674-650

Matty -- I'm using Xcel.

Alright, after my massive Jaeger-Thon on Saturday, I should've been completely burned out on LOTR. Alas, I'm not. I had a huge urge to watch ROTK last night, and the only thing stopping me was my need for sleep. Anyway, back to The List.

674. Extreme Measures (1996) D: Michael Apted

You know the part in "The Royal Tenenbaums", where Royal is talking to Danny Glover, claiming to have always been a bastard, and Glover's like, "No, you're more of a son-of-a-bitch". That is so funny because Gene Hackman always plays either a Son-of-a-Bitch or a Bastard in every single movie he's been in. Think about it. He's probably the best type-cast actor of all time, I guess cuz his "type" still has room for variation. Maybe this comment should be moved to "The Royal Tenenbaums". Hopefully I'll think of something else to say by then.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

673. Drive Me Crazy (1999) D: John Schultz

Even Clarissa can't explain this derivative piece of bloody elephant amputations.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

672. The Real McCoy (1993) D: Russell Mulchay

You know that friend you have in high school who's parents aren't really around, and whenever you wanna watch R-rated movies, you go over to their house? Well, I don't even remember if this is R or PG-13 ( to lazy to go to imdb) but I do know I wasn't allowed to watch it. So, I went to Scott Stigliano's (who allegedly got a blowjob on the school bus) and checked this one out. I felt really guilty, and vowed never to do such a thing again, resulting in my experience with Barb Wire. Oh yeah, Scott lived in an apartment behind the real estate office.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

671. George of the Jungle (1997) D: Sam Weisman

The best kiddie movies are the ones who simply entertain the young-uns rather than insult and condescend 'em. There's something about a self-aware narrator which reeks of laziness and crib death. It also doesn't help that I worked at McDonald's during the GOTJ promotion.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

670. Never Been Kissed (1999) D: Raja Gosnell

David Arquette has regular sex. With Courteney Cox. How is this possible?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

669. Lake Placid (1999) D: Steve Miner

I saw this because when I worked at Hollywood Star's Video Store in Madras, it was easily the most rented movie of the summer. Easily. This is the same year that sported Being John Malcovich, Toy Story 2, and Election. Ahh, Madras.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

668. The Mighty Ducks 3 (1996) D: Robert Lieberman

The Mighty Ducks 4 is planned. Yes, you heard me. Apparently Charlie is grown up, gets in trouble with the law, is ordered to coach a bunch of pee-wee hockey misfits, can't handle it, contacts his long-lost former mentor, leads the group to success. Didn't someone speak once about history repeating itself and doom or something like that?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

667. Richie Rich (1994) D: Donald Petrie

I love watching Macaulay Culkin deal with bumbling, inept burglers in ways clever beyond his years.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

Insert: Pinocchio

If you've seen this, you can see why I completely forgot about it.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

666. U.S. Marshalls (1998) D: Stuart Baird

This is actually billed as a sequel to the Fugitive. Seriously. I would take the time to rant and rave about the glut of unnecessary sequels which is choking Hollywood's creativity, but my vas deferens just evaporated.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

665. Fools Rush In (1997) D: Andy Tennant

There has been only one legitimately good movie starring one of the Friends. The Good Girl with Jennifer Aniston. That's the only gooddamn one, and I don't wanna watch Chanandaler Bong fumble his way around the pristine beauty of Salma Hayek. I'd rather watch insane bums defecate on the Mona Lisa.

664. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998) D: Danny Cannon

Timing, timing, timing. This POS came during the deluge of late 90s teen-hottie horror movies. WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY? Cheap scares, bad acting, and Freddie Prinze Jr. Phooey.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

663. Revenge of the Nerds (1984) D: Jeff Kanew

We are approaching the section of the list were there are movies that I should like, and I could name all of the reasons why I should, but I unexplainably don't. This movie is fun to watch. The Nerds take on the Jocks, and win. Its funny, uplifting, light. And yet...it sucks. So bad. I just don't think it works. Just my opinion. I know its a cult classic (maybe). Whatever.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

662. Blown Away (1994) D: Stephen Hopkins

I would say that Tommy Lee Jones is a good actor, in fact, I would even go so far as saying that he's one of my favorite ones...but I can't figure out why. Look at all the movies that have starred him that are so low on this list. Could it be that despite the fact that he is in so many movies, I gravitate towards him because he's the best thing about those abominations?

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

661. Demolition Man (1993) D: Marco Brambilla

This movie starts Sandra Bullock, Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes, and the Warden from the Shawshank Redemption. Who would've thought that...I'm not going anywhere with this.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

660. The Net (1995) D: Irwin Winkler

Two Sandra Bullock movies in a row. Way to be Sandy, you're awesome. Has she been in anything good that doesn't involve getting train-banged by Keanu Reeves? Anyway, this movie seems to be about 2 years a head of its time. Shit, it came out when I was in 7th grade. I thought the internet was the name of a temp agency. Only, I didn't really know what a temp agency was. I guess I still believed in the omniscience and justice of the government. Mostly that's because I was allowed to skip my Social Studies class to make a T.A.G. claymation video about the Bill of Rights.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

659. The Scout (1994) D: Michael Ritchie

Pass.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

658. Renaissance Man (1994) D: Penny Marshall

Here's a lesson young man: If your girlfriend asks you to go to a movie, you've got to be careful. Shit, it could be called "Rambo and Terminator hunt, skin, and mutilate Subway Jared...and Porn" and written by Joe Eszterhas (the guy who wrote Robocop and Showgirls...again, too lazy to imdb), but if its directed by Penny Marshall, watch out. Your balls will fall off and the resulting hole will fill up with ovaries.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

657. Sudden Death (1995) D: Peter Hyams

Jean. Claude. Van. Damn, this was a bad idea.

Sorry, that was the best I could do.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

656. Touch (1997) D: Paul Schrader

Elaine! Elaine! Do women know about shrinkage?

What?

You know...when a man goes swimming...afterwards....

It shrinks?

Yes.

Why does it shrink?

It just does.

I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

Sorry. I dozed off.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

655. Terminal Velocity (1994) D: Deran Sarafian

When I reviewed Drop Zone earlier, I actually had this movie in mind. But, this ones cooler because its got Charlie Sheen instead of Snipes. I know Snipes is more badass, nominally, but who'd you rather have a beer with?

That's what I thought.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

654. Hidalgo (2004) D: Joe Johnston

You know, I am slightly annoyed when an actor in Hollywood pretty much acts the same character in every movie they're in, and no one notices them...for obvious reasons. Then, they back into a quality movie, with a good director, a solid supporting cast, and a high production value, but, they play the same roll as they always have. It fits perfectly into the movie, and everyone claims that this actor has arrived, and he/she enjoys uber success. Then, in their next flick without all that magic, they keep doing the same shit, it doesn't work, and its label a disappointment. Its like, didn't you see it coming??

I love LOTR, no suprise, but Viggo is not the best thing about it. He's good, but of everyone, he's the only one who is noticably acting. Lets just say that Joe Johnston is no PJ.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

653. Last Action Hero (1993) D: John McTiernan

Meta-cinema is a powerful tool by which a clever director can imbue a certain sense of satire and wit into a film. Has anyone ever heard of a quality "action-satire" Um...

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

652. The 13th Warrior (1999) D: John McTiernan

E-town claims that the book, which I didn't read, was incredible. He was therefore shocked when I told him that this was a scorched piece of Al Pacino's soggy ass.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

651. A Man Apart (2003) D: F. Gary Gray

I watched this beast on the plane to Europe. I was bored, desperately seeking some sort of entertainment. Ahh...a movie. I'll watch it. That this couldn't provide entertainment on some primitive level attests to its hideousness.

Performance to Savor: None

Memorable Moment: None

650. The Prophecy (1999) D: Gregory Widen

In theory, a perfect role for Chris Walken (by the way, I hate it when people who obviously have no connection to a celeb, refer to them by nickname): Creepy, intelligent, gruesome. Unfortunately, this script required that others appear on film as well.

Performance to Savor: Christopher Walken

Memorable Moment: None

LOTR Jaeger-Thon

Today E-Town and I had a LOTR Marathon. I now appreciate the movie more than I....well, I'll get into that later. The log is accurate, that is, I typed my thoughts at the time that is listed. So, I hope you like it. Oh yeah: GIANT WARNING: THE FOLLOWING BLOG WILL BE MASSIVELY LOTR INTENSIVE. IF YOU ARE PREGNANT (nice, you put out...) OR JUST NOT IN TO LOTR, PLEASE ABORT (bad joke, sorry)

LOTR Jaegerthon – Log

10:06 – After a brief delay (eggs, computer heating up), we have started the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Here we go.

10:09 – The Last Alliance marches on Mt. Doom. When I first saw this scene, I was amazed, and knew that I was in for something special. Fuck, Sauron is badass. I wish there was more of him throughout the trilogy than just an Eye.

10:13 – Even after reading the book and watching the movies, I still don’t fully understand the nature of the One Ring. Its sentience, true power, its effect on the weak, and I don’t mind. The power of Tolkien’s writing comes not only from what he put into the books, but from what he left out as well. Its up to the reader to imagine how the Ring might manifest its evil.

10:21 – Worst British accent: Kevin Costner in “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” or Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins? I go with Costner, because at least Wood tries. And, its fairly passable at times. Oh yeah, I would get romantically involved with Ian McKellan.

10:30 – When Gandalf pulls on Merry and Pip’s ears and says “Meriadoc Brandybuck, and Peregrin Took”, when I first saw it, I thought he was speaking a different language.

