe so. We definitely need some health care reform in this country. But how is it ok for John Q.'s son to get a heart over any other kid? It essentially creates a class system based on sentimentalism.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

636. The Bridges of Madison County (1995) D: Clint Eastwood

Lumbering and pretentious. Clint can use his natural magnetism for good or evil, and this is a classic example of...evil.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

635. The Mighty Ducks 2 (1994) D: Sam Weisman

I guess if this movie was released as the first of the trilogy, it would be ranked higher. Its got a creepy and intimidating villain, an unlikely, though uplifting, storyline, and a plot dripping in cheese. Alas...this is mostly just a paper cut on your eyeball.

Performance to Savor: Carsten Norgaard
Memorable Moment: None

*Thus ends the one star movies. Now begins the 1 and a half star films*

634. Coyote Ugly (2000) D: David McNally

Hmm...I wonder where Coyote Ugly picked up a half a star over Mighty Ducks 2...plot? Character development? Art Direction? Cinematography?

I don't get it.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

633. The 6th Day (2000) D: Roger Spottiswoode

Anybody else know that Arnold Schwarzenegger graduated from University of Wisconsin-Superior? Isn't that hilarious? Can you see Arnie stumping around Duluth? Why am I the only one who is laughing?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

632. Dude, Where's My Car (2000) D: Danny Leiner

Frankly, I'm somewhat shocked that this is as high as it us...other than that: pureed bee salad.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

631. Dr. T and the Women (2000) D: Robert Altman

I feel like its kind of the cool thing to do to like this movie. It was so critically panned, yet not comletely without merit, that would-be film critics claim to appreciate it. No! You are so wrong! Its over long and ambitious, and most fluff. I mean, what the fuck is up with that ending? Redemption? Um, no.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

630. Double Jeopardy (1999) D: Bruce Beresford

Ashley Judd makes but one kind of movie: Strong woman, in some sorts of trouble, trials, tribulations, blah, blah, blah, huge salvation. Puke.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

629. The Client (1994) D: Joel Schumacher

Read the book.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

628. Grumpy Old Men (1993) D: Donald Petrie

Recognize the director? He did Miss Congeniality as well. Is this man happy with his life? What did he dream of doing with his life when he was young? Where did he grow up? I'm an idiot.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

627. Bats (1999) D: Louis Morneau

I saw a preview for this movie when I went to see "Stir of Echoes" on the only official "date" I've ever been on. This chick, Lacey, asked me on a date, and I was like...um, ok. So, we go to Bend which is an hour away, to the nearest theatre. An hour drive on a first date feels like forEVER. Shit. Anyway, after the preview, she's like, "That looks good." Well, long story short....I didn't have a girlfriend coming to college.

(Good thing for you Grace!)

626. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II (1991) D: Michael Pressman

I've already used up all my jokes about pointless sequels.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

625. The Craft (1996) D: Andrew Fleming

Cinematic feculance.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

674-650

2005-01-31T13:51:00.000-08:00

Matty -- I'm using Xcel.

Alright, after my massive Jaeger-Thon on Saturday, I should've been completely burned out on LOTR. Alas, I'm not. I had a huge urge to watch ROTK last night, and the only thing stopping me was my need for sleep. Anyway, back to The List.

674. Extreme Measures (1996) D: Michael Apted

You know the part in "The Royal Tenenbaums", where Royal is talking to Danny Glover, claiming to have always been a bastard, and Glover's like, "No, you're more of a son-of-a-bitch". That is so funny because Gene Hackman always plays either a Son-of-a-Bitch or a Bastard in every single movie he's been in. Think about it. He's probably the best type-cast actor of all time, I guess cuz his "type" still has room for variation. Maybe this comment should be moved to "The Royal Tenenbaums". Hopefully I'll think of something else to say by then.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

673. Drive Me Crazy (1999) D: John Schultz

Even Clarissa can't explain this derivative piece of bloody elephant amputations.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

672. The Real McCoy (1993) D: Russell Mulchay

You know that friend you have in high school who's parents aren't really around, and whenever you wanna watch R-rated movies, you go over to their house? Well, I don't even remember if this is R or PG-13 ( to lazy to go to imdb) but I do know I wasn't allowed to watch it. So, I went to Scott Stigliano's (who allegedly got a blowjob on the school bus) and checked this one out. I felt really guilty, and vowed never to do such a thing again, resulting in my experience with Barb Wire. Oh yeah, Scott lived in an apartment behind the real estate office.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

671. George of the Jungle (1997) D: Sam Weisman

The best kiddie movies are the ones who simply entertain the young-uns rather than insult and condescend 'em. There's something about a self-aware narrator which reeks of laziness and crib death. It also doesn't help that I worked at McDonald's during the GOTJ promotion.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

670. Never Been Kissed (1999) D: Raja Gosnell

David Arquette has regular sex. With Courteney Cox. How is this possible?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

669. Lake Placid (1999) D: Steve Miner

I saw this because when I worked at Hollywood Star's Video Store in Madras, it was easily the most rented movie of the summer. Easily. This is the same year that sported Being John Malcovich, Toy Story 2, and Election. Ahh, Madras.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

668. The Mighty Ducks 3 (1996) D: Robert Lieberman

The Mighty Ducks 4 is planned. Yes, you heard me. Apparently Charlie is grown up, gets in trouble with the law, is ordered to coach a bunch of pee-wee hockey misfits, can't handle it, contacts his long-lost former mentor, leads the group to success. Didn't someone speak once about history repeating itself and doom or something like that?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

667. Richie Rich (1994) D: Donald Petrie

I love watching Macaulay Culkin deal with bumbling, inept burglers in ways clever beyond his years.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

Insert: Pinocchio

If you've seen this, you can see why I completely forgot about it.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

666. U.S. Marshalls (1998) D: Stuart Baird

This is actually billed as a sequel to the Fugitive. Seriously. I would take the time to rant and rave about the glut of unnecessary sequels which is choking Hollywood's creativity, but my vas deferens just evaporated.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

665. Fools Rush In (1997) D: Andy Tennant

There has been only one legitimately good movie starring one of the Friends. The Good Girl with Jennifer Aniston. That's the only gooddamn one, and I don't wanna watch Chanandaler Bong fumble his way around the pristine beauty of Salma Hayek. I'd rather watch insane bums defecate on the Mona Lisa.

664. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998) D: Danny Cannon

Timing, timing, timing. This POS came during the deluge of late 90s teen-hottie horror movies. WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY? Cheap scares, bad acting, and Freddie Prinze Jr. Phooey.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

663. Revenge of the Nerds (1984) D: Jeff Kanew

We are approaching the section of the list were there are movies that I should like, and I could name all of the reasons why I should, but I unexplainably don't. This movie is fun to watch. The Nerds take on the Jocks, and win. Its funny, uplifting, light. And yet...it sucks. So bad. I just don't think it works. Just my opinion. I know its a cult classic (maybe). Whatever.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

662. Blown Away (1994) D: Stephen Hopkins

I would say that Tommy Lee Jones is a good actor, in fact, I would even go so far as saying that he's one of my favorite ones...but I can't figure out why. Look at all the movies that have starred him that are so low on this list. Could it be that despite the fact that he is in so many movies, I gravitate towards him because he's the best thing about those abominations?

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

661. Demolition Man (1993) D: Marco Brambilla

This movie starts Sandra Bullock, Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes, and the Warden from the Shawshank Redemption. Who would've thought that...I'm not going anywhere with this.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

660. The Net (1995) D: Irwin Winkler

Two Sandra Bullock movies in a row. Way to be Sandy, you're awesome. Has she been in anything good that doesn't involve getting train-banged by Keanu Reeves? Anyway, this movie seems to be about 2 years a head of its time. Shit, it came out when I was in 7th grade. I thought the internet was the name of a temp agency. Only, I didn't really know what a temp agency was. I guess I still believed in the omniscience and justice of the government. Mostly that's because I was allowed to skip my Social Studies class to make a T.A.G. claymation video about the Bill of Rights.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

659. The Scout (1994) D: Michael Ritchie

Pass.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

658. Renaissance Man (1994) D: Penny Marshall

Here's a lesson young man: If your girlfriend asks you to go to a movie, you've got to be careful. Shit, it could be called "Rambo and Terminator hunt, skin, and mutilate Subway Jared...and Porn" and written by Joe Eszterhas (the guy who wrote Robocop and Showgirls...again, too lazy to imdb), but if its directed by Penny Marshall, watch out. Your balls will fall off and the resulting hole will fill up with ovaries.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

657. Sudden Death (1995) D: Peter Hyams

Jean. Claude. Van. Damn, this was a bad idea.

Sorry, that was the best I could do.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

656. Touch (1997) D: Paul Schrader

Elaine! Elaine! Do women know about shrinkage?

What?

You know...when a man goes swimming...afterwards....

It shrinks?

Yes.

Why does it shrink?

It just does.

I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

Sorry. I dozed off.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

655. Terminal Velocity (1994) D: Deran Sarafian

When I reviewed Drop Zone earlier, I actually had this movie in mind. But, this ones cooler because its got Charlie Sheen instead of Snipes. I know Snipes is more badass, nominally, but who'd you rather have a beer with?

That's what I thought.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

654. Hidalgo (2004) D: Joe Johnston

You know, I am slightly annoyed when an actor in Hollywood pretty much acts the same character in every movie they're in, and no one notices them...for obvious reasons. Then, they back into a quality movie, with a good director, a solid supporting cast, and a high production value, but, they play the same roll as they always have. It fits perfectly into the movie, and everyone claims that this actor has arrived, and he/she enjoys uber success. Then, in their next flick without all that magic, they keep doing the same shit, it doesn't work, and its label a disappointment. Its like, didn't you see it coming??

I love LOTR, no suprise, but Viggo is not the best thing about it. He's good, but of everyone, he's the only one who is noticably acting. Lets just say that Joe Johnston is no PJ.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

653. Last Action Hero (1993) D: John McTiernan

Meta-cinema is a powerful tool by which a clever director can imbue a certain sense of satire and wit into a film. Has anyone ever heard of a quality "action-satire" Um...

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

652. The 13th Warrior (1999) D: John McTiernan

E-town claims that the book, which I didn't read, was incredible. He was therefore shocked when I told him that this was a scorched piece of Al Pacino's soggy ass.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

651. A Man Apart (2003) D: F. Gary Gray

I watched this beast on the plane to Europe. I was bored, desperately seeking some sort of entertainment. Ahh...a movie. I'll watch it. That this couldn't provide entertainment on some primitive level attests to its hideousness.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

650. The Prophecy (1999) D: Gregory Widen

In theory, a perfect role for Chris Walken (by the way, I hate it when people who obviously have no connection to a celeb, refer to them by nickname): Creepy, intelligent, gruesome. Unfortunately, this script required that others appear on film as well.

Performance to Savor: Christopher Walken

Memorable Moment: None

LOTR Jaeger-Thon

2005-01-29T23:03:00.000-08:00

Today E-Town and I had a LOTR Marathon. I now appreciate the movie more than I....well, I'll get into that later. The log is accurate, that is, I typed my thoughts at the time that is listed. So, I hope you like it. Oh yeah: GIANT WARNING: THE FOLLOWING BLOG WILL BE MASSIVELY LOTR INTENSIVE. IF YOU ARE PREGNANT (nice, you put out...) OR JUST NOT IN TO LOTR, PLEASE ABORT (bad joke, sorry)

LOTR Jaegerthon – Log

10:06 – After a brief delay (eggs, computer heating up), we have started the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Here we go.

10:09 – The Last Alliance marches on Mt. Doom. When I first saw this scene, I was amazed, and knew that I was in for something special. Fuck, Sauron is badass. I wish there was more of him throughout the trilogy than just an Eye.

10:13 – Even after reading the book and watching the movies, I still don’t fully understand the nature of the One Ring. Its sentience, true power, its effect on the weak, and I don’t mind. The power of Tolkien’s writing comes not only from what he put into the books, but from what he left out as well. Its up to the reader to imagine how the Ring might manifest its evil.

10:21 – Worst British accent: Kevin Costner in “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” or Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins? I go with Costner, because at least Wood tries. And, its fairly passable at times. Oh yeah, I would get romantically involved with Ian McKellan.

10:30 – When Gandalf pulls on Merry and Pip’s ears and says “Meriadoc Brandybuck, and Peregrin Took”, when I first saw it, I thought he was speaking a different language.

10:39 – I’m remembering how confusing the movie is, the first time you watch it, knowing nothing about the books. When Gandalf goes to Minis Tirith, with Mordor in the background, I had no idea what was going on. Knowing the book, now, I understand how difficult it was for the filmmakers to condense 2000 years of history into comprehensive film opening. E-town and I decided that I would make a good hobbit. Bushy hair, hairy feet, picking my ear…I could do it.

10:45 – I hate how Elijah says Sauron by rhyming “Sau” with “now”. He makes it sound like Now-ron. Stupid.

10:50 – E-town randomly gets up and goes into his room. Now, he’s in the bathroom. Oh, he’s brushing his teeth. The dude can’t relax. We’re watching LOTR all day long, and he’s still pimped out with jeans and combed hair. Maybe he’s stressed out because he had money stolen from him last night. That’s rough.

11:01 – Just noticed something. When they first encounter the Nazgul on the road, I used to think that the Black Rider had bugs coming out of him. Nope, they were running away from him.

11:10 – One of my top scenes from the trilogy: The four black riders, swords drawn, riding through the inn and Butterbur has a look of sheer terror on his face.

11:25 – Elvish is the most beautiful language I’ve ever heard.

11:27 – After Aragorn torched the wraiths on weathertop, where did they get new robes? Magic? Bree? I need to know these things.

11:32 – So, in Rivendell, when Frodo gets the Ring back, and its on a chain, presumably an elf had to touch it to put it on the chain. Was that elf tempted? If not, why not? If so, why didn’t he just take the Ring? Perhaps Gandalf was standing over him. Or maybe Gandalf used his magic to weave a chain through the Ring.

11:38 – E-town is “resting his eyes”. Nice.

11:40 – Boromir acting super awkward with Aragorn.

11:46 – What the hell is Legolas wearing at the Council of Elrond? A giant gown?

11:50 – FIGWIT!

11:52 – First disc over. Quick break to make Jaeg-bombs, then we’ll start back up again.

12:00 – Disc 2.

12:13 – So this is our drinking game: 1 drink whenever the Ring is shown, 1 drink whenever there’s a huge “sweeping” scene or crescendoing music, 1 drink whenever something happens that you have to had read the book to get it, 1 drink whenever hobbits act hobbitty, and lastly 1 drink whenever something happens that deserves a drink. That’s my favorite rule.

12:19 – Recent impromptu drinks (R.I.D): Gimli freaking out when he sees that Moria is a tomb, the Watcher in the Water bursting out, Legolas with an improbable arrow shot

12:23 – I never really noticed the incredible acting in this movie, which I think is a sign of incredible acting. They seem so natural which is unusual, because the whole trilogy is bathed in unfamiliarity. The look on Frodo’s face when Gandalf reminds him that he was meant to have the Ring is amazing.

12:25 – Gandalf should put his hair in corn rows.

12:28 – R.I.D: Legolas speaking pretentiously, drums in the deep, Aragorn beheads an Orc, the Cave Trolls club

12:33 – I feel like Cave Trolls get a bad rap. They’re perceived as dumb, but that’s only because they can’t talk. I mean, they take orders at Pellenor Fields, effectively manipulate tools. They’re definitely smarter than dolphins. Probably like 8 year-olds.

12:35 – When Gandalf says “There’s more to this outfit than meets the eye” after Frodo gets stabbed, is he referring to the Fellowship, or Frodo’s clothes.

12:39 – R.I.D: “A demon of the ancient world”, “No one tosses a dwarf”, “Not the beard”

12:42 – Huge 4 drinks for me. The “You Cannot Pass” scene. I love it. Its my favorite part of the whole trilogy. I get chills every time I see it. Every time.

12:43 – One of the things I think that the movies do better than the books (blasphemy, I know) is the humanity that Sean Bean gives to Boromir. Sure he’s a flawed character, but he’s doing it for love of country, family, and honor. I would like to think that my flaws come from those nobilities, but of course they don’t. As an example: “Give them a moment for pity’s sake.”

12:45 – I’m an idiot. My phone is sitting next to the computer here, and I thought it was the mouse. I moved it around on the ottoman, looking for the cursor to move. What a dork.

12:49 – How come Celeborn speaks so slowly? Is he retarded? Horse tranquilizers?

12:53 – At the Council, In Lorian, Boromir is always hearing voices in his head. He should talk to someone about that.

12:54 – I love how the music connects the trilogy. Every time Boromir speaks, the Gondor theme from ROTK plays.

12:56 – Lorien is so boring. SO boring. Easily my least favorite scene of the entire trilogy. Better than 75% of all movies.

12:58 – R.I.D: Legolas speaking pretentiously, Sam’s poem, Galadriel’s nuclear meltdown

1:00 – E-town just cracked all the vertebrae in his back. And he wonders why he has to see a Chiropractor.

1:01 – I think modern theory of genetics contradicts the fact that the orcs are ruined elves. Mutilated and destroyed. You can’t pass on acquired traits. LOTR is not realistic. Oh.

1:04 – Dominic Monaghan’s fucked up jaw.

1:09 – It is now 1:09. They spent 24 goddamn minutes in Lorian, and nothing happened. Imagine 24 minutes in “Commando”. Arnie would kill like 400 people.

1:10 – The Hobbits have Macalester-big hair. Aragorn has Peter Harle hair.

1:12 – Would you get more or less ass if you had the Argonath in your front yard?

1:14 – What the hell is the matter with Frodo at Amon Hen? He’s the most important person in Middle-Earth and he’s just aimlessly wandering around.

1:16 – R.I.D: Legolas speaking pretentiously (“A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind”), Boromir’s meltdown

1:20 – So Aragon is pretty much just a Middle-Earth Rambo, no?

1:23 – R.I.D: Boromir saves the hobbits, The Horn of Gondor, Legolas kills 6 orcs, Boromir takes the arrows and keeps fighting, Lurtz licking the knife, Lurtz pulling Aragorn towards him

1:27 – There are sentimental drunks, and then there are sentimental diers. Nothing really changed between Aragorn and Boromir between Rivendell and Amon Hen, but once Boromir is facing death, he pledges allegiance to Aragorn. Great scene, but somewhat inexplicable.

1:29 – Aragorn kisses Boromir. Gay.

1:30 – Where was Sam the whole time during the battle of Amon Hen? Hiding under a stump?