10:39 – I’m remembering how confusing the movie is, the first time you watch it, knowing nothing about the books. When Gandalf goes to Minis Tirith, with Mordor in the background, I had no idea what was going on. Knowing the book, now, I understand how difficult it was for the filmmakers to condense 2000 years of history into comprehensive film opening. E-town and I decided that I would make a good hobbit. Bushy hair, hairy feet, picking my ear…I could do it.

10:45 – I hate how Elijah says Sauron by rhyming “Sau” with “now”. He makes it sound like Now-ron. Stupid.

10:50 – E-town randomly gets up and goes into his room. Now, he’s in the bathroom. Oh, he’s brushing his teeth. The dude can’t relax. We’re watching LOTR all day long, and he’s still pimped out with jeans and combed hair. Maybe he’s stressed out because he had money stolen from him last night. That’s rough.

11:01 – Just noticed something. When they first encounter the Nazgul on the road, I used to think that the Black Rider had bugs coming out of him. Nope, they were running away from him.

11:10 – One of my top scenes from the trilogy: The four black riders, swords drawn, riding through the inn and Butterbur has a look of sheer terror on his face.

11:25 – Elvish is the most beautiful language I’ve ever heard.

11:27 – After Aragorn torched the wraiths on weathertop, where did they get new robes? Magic? Bree? I need to know these things.

11:32 – So, in Rivendell, when Frodo gets the Ring back, and its on a chain, presumably an elf had to touch it to put it on the chain. Was that elf tempted? If not, why not? If so, why didn’t he just take the Ring? Perhaps Gandalf was standing over him. Or maybe Gandalf used his magic to weave a chain through the Ring.

11:38 – E-town is “resting his eyes”. Nice.

11:40 – Boromir acting super awkward with Aragorn.

11:46 – What the hell is Legolas wearing at the Council of Elrond? A giant gown?

11:50 – FIGWIT!

11:52 – First disc over. Quick break to make Jaeg-bombs, then we’ll start back up again.

12:00 – Disc 2.

12:13 – So this is our drinking game: 1 drink whenever the Ring is shown, 1 drink whenever there’s a huge “sweeping” scene or crescendoing music, 1 drink whenever something happens that you have to had read the book to get it, 1 drink whenever hobbits act hobbitty, and lastly 1 drink whenever something happens that deserves a drink. That’s my favorite rule.

12:19 – Recent impromptu drinks (R.I.D): Gimli freaking out when he sees that Moria is a tomb, the Watcher in the Water bursting out, Legolas with an improbable arrow shot

12:23 – I never really noticed the incredible acting in this movie, which I think is a sign of incredible acting. They seem so natural which is unusual, because the whole trilogy is bathed in unfamiliarity. The look on Frodo’s face when Gandalf reminds him that he was meant to have the Ring is amazing.

12:25 – Gandalf should put his hair in corn rows.

12:28 – R.I.D: Legolas speaking pretentiously, drums in the deep, Aragorn beheads an Orc, the Cave Trolls club

12:33 – I feel like Cave Trolls get a bad rap. They’re perceived as dumb, but that’s only because they can’t talk. I mean, they take orders at Pellenor Fields, effectively manipulate tools. They’re definitely smarter than dolphins. Probably like 8 year-olds.

12:35 – When Gandalf says “There’s more to this outfit than meets the eye” after Frodo gets stabbed, is he referring to the Fellowship, or Frodo’s clothes.

12:39 – R.I.D: “A demon of the ancient world”, “No one tosses a dwarf”, “Not the beard”

12:42 – Huge 4 drinks for me. The “You Cannot Pass” scene. I love it. Its my favorite part of the whole trilogy. I get chills every time I see it. Every time.

12:43 – One of the things I think that the movies do better than the books (blasphemy, I know) is the humanity that Sean Bean gives to Boromir. Sure he’s a flawed character, but he’s doing it for love of country, family, and honor. I would like to think that my flaws come from those nobilities, but of course they don’t. As an example: “Give them a moment for pity’s sake.”

12:45 – I’m an idiot. My phone is sitting next to the computer here, and I thought it was the mouse. I moved it around on the ottoman, looking for the cursor to move. What a dork.

12:49 – How come Celeborn speaks so slowly? Is he retarded? Horse tranquilizers?

12:53 – At the Council, In Lorian, Boromir is always hearing voices in his head. He should talk to someone about that.

12:54 – I love how the music connects the trilogy. Every time Boromir speaks, the Gondor theme from ROTK plays.

12:56 – Lorien is so boring. SO boring. Easily my least favorite scene of the entire trilogy. Better than 75% of all movies.

12:58 – R.I.D: Legolas speaking pretentiously, Sam’s poem, Galadriel’s nuclear meltdown

1:00 – E-town just cracked all the vertebrae in his back. And he wonders why he has to see a Chiropractor.

1:01 – I think modern theory of genetics contradicts the fact that the orcs are ruined elves. Mutilated and destroyed. You can’t pass on acquired traits. LOTR is not realistic. Oh.

1:04 – Dominic Monaghan’s fucked up jaw.

1:09 – It is now 1:09. They spent 24 goddamn minutes in Lorian, and nothing happened. Imagine 24 minutes in “Commando”. Arnie would kill like 400 people.

1:10 – The Hobbits have Macalester-big hair. Aragorn has Peter Harle hair.

1:12 – Would you get more or less ass if you had the Argonath in your front yard?

1:14 – What the hell is the matter with Frodo at Amon Hen? He’s the most important person in Middle-Earth and he’s just aimlessly wandering around.

1:16 – R.I.D: Legolas speaking pretentiously (“A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind”), Boromir’s meltdown

1:20 – So Aragon is pretty much just a Middle-Earth Rambo, no?

1:23 – R.I.D: Boromir saves the hobbits, The Horn of Gondor, Legolas kills 6 orcs, Boromir takes the arrows and keeps fighting, Lurtz licking the knife, Lurtz pulling Aragorn towards him

1:27 – There are sentimental drunks, and then there are sentimental diers. Nothing really changed between Aragorn and Boromir between Rivendell and Amon Hen, but once Boromir is facing death, he pledges allegiance to Aragorn. Great scene, but somewhat inexplicable.

1:29 – Aragorn kisses Boromir. Gay.

1:30 – Where was Sam the whole time during the battle of Amon Hen? Hiding under a stump?

1:32 – Frodo turns into Mr. Fantastic to save Sam from drowning. That’s funny. In reality after Sam said “A promise!”, Frodo would say “Say it, don’t spray it!”

1:34 – E-town just took a drink and accidentally stabbed the stirring stick into his eye.

1:35 – E-town just said “I don’t like caffeine, I’ll drink Coke.” I mean, Coke has tons of caffeine, does he know that? Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe E-town has Down’s Syndrome.

1:36 – Fellowship ends. We are a third of the way there. I’ve had a total of 4 shots of Jaeger, and I’m about a third of the way drunk. Perfect. So, I guess its been 3 hours and 30 minutes, minus the 8 minutes we took for a break, 3 hours and 22 minutes of movie. Doing good. Quick lunch break, then on to the Two Towers. Unfortunately, this is my least favorite of the trilogy. I think I’ll make it though.

1:47 – I have a fresh drink. My sandwhich is in the toaster oven, um, toasting. And we just started The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. My life couldn’t be better. E-town ate a 2 day old chicken breast and teriyaki sauce for lunch. Grimace Dribble.

1:49 – Another huge four drinks for me to start the movie. The “You Cannot Pass” scene again.
1:50 – Good thing Gandalf didn’t hit his head on the way down. That’d hurt.

1:55 – My sandwich is done. Mmm.

2:01 – How Andy Serkis didn’t even get a nomination for this movie is beyond me. The look on Gollum’s face when Frodo releases him is priceless.

2:07 – R.I.D: The Eye, Legolas speaks pretentiously, Shot of Barad-Dur, The wild men swear allegiance by cutting their hands

2:15 – I guess I’m not sure how I feel about Gimli being turned into a huge comic relief. On the one hand, its necessary for this movie to have some, on the other hand, he wasn’t like this in the book. I’ll just remain neutral.

2:18 – Are there any good Orcs? Can a baby Orc decide against evil? If not, and they can’t choose, does this make them truly bad? Without Free Will, do not we lose the entire notion of good and evil? I have no idea.

2:19 – When Eomer says “Do not trust or hope, it is forsaken in these lands”, it sounds like he says “Do not trust a Hulk, …” That’d be funny.

2:23 – Who’s idea was it to put a Orc head on a stake? Eomer? One of his men? I mean, at some point, one of the Rohirrim decided had to take the time to look around in the woods for a stake, sharpen it, put it in the ground…that’s a lot of work.

2:24 – R.I.D: Legolas’ pretentious prayer for the dead, Viggo breaking his toe, Aragorn’s tracking abilities, Mordor simmering in the distance

2:29 – I’m still hungry. Of course I am.

2:32 – Cheese and crackers, that should get it done.

2:34 – Throughout the trilogy, when things are associated with the dead (the Nine, Minas Morgul, the Dead Marshes, The Paths of the Dead), the dominant color is a eerie green glow. Yet, green is also associated with vibrant life (trees, shrubs, the spring, etc…) Is green that passionate of a color?

2:36 – The Fell Beasts are the most bad ass creatures in middle earth. Maybe the Balrogs, but….

2:38 – How do the Nazgul know who’s gonna patrol the Emyn Muil, Osgiliath, Ithilian, etc…Is there a Ringwraith schedule? Does the Witch-King decide? Sauron?

2:41 – You can’t just “kill” a dragon. You must slay them. Or, you could smote their ruin. Either way, it’s a complicated procedure.

2:44 – When did Gandalf get a robe from Lorien? Oh yeah….

2:45 – R.I.D: Knowing when Gandalf got the robe.

2:51 – The Easterlings are an army of Saddam Husseins. And they wear too much mascara.

2:53 – What the fuck is Frodo thinking? He’s just gonna run through the Black Gate right into a huge army? Is he gonna put on the Ring? Great idea. Put on the Ring right in front of Sauron. Frodo’s a bitch.

2:56 – E-town left to take a piss.

2:57 – He’s back.

3:00 – I would not fuck an Ent-Wife. I don’t like slivers.

3:02 – I have a fresh drink now. And I pissed. I’m back in the game. I love in the Rohan theme.

3:04 – I just realized. With all of the alcohol comes a ton of Red Bull. This can’t be good.

3:12 – I would bang Eowyn/Miranda Otto. Hard. She is so damn hot. Grace, don’t read that last sentence.

3:13 – Would Gandalf be more or less cool if he wore Air Jordans? I mean, if someone offered those shoes to him, you have to assume he’d take ‘em, right? They’re comfy, light, and sturdy. They’ve got to be better than the leather boots he’s wearing.

3:17 – Haven’t seen the Ring in awhile. I’m not worried. It’s coming.

3:18 – E-town and I just decided that a shot is automatically “sweeping” if it has a mountain and (a) the camera is moving front to back (or vice versa) with people in the shot or (b) the camera moves side to side, no people necessary.

3:21 – Saruman is always seen reading books about the history of Middle Earth (the Balrog, the history of the Dunedain). Does he use the Dewey Decimal system to organize everything? Or his he just so wise, he keeps everything straight in his head?

3:24 – What if they just played the Super Bowl tomorrow, and didn’t tell anyone?

3:28 – Grace can play Gollum better than anyone I’ve seen. She does this thing with her hair, eyes, and mouth…its creepy.

3:31 – Smeagol has a Ph.D in Middle-Earth Political Science. Seriously, he knows things he shouldn’t.

3:32 – E-town claims that I have to drink because I didn’t know that that the “bird call” in Ithilian is secret war call. Ok.

3:34 – Disc #3 is over. The story continues though, so don’t worry. No break. We wanna keep doing. I’m off to IMDb.com to check out who played a dead Easterling.

3:37 – R.I.D: Aragorn Drinking the Ass-Soup. If he can eat that, I can drink some Jaeger. And he’s 87. Riding off to battle, claiming Lordship over a land, defeating the biggest threat to the land in thousands of years. At 87. When I’m that old, I’ll be falling asleep in front of the TV at 8pm while drooling on myself. ‘’

3:39 – Arwen time. Sweet. Off to espn.com.

3:44 – Ok, Arwen scene is over. I’ve regained consciousness.

3:49 – Do Orcs masturbate?

3: 53 – I never understood why Grima is shown with a tear on his face. Is he happy because he will be on the side of victory? Or is he sad because he is a Man, and he realizes what he has done.

3:55 – More Arwen and Aragon. I think I just swallowed my tongue.

4:01 – Hugo Weaving has the coolest eyebrows in Hollywood.

4:03 – R.I.D: Eye of Sauron, Isengard unleashed, use of the word “cloven”

4:08 – Did the men of Gondor also brew Aspen Edge?

4:21 – What’s the cutoff point between a “host” and a “great host”?. I say a host is between a hundred and a thousand, and great host is anything after that.

4:26 – Seriously, I would nail Eowyn.

4:31 – “Where is the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing? They have passed like rain on the mountain.” Excellent example of transplanting from book to movie. Love that poem.

4:33 – R.I.D: Aragorn getting ready for war, Legolas speaking pretentiously.

4:34 – Alright. The Elves come to help at Helm’s Deep. I’m not super offended by this, but it kinda negates the whole point of the Last Alliance, doesn’t it?

4:35 – Aragon awkwardly hugs Haldir.

4:46 – R.I.D: First Orc casualty at Helm’s Deep, The death shriek, Orc getting axed in the balls, Legolas surfing.

4:52 – More R.I.D: Impaled by a battering ram, tossing a dwarf, Aragorn’s incredible upper body strength.

4:55 – E-town went to piss again. He is strategically pissing during the Merry/Pip/Treebeard scenes. Wow, he’s back already. Whatever.

4:57 – So, the Ents take like 4 hours to figure out that Merry and Pip are not Orcs, but then Treebeard bellows, and in 5 seconds they are ready for war? Really?

4:59 – My favorite chord change in the movie: The Last March of the Ents.

5:04 – “Fell deeds awake! Now for wrath! Now for ruin! For the red dawn!” Chills….

5:09 – I mean, I love the movies so I look past it, but seriously, what the hell was PJ thinking having Frodo reveal the Ring to the Nazgul? It just doesn’t make any sense. Didn’t really need to do that to show how the Ring is driving a wedge between Sam and Frodo. Even heading to Osgiliath in general. I don’t get it.

5:13 – Imagine Gollum taking a vacation in Miami. Tanning.

5:15 – So, Saruman was smoking Longbottom Leaf the whole time?

5:16 – Imagine smoking someone’s distant relative.

5:19 – What if Ben Roethlisberger played Legolas?

5:23 – Disc 4 over. Two Towers running time: 3 hours and 36 minutes. We’re pretty much out of Jaeger, so we’re on our way to the store. We’ll be back in a sec.

5:51 – Well, that took a little longer than we expected. No detours though. Just straight to the liquor store, where the storekeeper had a Macalester alum as a brother and a sister who lived in Portland. That wasn’t exciting.

5:52 – The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King starts. This is it. We’re on the home stretch.

5:53 – I wonder what it is about Smeagol that caused him to kill for the Ring the first time he sees it. No one else did that. I mean, he’s a hobbit, right? I thought hobbits were resilient to the evil of the Ring. Interesting.

5:55 – How amusing would it be if there was a black hobbit? African-American,walking around the Shire with a giant afro or corn rows. That’d be money.

6:02 – E-town just let out a giant burp, it was kinda gross.

6:04 – Palantir = Middle Earth cell phone. VerEYEzon. Sorry.

6:09 – I think I’m running out of amusing things to say. It must be the gallons of Jaeger running through my blood. How pretentious is it that I keep writing Jaeger instead of Jager?

6:10 – R.I.D: Gandalf gets blasted by Saruman, Legolas’ unbelievable aim, the drinking game in Edoras.

6:13 – Sure he’s a wizard, but does Gandalf have to wear white all the time? He just looks ridiculous in the Golden Hall when everyone is celebrating. Do you think the wizards resent whatever color they’re given (Radagast the Brown, Palando and Alatar the Blue) because that means that’s what they must wear every day? What if he was Gandalf the Olive Green? That would be terrible. Saruman the Poop.

6:17 – E-town wants to know: who is more jacked, Gollum or Marc Bulger? At gunpoint, I go with Gollum. He’s got more wiry, survival strength. No way Marc Bulger could’ve led Frodo and Sam into Mordor.

6:19 – Why is Eowyn sleeping in the middle of the room with all of the lights on? Is that comfortable? She wants Aragorn’s D so bad. So does Grace. But not as much as Brad Pitt. If anyone read this whole blog to this point, ask Grace about her huge “Who I’d Do It With” Tournament. Brad Pitt was of course number one. Funniest Entry: Xzibit was number 6! Isn’t that hilarious?

6:28 – Alright. So the first few drinks were 2 shots and Red Bull. Then we started going through the booze so quick that we slowed it down to one shot per drink. Fortunately we got a whole ‘nother bottle of Jaeger, so now I’m up to 3 shots per.

6:30 – Dude, Elrond is a horrible father. I mean, he doesn’t encourage his daughter at all. Yeah, she might die. So what? Do you wanna live for 50, 000 years? That’d be awful and boring.

6:31 – I haven’t pooped yet today.

6:32 – Andruil, the Sword that was Broken has been Reforged. How fucking pimp is that?

6:33 – E-town just put the booklet for the movie on top of his head.

6:35 – Denethor Morken-Simmers.

6:36 – Direct quote from E-town: “I can force myself to shit.”

6:38 – Well, I had to do it. I had to poop. I really didn’t want to ever pause the movie, but I couldn’t wait any longer. Thankfully, E-town had to poop as well, so we both sprinted in to the bathroom, and came out at the same time. It was remarkable. E-town says “Huge awkward shit. I tried, but nothing came out.” I guess his statement from 6:36 was proved untrue.

6:41 – Top 3 overactors in the Trilogy: 3. Hugo Weaving (Elrond) 2. John Noble (Denethor) 1. Brad Dourif (Wormtongue). I don’t mind, of course, the story is somewhat Shakespearean, and overacting is appropriate. If however, your movie stars Chow Yun-Fat, overacting would be wildly out of place.

6:47 – If Gandalf got emphysema from smoking too much, would he know it? Would he be able to do anything about it? I mean, does Gandalf need bandaids? Aspirin? Most of my humor comes from anachronisms. Matt, you’re probably the only one who’s read this far. Congrats.

6:49 – I just took huge 3 drinks for the Witch-King of Angmar I love that character. Whoever designed him just got it perfect. Sinister. Powerful. Straight out of your goddam worst night-mare. After Sauron, if I could see more of any one character, it would definitely be the fucking Witch-King.

6:54 – E-town is hilarious. All day he has been complaining about his sock because it has been twisting and riding up on his ankle. I’m like, “Dude, take it off.” He says, “Nah, its too cold.” Weirdo. He still has the booklet on his head.