1:32 – Frodo turns into Mr. Fantastic to save Sam from drowning. That’s funny. In reality after Sam said “A promise!”, Frodo would say “Say it, don’t spray it!”

1:34 – E-town just took a drink and accidentally stabbed the stirring stick into his eye.

1:35 – E-town just said “I don’t like caffeine, I’ll drink Coke.” I mean, Coke has tons of caffeine, does he know that? Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe E-town has Down’s Syndrome.

1:36 – Fellowship ends. We are a third of the way there. I’ve had a total of 4 shots of Jaeger, and I’m about a third of the way drunk. Perfect. So, I guess its been 3 hours and 30 minutes, minus the 8 minutes we took for a break, 3 hours and 22 minutes of movie. Doing good. Quick lunch break, then on to the Two Towers. Unfortunately, this is my least favorite of the trilogy. I think I’ll make it though.

1:47 – I have a fresh drink. My sandwhich is in the toaster oven, um, toasting. And we just started The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. My life couldn’t be better. E-town ate a 2 day old chicken breast and teriyaki sauce for lunch. Grimace Dribble.

1:49 – Another huge four drinks for me to start the movie. The “You Cannot Pass” scene again.
1:50 – Good thing Gandalf didn’t hit his head on the way down. That’d hurt.

1:55 – My sandwich is done. Mmm.

2:01 – How Andy Serkis didn’t even get a nomination for this movie is beyond me. The look on Gollum’s face when Frodo releases him is priceless.

2:07 – R.I.D: The Eye, Legolas speaks pretentiously, Shot of Barad-Dur, The wild men swear allegiance by cutting their hands

2:15 – I guess I’m not sure how I feel about Gimli being turned into a huge comic relief. On the one hand, its necessary for this movie to have some, on the other hand, he wasn’t like this in the book. I’ll just remain neutral.

2:18 – Are there any good Orcs? Can a baby Orc decide against evil? If not, and they can’t choose, does this make them truly bad? Without Free Will, do not we lose the entire notion of good and evil? I have no idea.

2:19 – When Eomer says “Do not trust or hope, it is forsaken in these lands”, it sounds like he says “Do not trust a Hulk, …” That’d be funny.

2:23 – Who’s idea was it to put a Orc head on a stake? Eomer? One of his men? I mean, at some point, one of the Rohirrim decided had to take the time to look around in the woods for a stake, sharpen it, put it in the ground…that’s a lot of work.

2:24 – R.I.D: Legolas’ pretentious prayer for the dead, Viggo breaking his toe, Aragorn’s tracking abilities, Mordor simmering in the distance

2:29 – I’m still hungry. Of course I am.

2:32 – Cheese and crackers, that should get it done.

2:34 – Throughout the trilogy, when things are associated with the dead (the Nine, Minas Morgul, the Dead Marshes, The Paths of the Dead), the dominant color is a eerie green glow. Yet, green is also associated with vibrant life (trees, shrubs, the spring, etc…) Is green that passionate of a color?

2:36 – The Fell Beasts are the most bad ass creatures in middle earth. Maybe the Balrogs, but….

2:38 – How do the Nazgul know who’s gonna patrol the Emyn Muil, Osgiliath, Ithilian, etc…Is there a Ringwraith schedule? Does the Witch-King decide? Sauron?

2:41 – You can’t just “kill” a dragon. You must slay them. Or, you could smote their ruin. Either way, it’s a complicated procedure.

2:44 – When did Gandalf get a robe from Lorien? Oh yeah….

2:45 – R.I.D: Knowing when Gandalf got the robe.

2:51 – The Easterlings are an army of Saddam Husseins. And they wear too much mascara.

2:53 – What the fuck is Frodo thinking? He’s just gonna run through the Black Gate right into a huge army? Is he gonna put on the Ring? Great idea. Put on the Ring right in front of Sauron. Frodo’s a bitch.

2:56 – E-town left to take a piss.

2:57 – He’s back.

3:00 – I would not fuck an Ent-Wife. I don’t like slivers.

3:02 – I have a fresh drink now. And I pissed. I’m back in the game. I love in the Rohan theme.

3:04 – I just realized. With all of the alcohol comes a ton of Red Bull. This can’t be good.

3:12 – I would bang Eowyn/Miranda Otto. Hard. She is so damn hot. Grace, don’t read that last sentence.

3:13 – Would Gandalf be more or less cool if he wore Air Jordans? I mean, if someone offered those shoes to him, you have to assume he’d take ‘em, right? They’re comfy, light, and sturdy. They’ve got to be better than the leather boots he’s wearing.

3:17 – Haven’t seen the Ring in awhile. I’m not worried. It’s coming.

3:18 – E-town and I just decided that a shot is automatically “sweeping” if it has a mountain and (a) the camera is moving front to back (or vice versa) with people in the shot or (b) the camera moves side to side, no people necessary.

3:21 – Saruman is always seen reading books about the history of Middle Earth (the Balrog, the history of the Dunedain). Does he use the Dewey Decimal system to organize everything? Or his he just so wise, he keeps everything straight in his head?

3:24 – What if they just played the Super Bowl tomorrow, and didn’t tell anyone?

3:28 – Grace can play Gollum better than anyone I’ve seen. She does this thing with her hair, eyes, and mouth…its creepy.

3:31 – Smeagol has a Ph.D in Middle-Earth Political Science. Seriously, he knows things he shouldn’t.

3:32 – E-town claims that I have to drink because I didn’t know that that the “bird call” in Ithilian is secret war call. Ok.

3:34 – Disc #3 is over. The story continues though, so don’t worry. No break. We wanna keep doing. I’m off to IMDb.com to check out who played a dead Easterling.

3:37 – R.I.D: Aragorn Drinking the Ass-Soup. If he can eat that, I can drink some Jaeger. And he’s 87. Riding off to battle, claiming Lordship over a land, defeating the biggest threat to the land in thousands of years. At 87. When I’m that old, I’ll be falling asleep in front of the TV at 8pm while drooling on myself. ‘’

3:39 – Arwen time. Sweet. Off to espn.com.

3:44 – Ok, Arwen scene is over. I’ve regained consciousness.

3:49 – Do Orcs masturbate?

3: 53 – I never understood why Grima is shown with a tear on his face. Is he happy because he will be on the side of victory? Or is he sad because he is a Man, and he realizes what he has done.