6:58 – E-town just launched into a huge story about how badass the Maoris are. Y’know what? He’s right. The Maoris are definitely my favorite indigenous people.


6:59 – The Lighting of the Beacons is the culmination and king of epic shots throughout the entire trilogy. Unbelievable, gives me chills. I just did 4 drinks in its honor.

7:02 – E-town and I just agreed to take a drink if we get a “man-urge”. All you dudes out there know what I’m talking about. Looks like I’ll be drinking every time Eowyn appears. I mean, um, Grace appears. What?

7:06 – Just finished the 3-shot drink. It was good. I’m gonna make a 4-shotter. This can’t end well.

7:10 – Never mind. 4 shots is too much. Just another 3-shotter is good. We’re not even on the last disc. I’m on the precipice of meltdown.

7:12 – The Wizard’s Pupil scene between Boromir and Denethor is unbelievable. The acting in this movie, supported by a compelling story, is spectacular. I can’t rave about this enough. The story, though admittedly about fantastic adventures, is grounded in daily truths. Living up to your expectations. Friendship. Honor. Family. Pride. And even more detailed: Trying to make your dad proud. I mean, what son has not felt, at some point, a failure in the eyes of their dad? This movie just works on all levels. Huge sentimental drunk.

7:19 – Denethor’s admission that he wishes Faramir dead in Boromir’s stead is heartbreaking.

7:21 – When Gollum frames Sam, the same music is played as when Gollum first attacks the two in Emyn Muil.

7:25 – Man, watching all the movies back-to-back-to-back makes Frodo’s dismissal of Sam all the more horrible.

7:26 – Random Gondorian maiden = Man-urge = drink.

7:28 – The sacrifice of Faramir, while Billy Boyd sings, haunting and beautiful.

7:30 – What if Frodo got a pilonidal cyst on the way to Mordor? Why not? Its just as likely that he get one as I get one. I mean, hobbits are hairy, I’m sure they got ‘em. That would be so inconvenient. I wonder if the power of the Ring could cure such an ailment.

7:32 – R.I.D – Legolas speaks pretentiously. We probably should’ve made this a rule. Oh well.

7:38 – Gotta drink to Andruil. “Sauron will not have forgotten the sword of Elendil.”

7:42 – Just so you know, Eowyn has given me about 6 man-urges in the last 10 minutes. That’s six drinks. It takes me forever to type these lines.

7:47 – When you think about it, there was really nothing preventing PJ from having Aragon busting out an AK-47 and just dominating Middle Earth. There was no legal obligation. No financial one, he’d already been paid. That’s just pure integrity.

7:51 – Awkward for the FX guys to have their dead different from the dead in Pirates of the Caribbean.

7:59 – Brief bathroom and PB&J break. E-town is drunk right now, he just admitted it.

8:01 – Sure its satisfying, but when Gandalf beats down Denethor with his staff, its not very Gandalf-like.

8:06 – Alright, I can’t list everything we’re drinking to at this point. I mean, it’s the Siege of Gondor, the Battle of the Pellenor Fields, it’s the culminating battle of Middle Earth. Look at it this way, we’re pretty much going to be drinking to everything at this point. I’ll list major things as they occur, but just assume that we’re pretty much drinking to every single goddamn thing.

8:09 – 5th disc over. This is it. The War of the Ring. The fate of middle earth hangs in the balance, and E-town is making a Pizza Sandwich.

8:15 – Started the last disc. E-town has a sandwich in the toaster. He’s wasted. This disc is going to dominate us. Prepare for horrible blogging.

8:17 – What’s up with all the light in Shelob’s cave? Shelob. Definitely Jewish.

8:21 – What would happen if Shelob ate the Ring? Would she be powerful? Would Sauron focus all of his forces on her?

8:23 – What’s up with everyone and the fake deaths? Gollum, Sam, Frodo, Gandalf, Aragorn….just chill out, dammit.

8:32 – Just poured another 3-shotter.

8:33 – If you’ve made it this far reading this blog, please comment. I’d like to know who loves LOTR as much as I do. Grace, E-Town, Matt…this is you. I’m drunk.

8:37 – E-town just bitched about his sock again.

8:45 – “Ride now! Ride now! To the world’s ending!” I LOVE THIS GODDAM MOVIE!!!!!!!!!

8:47 – HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:47 – I’m panicking right now! I love this movie! BEST MOVIE EVER!!! We watched the Witch-King dominate Gandalf 5 TIMES!

8:48 – MELT-DOWN!

8:48 – Hobbits being heroic!

8:50 – Huge jacked Southron Leader!

8:54 – We both so wasted right now.

8:55 – Best movie ever. So you know what’s number one on my list. So what. BEST MOVIE EVER!!!!

8:57 – Difference between this movie and other “war” movies. Here comes the random quiet scene. Pippen has so much pain on his face. Gandalf comforts him with talk of the green shores beyond. I love this movie.

9:01 – LOVE THE WITCH-KINGS DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:04 – I AM NO MAN!!!!

9:07 – Huge drink to Legolas’ Oliphant kill. Huge. Best. Movie. Ever.

9:11 – We just took a drunk piss. That’s right, we are definitely drunk. We’ve almost finished off two bottles of Jaeger. I’ll tell you when they’re both gone.

9:14 – Y’know, I love Grace, but its probably a good thing she isn’t here. This is one of those things that you do with guys. Grace – sorry, you probably shouldn’t have read that.

9:17 – Cell phone graveyard (If you don’t get what that means, understand that we’re drunk.)

9:19 – Movies interrupted by a huge Jake(s) phone call. And for the record, Jake(s) bet me $1 that the Twins would win the World Series.

9:33 – We’ve just poured our last drink. There is a final shot waiting for the end of the movie. We have rationed this drink to last us till the end. We made it. We’ll see you when Middle Earth is safe.

9:34 – Eowyn just prompted a man-urge. Drink.

9:38 – Had to rewind because E-town couldn’t understand what was going on.

9:42 – E-town: “Sam is so tough, dude.”

9:43 – Sam helps Frodo up. Drink.

9:50 – Mouth of Sauron. We’ve watched the scene twice now.

9:52 – “I don’t believe it. I will not.”

9:54 – MEN OF THE WEST!! These movies have gotten better watching back-to-back-to-back.

9:59 – This is it…

10:01 – The eagles are coming!

10:08 – The Ring is destroyed….

10:09 – The power of Sauron diminishes. He fades into the abyss…forever knawing at his own shapeless form…

10:10 – Frodo and Sam…

10:11 – Frodo is free. The weight of the Ring is over.

10: 12 – “I’m glad to be with you Samwise Gamgee. Here at the end of all things.”

10:13 – The look on Elijah’s face…in the claws of the Eagles…you can’t direct it. You have to feel that pain.

10:15 – The Fellowship reunites. The most important member, Sam. Frodo couldn’t have done it without Sam.

10:17 – Can’t avoid the sarcastic comment: When did Aragorn decide that he would let his beard grow out nice and full? While he was a Ranger was he thinking “Well, I’d better shave really shitty because I’m a Ranger. Once I’m King, I’ll let the beard look good.”

10:21 – Huge moment. The King of Gondor bows to the hobbits. I love that scene.

10:23 – You kill Shelob, Rosie ain’t that big of a deal.

10:26 – E-town just awkwardly farted.

10:28 – The Grey Havens.

10:29 – “Here at last on the shores of the sea, comes the end of the Fellowship. I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are evil.”

10:32 – I don’t want this to be over….

10:33 – Into the West…

10:35 – "Well, I’m back."

Alright, the movie is over. E-town is going to the bathroom. I must say, I have to go to the bathroom. But, before I do, let me just say…this has been the most enjoyable cinematic experience of my life. I mean, I’ve loved these movies up until now, but I’ve never truly understood them. Watching them from start to finish, I fully understand what the filmmakers were trying to accomplish. Watching everything at once is such a journey that I identify with Frodo and Sam. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I guess I can’t expect anyone to understand this unless they’ve done it. For those of you that have seen all three movies separately, I urge you to watch them all. This really is the only way to experience the Lord of the Rings. Just as the book should not be taken as a trilogy (like Tolkien wanted) so should the films be considered a single epic film. I love this movie.




Ok. Now its been about 2 hours since the movie (yes, now I consider the whole trilogy a single movie) ended. We’ve been watching some of the extras, I’ve sobered up a bit, and I’ve compiled my favorite moments from the movie. For those of you who need help (and if you’ve made it this far, I don’t think that you should) I’ve listed the “traditional” division of the movie. FOTR = Fellowship, TTT = Two Towers, ROTK = Return of the King. Here ya go (And yes, they are in order within their group)

Honorable Mention:

Helm’s Deep Berserker (TTT)
Aragorn Denies Eowyn (ROTK)
Cave Troll Attacks Fellowship (FOTR)

4th Team All Movie:

The Oliphaunts Arrive (ROTK)
The Eagles Arrive (ROTK)
“Give them a moment, for pity’s sake!” (FOTR)
Butterbur in the pub (FOTR)
Aragorn and the Nazgul on Weathertop (FOTR)

3rd Team All Movie:

Lurtz licks blade (FOTR)
Horn of Helm Hammerhand (TTT)
The Summoning of the Dead (ROTK)
“You bow to no one.” (ROTK)

2nd Team All Movie:

Gandalf Comes From the East (TTT)
The Ride of the Rohirrim (ROTK)
The Mouth of Sauron Beheaded (ROTK)
The Insane Southron Leader (ROTK)
Legolas Defeats The Oliphaunt (ROTK)

Top 5 Moments:

5. The Sacrifice of Faramir (ROTK)
4. Gandalf Staff is Broken (ROTK)
3. Gollum Falls Into the Fire (ROTK)
2. The Death of the Witch-King (ROTK)
1. “You Cannot Pass!” (FOTR)

I’m exhausted. I’m proud of anyone who’s made it this far. Goodnight.

Interlude: Years

Ok, not that I've gone through 90 of my least favorite movies ever, its time for a little interlude. Not an interlude from lists or movies, but one nonetheless. You can expect random interludes like this throughout the unveiling of T-Biggs, so, umm, I dunno...

Anyway, I have analyzed which years are important cinematically. I've done this in two ways. First, the number of movies that I've seen from a given year, and second, the average ranking of a given year (10 movies minimum). Alright, here we go:

Here's the format. Year (# seen from that year)

23. 1930 (1)
1939 (1)
1945 (1)
1946 (1)
1947 (1)
1956 (1)
1958 (1)
1959 (1)
1963 (1)
1965 (1)
1972 (1)

22. 1956 (2)
1957 (2)
1960 (2)
1962 (2)
1967 (2)
1968 (2)
1973 (2)
1974 (2)
1976 (2)
1979 (2)
1982 (2)

21. 1964 (3)
1971 (3)

20. 1975 (4)
1981 (4)

19. 1977 (5)
1978 (5)
1983 (5)

18. 1980 (7)

17. 1984 (8)
1985 (8)

16. 1986 (10)

15. 1987 (11)
1988 (11)

14. 1989 (20)
1990 (20)

13. 1991 (22)

12. 1992 (24)

11. 2004 (34)

10. 1993 (36)
2002 (36)

9. 2001 (39)

8. 2003 (41)

7. 1995 (49)

6. 1994 (50)

5. 1997 (51)

4. 1996 (53)

3. 1998 (54)

2. 2000 (55)

1. 1999 (64)


Alright, that was actually kinda boring. Let's take a look now at the quality of movie year. So, I'm going to list the year, and then the average ranking of every movie I saw from that year. Remember, 10 movie minimum.

Alright, same format. Rank, movie, avg. ranking.

19. 1997 (460.63)
18. 2000 (452.02)
17. 1995 (449.75)
16. 1996 (441.38)
15. 1999 (440.98)
14. 1994 (439.98)
13. 1993 (438.42)
12. 1998 (406.61)
11. 2002 (405.42)
10. 1992 (391.20)
9. 2001 (369.41)
8. 1991 (348.73)
7. 1990 (341.80)
6. 2003 (340.02)
5. 1987 (330.18)
4. 1989 (290.7)
3. 2004 (273. 22)
2. 1986 (260.5)
1. 1988 (242)

That's right! 1988 is over all the best movie year in my life. Sure, its best movie is "The Last Temptation of Christ", but its worst is "Scrooged". That's a solid lineup. Not a lot of crap. I love dumb stuff like this.

Alright, I'm out.

699-675

Before I jump in again, thanks to all who are putting up with my considerable hubris. Its quite a self-indulgent thing to publish such a list, and I acknowledge that. I guess blogging is somewhat self-indulgent, unless you are reporting...but anyway. I hope you are enjoying what I have so far.

699. Wagon's East (1994) D: Peter Markle

Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny. Richard Lewis is not funny.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

698. Altered States (1980) D: Ken Russell

Back when I was super-pretentious about movies (last year), this movie would've made my top 200 simply because everyone who saw it hated it. Its edgy, disturbing, wierd 80s FX...I would've taken some sort of wierd high road to convince people that I was a true movie buff. But really, its just William Hurt running around a zoo in a wolf costume. Stupid.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

697. The Cutting Edge (1992) D: Paul Michael Glaser

Directed by the original Hutch from "Starsky and Hutch". Great.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

696. Escape from LA (1996) D: John Carpenter

I understand that Carpenter is a Hollywood icon. He made the original "Halloween" and "Assault on Precinct 13. Doesn't excuse this miserable madness. Plisken plays basketball?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: Pliskin turns the lights off.

695. Heavyweights (1995) D: Steven Brill

An overblown excuse for Hollywood to buy parents into kids movies. Lame excuse for a "its whats on the inside that counts." Of course, a quality script would be nice. And less annoying kids.

Performance to Savor: Ben Stiller
Memorable Moment: None

694. Final Destination (2000) D: James Wong

I saw the edited version of this at Hilton Head, which probably reduced the effectiveness, and I actually liked the first third of the movie. But, it just unravelled at the end, as our hero figured out what to do. I'd expect more from a man who's directed multiple X-Files episodes.

Performance to Savor: Tony Todd
Memorable Moment: None

693. What Lies Beneath (2000) D: Robert Zemeckis

Another flick that Grace will be mad at me for having so low. When will I get to the movies that other people will be mad at me for? Anyway, Harrison Ford definitely has the ability to play a bad guy, he just doesn't show it here. Not creepy, not scary, not anything...just bad.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

692. Crash (1996) D: David Cronenberg

Arguably the dumbest plot of all time. People are sexually stimulated by car crashes. Followed by the sequel: "Fellating Gurneys".

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

691. Men in Black II (2002) D: Barry Sonnenfeld

The exact same plot as MiB. Literally! I couldn't believe it. Smith and Jones skate by on charisma.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

INSERT -- Houseguest (1995) D: Randall Miller

So this is what happens when you compile a list of this magnitude: you miss things. Just to keep my sanity, movies that I put in after the original list was finished well be marked as such. Only good thing about this movie is that it turned me on to the comedic genius of Phil Hartman.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

NOTE: At this point we are still in the movies that I rate with 1 star. I forgot to mention the cutoffs. The bottom of the list started at zero stars, until Jaws: The Revenge, and then everything else had a half star, until National Lampoon's Senior Trip. Sorry 'bout that. I'll keep you up to date from now on.

690. So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993) D: Thomas Schlamme

Myers' first movie after Wayne's World/SNL, so it still has a stilted/episodic feel. I guess all of his movies feel that way, and it is, in my opinion, what is holding him back from genuine comedy.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

689. Senseless (1998) D: Penelope Spheeris

Appropriately titled.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

688. Little Nicky (2000) D: Steven Brill

Let's face it, Adam Sandler's only good movies are Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. He needs that "fish out of water" comedic situation to strive. I guess the difference between earth and hell are not enough to truly play that card.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

687. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1993) D: Stuart Gillard

The poor kiddies. They love the TMNT, and the studios step them in front of this shit cannon. I mean, the Turtles in Time? Really?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

686. Hocus Pocus (1993) D: Kenny Ortega

Pimple salad.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

685. Fear (1996) D: James Foley

Marky Mark dons full lengths pants and shirts and proves that adding a last name provides considerable clout to screen presence. Sadly. the rest of the cast belongs on the sun.

Performance to Savor: Mark Wahlburg
Memorable Moment: None

684. In & Out (1997) D: Frank Oz

One of Hollywood's first honest attempts at the "Gay comedy", so I'll give 'em that. But, they needed a few more tries to get it right.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

683. The Substitute (1996) D: Robert Mandel

Normally, holding the original accountable for its dreadful sequels is stupid, but c'mon, The Substitute 4? Is that what people want to see? Are you sure?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

682. Virtuosity (1995) D: Brett Leonard

That two titans of drama, Denzel and Russell, are responsible for this corruption makes me feel better about my wasted life.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

681. Broken Arrow (1996) D: John Woo

You know when you're playing pickup ball, and there's a dude on the court who's terrible at basketball? You know what I'm talking about. But, then, one game, he gets hot for 2-3 plays, and suddenly he thinks he's way better than he is, and starts trying things (fadeaway j's, no-look passes, reverse layins) that he's just not capable of. Pulp Fiction was John Travoltas 1 good play. This is his no-look pass.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

680. Good Burger (1997) D: Brian Robbins

Gimmicks suck. They're abominable. Good Burger came to us in an orange cassette. Now, that's the only thing I remember about it. Way to be Nick.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

679. Booty Call (1997) D: Jeff Pollack

Jeff Pollack was responsible for "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", a comic and important analysis of race relations, economic class structures, and alienated youth. This negates all that.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

678. Say It Isn't So (2001) D: James B. Rogers

"There's Something About Mary" spawned a legion of gross-out comedies. This is the off-spring of gun-raped retarded nuns.

Performance to Savor: Orlando Jones
Memorable Moment: None

677. Camp Nowhere (1994) D: Jonathan Prince

I got nothin'.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

676. Drop Zone (1994) D: John Badham

Y'know, Wesley Snipes has never been in a good movie, has he? Well, "Major League" and "White Men Can't Jump", but the rest just vasectomies, huh?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

675. Beverly Hills Ninja (1997) D: Dennis Dugan

This isn't bad because of Farley. This isn't bad because of Dugan. This isn't bad because of the script. This isn't bad because of the plot. This is bad because its got that dude from Mortal Kombat.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

714-700

714. The Crush (1993) D: Alan Shapiro

Hey, back from lunch. Tutee didn't show, so I'm back to The List. Anyway, I realize now that Cary Elwes can't act, and he was only good in "The Princess Bride" because he had a mask to cover facial expressions, and his character wasn't required to speak that much. This movie is just a giant geyser of feces.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

713. Earnest Scared Stupid (1991) D: John R. Cherry III

I like Earnest, he's a funny character. That said, this fetid amalgam of horror and kiddie comedy reveals Earnests shortcomings. He can't carry a film. He'd best be used as a bit player within a larger structure.