3:55 – More Arwen and Aragon. I think I just swallowed my tongue.

4:01 – Hugo Weaving has the coolest eyebrows in Hollywood.

4:03 – R.I.D: Eye of Sauron, Isengard unleashed, use of the word “cloven”

4:08 – Did the men of Gondor also brew Aspen Edge?

4:21 – What’s the cutoff point between a “host” and a “great host”?. I say a host is between a hundred and a thousand, and great host is anything after that.

4:26 – Seriously, I would nail Eowyn.

4:31 – “Where is the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing? They have passed like rain on the mountain.” Excellent example of transplanting from book to movie. Love that poem.

4:33 – R.I.D: Aragorn getting ready for war, Legolas speaking pretentiously.

4:34 – Alright. The Elves come to help at Helm’s Deep. I’m not super offended by this, but it kinda negates the whole point of the Last Alliance, doesn’t it?

4:35 – Aragon awkwardly hugs Haldir.

4:46 – R.I.D: First Orc casualty at Helm’s Deep, The death shriek, Orc getting axed in the balls, Legolas surfing.

4:52 – More R.I.D: Impaled by a battering ram, tossing a dwarf, Aragorn’s incredible upper body strength.

4:55 – E-town went to piss again. He is strategically pissing during the Merry/Pip/Treebeard scenes. Wow, he’s back already. Whatever.

4:57 – So, the Ents take like 4 hours to figure out that Merry and Pip are not Orcs, but then Treebeard bellows, and in 5 seconds they are ready for war? Really?

4:59 – My favorite chord change in the movie: The Last March of the Ents.

5:04 – “Fell deeds awake! Now for wrath! Now for ruin! For the red dawn!” Chills….

5:09 – I mean, I love the movies so I look past it, but seriously, what the hell was PJ thinking having Frodo reveal the Ring to the Nazgul? It just doesn’t make any sense. Didn’t really need to do that to show how the Ring is driving a wedge between Sam and Frodo. Even heading to Osgiliath in general. I don’t get it.

5:13 – Imagine Gollum taking a vacation in Miami. Tanning.

5:15 – So, Saruman was smoking Longbottom Leaf the whole time?

5:16 – Imagine smoking someone’s distant relative.

5:19 – What if Ben Roethlisberger played Legolas?

5:23 – Disc 4 over. Two Towers running time: 3 hours and 36 minutes. We’re pretty much out of Jaeger, so we’re on our way to the store. We’ll be back in a sec.

5:51 – Well, that took a little longer than we expected. No detours though. Just straight to the liquor store, where the storekeeper had a Macalester alum as a brother and a sister who lived in Portland. That wasn’t exciting.

5:52 – The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King starts. This is it. We’re on the home stretch.

5:53 – I wonder what it is about Smeagol that caused him to kill for the Ring the first time he sees it. No one else did that. I mean, he’s a hobbit, right? I thought hobbits were resilient to the evil of the Ring. Interesting.

5:55 – How amusing would it be if there was a black hobbit? African-American,walking around the Shire with a giant afro or corn rows. That’d be money.

6:02 – E-town just let out a giant burp, it was kinda gross.

6:04 – Palantir = Middle Earth cell phone. VerEYEzon. Sorry.

6:09 – I think I’m running out of amusing things to say. It must be the gallons of Jaeger running through my blood. How pretentious is it that I keep writing Jaeger instead of Jager?

6:10 – R.I.D: Gandalf gets blasted by Saruman, Legolas’ unbelievable aim, the drinking game in Edoras.

6:13 – Sure he’s a wizard, but does Gandalf have to wear white all the time? He just looks ridiculous in the Golden Hall when everyone is celebrating. Do you think the wizards resent whatever color they’re given (Radagast the Brown, Palando and Alatar the Blue) because that means that’s what they must wear every day? What if he was Gandalf the Olive Green? That would be terrible. Saruman the Poop.

6:17 – E-town wants to know: who is more jacked, Gollum or Marc Bulger? At gunpoint, I go with Gollum. He’s got more wiry, survival strength. No way Marc Bulger could’ve led Frodo and Sam into Mordor.

6:19 – Why is Eowyn sleeping in the middle of the room with all of the lights on? Is that comfortable? She wants Aragorn’s D so bad. So does Grace. But not as much as Brad Pitt. If anyone read this whole blog to this point, ask Grace about her huge “Who I’d Do It With” Tournament. Brad Pitt was of course number one. Funniest Entry: Xzibit was number 6! Isn’t that hilarious?

6:28 – Alright. So the first few drinks were 2 shots and Red Bull. Then we started going through the booze so quick that we slowed it down to one shot per drink. Fortunately we got a whole ‘nother bottle of Jaeger, so now I’m up to 3 shots per.

6:30 – Dude, Elrond is a horrible father. I mean, he doesn’t encourage his daughter at all. Yeah, she might die. So what? Do you wanna live for 50, 000 years? That’d be awful and boring.

6:31 – I haven’t pooped yet today.

6:32 – Andruil, the Sword that was Broken has been Reforged. How fucking pimp is that?

6:33 – E-town just put the booklet for the movie on top of his head.

6:35 – Denethor Morken-Simmers.

6:36 – Direct quote from E-town: “I can force myself to shit.”

6:38 – Well, I had to do it. I had to poop. I really didn’t want to ever pause the movie, but I couldn’t wait any longer. Thankfully, E-town had to poop as well, so we both sprinted in to the bathroom, and came out at the same time. It was remarkable. E-town says “Huge awkward shit. I tried, but nothing came out.” I guess his statement from 6:36 was proved untrue.

6:41 – Top 3 overactors in the Trilogy: 3. Hugo Weaving (Elrond) 2. John Noble (Denethor) 1. Brad Dourif (Wormtongue). I don’t mind, of course, the story is somewhat Shakespearean, and overacting is appropriate. If however, your movie stars Chow Yun-Fat, overacting would be wildly out of place.

6:47 – If Gandalf got emphysema from smoking too much, would he know it? Would he be able to do anything about it? I mean, does Gandalf need bandaids? Aspirin? Most of my humor comes from anachronisms. Matt, you’re probably the only one who’s read this far. Congrats.

6:49 – I just took huge 3 drinks for the Witch-King of Angmar I love that character. Whoever designed him just got it perfect. Sinister. Powerful. Straight out of your goddam worst night-mare. After Sauron, if I could see more of any one character, it would definitely be the fucking Witch-King.