Performance to Savor: Jim Varney
Memorable Moment: None

712. While You Were Sleeping (1995) D: Jon Turtletaub

Well, that's the third movie below 700 for Mr. Turtletaub. He's making a strong case for the director-that-I-hate-but-continue-to-keep-watching-his-disgusting-movies. Look at the leads in this movie: Sandra Bullock, Peter Gallagher, and Bill Pullman. Has there ever been a blander trio put on screen? These 3 make oatmeal look like huevos rancheros. They make grey look like tye-dye. They make Brian Adams look like Paul Froeschl.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

711. Stewart Saves His Family (1995) D: Harold Ramis

The lowest of the SNL sketch turned movie. Granted, it has sharper writing and more coherency than any Chris Farley vehicle. But, Al Franken learned to late that his humor is more appropriatly applied to political satire and radio commentary. There is something intrinsically aloof about this movie, despite its "self-help" ethos. Just doesn't work on the silver screen.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

710. Trial and Error (1997) D: Jonathan Lynn

Notice the ramifications of North. The Seinfeld curse was born, and this disaster is a product of that curse. Michael Richards stars opposite Jeff Daniels in this low-brow legal comedy. Theres a remarkable duo bursting with comedic subtlety and wit.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

709. National Lampoon's Senior Trip (1995) D: Kelly Makin

I have no definable reason for disliking this movie. I identify with the characters, they are likable, it doesn't pretend to be greater than it is...Probably this movie suffers from my only having seen it once when 13. I was on the cusp of high school, and not quite ready to understand the issues dealt with by high school students. If I saw this again, I'd bet it'd move up into the mid 600s.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

708. The Stepford Wives (2004) D: Frank Oz

After The Mothman Prophecies, this'll be the second movie that Grace will be shocked to find so low on my list. I'm definitely not the most PC person on the block, but I appreciate a move more if it tries to paint its characters in less than broad strokes. This movie is almost crippled by stereotypes. The Dainty Effiminate Gay, The Loud Obnoxious New Yorker, The Horney Dumb Male...Yeah, I know that the point of the movie is to debunk the stereotypical male/female relationship. But, it shouldn't have to throw everyone else under the bus to do so. Oh yeah, and the twist and the end came out of a leopard's testicle.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

707. Not Another Teen Movie (2001) D: Joel Gallen

Spoofs these days are getting lazy. They essentially put they're goofball characters into the exact same situations as the real movie, and have them behave in a goofball way. Its entirely predictable and derivative. For quality spoofs, look toward the first Naked Gun and Airplane!

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

706. Halloween: H20 (1998) D: Stever Miner

You've got to be kidding me.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

705. Brother Bear (2003) D: Aaron Blaise

This one definately isn't up to the standards set by Classic Disney (Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King, etc...) but it still is solid. The songs, though sung by Phil Collins, are original, as is the story. Unfortunatly this film suffers from release time. We are spoiled in this age of CG animation, and this traditional animation looks antiquated in comparison. I hate to be this superficial, but the material does not rise above it.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

704. The Cell (2000) D: Tarsem Singh

To be honest, I'm suprised this movie made it this high. When I first started making T-Biggs, I expected this one to be more towards the bottom. I didn't realize how many worse movies I've seen. Why, then, did this one stick out so much in my mind? Production value. With lots of money, you will get a memorable movie. A terrible movie, but memorable none the less. I'm all for cinematography, movies can be saved by it, but this putrid chunk-belcher is beyond redemption. Jennifer Lopez plays dress up and Vincent D'Onofrio goes slumming. An incoherent piece of poop alround.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

703. Barb Wire (1996) D: David Hogan

At the age of 14 I wasn't fully released to watch R-rated movies alone yet. Barb Wire, therefore, was included. My friends wanted me to sneak in, but my moral compass said no, and we went to "Pinocchio" instead. I resented my parents for these pangs of conscience, and was determined to some day see this movie.

Boy, did I regret THAT move.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

702. Spawn (1997) D: Mark A.Z. Dippe

When I went to this I tried to smuggle in Jo-Jos by stuffing them down my pants. Unfortunately, while this resulted in a far superior movie snack, I ended up with burnt balls. Which, as it turned out was the best thing about this movie.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

701. Palmetto (1998) D: Volker Schlondorff

Sleazy, sweaty, smelly.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

700. Vampire in Brooklyn D: Wes Craven

After making this list, I realize that the horror comedy can really only be done well when it is self-aware (Scream, Scary Movie). Festering pile of furry uterus.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

734-715

734. Cold Creek Manor (2003) D: Mike Figgis

The working title of this abortion was "The Devil's Throat". Little did I know that it would treat me like "The Devil's Rectum." There is absolutely nothing frightening about this movie, and its billed as a thriller. Stephen Dorff is in full white-trash mode, which is less a compliment to his acting and more a testament to his loathsome personality.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

733. Honey, I Blew Up the Kid (1992) D: Randal Kleiser

Rick More-anus returns to form as bumbling scientist with the parenting skills of a discarded labia. This movie could've been fun if I cared at all for anyone involved.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

732. Hollow Man (2000) D: Paul Verhoeven

Kevin "Footloose" Bacon and Elizabeth "Karate Kid" Shue stab me in the back with this one. Funny story, one of the nights while my parents were in St. Paul to drop me off for college, we went to the Mall of America, and then decided to catch a flick. Since I was the celebrity of the moment, it was my call. I thought this one looked good, so we checked it out. We all threw up in our mouths. Not the right flick to kick off a life of independence.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

731. Godzilla (1998) D: Roland Emmerich

Again, an actioneer with failed expectations. I didn't really get a vibe on this one before the movie, so I was fairly fresh going in. Awesome opening sequence. Intriguing Ending. Too bad everything in the middle smelled like torn toenails.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

730. The Flintstones (1994) D: Brian Levant

Urethra spaghetti. Think about it.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

729. Surf Ninjas (1993) D: Neal Israel

I think to get a good idea of how much I hated every movie up until this point, go rent surf ninjas. If you summon the strength to remove the sledgehammer from your face, you are a better person than me.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

728. First Kid (1996) D: David M. Evans

Ok, wussup with Sinbad? I mean, watch his standup, its hilarious. Great presence, delivery, spontanaiety. Its quality. This on the other hand is another unfortunate example of how far a great comic can fall when comedy transfers to big screen (Cosby, Pryor, Rock, Seinfeld...)

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

727. Street Fighter (1994) D: Steven E. de Souza

Show-Yuukin! Yoga fire! Shet-ket-beret-yet! Viper! Viper! Viper Uppercut!

Sorry, just trying to remember why anyone thought this movie would be a good idea.

A tragic end to Raul Julia's career.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

726. Eddie (1996) D: Steve Rash

Rash. Indeed. An appropriate name, considering what Whoopi's dreadlocked abrasions did to my delicated epidermis. New Yorkers as sensitive and caring? Nope, only when the Knicks are threatened. So so so dumb.

Performance to Savor: Malik Sealy
Memorable Moment: None

725. Loser (2000) D: Amy Heckerling

The lowest movie on The List that exceeded expectations. The fact that its still this low should indicated how heinous I thought this was gonna be. Oh yeah, appropriately enough, I watched this one by myself, in my underwear, on a sunny saturday afternoon.

Performance to Savor: Greg Kinnear
Memorable Moment: None

724. Jaws 3 (1983) D: Joe Alves

This movie is only better than "The Revenge" because its got a cool shark-eats-guy-sequence. Pretentious annoying asshole gets swallowed whole by the shark, then we see him trying to escape. Of course he doesn't make it. At least he didn't have to watch this vomit.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

723. Down Periscope (1996) D: David S. Ward

Kelsey Grammar in a feature film? Really? Frasier Crane? Heck, throw in Lauren Holly and you got yourself an Oscar winner.

I should be in Hollywood.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

722. Encino Man (1992) D: Les Mayfield

This ones got George of the Jungle, Rudy, and the Black Malice of Whom We Do Not Speak, and is saved (well, not saved...buoyed) by the fact that I'm partial to nerdy high schoolers takin on the cool guys.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

721. Crossroads (2002) D: Tamra Davis

Examples of life imitating art are rarely better seen than in Crossroads. Think about it, Britney Spears has meltdown, disappears for awhile, reappears after devoting herself to sleazy semi-artist. Was I talking about the movie or her life? You decide.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

720. The Mothman Prophecies (2002) D: Mark Pellington

This is probably the first movie that Grace'll be mad at me for having so low. I saw it with her, and I never really voiced how dumb I thought it was. I don't believe in ghosts, ESP, and other shit like that, but I accept it in the movie, if the movie does too!

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

719. Spy Hard (1996) D: Rick Friedberg

You know you're in a bad way when the opening title song far exceedes anything the feature can produce. Even worse when the song is done by Wierd Al. Leslie Nielson phones this one in.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

718. Kate and Leopold (2001) D: James Mangold

I like Meg Ryan, and I really like Hugh Jackman, but in a time-travelling romantic comedy? What a hideous idea. Jackman does his best, but Meg plays an annoying account executive. Cinematic barf.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

717. The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996) D: John Frankenheimer

I hate nothing more (and you'll discover this as we go on) than failed potential/expectations. I hate it. Think about this movie: Marlon Brando, Val Kilmer, and David Thewlis, based on a book by H.G. Wells, directed by Frankenheimer. How could that miss? Unfortunately Frankie masturbates all over Wells' social commentary, leaving cold, pretentious schlock.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

716. Down to You (2000) D: Kris Isacsson

I think that this stars Freddie P. Jr. I know that I saw it and hated it. Why can't I remember it? Must be something about repressed memories. Like when your Uncle molests you.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

715. Little Giants (1994) D: Duwayne Dunham

Rick More-anus plays the coach of a terrible football team who turn it around and win. Excellent formula. Emmitt Smith appears.