6:54 – E-town is hilarious. All day he has been complaining about his sock because it has been twisting and riding up on his ankle. I’m like, “Dude, take it off.” He says, “Nah, its too cold.” Weirdo. He still has the booklet on his head.

6:58 – E-town just launched into a huge story about how badass the Maoris are. Y’know what? He’s right. The Maoris are definitely my favorite indigenous people.

6:59 – The Lighting of the Beacons is the culmination and king of epic shots throughout the entire trilogy. Unbelievable, gives me chills. I just did 4 drinks in its honor.

7:02 – E-town and I just agreed to take a drink if we get a “man-urge”. All you dudes out there know what I’m talking about. Looks like I’ll be drinking every time Eowyn appears. I mean, um, Grace appears. What?

7:06 – Just finished the 3-shot drink. It was good. I’m gonna make a 4-shotter. This can’t end well.

7:10 – Never mind. 4 shots is too much. Just another 3-shotter is good. We’re not even on the last disc. I’m on the precipice of meltdown.

7:12 – The Wizard’s Pupil scene between Boromir and Denethor is unbelievable. The acting in this movie, supported by a compelling story, is spectacular. I can’t rave about this enough. The story, though admittedly about fantastic adventures, is grounded in daily truths. Living up to your expectations. Friendship. Honor. Family. Pride. And even more detailed: Trying to make your dad proud. I mean, what son has not felt, at some point, a failure in the eyes of their dad? This movie just works on all levels. Huge sentimental drunk.

7:19 – Denethor’s admission that he wishes Faramir dead in Boromir’s stead is heartbreaking.

7:21 – When Gollum frames Sam, the same music is played as when Gollum first attacks the two in Emyn Muil.

7:25 – Man, watching all the movies back-to-back-to-back makes Frodo’s dismissal of Sam all the more horrible.

7:26 – Random Gondorian maiden = Man-urge = drink.

7:28 – The sacrifice of Faramir, while Billy Boyd sings, haunting and beautiful.

7:30 – What if Frodo got a pilonidal cyst on the way to Mordor? Why not? Its just as likely that he get one as I get one. I mean, hobbits are hairy, I’m sure they got ‘em. That would be so inconvenient. I wonder if the power of the Ring could cure such an ailment.

7:32 – R.I.D – Legolas speaks pretentiously. We probably should’ve made this a rule. Oh well.

7:38 – Gotta drink to Andruil. “Sauron will not have forgotten the sword of Elendil.”

7:42 – Just so you know, Eowyn has given me about 6 man-urges in the last 10 minutes. That’s six drinks. It takes me forever to type these lines.

7:47 – When you think about it, there was really nothing preventing PJ from having Aragon busting out an AK-47 and just dominating Middle Earth. There was no legal obligation. No financial one, he’d already been paid. That’s just pure integrity.

7:51 – Awkward for the FX guys to have their dead different from the dead in Pirates of the Caribbean.

7:59 – Brief bathroom and PB&J break. E-town is drunk right now, he just admitted it.

8:01 – Sure its satisfying, but when Gandalf beats down Denethor with his staff, its not very Gandalf-like.

8:06 – Alright, I can’t list everything we’re drinking to at this point. I mean, it’s the Siege of Gondor, the Battle of the Pellenor Fields, it’s the culminating battle of Middle Earth. Look at it this way, we’re pretty much going to be drinking to everything at this point. I’ll list major things as they occur, but just assume that we’re pretty much drinking to every single goddamn thing.

8:09 – 5th disc over. This is it. The War of the Ring. The fate of middle earth hangs in the balance, and E-town is making a Pizza Sandwich.

8:15 – Started the last disc. E-town has a sandwich in the toaster. He’s wasted. This disc is going to dominate us. Prepare for horrible blogging.

8:17 – What’s up with all the light in Shelob’s cave? Shelob. Definitely Jewish.

8:21 – What would happen if Shelob ate the Ring? Would she be powerful? Would Sauron focus all of his forces on her?

8:23 – What’s up with everyone and the fake deaths? Gollum, Sam, Frodo, Gandalf, Aragorn….just chill out, dammit.

8:32 – Just poured another 3-shotter.

8:33 – If you’ve made it this far reading this blog, please comment. I’d like to know who loves LOTR as much as I do. Grace, E-Town, Matt…this is you. I’m drunk.

8:37 – E-town just bitched about his sock again.

8:45 – “Ride now! Ride now! To the world’s ending!” I LOVE THIS GODDAM MOVIE!!!!!!!!!

8:47 – HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:47 – I’m panicking right now! I love this movie! BEST MOVIE EVER!!! We watched the Witch-King dominate Gandalf 5 TIMES!

8:48 – MELT-DOWN!

8:48 – Hobbits being heroic!

8:50 – Huge jacked Southron Leader!

8:54 – We both so wasted right now.

8:55 – Best movie ever. So you know what’s number one on my list. So what. BEST MOVIE EVER!!!!

8:57 – Difference between this movie and other “war” movies. Here comes the random quiet scene. Pippen has so much pain on his face. Gandalf comforts him with talk of the green shores beyond. I love this movie.

9:01 – LOVE THE WITCH-KINGS DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:04 – I AM NO MAN!!!!

9:07 – Huge drink to Legolas’ Oliphant kill. Huge. Best. Movie. Ever.

9:11 – We just took a drunk piss. That’s right, we are definitely drunk. We’ve almost finished off two bottles of Jaeger. I’ll tell you when they’re both gone.

9:14 – Y’know, I love Grace, but its probably a good thing she isn’t here. This is one of those things that you do with guys. Grace – sorry, you probably shouldn’t have read that.

9:17 – Cell phone graveyard (If you don’t get what that means, understand that we’re drunk.)

9:19 – Movies interrupted by a huge Jake(s) phone call. And for the record, Jake(s) bet me $1 that the Twins would win the World Series.

9:33 – We’ve just poured our last drink. There is a final shot waiting for the end of the movie. We have rationed this drink to last us till the end. We made it. We’ll see you when Middle Earth is safe.

9:34 – Eowyn just prompted a man-urge. Drink.

9:38 – Had to rewind because E-town couldn’t understand what was going on.

9:42 – E-town: “Sam is so tough, dude.”

9:43 – Sam helps Frodo up. Drink.