Performance to Savor: Ed O'Neill
Memorable Moment: None

755-735

755. Juwanna Man (2002) D: Jesse Vaughan

Dude acts up in the NBA. Gets booted. Forced to play in WNBA. Now, this could've been funny if it was about Ron Artest, but of course, its not. This movie was offensive to african-americans, people with basketball knowledge, and women. Great.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

754. Johnny Mnemonic (1995) D: Robert Longo

I watched this movie at a friends house, and that night I had my first wet dream. I guess there was a silver lining.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

753. Judge Dredd (1995) D: Danny Cannon

I didn't read the comic book, but it had to have been better than this bloody mess. As I understand it, the Judges never take their helmets off because they are big badass badasses. Of course, Stallone's considerable hubris prevented him from ever keeping his on. Way to be Sly. Way to be.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

752. Straight Talk (1992) D: Barnet Kellman

I guess this movie can get kudos for being the highest ranked Dolly Parton vehicle on the list. What a stupid movie. I love James Woods, but whafuck?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

751. North (1994) D: Rob Reiner

The curse of Seinfeld began with this movie. By curse I mean the complete inability for the cast of Seinfeld to ever star in anything worth a ball-wrinkle after the Show About Nothing. This was the Movie About NORTHing. Sorry, I'm dumb.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

750. Mortal Kombat (1995) D: Paul W.S. Anderson

As a kid, I was more or less forbidden to play "fighting" video games. Mortal Kombat, obviously, was included. So, when sleeping over at friends, they would of course be working on their finishing moves, and I'd be huddled in the corner reading Life is Hell anthologies. I'd return to that position after seeing this mess.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

749. Jaws: The Revenge (1987) D: Joseph Sargent

I'm all for bending credibility in movies. Shit, I could poke holes all throughout my top 100, but goddamit...the shark follows the son to sea world, gets killed, and its offspring follows the original movie's widow! to Florida. The entire premise of the movie sucks choad.

Oh yeah, bad acting and special effects.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

748. 200 Cigarettes (1999) D: Risa Bramon Garcia

It takes a talented filmmaker (Quentin T., Todd Solondz) to balance multiple interweaving story lines. Garcia is not that filmmaker. And, this movie casts Ben Ass-Lick as "Bartender". Let's see, we have a character with a ton of charisma, he'll link several story arcs, and he's so memorable, we won't even have to give him a name. Let's get Affleck.

Who makes these decisions?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

747. 8 Heads in a Duffle Bag (1997) D: Tom Schulman

Remember, before we toss Joe Pesci off a cliff (which saddens me, 'cuz I like the guy) keep in mind that he was in Goodfellas, Raging Bull, My Cousin Vinny...whatever, this movie ruins all of that.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

746. The Scarlet Letter (1995) D: Roland Joffe

Classic bad guy Gary Oldman plays sexy puritan minister opposite "adulterous" Demi Moore. She must've been training for Striptease. Excellent story and production value ruined by ham-handed direction from on otherwise sturdy helmer.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

745. Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit (1993) D: Bill Duke

I want to like Whoopi, because I think its important for african-americans as well as women to compete in areas once dominated by white men. Unfortunately Whoopi is not funny, and her movies are barely worth porcine anal leakage.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

744. Rat Race (2001) D: Jerry Zucker

I feel especially let down by this one because I actually wanted to see it. Sure it looked dumb, but it had Rowan Atkinson and directed by Jerry Zucker. Fuck, I was wrong. This movie licked tard.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

743. Save the Last Dance (2001) D: Thomas Carter

I saw this one with someone who actually a dancer trying to get into Julliard. Horrible idea. Like watching Numb3rs with a mathematician, or Sex in the City with someone from NY. Let's move on.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

742. The Kid (2000) D: Jon Turtletaub

Bruce Willis in a fantasy comedy. I have nothing to say about this.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

741. 3 Ninjas (1992) D: Jon Turtletaub

Way to be Turtletaub. I seriously didn't plan it this way. I didn't even know who directed these movies when I made this list. What are the odds of this happening? One dude, making 2 awful movies, 8 years apart? Actually, not that unlikely in Hollywood. Seriously, for every good movie a director makes, they bust out with 3 horrible ones. I'm rambling.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

740. Boys and Girls (2000) D: Robert Iscove

How awful is Freddie Prinze Jr.? I mean, his adam's apple is the size of a grape fruit, and he single handedly takes solid scripts and turns them into stinking piles of ass-garbage. He's lobbed this one with Claire Florani and an unlikely funny Jason Biggs, and he plays the same dude he's played in every single other one of his stupid nut sack films. Whatever.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

739. Wild Wild West (1999) D: Barry Sonnenfeld

Racist and pointless, I'd rather drink lead than watch this un-stoned. Interesting note: The guy who played Bloodbath McGrath is the same guy who played Jame Gumb in Silence of the Lambs. Nice career path.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

738. Congo (1995) D: Frank Marshall

Reading the book upon which a movie is based can be a mixed bag. On the one hand, you are able to pick up details the producers through in, appreciate the histories of the characters, and just have a general over all sense of plot, circumstance and mood. On the other hand, your expectations can be severed by the rusty blade of generic crap filmmaking. Guess which hand this one landed on.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

737. Krippendorf's Tribe (1998) D: Todd Holland

Richard Dreyfuss basically plays two characters in all of his movies: Lovable and annoying, and pretentious and annoying. Here he's the latter, and Jenna Elfman is in full Jenna Elfman mode. Not a good combo.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

736. City By The Sea (2002) D: Michael Caton-Jones

Another one of those movies I saw in Hungary. It had De Niro so we sprinted through the train station and the movie theatre to get there on time. We didn't even stay through the whole thing. What the fuck De Niro? Meet this Focker.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

735. The Astronaut's Wife (1999) D: Randy Ravich

A terrible flick were the circumstances surrounding the movie far surpassed the actual showing. Kit, Simmz, and I saw this in Portland after Simmz and I got back from a huge road trip around Washington (State, dumbasses). Anyway, we were the only ones in the theatre, so we dared Kit to run up to the movie screen and rub his D on Charlize Theron. He did it, and we were rolling. But, we turned around and there was this huge fat dude eating tons of popcorn and sweating in the last row. We did that thing were we just quietly went back to our seats and watched the rest of the movie. We never spoke of it again. Until later that night.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

T-Biggs Unleashed

Alright everyone. What I said yesterday in "The Blog That Never Was" was that I was ready to begin unveiling T-Biggs even as I was working on it, so...let's begin.

The Biggest Project The World Has Ever Known (T-Biggs): My Top Movies

This isn't your typical Top Movies list. Its much bigger than that. In fact, this will probably be the biggest/longest movie list you will ever read (or stare at blankly, and immediately click over to espn.com).

I have taken the time to compile every movies I have ever seen. That's right. I currently have in my possession a list of all the movies I've seen, and how I've decided to rate them. Rating them was a very complicated process. Often, Movie A will rank higher than Movie B, even though I'd be the first to admit that B was a "better" movie. I have no exact formula for my rankings, mostly I just went with my gut. Which movie had a bigger impact on me, which did I identify with more, which would I rather see right now, which would I rather watch given I've already seen both 20 times. So, there may have been a complex mathematical process occuring in my brain, but I didn't consciously use any formula. That said, this is pretty much what my blogs will be for the next weeks/months, but I'll definately put in some non-movie stuff as well. Keep in mind that it will take me awhile to reveal the list, so it might change a little as I see more movies. Don't worry, I'll keep you up to date. Lets get goin.

Enjoy.

765. All Dogs Go To Heaven (1989) D: Don Bluth

Admittedly not all that bad. Unfortunately, it was the first movie I didn't like. As a 7-year-old, that was a very traumatic experience. That young, I thought that all movies were cool and awesome. This horrible little film destroyed that dream.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

764. Baby's Day Out (1994) D: Patrick Read Johnson

Are you fucking kidding me John Hughes? A dreadful film. Awful. Can't be saved, even by Joe Pantaliano. A goddamn baby foiling robbers? Really?

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

763. Baby Geniuses (1999) D: Bob Clark

Ok, I don't have a problem with babys. In fact, I intend to have a few some day. But, I have a huge problem seeing baby's do adult-type things. It never works on camera. Never. Maybe on America's Funniest Home Videos. Bob Sagat.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

762. Jury Duty (1995) D: John Fortenberry

Pauly Shore makes me want to boil the skin from my bones.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

761. In the Army Now (1994) D: Daniel Petrie Jr.

See above.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

760. Prom Night (1980) D: Paul Lynch

Horror movies are fun when done well. Horror movies are fun when done poorly. This is just a botched circumcision.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

759. Daredevil (2003) D: Mark Steven Anderson

I know, I know, compared to what comes next, DD shouldn't be that low. But, I had a horrible reaction to this film. Maybe it was how I watched it (alone), where I watched it (1522 Portland), and when I watched it (procrastinating). I just couldn't stand the CG Ben Affleck, much like I can't stand the live-action Ben Affleck.

Performance to Savor: Michael Clarke Duncan
Memorable Moment: None

758. Turbulence (1997) D: Robert Butler

Typically solid Ray Liotta signs on for the paycheck. Bumpy flight, disasterous movie. Awful FX. Other than Dumb and Dumber has Lauren Holly ever been in a good movie? Nope.

Performance to Savor: Ray Liotta
Memorable Moment: None

757. Chain Reaction (1996) D: Andrew Davis

What can I say? It stars Keanu Reeves as a molecular chemist.