9:50 – Mouth of Sauron. We’ve watched the scene twice now.

9:52 – “I don’t believe it. I will not.”

9:54 – MEN OF THE WEST!! These movies have gotten better watching back-to-back-to-back.

9:59 – This is it…

10:01 – The eagles are coming!

10:08 – The Ring is destroyed….

10:09 – The power of Sauron diminishes. He fades into the abyss…forever knawing at his own shapeless form…

10:10 – Frodo and Sam…

10:11 – Frodo is free. The weight of the Ring is over.

10: 12 – “I’m glad to be with you Samwise Gamgee. Here at the end of all things.”

10:13 – The look on Elijah’s face…in the claws of the Eagles…you can’t direct it. You have to feel that pain.

10:15 – The Fellowship reunites. The most important member, Sam. Frodo couldn’t have done it without Sam.

10:17 – Can’t avoid the sarcastic comment: When did Aragorn decide that he would let his beard grow out nice and full? While he was a Ranger was he thinking “Well, I’d better shave really shitty because I’m a Ranger. Once I’m King, I’ll let the beard look good.”

10:21 – Huge moment. The King of Gondor bows to the hobbits. I love that scene.

10:23 – You kill Shelob, Rosie ain’t that big of a deal.

10:26 – E-town just awkwardly farted.

10:28 – The Grey Havens.

10:29 – “Here at last on the shores of the sea, comes the end of the Fellowship. I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are evil.”

10:32 – I don’t want this to be over….

10:33 – Into the West…

10:35 – "Well, I’m back."

Alright, the movie is over. E-town is going to the bathroom. I must say, I have to go to the bathroom. But, before I do, let me just say…this has been the most enjoyable cinematic experience of my life. I mean, I’ve loved these movies up until now, but I’ve never truly understood them. Watching them from start to finish, I fully understand what the filmmakers were trying to accomplish. Watching everything at once is such a journey that I identify with Frodo and Sam. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I guess I can’t expect anyone to understand this unless they’ve done it. For those of you that have seen all three movies separately, I urge you to watch them all. This really is the only way to experience the Lord of the Rings. Just as the book should not be taken as a trilogy (like Tolkien wanted) so should the films be considered a single epic film. I love this movie.

Ok. Now its been about 2 hours since the movie (yes, now I consider the whole trilogy a single movie) ended. We’ve been watching some of the extras, I’ve sobered up a bit, and I’ve compiled my favorite moments from the movie. For those of you who need help (and if you’ve made it this far, I don’t think that you should) I’ve listed the “traditional” division of the movie. FOTR = Fellowship, TTT = Two Towers, ROTK = Return of the King. Here ya go (And yes, they are in order within their group)

Honorable Mention:

Helm’s Deep Berserker (TTT)
Aragorn Denies Eowyn (ROTK)
Cave Troll Attacks Fellowship (FOTR)

4th Team All Movie:

The Oliphaunts Arrive (ROTK)
The Eagles Arrive (ROTK)
“Give them a moment, for pity’s sake!” (FOTR)
Butterbur in the pub (FOTR)
Aragorn and the Nazgul on Weathertop (FOTR)

3rd Team All Movie:

Lurtz licks blade (FOTR)
Horn of Helm Hammerhand (TTT)
The Summoning of the Dead (ROTK)
“You bow to no one.” (ROTK)

2nd Team All Movie:

Gandalf Comes From the East (TTT)
The Ride of the Rohirrim (ROTK)
The Mouth of Sauron Beheaded (ROTK)
The Insane Southron Leader (ROTK)
Legolas Defeats The Oliphaunt (ROTK)

Top 5 Moments:

5. The Sacrifice of Faramir (ROTK)
4. Gandalf Staff is Broken (ROTK)
3. Gollum Falls Into the Fire (ROTK)
2. The Death of the Witch-King (ROTK)
1. “You Cannot Pass!” (FOTR)

I’m exhausted. I’m proud of anyone who’s made it this far. Goodnight.

Interlude: Years

2005-01-28T18:35:00.000-08:00

Ok, not that I've gone through 90 of my least favorite movies ever, its time for a little interlude. Not an interlude from lists or movies, but one nonetheless. You can expect random interludes like this throughout the unveiling of T-Biggs, so, umm, I dunno...

Anyway, I have analyzed which years are important cinematically. I've done this in two ways. First, the number of movies that I've seen from a given year, and second, the average ranking of a given year (10 movies minimum). Alright, here we go:

Here's the format. Year (# seen from that year)

23. 1930 (1)
1939 (1)
1945 (1)
1946 (1)
1947 (1)
1956 (1)
1958 (1)
1959 (1)
1963 (1)
1965 (1)
1972 (1)

22. 1956 (2)
1957 (2)
1960 (2)
1962 (2)
1967 (2)
1968 (2)
1973 (2)
1974 (2)
1976 (2)
1979 (2)
1982 (2)

21. 1964 (3)
1971 (3)

20. 1975 (4)
1981 (4)

19. 1977 (5)
1978 (5)
1983 (5)

18. 1980 (7)

17. 1984 (8)
1985 (8)

16. 1986 (10)

15. 1987 (11)
1988 (11)

14. 1989 (20)
1990 (20)

13. 1991 (22)

12. 1992 (24)

11. 2004 (34)

10. 1993 (36)
2002 (36)

9. 2001 (39)

8. 2003 (41)

7. 1995 (49)

6. 1994 (50)

5. 1997 (51)

4. 1996 (53)

3. 1998 (54)

2. 2000 (55)

1. 1999 (64)

Alright, that was actually kinda boring. Let's take a look now at the quality of movie year. So, I'm going to list the year, and then the average ranking of every movie I saw from that year. Remember, 10 movie minimum.

Alright, same format. Rank, movie, avg. ranking.

19. 1997 (460.63)
18. 2000 (452.02)
17. 1995 (449.75)
16. 1996 (441.38)
15. 1999 (440.98)
14. 1994 (439.98)
13. 1993 (438.42)
12. 1998 (406.61)
11. 2002 (405.42)
10. 1992 (391.20)
9. 2001 (369.41)
8. 1991 (348.73)
7. 1990 (341.80)
6. 2003 (340.02)
5. 1987 (330.18)
4. 1989 (290.7)
3. 2004 (273. 22)
2. 1986 (260.5)
1. 1988 (242)

That's right! 1988 is over all the best movie year in my life. Sure, its best movie is "The Last Temptation of Christ", but its worst is "Scrooged". That's a solid lineup. Not a lot of crap. I love dumb stuff like this.

Alright, I'm out.

699-675

2005-01-26T11:05:00.000-08:00

Before I jump in again, thanks to all who are putting up with my considerable hubris. Its quite a self-indulgent thing to publish such a list, and I acknowledge that. I guess blogging is somewhat self-indulgent, unless you are reporting...but anyway. I hope you are enjoying what I have so far.

699. Wagon's East (1994) D: Peter Markle

Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

698. Altered States (1980) D: Ken Russell

Back when I was super-pretentious about movies (last year), this movie would've made my top 200 simply because everyone who saw it hated it. Its edgy, disturbing, wierd 80s FX...I would've taken some sort of wierd high road to convince people that I was a true movie buff. But really, its just William Hurt running around a zoo in a wolf costume. Stupid.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

697. The Cutting Edge (1992) D: Paul Michael Glaser

Directed by the original Hutch from "Starsky and Hutch". Great.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

696. Escape from LA (1996) D: John Carpenter

I understand that Carpenter is a Hollywood icon. He made the original "Halloween" and "Assault on Precinct 13. Doesn't excuse this miserable madness. Plisken plays basketball?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Pliskin turns the lights off.

695. Heavyweights (1995) D: Steven Brill

An overblown excuse for Hollywood to buy parents into kids movies. Lame excuse for a "its whats on the inside that counts." Of course, a quality script would be nice. And less annoying kids.

Performance to Savor: Ben Stiller
Memorable Moment: None

694. Final Destination (2000) D: James Wong

I saw the edited version of this at Hilton Head, which probably reduced the effectiveness, and I actually liked the first third of the movie. But, it just unravelled at the end, as our hero figured out what to do. I'd expect more from a man who's directed multiple X-Files episodes.

Performance to Savor: Tony Todd
Memorable Moment: None

693. What Lies Beneath (2000) D: Robert Zemeckis

Another flick that Grace will be mad at me for having so low. When will I get to the movies that other people will be mad at me for? Anyway, Harrison Ford definitely has the ability to play a bad guy, he just doesn't show it here. Not creepy, not scary, not anything...just bad.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

692. Crash (1996) D: David Cronenberg

Arguably the dumbest plot of all time. People are sexually stimulated by car crashes. Followed by the sequel: "Fellating Gurneys".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

691. Men in Black II (2002) D: Barry Sonnenfeld

The exact same plot as MiB. Literally! I couldn't believe it. Smith and Jones skate by on charisma.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

INSERT -- Houseguest (1995) D: Randall Miller

So this is what happens when you compile a list of this magnitude: you miss things. Just to keep my sanity, movies that I put in after the original list was finished well be marked as such. Only good thing about this movie is that it turned me on to the comedic genius of Phil Hartman.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

NOTE: At this point we are still in the movies that I rate with 1 star. I forgot to mention the cutoffs. The bottom of the list started at zero stars, until Jaws: The Revenge, and then everything else had a half star, until National Lampoon's Senior Trip. Sorry 'bout that. I'll keep you up to date from now on.

690. So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993) D: Thomas Schlamme

Myers' first movie after Wayne's World/SNL, so it still has a stilted/episodic feel. I guess all of his movies feel that way, and it is, in my opinion, what is holding him back from genuine comedy.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

689. Senseless (1998) D: Penelope Spheeris

Appropriately titled.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

688. Little Nicky (2000) D: Steven Brill

Let's face it, Adam Sandler's only good movies are Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. He needs that "fish out of water" comedic situation to strive. I guess the difference between earth and hell are not enough to truly play that card.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

687. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1993) D: Stuart Gillard

The poor kiddies. They love the TMNT, and the studios step them in front of this shit cannon. I mean, the Turtles in Time? Really?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

686. Hocus Pocus (1993) D: Kenny Ortega

Pimple salad.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

685. Fear (1996) D: James Foley

Marky Mark dons full lengths pants and shirts and proves that adding a last name provides considerable clout to screen presence. Sadly. the rest of the cast belongs on the sun.

Performance to Savor: Mark Wahlburg
Memorable Moment: None

684. In & Out (1997) D: Frank Oz

One of Hollywood's first honest attempts at the "Gay comedy", so I'll give 'em that. But, they needed a few more tries to get it right.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

683. The Substitute (1996) D: Robert Mandel

Normally, holding the original accountable for its dreadful sequels is stupid, but c'mon, The Substitute 4? Is that what people want to see? Are you sure?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

682. Virtuosity (1995) D: Brett Leonard

That two titans of drama, Denzel and Russell, are responsible for this corruption makes me feel better about my wasted life.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

681. Broken Arrow (1996) D: John Woo

You know when you're playing pickup ball, and there's a dude on the court who's terrible at basketball? You know what I'm talking about. But, then, one game, he gets hot for 2-3 plays, and suddenly he thinks he's way better than he is, and starts trying things (fadeaway j's, no-look passes, reverse layins) that he's just not capable of. Pulp Fiction was John Travoltas 1 good play. This is his no-look pass.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

680. Good Burger (1997) D: Brian Robbins

Gimmicks suck. They're abominable. Good Burger came to us in an orange cassette. Now, that's the only thing I remember about it. Way to be Nick.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

679. Booty Call (1997) D: Jeff Pollack

Jeff Pollack was responsible for "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", a comic and important analysis of race relations, economic class structures, and alienated youth. This negates all that.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

678. Say It Isn't So (2001) D: James B. Rogers

"There's Something About Mary" spawned a legion of gross-out comedies. This is the off-spring of gun-raped retarded nuns.

Performance to Savor: Orlando Jones
Memorable Moment: None

677. Camp Nowhere (1994) D: Jonathan Prince

I got nothin'.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

676. Drop Zone (1994) D: John Badham

Y'know, Wesley Snipes has never been in a good movie, has he? Well, "Major League" and "White Men Can't Jump", but the rest just vasectomies, huh?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

675. Beverly Hills Ninja (1997) D: Dennis Dugan

This isn't bad because of Farley. This isn't bad because of Dugan. This isn't bad because of the script. This isn't bad because of the plot. This is bad because its got that dude from Mortal Kombat.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None