Performance to Savor: None
Memorable Moment: None

756. Darkness (2002) D: Jaume Balaguero

I saw this movie in Hungary almost a year before it was released in the US. Do I feel privileged? No. Cursed is more like it.

Performance to Savor: Iain Glen
Memorable Moment: None

Well, that's the bottom 10. Better get back to work.

Hrmph.

I had a big blog all typed out.

It fucked up when I tried to post.

I'm too discouraged to type another one right now.

I hope no ones mad.

But if you are mad...realize what it is you're mad about, then rethink your anger.

I'll post tomorrow, when I'm less pissed off.

Delayed Gratification

As Grace will most certainly tell you, I am a firm believer in the concept of Delayed Gratification. Unfortunately, such an ethos puts me at odds with most of my friends. For whatever reason, I am wretchedly unable to enjoy the "here and now" and am constantly looking forward to what comes next. Sadly, whenever the "next" comes, I am already looking past it, ready to engage the even further next. My blog is called "cheap and fat", so I clearly have accepted my financial carefulness, but what exactly am I being cheap for? Is there an underlying purpose for my intense "spendingmoneyophobia"? I say I want a house and a truck and retirement and to travel and a huge plasma TV, but once I actually have the funds for said items, will I pull the trigger? All I really want in life is...

ping pong.

I discussed this with Jake(s) (sorry about the IM-style blogs of last week. Unacceptable). I have recently discovered that there are live and active ping pong leagues across the state of minnesota. This means that I now have a hobby. Something I have been looking for since graduation. I will enter a league, get a rating, play in tournaments. Its gonna be great! Now, I just need a table, and a place to put the table and a blah blah blah blah....

Last weekend has been discussed already by both Jake(s) and Grace, with a little from Claire. If you missed it, just go to their blogs, because I'm too lazy to include the hyperlink right now. Damn, I am so boring.

Anyway, I'm sorry that I haven't been blogging very well lately. I try not to use the internet when I'm at home (that would intrude on my watching TV time), and the new semester at NHCC has started, so I'm actually doing some work. But, I have been slowly but surely putting the finishing touches on T-Biggs, and I hope to have that up and running in about 2 weeks. I hope that you will like it as much as I have enjoyed preparing it. But I doubt it.

This web-log (matty, is there a hyphen?) has been horrible.

I'm making French Onion Soup for Grace tonight.

Unacceptable

Warning: The following blog will be about a sports figure, but is not entirely about sports.

Now, for those of you who know me...I'm not exactly a prude. I don't get offended easily, at least, not by profanity, obscenity, scatology, eating babies, and other disgusting shit like that.

But, what Randy Moss said yesterday deeply offended me.

I just want to put my two cents in, and if you're sick of the topic, skip this post.

Everything Randy Moss has done in his career to deserve fines has been ok with me. I didn't mind when he spiked the ball off of Dre Bly. Or when he squirted the referree. Or even when he verbally berated the corporate sponsers. Or pushed the traffic officer. To me, that was just the by-product of a talented and charismatic, but somewhat unstable, young man. I'm young. I've been angry. I understand that its hard for professional athletes to constantly be held to a higher standard than the public.

His "mooning" was definately blown out of proportion. I thought it was funny. I watched it live, with Grace, and she can affirm that I laughed hard when it happened. I thought it was hilarious, and the fact that he was fined anything is a joke.

And I agree with Jake(s), that while his redeeming qualities (buying cars for the homeless, giving balls to the handicapped) don't excuse his behavior, they are criminally underreported.

Until now, I have enjoyed watching Moss play, and I have been admittedly entertained by his antics. But...

"You don't write checks when you are rich"
"Ten grand ain't shit to me."

That was his part of his response when questioned about the fine levied by the NFL for his mooning. To me, this represents a much serious issue with Moss than ever before. Of course, it won't affect his play, and he won't be fined for it, but he has definitely fallen out of my favor. These comments are indicitive of the level to which professional athletes can completely lose touch with reality. Moss apparently does not appreciate his special situation in life, and he certainly doesn't appreciate the fact that 10 grand is a lot of money to a lot of people. A significant amopunt of his paycheck comes from people who save their hard earned money to watch him play. Who scrape together money at christmas to buy their kids Moss jerseys. How can Moss flaunt his wealth in the face of people who provide it to him?

I had this conversation with Jake(s) the other day, albeit in a different context. I don't hate rich people for being rich, of course not. But I can't stand when people don't appreciate their wealth. Who take it for granted. Who assume that it makes them superior. Who are overwhelmed by a sense of entitlement. Moss certainly fits in to all of these categories.

So, until now, I have like Moss as an athlete, and person....but now, just an athlete.

His personality ain't shit to me.

Mac v. St. John's

Ok, if you are not interested in sports, skip the following section, starting...

NOW.

I decided, after a small amount of prompting from the Depuemeister, that I would go check out the basketball game at Macalester. Now, I love basketball, in all forms at all levels, and I was quite excited to get to the game. So excited, in fact, that I arrived nearly 55 minutes before tip off. I was easily the first person in the gym that wasn't a player or coach, and even got an awkward 1-step, "what's up, man?" hand shake from Mr. Shuffle (Bozman). So, I plopped my not-obese, not-really-even-close-to-skinny ass on the disgusting plastic bleachers and watched the mac team miss dunks for about 25 minutes. I must have been super lonely looking because even Coach Parrington came up to me and we discussed how basketball is easily the best sport to warm-up for. We both made some valid points. I mean, you shoot hoops, dunk, listen to rock 'n roll/rap, BS with your buddies, and maybe stretch for about 5 minutes. And this is the same routine at all levels of basketball. Vince Carter was told not to wear an ipod during warm-ups. What other sport is like this? Crazy. Anyway, I love those awkward conversations with completely peripheral people in my life (like Coach Parrington), where the conversation is so devestatingly awkward that both people are desperately trying not to say boring archtypal nuggets, and both are trying to act interested. Really, I've come to the point where I pretty much just say, "Alright, I'm leaving now." I don't give some crappy explanation about having to be somewhere, I just say something quasi-honest and get the hell out of there. Anyway, so I watched Mac warmup, then they went to the locker room, and out comes St. John's, full of skinny white guys with names like "Ohme" and "Thaetcher"...you know, the kind of names that you'd only find in the mid-west. Seriously, has there ever been a hot young actor in Hollywood with the name Ohme? Nope. Finally, people started filtering in, and I didn't feel like a complete loser. Well, not for being alone watching St. John's warm-up anyway. I feel like a loser for other reasons. Cool AJ and his crew rolled up wearing orange t-shirts with "Irv and Vanessa: Dropping MAC sports since 2002" written on them. Which is a good message to get across, and one I agree with, but wouldn't this little mini-protest be more effective if actual current macalester students wore them. Or the girls basketball team? Vanessa came over to talk to the guys with a goofy grin on her face. She probably thought that they were including her in some sort of shared history for which they can all take part; oblivious to the fact that right in front of her are 12 guys wearing shirts which are explicitly mocking her. Irv is just an empty suit. But, there was no confrontation or anything of the sort, so my interest quickly waned. Just as the game was about to start, 2 d-bag macalester students decided to sit directly in front of me. I was heretofore lounging...arms draped on the row behind me, legs sprawled on the seat in front. And these two decide that, despite the litany of empty seats throughout the gym, the two right where my legs are are prime positions. So I make a half-hearted grunting noise, scowl and rearrange my limbs to accomodate these two, who probably don't even spread at the table. Fortunately, across the gym, Jake and James stroll in, so I wait for my oppurtunity (a shooting foul) and make my way over. As for the game, Mac kicked some ass, but I noticed a few things. Of course, I only barely played basketball in high school, so I don't really know anything about the game. And I'm fat.

• An excellent point by James: Mac is TOO disciplined. I know that this is rarely a critique of a college team, but they didn't take many chances. For the glut of athletic swingmen they have, few are true slashers.
• When Mac finally does shoot, they often don't have anyone under the glass for the boards. Sure Boz can nail the three, but he has to be careful because him and Conboy are the only true boarders they have.
• Too many attempted blocks. I saw about 15-18 attempted blocks, but no actual blocks. Blocking a 3 is very rare, and all it really does is get you out of position. Better to close out and contain. Mac's defense could easily be exploited by a more poised team. Of course they're like 4-8, so they're defense has already been exploited.

Anyway, after Mac opened up a 20 point lead to start the second half, we split, only to go home and watch TV. Oh yeah, and we played pool, but that's already been discussed here.

COME BACK, SPORTS OVER

Sorry that I make you feel bad Werth, nothing personal.

As for Matty's claims: First, Seinfeld was most definately not a meltdown. It wasn't funny, it wasn't preventable, and it was not familiar. Under no analytical treatment is the run of Seinfeld a meltdown. It seems that your biggest gripe is simply the word "meltdown", and then you proceed to quote Mirriam-Webster. Well, I'll simply say that if, through the course of linguistic evolution, words and phrases had only been used as they were rigidly and properly defined, the vareity of language and dialect as we see it today would be non-existant. The purpose of language is not simply to describe objective nouns and facts, but to colorfully illustrate and express the variety of emotions, feelings, and thoughts that are both an inspiration and an opression to the human mind. Without a clever turn of phrase, or anachronistic description, entire fields of opinion and expression would be lost. Dilute the language? On the contrary, I am adding to it. How often does the public get to enjoy the phrase meltdown? Our distinctively hyperbolic linguistic style galvanizes our status as image-breakers, outsiders. Diluting the language is achieved through mindless repetition of societal standards, like, you know, I mean.